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I can't help but complain/vent out frustration. I think it's too late…

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Viewing 6 posts - 1 through 6 (of 6 total)
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  • #77603
    Treble Dude
    Participant

    Hi there

    I just got out of university last year and now I’ve been working for a year after graduation.

    I feel really anxious, guilty, and worried about my future. My goal in life is to go abroad 4-5 years from now since I don’t think that the amount of money and fulfillment that I’d get in my country would make my dreams come true. My country (not to generalize or anything) is mostly filled with people who are one-track minded, and I somehow feel that I’m different all the time because of my choices in music, decisions I make, the shows I watch, and a lot more. I am very self-spoken unlike most of my peers, which is what I think the downfall of my personality.

    I’ve been stuck in this company for a year just sitting and praying for something to do. After 11 months of taking initiatives to train people with a computer language I know nothing about and taking my first certification as a professional, the time finally came for me to be part of an actual project. My immediate boss already has an impression of me before all of this even started and I feel that it’s a negative one due to the fact that I’m part of the rowdy and yet-to-be-baptised-in-fire fresh graduate pool.

    I couldn’t shake the feeling that I’m the one person he singles out for tasks at the moment. I get to the office in time, which is around 7 am now since there are only limited accounts to use to complete the tasks for the day. I’ve been in this project for 2 months already and I’ve made little mistakes which I was fully aware of…but I think this one particular mistake about me talking to my upper manager about my boss in the project regarding his attitude towards me for all the mistakes that we as a team incurred which I thought he was being personal about. I felt like I was the one he reprimanded the most. Later that day, I had a one-on-one meeting with my other boss in the project (there are two, I forgot to mention) and she told me to accept, be more mature and live up to my mistakes in the office even if they weren’t intentional at all.

    I have to admit that I am a very sensitive person…and I find it quite difficult to see success in the long run if this feeling of being fickle-minded and immaturity is stuck with me. I don’t even know how to control my own mouth and I couldn’t help but vent out some of my frustrations with friends in the office. Regret after regret, everything seems to pile up until suddenly I felt the urge to seek help here since I feel like I’m stuck in a limbo of drama and emotions.

    Care to help this yuppie in need?

    TIA

    #77615
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear TIA:
    I don’t understand what you mean by “self spoken” in the sentence above: “I am very self-spoken unlike most of my peers.”

    It is a good idea to vent here instead of venting in the office, so … vent, if you’d like. I’ll read.
    anita

    #77633
    Treble Dude
    Participant

    @anita

    Hi there. Thanks for the reply.

    What I mean by that is I’m not the type of person who would just keep quiet if I find that there’s something wrong with my career such as issues with productivity (no tasks given to me, etc.)

    #77637
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear TIA:
    Got your explanation. I would like to give you some advice although I don’t think I will be very helpful. But maybe. So, there are professional relationships and there are personal relationships. In both you should respect the other/s and be respected, not abuse or be abused. Other than that, I think, the rules are different. Maybe you can – when you are calm and clear headed- write down those rules for professional relationships, a code of behavio, if you will, so that you are prepared with a PLAN for different situations that you can anticipate. If this happens, then I do this… kind of a thing.
    anita

    #77643
    Treble Dude
    Participant

    Hi again @anita,

    I guess the only thing I could do is live with how toxic this environment is. It’s hard to feel anxious everyday when I reach the office. I’ve yet to tell my shrink about it and I just hate referring to her when I couldn’t handle it anymore.

    Now I learned that my boss is a force not to be reckoned with and that I have to keep my mouth shut. Hard fact. Or may be overthinking things…nevertheless I feel very emotionally troubled about it.

    Thanks for the advice. I hope I can get more inputs from this thread.

    Much appreciated!

    #77710
    Matt
    Participant

    Troubledbloke,

    Congratulations on beginning to examine the effects your actions have on your environment and the people around you. The vision that came to mind as I read your story was that you don’t handle your fears and stresses very well. Being very sensitive is difficult in corporate environments, as there is generally a lot of stress floating around. Lots of tension, deadlines, expectations, and direct consequences. For a sensitive bloke dancing through such a place, it makes sense that you grab onto events, fear them, and build up some internal pressure.

    Now, being a self-spoken person is perhaps one way of saying “I blurt my pressure onto those around me.” This is one way of dealing with stress, such as trying to rally others to your side, so you can become more comfortable with the events, feeling as though they are unjust, don’t fit you, don’t belong, someone else’s issue that they unfairly put in your lap.

    Pema Chodron once described this as a story of a being that walks across a hot desert. The daily workflow vibrates with various stresses that trouble us. Your current method of dealing with that heat is by trying to pave the desert in leather, such as changing the landscape to hurt you less. Complaining here and there, fighting for your vision of how it “should be”, placing blame on others for what they do, and so forth. This sometimes works, but requires a lot of leather. So much effort! So many words you must speak to get rid of the internal stress!

    Instead, what you could do is use enough leather to make a pair of shoes. This would be better stress coping techniques that allow you to get less worked up over the events you experience. What you may find the most useful is becoming less afraid of your fear. Less jumpy when you become scared. Instead of running away, trying to convince the people around you of your side, so you can feel like your fear is unneeded, try to become comfortable with the uncertain future. Rest with the fear, accept the fear, and grow your tender courage. Practically, this might look like:

    You make a mistake, and your boss calls you out on it. The ego kicks up, starts fearing the long term effects, starts defending you, arguing with the boss. Instead of running around, blurting, consider “thank you, perhaps you are right, and I will work to grow more skillful.” Do some mindful breathing, let go of the aggression, let it slide on past. Once the fear settles, the packaging of the criticism unwraps and you are left with knowledge of where you can improve. Whether the boss called out your mistake in a bloke-compatible language or not, he’s pointing at something he wants fixed, didn’t fit with the team goals, etc. You’re still green, so instead of trying to defend your current shape, accept the imperfect forge fire, and become sharper. Learn from your mistake.

    With the second boss for instance, consider: perhaps she is right. Your co workers and other supervisors have enough on their plate working, supervising, feeding their families, seeking their happiness, and so forth. They can’t be expected to help you with your dislike of criticism, and as your boss mentioned, deal with it. Get a therapist, a cat, do some yoga, go running… find ways of emptying the pressure without the verbal blurting. Consider searching “right speech” on google to learn more about what noble communication look like. Then, practice.

    We all get stressed, dear friend, and we all have to find skillful ways of working with that stress. It is much better to shake off the mud, than try to shake other people until our mud falls off. Does that make sense?

    With warmth,
    Matt

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