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How to recover myself in my hard times?

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  • #114451
    Anya
    Participant

    In my past, for 4 years I had been in a relationship with a guy. He left me because of my overly sensitive behavior. And made an excuse that he feels no more happiness with me, he is happy with someone else (his EX) that time i was really broken because he made me feel that for four years he just used me and played with my feelings. Time passed on as it was hard for me to accept the fact but somehow after few months i got myself recovered by involving myself in studies & fun activities.
    I always tried to make myself happy and cared for only myself. I was really feeling enjoyment & freedom. In that time I had a strong belief on true love and i was thinking that this time i will not make the same mistake as i did in my past.
    Again, someone entered in to my life. I really resist him not to love me. But he was not leaving my side. He always cared for me and did everything for me. I thought that I shouldn’t be so rude with someone who has feelings for me as i also experienced the pain of rejection , so i started acting with kindness with that person and never let him cried for me. Time passed and i also fell in love with him. First we both were so much happy. I was doing all time fun with him. We both were always together.
    As days went on, i started feeling that he started giving values to everyone else excluding me. He stopped caring so much and starts little fights. These fights changed in to big fights. I always tried not to use bad words, not to hurt him, not to disrespect him but he was doing all. Disrespecting, hurting and now he started using abusive language. I could not believe that he was the one who said that love is a lifetime feeling it could not be ended and now if i cry in front of him , he shut downs all communications.he left the institute where we both were studying together. He now cares that what people will say or thinks.
    for last 4 5 months i couldn’t studied well. I tried harder to focus on my studies but every time something bad happens that made me feel down.
    Crying every time. It made me so weak that i could not live without him. I’ve compromised so much in my relationship and at the end result is zero.
    If i ask him not to hurt me or leave me. He says that “you are the one who wants to leave because you don’t have feelings for me, and if you want to leave it’s your choice i don’t care”. I don’t want to leave him because my feelings are true. He gives all blame to me on whatever bad happened in our relationship, he feels that only i am the responsible one.
    He is so much in peace by saying all this. And i am the only one suffering. Why is it that he gives me blame of everything bad that happens to him ? Why i can’t do the same to him?
    Why i am still kind to him? Why i don’t feel strength to talk for my own life and rights? Why i feel weakness within me?
    one of my friend told me not to make yourself down, you’ll lose importance in his life.
    and i already lost my importance and value in his life, by crying every time.
    I cry because for me i don’t believe that true love could be that hard. if someone loves you truly then whatever the situation is good or bad, they never leave you and never ever disrespects you. Respect is love otherwise there is no love.
    Now it’s really hurtful for me to again recover from a broken relationship as i don’t see any solution.

    • This topic was modified 7 years, 6 months ago by Anya.
    #114461
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but love is hard. True or otherwise. It’s not always going to be easy.

    It shouldn’t be this hard, though. It sounds like this guy is bad for you, doesn’t really care for you, and doesn’t respect you. You should leave him.

    It’s going to be hard to recover, I agree, but the solution is simple: find a guy who is good to you, cares for you and respects you. Until then, be good to yourself, care for yourself and respect yourself. You can start by dumping your current man.

    #114465
    Anya
    Participant

    Thanks Mr. monklet80 for your reply 🙂

    Yes you are right that love is not always going to be easy. For me, to understand love, you have to think with love. A simple rule i follow in my life. But yeah i am also a human being i also get frustrated, angry, sad etc. if you are kind to someone and they take your kindness as weakness then what to do ? especially in case of loved ones. I don’t want to hurt him with my words and actions. But this all happens intentionally or unintentionally.

    Sometimes i thought that maybe i should work with more patience and courage. But most of the time, i feel lost,alone and feel no courage at all. When he gets angry, he makes me feel like draining my energy.

    Fight at night, and the other day he becomes normal. Talking normally and doesn’t feel any guilty for whatever bad he does to me.

    I asked him many times to just leave me forever, but he says that he don’t wants to leave. He just wants to live life according to him.
    Once, his friend offered me to drop me to the bus stop. I accepted because he was also my class friend, we both are not so frank with each other but he respects me alot. He just wanted to help me, he never said a word to me. Only picked me from one stop and dropped on another.

    When i told my boyfriend about this, he got jealous and fought with me by saying that you left me for some moments. Oh God, that day i was feeling dying inside. i could not tell what i was going through when he was talking shit to me.

    Then i said sorry to him and promised him that i will never ever do it again without his permission.
    But now 2 days before, he made me mad by talking to my friend at night while that time i was crying madly. I got angry that why is he doing all this to me. He didn’t even cared that i was crying.

    #114475
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear anyakhan:

    If you’d like to examine things further, will you tell me (and I will reply), what you meant by your first sentence in your original post: “In my past, for 4 years I had been in a relationship with a guy. He left me because of my overly sensitive behavior”-

    What do you believe constitutes your “overly sensitive behavior”-

    what does Overly Sensitive means in your case: in the four year relationship and in the current one?

    anita

    #114511
    Anya
    Participant

    Dear anita.Overly sensitive means that i cry all the time histerically in front of him
    and he was getting mad on it.

    Now the same case with my current partner.

    #114561
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear anyakhan:

    You did mention crying a few times- so you often cry in front of your boyfriend hysterically, that is loudly and for a long, long time, just crying and crying?

    I will be back to your thread tomorrow with a fresher brain than I have now. If you read this before I am back, can you answer: what is going on in your head when you cry hysterically: are there any thoughts? What are the raw emotions?

    anita

    #114630
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear anyakhan:

    Crying hysterically often in two separate romantic relationships, repeatedly over long period of times, followed by seemingly minor events or no events at all is an expression of deep hurt that needs to be attended to in psychotherapy with a competent, empathetic therapist. You need insight into that deep hurt: what is hurting you so badly?

    Once you gain insight into the origin of the hurt and you feel empathy for yourself for having been hurt like you have, then the emotion of hurt would have delivered his message and would stop persisting to express itself through hysterical crying.

    anita

    #114632
    Anya
    Participant

    When i get close enough to someone whom i love, i get effected by their negative emotions, which makes me feel cry

    #114635
    Anya
    Participant

    If they get angry on me or get irritates from me, all of these emotions makes me feel so bad and i start crying

    When i cry or crying hysterically, i had thoughts in my mind like “Why is he hurting me? How anybody who loves other person could give them so much pain? Why only i had to bear all blame? Why only i have to accept it that i am responsible for every mistake?”

    During these situations, If i express my true feelings to him, he gets more irritate, which hurts me a lot.

    I don’t know what to do ? Is there any fault in me? Am i the only one who understands that nobody is perfect,we have to compromise with other person. Why not anybody else understands this?

    Again crying . i don’t know how to recover myself, i can’t even share my feelings and thoughts with anyone because nobody understands me. Everyone says the same thing to leave that person.

    • This reply was modified 7 years, 6 months ago by Anya.
    #114636
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear anyakhan:

    What do you mean by “negative emotions” in your last post?

    anita

    #114642
    Anya
    Participant

    Negative emotions = Hate,sad,anger,frustrated and depressed

    #114646
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear anyakhan:

    Nobody can feel only positive feelings toward another person. Therefore a man in a relationship with you will sometimes feel some anger, frustration and sadness toward you. This is unpleasant but reality.

    Abuse is never excusable though, no matter the person’s feelings. If a man feels anger toward you and proceeds to yell at you, the fact that he feels anger is okay (he can’t help feeling what he is feelings, just like any other person, including you. We feel what we feel, it is automatic): what is not okay is screaming when angry or using hurtful words.

    The two men in your life with whom you cried a whole lot, were they abusive?

    Or did you notice a negative feeling and got overwhelmed by it, as if it was a terrible thing by itself? I mean, do you… fall apart when a person expresses a negative feeling, even a mild one (but is not abusive)?

    anita

    #114655
    Anya
    Participant

    the first man was not abusive but he was screaming while get anger and blames me for everything, he really stopped caring for me. He always used to said that you are weak person. He always tried to discourage me whether in studies or job. Whatever i tried to do something, he always made me felt that i can’t do anything. He left me by saying that “he didn’t feel happy with me anymore and he only feels happy when he thinks of his Ex girlfriend”.
    It really hurt me, as he was in a relationship with me for 2 years and suddenly his feelings were changed (surprisingly) It was tough for me to believe, but he broke up with me. after few days ago, I called him and asked him to be friends and he said Okay. i burst into tears and told him that i want him to come back. He got anger and said “Just get lost, you’ve ruined my life, i am taking drugs because of you. You are responsible for all this”. I was scared, i turned off my phone. At that moment, i heard a voice inside my head that “He is lying,you can’t be a reason for all this, you can’t ruin someone’s life like that, you were not there when he was taking drug you didn’t forced him either”. I stopped crying and after that i deleted his pics, his contact number and everything which could ever remind me of him. I threw all the things and burnt those papers on which i wrote my true feelings for him. I promised myself not to ever accept that person in my life again. He also never came back.

    But now my current partner has just started using abusive language. that’s really hurtful. sometimes i feel like if i leave him he will never ever come back and he will never realize that his behavior was hurtful for me every time he get anger or use abusive language.
    He never accepts his mistakes. (i feel that he also stopped caring, i really feel hurtful. God! I don’t know what to say what to do) should i leave him or not ? Can’t bear to lose my love again.

    #114665
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear anyakhan:

    Both men were abusive to you from your description and they are responsible for abusing you. Shame you ended up with two abusive men in a row. The first one screaming at you (that is abusive), blaming you repeatedly for his actions (abusive) and telling you that he feels happy thinking about his ex girlfriend (abusive). The current boyfriend is abusive when he uses abusive language against you.

    You have to exit an abusive relationship, the current one, for your own well being. If there is pain from long before, from your childhood, it needs to be uncovered but only after you stop allowing more pain into your life, pain from your current abusive relationships.

    Is there anyone that can help you in exiting this relationship?
    anita

    #114690
    Asian
    Participant

    Dear anyakhan..
    U deserve someone better,,
    if he treats you like a shit,,, trust me he has no love for you
    forgive him..and try to not making contact with him..
    try to rearange your life,..
    sorround yourself with friends , family and positive people..
    you will find someone better eventually..
    it must be hard.. i have been there before and it is really hard but trust me ..
    you deserve someone that treat u with respect..
    leaves him and arrange ur life..
    say sorry for hurting his feeling long ago when u both are in relationship and make up with ur life..
    it is hard at start but try to find someone and talk with someone u trust to cope with the struggle of letting go..
    trust me it is better to let go rather than holding on and u are bleeding..he doesnt want you.. you wait for a bus in a in an airport..let him go.. and be strong..

    Love,
    asian

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