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  • #62158
    LaLaTra
    Participant

    Greetings to all,

    I have been in an on-and-off relationship for almost five years now. Most recently, we have been broken up since February but are starting to talk again, bit by bit.

    I habitually leave because I feel alone because we do not share the way I would like. When I express my feelings, he criticizes my approach to communicating my concerns. Other times he listens, doesn’t say much, puts in a little effort for a short time and then things revert to normal. I feel like I’m the only one ever wanting to talk things out. I make a real, sincere effort to communicate but usually end up feeling neglected and hurt by his seeming apathy. In turn, I emotionally separate myself as a defense mechanism against this hurt. And so we drift apart, fail to communicate about it (usually I try talking to him in desperation to no avail) and we break up, and he seems surprised that I was unhappy with things despite my multiple attempts to express that to him. Afterwards, he makes many attempts to contact me and start again, and I always give in hoping things will be better even though we don’t talk anything out and the problem does not change.

    Sometimes I am quick to blame him for being difficult to communicate with, while other times I feel that we just communicate in different ways, and that communication can be really difficult in general (I tend to think the latter is a much better and more accurate point of view). We have a lot in common and in many ways get along great. There is a lot of love between us but for some reason we just can’t get the verbal communicate to work, especially when it is needed most. It is important to me to share and verbally connect, and I usually feel disappointed and let down by his lack of effort, even when he says he is trying his best. I don’t know if he really is trying and is just different in this manner, or if he doesn’t try all that hard because he thinks I will always stick around. He generally does not share too much- I think he actually shares more with me than he does with anyone else, and in other ways he is very expressive- he is extremely physically affectionate, makes a real effort to spend time with me, and is good to me in many ways. So sometimes I wonder if that’s just his personality, and I need to accept this part of him if I want to spend time with him.

    I am a very independent person, actually I think we both are, and I have no problem being on my own. I’ve been single for some time now and have really enjoyed my time self loving and spending quality time with myself. But for some reason, I cannot let this relationship go. I guess I always have an optimism that we will learn to be better together, that the love will carry us through.

    I know you cannot answer this question for me, but how do you know when it’s really time to call it quits? How many times do you try to make something work? If many things are wonderful in a relationship but something that’s important to you isn’t working, is it worth sticking it out for the good things if you really care about the person? Any insight would be helpful.

    Thank you for reading!

    • This topic was modified 9 years, 7 months ago by LaLaTra.
    #62161
    NinjaLotus
    Participant

    Hello fellow traveler:

    You know when it’s time to call it quits when:

    You realize you’re a completely different person inside the relationship then you are interacting with the world outside it, and you don’t like that inside version very much. (This can be confirmed with friends who’ve seen you with your partner and without; if they confirm you become someone they don’t recognize within your relationship, it’s probably time.)

    You don’t enjoy spending time together. Whether that’s yelling at a concert, reading in silence, traveling or staying home, your time together needs to be something to look forward to. If you don’t, and you spend your time together wondering what else there is, or why this moment isn’t working, it’s time to call it.

    You used to see the best possible version of yourself in their eyes; now you only see them seeing all the ways you fall short. Also, you used to see the best possible version of them in who they are, and now you don’t.

    Someone keeps leaving. I think partnership is people standing together and looking in the same (hopefully forward) direction, and then moving together towards it, one steadying the other when they stumble, enjoying the journey. Hitting the reset button on a relationship repeatedly is like going back to the start of that path over and over and over. You see the same landscape, you see your own footprints. You don’t necessarily see anything new.

    I hope you both find what makes you happy, whatever that is.

    #62197
    David4500
    Participant

    love is about accepting each other and loving yourself. you love spending time with yourself but somehow you feel lonely. because human are not meant to live alone. we need love. the image of your love is how much he can suit your character. communicating with him is good, but your objective is to let him know what are your feeling and what you need him to do/change. It is not to understand and listen to him. when he criticizes, you shut yourself to listen and blame him for criticizing. don’t try to change someone, always try to listen and understand. your question “when it’s time to call it quits”: when both stop listening.

    #62198
    LaLaTra
    Participant

    David4500,

    Thank you for your insight. Your response, that it’s time to call it quits when both people stop listening, resonated deeply with me and gave me a lot to think about. You are likely right that I should try to listen more to understand him.

    I would be delighted to hear about his feelings, but no approach I try seems to work. When I ask him about something gently, he accuses me of putting him on the spot and suggests I try sharing about myself first. When I try sharing about myself first with the hope that he will reciprocate, he accuses me of only caring about my own needs. And when I don’t try anything at all, communication does not take place either. I try telling him that I sincerely want to be here for him, that I want him to feel comfortable coming to me with things that are on his mind, but he tells me that he doesn’t need anybody for emotional support. And in turn, when I come to him for emotional support, he says that I should also deal with everything on my own and not come to him.

    Do you have any suggestions on how to open the door of communication? Or does that cross the line of trying to change someone? I feel lost sometimes.

    • This reply was modified 9 years, 7 months ago by LaLaTra.
    • This reply was modified 9 years, 7 months ago by LaLaTra.
    #62200
    LaLaTra
    Participant

    NinjaLotus,

    Thank you for sharing your ideas on this.
    Your description of partnership is beautiful, and you describe eloquently the process of hitting the reset button, of seeing your own footprints. Great food for thought.

    #62301
    David4500
    Participant

    communication required both two of you to talk. If he accuses, listen and understand why he did that, if you don’t understand ask again. when one person is angry other person has to be claim and listen. i am sure alot answer you still don’t understand. example, why he doesn’t need anybody emotional support? does that means he don’t have any needs? if he don’t have any needs, why does he say you only care about your needs when he don’t have any needs?

    we guys don’t share emotional stuff with girls because we thought sharing makes us weak. the truth we need to share in order to feel. we want to share with people who understand us. try to agree with his answer sometime. repeat what he said in your own words, and see if the messages are pass across correctly.

    i am not an expert in communicating too. sometimes i said thing which are not true, intentionally and unintentionally. stay claim, don’t be angry, don’t blame, try to understand. if he shut himself, ask another time.

    hope my answer helps.

    on side notes, love yourself more. if he doesn’t talk, you can have time to do things you like for yourself. go meet new guys/friends. stay positive =)

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