fbpx
Menu

How to know when to breakup?

HomeForumsRelationshipsHow to know when to breakup?

New Reply
Viewing 4 posts - 1 through 4 (of 4 total)
  • Author
    Posts
  • #76062
    Emma Bobby
    Participant

    I have been with my boyfriend for 3.5 years. The first year was great, my confidence grew and I felt I could do anything with him by my side. Now we are in a long distance relationship as of the last 8 months and things have been extremely difficult and hard. He is in school finishing the pre reqs for professional school. He has incredible test anxiety where he shuts down and texts me like 40 messages of how he hates school and mean things like I am just lucky to have the spot that I do have in professional school. He also lost his mom to brain cancer right when we started to date and especially in the last year has been struggling with depression. When we are together things are pretty good except then I am mean I think because I have a hard time forgiving him for the stuff he has said. I also am pretty critical of him and find that I often tell him what to do instead of just being supportive. I always tell him what to do because I want him to succeed so badly but I know its not what he needs. I do know that he cares for me and loves me and in all other areas besides dealing with anger/conflict management between us and the stress of school things are pretty good. We have our whole life planned and in sync but we just cant seem to get past him freaking out over tests and being mean and critical. Now he is thinking about moving here but I am having a little bit of a bad feeling that maybe that is not quite right.This relationship feels heavy to me because I often take the role of responsibility in decision making and financial things. I know part of it is my own fault because I am controlling and part is his fault for not taking initiative. I feel like he needs to grow up a little and take more responsibility instead of blaming school and me for his problems and situation when he is feeling stressed. Also I have no interest in other guys I do want to be with him but I want to be with a better version of him that is able to handle stress and fight fairly. THis is my first real love and I have no previous relationship to base this off of. I really want things to work out but I just dont know when to draw the line

    #76073
    Kyniska
    Participant

    It’s hard to comment on this, because every relationship is different, but if you have a bad feeling, my advice is to trust it. You can devote more time to changing your behavior, try to catch yourself before you tell him what to do and offer support instead. He’s dealing with a lot and it’s probably very hard for him. But if he’s not mature enough for you to feel comfortable with the relationship, then maybe now is just not the right time. That was a hard lesson learned for me, to realize that just because you love someone doesn’t mean the relationship will work out. Wanting him to be a different person is going to be very frustrating for you, because you can only help so much and people don’t change overnight. Not that he shouldn’t work on his flaws, because blaming other people and things for his problems is not going to help him. My ex had similar complaints about me, that I wasn’t mature enough and too dependent on him. Even though I’m still working through that loss, I learned a lot of things that I would have continued to be oblivious about if he hadn’t ended it. In fact, now that it’s over, I wish I had had the courage to end it first.

    This is just my opinion based on my experience. He is hurting and maybe staying with him is a better choice for you both, a chance to support him while he improves and giving him support while he grows. But you should do whatever feels right to you. Good luck to you, you will figure it out.

    #76095
    Abhai Preet
    Participant

    Please try to look ahead. These problems may very well be harbingers of things you will be dealing with in the future. My very strongest and most potent lesson in relationships is this: Even if you think you know that you cannot change a person, we often go into a relationship secretly thinking we can, or that if we just love enough, the problems will dissolve. Ultimately, it’s just not true. We cannot change or fix anyone except ourselves. It sounds like just a set of words, but please know that it’s an absolute truth. If your personalities are not resonating and you don’t really feel very supported, or you are already doubting your feelings, trust that the issues will blossom in the future and it won’t be pleasant. Are you really willing to stick with this person as he goes through his growth process? And do you think he will do the same? It’s hard to see the future, but when there are this many signs only three years down the road, it seems like a great time to step back and let some time pass before you make any big commitments. Just a thought – my heart goes out to you with hopes for a truly compatible relationship in your future.

    #76105
    Michelle
    Participant

    This is tricky and I’ve been through it before myself (although i was the negative one).
    One of the things that worked for me and my BF (we’re still together) was to each write a list of:
    What we wanted out of the relationship (like, go on date nights, take trips, live overseas etc)
    What I wanted to do more of as an individual (so things you may have been ignoring after a while… an old hobby, certain friends etc – we both wrote things we wanted to do individually and spend more time on).
    Then, things we wish the other person would do (nothing totally changing – but noting some of the areas you would like to see a little change. For me I wanted my partner to be a bit more proactive in our social lives, as I was always the one planning trips and parties etc. and it was getting boring always been told yes to everything. There were some others but that’s one example) He wanted me to stop bringing up stuff from the past, basically learn to let go of old issues and in a sense, have the same laid-backneed as I did when we first met)
    We then both signed the lists (corny I know, but it worked for us). Then we put the lists away (after a good read of each others and ours), and re-assess in 3 months time.
    It gave us both things to work on and an actual timeline to measure it by. Because we wrote it down to begin with, it was clear and we both got our say, not an off-hand comment followed by interruptions and in inevitably miscommunication.
    It might not be for you, but if nothing else, you’ll get an insight into what he’s thinking and if you’re priorities/goals line up.
    Good luck!

Viewing 4 posts - 1 through 4 (of 4 total)

You must be logged in to reply to this topic. Please log in OR register.