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How Do You Handle Emotions in Real-Time?

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  • #62012
    peace57
    Participant

    I’m new to meditation and working on mastering emotions through mindfulness. I do believe that with time, my ability to manage my emotional responses will improve. But I struggle with how to manage myself in face-to-face situations right now, when in stressful work or social situations that I can’t just step out of to get my bearings.

    Things like meetings with a people who tend to have opposite opinions to mine. I know I don’t want to get into a heated discussion, so my response reverts to offering no opinion whatsoever.

    Or a relationship where I have a great resentment of another person that I have to see regularly, and I know I want to learn to manage my reactions, but again, I just become silent and cool because my mind goes into paralysis. I am terrible at chit chat and pretending I am comfortable with someone when I’m very much not. I am trying to do metta on this. But even though I feel more openness and warmth toward this person when meditating, it’s a different story so far when I walk into a room where the person is conversing.

    These are meetings and social situations that are necessary to things I want to do (like keep a roof over my head), so I can’t just avoid them, or get up and leave the room in the middle of a conversation to steady myself. I feel like a need a manual of “Okay, here’s what to say until you feel you can meet this person with compassion authentically. . .”

    How do I keep from making things worse until I can (hopefully) make them better?

    #62020
    Jessica Eusebe
    Participant

    Hello Peace57,

    You can meet this person with compassion authentically today. The essence of you, is compassion. You must always keep in mind that whatever this person has done to you in the past, is an illusion. There’s nothing in life, that we will ever be able to run away from. Therefore, it wouldn’t do to try to avoid or dodge this person. What I would simply do, and have been doing with people who I don’t particularly have a strong liking for at work is this: If there ever arises a situation or discussion where I don’t agree with him/her, I simply state my opinion but I always remain in alignment to the fact that everyone has their own particular belief systems and will thus behaving accordingly. When you put this into perspective, it makes sense to only do one thing: live in acceptance. You don’t have to go back and forth with someone who disagrees with your opinion. As a conscious living soul, you don’t need your ego to be stroked nor do you need your opinion to be validated. Fear of not voicing your opinion comes from the ego. You’re subconsciously afraid that someone will be opposition of what you have to say. But that is okay. Many of us are this way. What’s just as important is the recognition that “Those who know don’t speak. And those speak don’t speak.” Often times, many people speak to have their opinions validated. It is sometimes okay to refrain to giving your opinion. As long as you are in agreeance with electing to not give your opinion. If it bothers you as you mentioned, know that this is fear coming from your ego.

    To conclude, this is my advice: When you see him or her, just BE. If you begin to feel agitated, shift your attention on your breath or, shift your attention on what he/she is saying. And remember, sometimes it is best to say nothing at all.

    Love & Light,
    Jessica

    #62022
    @Jasmine-3
    Participant

    Thanks Jessica.

    Thanks Peace57 @peace57

    This is a very interesting question and something, which I am sure most of us struggle with. I will share my perspective as I deal with people left, right and centre. Everyone has a story and their own take on things and own reasons to be the way they are.

    When I hear something, which doesn’t agree with me, I pause and take a deep breathe in. Why did this thing not agree with me ? Is it because it touched me at an emotional level or it is just not practical ? If it is not practical, I start with loads of questions to the other person to figure their thinking out. By the end of the conversation, it is often clear if this was an opinion or a fact. If it is an opinion then everyone is entitled to one. If it is a fact, lets go with it 🙂 Either way, it is a win-win solution, yeah ?

    When I realise that I am having an emotional response, then I shut up as anything I say is not going to make sense. Once I calm down and can see another perspective without getting carried away, I come back in and give my 2 cents worth in a confident manner.

    Always remember, no matter how thin a slice you cut of a bread, there is always going to be 2 sides. Conflicts and resentment occur when we are not able to see the other side, thinking that only my side is correct. There is so much anger in the world today because of same – I am correct and you are wrong. So we have to take a back seat and figure out, Can the other person be right too and Can I be wrong too ? Then put forward your argument and I doubt you will have issues.

    If you have resentment towards someone, learn to let go of it. Creating hurt for yourselves doesn’t harm anyone else but just you. Forgive yourself and this person and try to create a happier relationship. You wont regret it. It may take time but it can be done the moment you realise that the only person suffering in this resentment (or negative roller coaster ride) is YOU.

    Our Karmas or thoughts do not bring ill or happiness to others. Our Karmas bring ill / happiness only to US. We can curse someone left, right and centre and it wont affect them until they choose to soak in our negativity. If they choose to soak in our negativity, they are now doing a Karma on their own. See what I mean ?

    I am a work in progress. Each day is getting better as I become more assertive in my communication skills. The more accepting I become of others, less resistance I face from others. Everyone wants to be heard. Hear them out BUT also have the courage to let them hear you too when it is necessary. You can not just say nothing in most situations as you cant be having an emotional response all the time.

    Introspection or reflection (as part or meditation or without) at the end of the day is a good tool for cultivating such skills in real time 🙂

    Best wishes and I look forward to hearing other people’s perspective on this thread.

    Jasmine

    #62025
    Raeeka
    Participant

    As I’m talking to them I try to exhale whatever negativity I am feeling towards them and inhale a blessing towards them. That helps me to be authentic without getting riled up. I let go of the negativity + I put myself in the mind frame of compassion + love towards them.

    #62028
    peace57
    Participant

    Hello Jessica and Jasmine–thank you so much for your input.

    To clarify a little, this work I’m referring to is a team of artists on a creative project. Therefore, 80% of the decisions we make are based on “opinion” rather than fact. The difficulty becomes agreeing on the opinions and collaborating.

    That doesn’t change the validity of what you are offering–it’s very helpful. I seem to have creative differences with a couple of team members who I do respect, but at points just can’t get on board with their ideas. And they seem to feel the same way about mine. It feels like I have caused a good deal of tension in recent months in pushing for my opinions–which have the backing of other team members, just not these two at times. And I don’t want to do that anymore, but I seem to default to simply not offering opinions. It feels disingenuous, but I would rather do that than offer something I feel strongly about.

    And my intense resentment is with a separate team member over personality differences and–I fully admit it–territorial issues on my part. We are required to collaborate very closely, and I feel threatened on several levels. My ego stamp is all over it. She has not really *done* anything to me except annoy me from time to time–everything else is mostly circumstantial. But I feel replaced and unnecessary–even that’s not really true, but it’s where my chatter goes. And as a result, it takes great effort to maintain civility with her, and I really need to get past it. That’s why I’m taking these steps.

    Yes, I have fear now of offering opinions. I have fear of losing my “status” as a respected long-timer. I have fear that I am old and replaceable. And I now have fear that my fears are going to end up destroying everything I’ve worked for with this group.

    Yep. Fear.

    Your comments about stopping to breathe are well-taken. I’ve had such knee-jerk reactions at times that I’m questioning my ability to remember to do that. I know this will all take time and lots of practice. I feel like such a baby.

    Thank you again.

    #62029
    Paul
    Participant

    Hi peace57,

    Two words that jumped out at me were ‘stress’ and ‘resentment’. There are some situations in life that really are ‘stressful’, (like the death of a loved one), but the vast majority are not. It’s not the situation or event that is stressful, but our reaction to it, and interaction with that creates the stress.

    How we choose to react in a situation is ours, and ours alone. If someone else cuts you up in traffic for example, how do you react? We’ve all been late, tired and just plain not concentrating, and we’ve all done it. Let it go, as shouting at the car disappearing into the distance is hurting only you.

    Resentment comes from past experiences with a Particular individual or situation. Accepting and letting go of the past, and being ‘present’ in the moment (isn’t that all we have?) will make dealing with people you don’t naturally feel at ease with more comfortable.

    One thing I have found to be very powerful is deep reflection. I used to reflect superficially about things, but deeper reflection has allowed me to understand my reactions and emotions more fully. I now keep a journal and write in it at the end of each day. By writing something down it forces you to stop and really think about and process the days events.

    People will always have their own view of something shaped through their own life experiences, and we can never fully understand the path they have travelled, but out of those differences comes progress, understanding and learning if we open ourselves up to it.

    Some really great (different!) perspectives on this. Another opportunity to learn 🙂

    #62030
    peace57
    Participant

    Raeeka, thank you. Paul, thank you as well.

    You bring up getting cut off in traffic, and that’s what’s funny to me about this. I am not a traffic stressor. In fact, a lot of routine irritations that drive other people nuts tend to roll off my back. I function really well in a crisis, and my other job is heavy deadline-driven stuff that would make many jump and run. But I obviously have some emotional hot buttons that are taking me by surprise.

    Writing sounds like a good idea. Perhaps it would help me investigate more deeply.

    Thanks again.

    #62031
    peace57
    Participant

    What I really want to know is how to practice a “gentle countenance” before I even enter the room. I have no poker face when I become emotional. 🙂

    #62032
    @Jasmine-3
    Participant

    Thanks Raeeka – you are so beautiful and vibrant looking 🙂 Warms my heart just looking at your picture. And no, I am not hitting on you he he he

    Thanks Paul – very insightful 🙂

    Hi Peace57 @peace57

    Thanks for telling us a little more about yourself. I will address few issues raised in your post with my creative thinking hat on 🙂

    – creative field: no different to scientific field or any other field where there are more opinions than facts. When we deal with people, we are dealing with emotional beings. Beings, who think their idea or creation is the most superior. It is the survival of the fittest kind of thinking that we all have. We shouldn’t feel bad about this trait but instead learn to use it more effectively. A bit of give and take and good negotiation can do us all well. There are many negotiation courses that you take part in, which will guide you in working optimally in any field, which involves humans. Or you can go to a park and watch some dogs come together for the first time and learn from them lol

    – Fear. We all have fear of some sort. You can either have fear or you can have love. When you love something, you don’t have fear. When you fear something, you cant love it as you keep thinking about its loss etc. How to turn this around ?

    You are respected, you are the best in your field, you are mature, you know what you doing and you have a lot of work experience – All good. Others can take your spot too if they wish as it is not difficult to find a better and bigger person out there. The ultimate question remains: So what ? You are YOU. They are they. We all bring something valuable to the table with our unique capabilities and perspectives. Some people will appreciate it and some wont. So what ? Live in fear ? NO.

    You tackle the fear head on. You learn the lessons that the fear is trying to teach you and move forward. Every experience can teach us something if we open our eyes to it. Every negative emotion can lead us to freedom if we see the underlying blessing and go beyond our ego stroking habits. If something is meant to be yours, no one can take it away and if it something aint yours, keep tryingggggggg to have it and it aint coming or staying with yah (opinion rather than a fact…but may become a fact in the future, lol)

    When you are fearful, you will lose in the rat race whether you like it or not as your creativity will not be at maximum. You can either use your energies for creating something awesome or you can use your energies to create fear. It is your choice.

    There is an awesome book by Susan Jeffers titled, feel the fear and do it anyway if it takes your fancy.

    – Now coming to my secret of how I deal with my emotions before entering a room with people. I have only mastered this technique few months ago and it is working wonders for me. No more arguments, no more pressing hot buttons, no more what ifs, no more you are wrong and I am right etc.

    Before entering any room with people, I send positive energy into the room (imagine white light engulfing the whole room) and offer a simple prayer – pls help me to stay light and bright. If disagreements occur, let me handle it without losing my temper or getting judgmental. It is going to be an awesome and productive meeting and I will learn something valuable for the future. And wah lah…..each meeting, each client……is suddenly vibrating at positive frequency rather than a disagreement frequency.

    Try it before you buy it.

    Enough of my preaching 😉

    Ciao my friend

    J

    #62033
    Big blue
    Participant

    Hi peace57,

    I can relate to your situation. Have you tried approaches to change the situation like getting to know the others (ask questions) or having a sense of humor (a common view of things that are odd or funny) with them? Would this help?

    Big blue

    #62035
    The Ruminant
    Participant

    Hi all,

    To me it seems as if this role that you have in the project is very much tied with your ego and identity, thus making it very difficult to give in, as it would be like losing yourself in the process.

    What helps me to relax, keep calm and let go is to remember that any one particular role that I’ve taken in life or any one particular relationship or situation is not my whole life. Any one relationship or role only become as important as I make it to be. If I am finding it difficult to deal with someone and I still have to, I kind of detach emotionally from them and simply do not make it a big deal. It’s just one person and there are other things and people that make my life rich. I make my own life rich. This doesn’t exclude focusing on positive energy or feeling compassion towards the other person. It just makes it easier when there is no “obsession” about the other person.

    Mentally, it becomes really tough when you think that you’ve put a lot of effort into something and then there is the fear of losing it. But that is an attitude thing as well. You can believe that if you don’t get to keep your place, then your whole life will end, or you can not take it as seriously and believe that you have a lot to offer to this world regardless of that one particular project.

    Getting involved with other things as well and spreading interests makes it easier to not get too attached to any one particular outcome. Also, keeping yourself grounded so that you don’t start to imagine things before they’ve even happened.

    Best of luck to you!

    • This reply was modified 9 years, 8 months ago by The Ruminant.
    #62050
    Matt
    Participant

    Peace57,

    In addition to the other heartfelt responses, consider that perhaps your problem isn’t with the emotions, its with becoming entangled in situations, people, ideas. They “stick” inside the brain, causing compression, fast sprouting thoughts that mash together, that seem to take up all the space, all the attention. New stimuli presses up against this pressure cooker, which shoots off angry steam. A few things came to heart as I read your words.

    To overcome emotional bursting, consider two separate processes. The first is cultivating the soft heart of compassion, or the tender, open space inside. We can plant, tend, and help grow this space by practicing metta meditation. As we sit and think happy thoughts, wish for happiness for us and others, the mind becomes smooth and peaceful. This helps open up the space, so the events you stress over, lament, and become angry from, happen in a much wider space. Such as, a tree growing in a wide open field doesn’t stress us, takes up space, but there is plenty around it. While a tree growing in our bedroom does take up space, demands our attention.

    Over time, the challenges you’re dancing alongside won’t pull you in. Consider “Peace57 works diligently to grow his spacious warmth, and protects that growth by not grabbing on to events that close the space. Except when he does.” There grows a continuity of intention that becomes a new baseline, a new guide. “Today, I shared warmth and friendly feelings with my extended human family, except for a few times when I got pulled in, became entangled. No biggie, just some pulling in, I choose to drop the entanglements, move back toward spaciousness.”

    What can grow here is a place of resillance to stress, not from strength of mind such as choosing to do a loving action when we feel angry, but instead, a wide space of mind that prevents agitation from compressing. Therefore there is less anger, less allure to respond that way, less pull. The friendliness that grows on the cushion remains strong, such as “perhaps last year, you stepping on my toe would have ensnared me, but here and now, as I see a friend that was just was busy with their journey, its not about me.” and done. Or, “the other artists drive to see their creations, their views utilized. We all want that, its not about me, no need to let it corrode my own joy.” Forgive, see clearly, move on. Hey look, sunlight! What a beautiful day to be living through! Toe stepped on “nah, not worth grabbing it, I have the space to hug you despite you stepping there”. Hey look, sunlight! What a beautiful day…

    The second process is learning not to jump and diagnose from the uncomfortable places. Not trying g to figure out the anger while angry, not feeling mad that anger is there, not trying to run and hide from it. Just anger arising, normal, usual, it passes, breathe. Just ego arising, self cherishing, normal, usual, beehive buzzing, it passes, breathe. In these moments, you can use a mantra of untangling, such as “Whatever the causes, on their side or mine, that contribute or create the painful feelings inside me, I choose to set down, walk away from, and forgive those causes. May we be free, happy, and peaceful.” This will connect with all the good work you do in meditation, helping to bring the cushion to the canvas. Helping bring your tender heart back to the present, having space to do something different, something new.

    Consider “Sharon Salzburg guided metta meditation” on YouTube, if interested. If accustomed to breath meditation already, consider “bhante gunaratana guided metta meditation”, instead. The second one bridges better into mindfulness, or attentive mental focus. Much like an artist pays close attention to the colors, images, and mediums used, a mindful person pays close attention to where their attention is really resting, noticing the ripples of thoughts in the mind.

    Said differently, and to sum it up, don’t try to stop anger from arising, learn to open the space, step aside from the triggers that ensnare your mind, and the cause dissolves, anger never arises. Anger is too fiery to wield easily, and except in a few cases, isn’t worth doing anything with at all. Breathe, see its impermanence, be done, move on.

    Namaste, dear brother, may your path be free of entanglements.

    With warmth,
    Matt

    #62067
    peace57
    Participant

    Wow, how wonderful to see so many responses. Thank you all so much.

    Paul: I read “Feel the Fear” many years ago, not too long after Jeffers first published it. I do remember it being a very helpful book at that time–possibly I need to find my old copy and dust it off.

    I like your prayer, that is very helpful. Those are exactly the kinds of things I’m seeking.

    Big Blue: I have definitely *not* put enough effort into new approaches yet. I do know most of these people pretty well, as I’ve worked with many of them for years. However, the one I have taken a dislike to, I have arduously avoided getting to know.

    There is so much to work on here. I have pigeon-holed this person as a certain “type” that I find annoying . There are some bits of valid basis for that judgement, but not nearly enough for the reaction I’m having. It is strange, but in times away from the group, I sometimes feel a softening toward her. But when I enter the meeting and hear her chatter, it all goes away and I just want to be as far away from her as possible. Humor is something I would ordinarily use–but I am so humorless at these moments that I can’t envision where I would pull it from.

    Ruminant: You have hit the bullseye. I recognize that this is deeply tied to my ego and identity. We’re talking 30 years of identity and friendships here. Releasing my attachment to that identity and these relationships feels like floating in space all alone. Logically, I know my life won’t end. But my emotional mind doesn’t see it that way, and it is something I have to put serious work into.

    Matt: Again, many more helpful thoughts. I will look for the Salzburg metta meditation. These are the kind of concrete actions that I find very useful.

    Thank you all again.

    #62151
    The Ruminant
    Participant

    “Floating in space alone” is exactly what it feels like when releasing yourself from entanglement. At least that’s what it felt like to me 🙂 You’ll have to give yourself time to find your own gravity so that you’re not going to keep orbiting around others, your emotions tied to the ebb and flow of particular relationships. First you just need to let go. Even momentarily so that you get the time to build yourself.

    #62167
    @Jasmine-3
    Participant

    You are welcome Peace57 @peace57

    I used the prayer this morning at work for an important business decision and guess what – perfect outcome 🙂

    Jasmine Aka Paul lol

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