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I am shy and more self-conscious around my CLOSE friends. Why is this, and how d

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  • #74334
    Jeanette Mardin
    Participant

    I’ve noticed this a lot lately. I’m usually very outgoing & funny at work and school & w/ strangers that I meet. I’m easy to talk to, pretty popular & well-liked overall. But sometimes I’m around close friends & i can be very quiet & not know what to say. It’s not like I don’t want to talk, I do. I just don’t know what to talk about. Does that ever happen to you guys? Like sometimes I listen to what things are brought up in conversation. They are the most random irrelevant things, but those things don t ever pop into my head.

    Why is that?! How do I get past that? I feel like it’s ruining relationships with my close friends because I come off as boring.

    Ex: I recently saw my best friend for the first time in a while, after we had caught up on each others lives, I just had nothing else to say to steer conversation besides about what we were doing. I feel like some other people would randomly start talking about bagels, or why some people put hot sauce on everything they eat. I would never think of something like that. In fact I don’t really think of anything to say. And then i start thinking about how I have nothing to say, and then REALLY can’t think of anything to say. It almost sounds like social anxiety but why am I totally my self around others?

    I think maybe it’s because these sort of interactions & conversations between friends (compared to at work or at school) are left to be very informal and have no sort of guide to conversation. What I mean by that is at school or work, you talk about your weekend, homework, a professor you both have, annoying customers etc etc. But then when it comes to my friends who I spend my weekends with, or who I live with, I just have nothing to say. That is to say however, if a school friend became a close friend, I’m sure the same problem would arise. I almost feel like it’s because I’m afraid of judgement, but I feel like that just doesn’t make sense. It’s irrational for me to fear the judgement of people who love me.

    Anyone feel this way sometimes? Why does this happen to me? How do I go about fixing this?

    #74354
    Rock Banana
    Participant

    “I almost feel like it’s because I’m afraid of judgement, but I feel like that just doesn’t make sense. It’s irrational for me to fear the judgement of people who love me.”

    – On a very deep level it makes no sense whatsoever, because their judgements about you are totally irrelevant to who you are. If they think you’re great that doesn’t make you inherently great and if they think you’re stupid that doesn’t make you inherently stupid. But on a more superficial it makes a lot of sense because you have something to lose with these people, i.e. a close friendship. When you speak to a stranger you have nothing to lose and everything (potentially) to gain. When you are speaking to a close friend you might lose their friendship. They might start disliking you.

    The way out of this is to stop caring whether or not they like you and to prefer to have the friendship rather than feel you need to have it. This is a shift in perspective and your ‘way of being’ in life. Easier said than done of course but it gives you an idea of what to work on.

    Once you come to realize that you can be happy with or without these close friendships, then you will know you have nothing to lose. How comfortable are you being alone? Can you be alone for long periods without believing lonely thinking? If not work on this – start spending more time alone, maybe in nature, maybe going to concerts etc. Why? Because when you are 100% comfortable being alone, you won’t ‘need’ close friendships any more, you will simply desire them. So you will be able to handle the thought of losing your friendship. In addition when you realize that it doesn’t matter what anybody thinks of you, because their thoughts don’t define who you are, then you will stop fearing them disliking you and so this neurosis will also dissipate.

    Here’s a quote from Keith Johnstone’s book “Impro”: “The brain constructs the universe for us, so how is it possible to be ‘stuck’ for an idea? The student hesitates not because he doesn’t have an idea, but to conceal the inappropriate ones that come uninvited.” In other words you are probably rejecting possible conversation ideas and saying “No that’s too boring” or “No they might think this of me if I say that” and that means you have no ideas at all. Just say whatever pops into your head. It doesn’t have to be interesting. Why would you need people to find you interesting? Have you signed a contract saying you will definitely be interesting all the time? Do you think this would even be ‘preferable’? What about things you find ‘boring’, the other person finding ‘interesting’, and vice versa? If it’s so subjective why are you worried about finding the “right” idea for a conversation? Have you also considered that boring conversations can turn into interesting ones, the idea that you start off with small talk and then turn it into something deeper? A lot of conversations begin with “How are you” but quickly become more than that. Would they become more than that without the opening “How are you”? But is the “How are you” inherently interesting on its own?

    Even better, next time you have no idea, say nothing and be 100% ok with it. Sit there entirely comfortable with your not saying anything. I notice you take 100% responsibility for the conversation, why? A conversation happens between two or more people, so why are you trying to be the one who makes it interesting? Why shouldn’t the other person have this role? It would be a bit weird of you to assume that the other person must ALWAYS be the interesting one, so why are you burdening yourself with this unrealistic expectation?

    Be comfortable with silence. Sometimes sitting with another person and saying nothing can be deeper than anything else. Your presence alone is powerful, you don’t need to fill up every dull second with another bit of speech. The people who are really comfortable in their own skin can have much silence.

    If you want better conversation ideas, become very interested in what the other person is saying. Ask them questions about what they’ve said. One of the most powerful questions is “What kind of X?”. So if they say, “I’ve got a new dog!” you say, “What kind of dog?” They say, it’s a spaniel. “What kind of spaniel?” They might tell you its colour and size and age. You can use the “What kind of X?” question a lot. As long as it isn’t the only thing you say then it sounds normal and is great for eliciting more information. Become GENUINELY curious with what the other person is saying and time will fly. People love talking about their own lives. Once you get them started and keep asking questions they will never stop!

    All best. Good luck. You have loads of perspective and ability to be introspective about your experiences so change will be very possible for you indeed. But maybe the real power comes in knowing you don’t have to change anything, just become more comfortable with what happens.

    #74989
    coc0kins
    Participant

    Wow! I so very much relate to your post Jeanette. I am constantly anxiety ridden over my close relationships rather than more “surface level” ones. I too, assume the responsibility that I must flow the conversation and be “interesting” rather than the other person. I love that rock banana brought up the point that our presence is enough. We don’t need other people in our lives, but we crave them, and that’s exactlty what our friends are doing too. Not everything that is said will be interesting, nor should it be an expectation, and it shouldn’t fall on one person either. If a conversation is not flowing, it cannot only be your fault.

    I realize easier said than done, and I often think I need some social anxiety therapy…but I just wanted to thank you for opening up your concern to the public and for the very well-thought response.

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