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I can\'t hold down a job, I\'m thinking about throwing in the towel about work.

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Viewing 15 posts - 31 through 45 (of 108 total)
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  • #123521
    John
    Participant

    Hi Anita!

    Are you kidding me? I have so much to be asking you about my life and C-PTSD. And thank you for writing back, you have no idea you help!

    Wow, to longer dilute myself with untruths, fakeness, pretending, etc…I’m interested to see where all the parts of my life I live like that. How would go about doing so?

    It’s so hard Anita, but I can’t look at my mother the same, (since you and I started this convo). I don’t want to be mean to her and now I’m madder then ever at her…and my dad. I don’t know this anger towards them constructive or not. I am truly angry, confused, and depressed this Christmas and that sucks. But then again, the past 9 years living in mothers guest house, I haven’t been super excited about Christmas. I feel like I’m stuck cooking with mother (which is stressful for like two weeks), and that I don’t have any power around that. I just get upset every year because I quit so many jobs and don’t have the money to travel somewhere cool for christmas. It’s like I’m not living my own life, and that upsets me for several reasons. I know deep down that I’m a badass, but I keep sabotaging myself with work I hate or quit soon after. I’m hard on myself, because I feel I could be doing better, but I’m at a stage where I just don’t believe in myself. It sucks.

    Maybe me living with mother is a way to heal from all of this…Sounds cruel.

    And my ex-wife just leaving and not telling me why is bizarre. Did I attract that?

    Anyway, I hope you have a wonderful Christmas tomorrow (If you’re into Christmas)..:)

    #123526
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear surfingwig:

    I don’t like large gatherings of people and food- so no, not celebrating. I like one-to-one connections, or small get togethers of lets say four people. More- and I get dizzy.

    I read your last posts, how you feel differently about your mother, and your father. I am a bit concerned. Changing how you see your parents is a tough thing to do. Yet, there is so much promise in doing just that.

    If you don’t view your mother like she really is, you can’t see yourself as who you are. Did I mention to you the separation-individuation process, one that is supposed to happen in childhood? As a child who you are and who your main caretaker (usually your mother) are fused in one identity. When that process I mentioned is not successfully completed, the now adult child views her distortedly as well as himself, two distorted views, still fused.

    To separate, individuate, to be authentically you, you have to see her like she is. Same with your father. Am I making sense tonight, this Christmas Eve? I am so very tired. Please let me know.

    anita

    #123527
    BJ
    Participant

    Surfingwig,

    Oh man I hate that micromanaging shit too! I had a boss that would literally crap on everything I do if I didn’t do it the EXACT way they wanted, even if I could arrive at the same conclusion doing it slightly different. Meanwhile, my position was supposed to be a “leadership” position that required me to use my own creativity – and this boss had the audacity to bring up my lack of confidence in the performance evaluation. No shit! After criticizing everything I do for 2 years straight, how can I be confident???

    It sounds like you have some amazing talents. You made a 200k deal selling real estate? Wow that is an incredible achievement! Plenty people would crap their pants at the idea of attempting to persuade a client into a big money deal. Your clients liked you – sounds like great people skills.

    I can relate to your feelings of anger and frustration. Something I think to myself “you aint shit! You should be so much further along in life than you are, how can you even look yourself in the mirror”. It’s very tough to deal with those voices sometimes.
    Holidays are tough for me. I’ve dealt with social anxiety on and off throughout my life, so having to sit around big dinners and hold chit chat conversation with people is quite the task lol. I’d much rather be relaxing somewhere by myself. And Monday I get to go meet my girlfriend’s family for the first time, and when they ask me what I do for a living, I’ve got to say some bullshit to get around my unemployed condition.

    By the way, sounds like you know how to cook – another skill you have. Good people skills, leadership experience, culinary skills. I’m just putting it all together. Ever tried restaurant management? A nice low stress career! (not really lol).

    Happy Holidays to you. 2017 is our year to get over this crap man.

    #123529
    John
    Participant

    Hi Anita,
    I totally feel the same about crowds/large parties. As I’ve gotten older, I find myself feeling very uncomfortable in large crowds…Almost like I’m feeling a lot of negative energy and claustrophobic. How you can’t like food is another topic…:)

    See, this is all so new to me, I didn’t know how to act/react towards my parents. But…It is been different in how I look at my mother…Now that I see her clearly in how she behaves towards me, her other kids and her grand children, I can see that she is this way to everyone. But…She really has a hot trigger finger for me. I will do whatever it takes to get better (even though I have almost given up on it). Yes, I was originally (meaning the past two days) mad at them, but how do I look at them as just people. If I view my mother as anxious, yelling at nothing, (actually that’s one of her main ways of communicating), being like fire to gasoline to me, her micro managing me, constantly thinking that there is only bad news, and treating me like I’m a little child and except these things, that I will learn to change and know who I am? God hope so! I did look at my mom differently, and I mentioned I felt anger…I didn’t know what else to feel, but deep down I knew that wasn’t constructive.

    I truly appreciate your guidance in this process Anita, you are very wise and clear in your communication.

    I did read the seperation-individuation process, but it didn’t seem clear to me. You break it down very clearly, (which I appreciate).

    I just need to get through Christmas and New Years with the best attitude I can have.

    Thank you Anita!

    #123544
    John
    Participant

    Summerbreeze,
    hahaha…My family owned a restaurant for 23 years and I worked at a French restaurant all through college. Working weekends, nights, holidays, the constant pressure cooker ready to explode, and CUSTOMERS. Thank you, but no…:)
    Meeting the girlfriends parents for the first time is can be a touch nerve wracking regardless of your employment. My advice to you, “since I’ve been there a million times” is don’t bring it up. I’m sure they will and say your own version of you looking for a job in a specific field (and that can be something that interests you). The most important thing is to own it. Believe it. And don’t wait for that dreaded question. Be in the moment. Be present with them. Who knows, maybe the conversation leads towards you asking more questions about a family topic. Ask questions about the parents..Or your girlfriends childhood and family vacations. I’m just throwing things out there. You can also twist the nervousness and say, “I’m so excited to meet the parents of the woman I love”.
    By the way, these just to be coping strategies that I’ve used in the past, take it or leave it…:)
    Try to take yourself out of your head this holiday season as best as possible and focus on other things or hobby’s.

    #123545
    John
    Participant

    Anita,
    I woke up this morning and was thinking, “OK, so I’m to look at my parents as who they are.” But what about the constant triggers that come my way from mom. I had three voicemails by 8am yesterday, she is constantly anxious, and micromanaging me. How I’m a suppose to deal with that? I get super angry at myself because I am “choosing” not to do anything (work) about it. In the meantime, my choice not to work is crushing my self esteem and confidence and making me feel powerless in my own life.
    I don’t know if I am saying “f… you…You screwed me up and now I’m going to make you pay for it by showing you how much you screwed me up”…That’s the only thing I can think of.

    I hope you have a very enjoyable and relaxing Christmas…:)

    #123549
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear surfingwig:

    Thank you for your wishes and hope you are having a relaxing Christmas Day.

    If I understand you correctly, you are wondering whether your unemployment history is fueled by a motivation to show your mother that she messed you up. I don’t think so. At times, this thought occurs (obviously it has occurred), but that is in retrospect.

    It is clearly unhealthy for you to live with her, to have her in your life, at the least in the present capacity. It is unhealthy for you to receive her endless texts, micromanaging, and to be exposed to her ongoing state of anxiety. Not to mention the occasional yelling (every yelling coming from her is one too many).

    Looking at the title of your thread, “throwing in the towel”- I think throwing in the towel about your mother is the thing to do, as I suggested before. Her ongoing anxiety is keeping you stuck.

    “I can’t hold down a job”- another part of the title of your thread. I am challenging that statement- you already held down jobs. Lots of people nowadays change jobs, a whole lot as I understand having the same job from the cradle to the grave is a thing of the past, isn’t it?

    Who you are is something that is going to materialize when you are no longer stuck with your mother, I believe. Separate from her, in some way, every day. Do whatever it takes.

    anita

    #123563
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear surfingwig:

    I just read your note to me before last, for the first time. Regarding the anger toward your mother- it is okay to feel it, as it is okay to feel any and every feeling we experience. There is a valid message in every feeling. If we figure that message, the message provides guidance for better, more effective living, better well being.

    Of course you feel anger at the person who has harmed you so much. It is natural. Anger is a motivation, in the animal world of which we are a part, to fight a threat, someone who has harmed you or is about to harm you. In your case, it is both: she harmed you a whole lot, and she still does.

    How do you fight a woman you love though, still attached to… and living in her guest house, still needing her for shelter? The anger doesn’t feel constructive when you have nowhere to move to, and when deep inside you really want to see her in a better light, so to feel safer… (This is why children are heavily motivated to see the very best in their parents, no matter who the parents are).

    In your case, the valid message of your anger is not that you should physically harm your mother, of course. That will get you to a different kind of shelter for a good number of years. What is the valid message, then? Take it on from here, today, tomorrow, anytime.

    anita

    #123567
    John
    Participant

    Dear Anita,
    Merry Christmas. 🙂
    OK, I see your point how my mother has been and currently affecting my life. And you are totally correct. There were many years when I didn’t live with her and I still had issues with work. I agree that I should work, but I feel paralyzed in making a move forward. Now, if someone needed handyman work or design help, I can do that. But you need clients and I don’t have the self confidence to do that.
    In order for me to move out my mothers house, I’m going to have to pay high rent, which means I need a decent job. Personally, I would love to move back to the Central Coast of California where it’s slower, I’m more in nature, great wine country, and amazing place to BBQ and cook. The difference now being, I’m moving up there solo (I was married when I lived in SLO), I don’t have a job (and trust that I can keep one down), and it’s almost as expensive as LA. But I love it there.

    I feel stuck here and don’t know how to get out of this situation. My mother won’t stop texting me if I ask her to do so, she won’t stop calling me, and won’t stop being so anxious. When I beg her to stop, she says she feels like she’s walking on egg shells with me. The only to stop these things is to move out, period. I’m just not sure how to do so.

    Thank you again Anita!!

    #123570
    John
    Participant

    Dear Anita,
    I believe that the anger I feel is that her yelling/anxiousness/etc. She has caused me so much pain (and still does) and now matter how much I tell her, she still does it. I feel, “If she loved me, she would stop” . And that hurts my heart. That’s where part of the anger is from with her. I’m also anger towards myself for not taking care of me. Nothing, no matter how much pain and anger I feel, I am choosing not to get a job. That angers me. I don’t believe in myself in regards to goals except basic ones: making my bed, having a clean house and brushing my teeth. I don’t have a gym membership anymore, so I’m not as inclined to work out.
    This hopelessness is getting worse, not better. I don’t believe in goal setting because in the past 9 years, I haven’t achieved my goals, (except for basic goals and one or two that are easy). I’m not motivated by anything anymore because I don’t believe in myself.
    I’ve been to soooooo many self help gigs, and nothing has helped me with my career/job situation. Which is why I feel like throwing in the towel. I no confidence that I will stay at any job: because of my anxiety and anger while at work.
    I feel that somehow I am self sabotaging myself and I have some block.
    That is a huge reason for my anger towards myself. Tough love shit doesn’t motivate me, nor does knowing that living here is toxic, or that if I have money, I can date, etc.

    Thank you again for all your advice and courage to look at myself.

    #123572
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear surfingwig:

    First, Gentle Love, not Tough Love. I strongly believe that you need to move out for your mental well being, but I am not suggesting you do so immediately, or quickly or ASAP- not at all, after all you’ve been living in the guest house for years. Any pressure you put on yourself is likely to be counter productive and achieve the opposite. You wrote that tough love doesn’t work for you and I believe you. It doesn’t work for me either, and never has. Maybe it is because love is gentle in its essence, not tough. A gentle voice from your mother when you were a child, instead of the (tough) yelling would have done wonders to you. Gentle voices in my childhood would have done wonders for me.

    So no pressure. As I communicate with you I am not invested, emotionally, in you moving out. After all, I cannot predict the future and be sure moving out is going to work very well for you. I believe it is the right thing for you, at the right time. When you are ready, not before.

    Central CA, sounds nice, being slow- may fit your pace. There is such a thing as a FIT between a place and a person.

    And please do not try to not feel angry at your mother, do not try to get rid of a feeling. Listen to its message.

    …And you are welcome.

    anita

    #123576
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear surfingwig:

    I just read your last post, about the message in your anger.

    Regarding your anger at your mother: you are correct. If she loved you, she would have stopped yelling the first time it hurt you. Like I wrote before: the hurt and fear in the boy that you were, those were evident in your face, your body, your movements. She saw those things. Just like she heard you express these in your words. You told her.

    But she doesn’t want to walk on eggshells, she told you. Meaning, she doesn’t want to inconvenience herself by not yelling, by changing her behavior. She chooses to hurt you for the purpose of not inconveniencing herself. So, yes, you are correct. She doesn’t love you. And she hasn’t. Tough pill to swallow, isn’t it?

    Regarding the anger you feel toward yourself:you wrote, “Nothing, no matter how much pain and anger I feel, I am choosing not to get a job…I’m not motivated by anything anymore because I don’t believe in myself.”

    Interesting. Look at this sentence: “no matter how much pain and anger I feel I am… not motivated to (help/ better yourself)- it is right here, in this sentence- you think (wrongly) that it is pain and anger that motivates a person to have a better life, better mental well being. This is the concept of tough love, isn’t it? Maybe, I wonder, thinking wrongly like this, you think you need MORE pain and anger at yourself… No, no, no. It is not pain and anger at yourself that will motivate you.

    You wrote, “I’ve been to soooooo many self help gigs, and nothing has helped me with my career/job situation. Which is why I feel like throwing in the towel”

    I do believe you need to throw in the towel, on some aspects of your thinking and believing. For one, throw in the towel on the concept of tough love. Throw in the towel on self help literature. (and throw in the towel on the relationship with your mother and your father, your hope is not there).

    You wrote, “I no confidence that I will stay at any job: because of my anxiety and anger while at work.”- it is possible that you should throw in the towel on employment as well. Possible. The SSI program is tailored for people who legitimately are throwing in the towel on employment. just saying, a possibility.

    Pay attention, please: it is “tough love” that got you here, lack of love, really. What you need is love, not more of the absence of it. Slowly adopt the intent to no longer pressure yourself, no longer listen to the wrong thinking on the matter expressed by people and social conventions. What you described in this thread are not “excuses” (the word you used before) for unemployment etc., but valid reasons. You are not lazy and irresponsible, you are discouraged and beaten.

    Be loving to yourself, this is a new beginning.

    anita

    #123789
    John
    Participant

    Hi Anita,

    Well, I’m taking your advice…Long story short, my mother and I butted heads on the day after christmas. She told me that she loves me very much and would do anything for me. I told her, I appreciate the financial assistance and that no amount for favors, gifts, etc. is what I need. I what I really need is for you to stop yelling and being anxious. She said that she is a lot better then she you use to be and she’s doing her best. I said, “well, unfortunately that’s not enough. I want to heal and it’s very hard to do so when you so anxious, so knowing that I truly can’t handle the yelling and being anxious, I think the best thing is for me to try and stay away for a while. I know that it made her feel uncomfortable and sad. I have to say though, it was a talk (out of hundreds) that felt so empowering for myself. I feel different, like I actually feel a separation. I also feel sad and a little bit in limbo, but it will work itself out.

    Now, should I say something to father as well? The thing is, I believe it backfire on me. First off, he won’t understand, secondly he and my step mother will get very defensive. And I’m not sure how to approach it. “Dad, I feel that you and I never have deep conversations about feelings, and I really needed that.” He blamed me at first for my ex-wife just splitting and going back to Austria. They loved her very much but thought I did something for her to leave. I felt that he didn’t have my back. I explained all this to him and he still didn’t see it. He truly doesn’t understand feelings and really think it will make things worse. Should I explain my current (Anita diagnoses) and that is what is truly why I’m having a hard time keeping down a job? Talking to him will create a serious wedge between him and my step mom and will stop all of kids (with my absence) at family functions.

    My dad and step mom were upset that I didn’t see them Christmas Eve when they were just 5 blocks away. I told them I was sick (which I was) and went to bed at 8pm.
    Not sure how to handle my dad and step mom.

    Thank you Anita for being so awesome!

    #123793
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Surfingwig:

    I thought about you this very morning, before I turned on the computer, wondering what is happening in your life. I had the feeling that there will be a confrontation with your mother and I am not surprised that there was.

    Your confrontation with your mother made you feel empowered because, I believe, what you told her was true, congruent with reality, very clear and simple. It is when we get entangled with untruths, convenient thinking, lies, that we feel lost, weak, even paralyzed. Truth frees that feeling-alive inside us.

    Looking closer at the confrontation: she used the same-old-same-old lie parents tell their children (minor and adult) a whole lot: I love you. I will do anything for you. I will give my life for you, etc. These lies make mothers feel good about themselves.

    Then you say to her, here is how I need you to love me: stop yelling at me and stop acting anxious around me (texting etc.)-

    And what is her response? Did she ask you: “tell me more how it feels to you when I yell at you? How did it feel when you were younger? I am so sorry I scared you so much. It was so wrong of me. I regret it so much. I promise: I will never, ever yell at you again. If I find myself yelling, in spite of my best efforts, I will move out of the house and let you live here without me. I owe it to you. I owe this and more to you. I will move away so to not expose you to my yelling (if I can’t help it). I will stop acting as anxious around you as I have. I will attend therapy and go on medication if I can’t help myself. I owe it to you.

    Did she say any of these things- expressing empathy toward you, regretting her terrible abuse of you, offering to make amends to you?

    No. If she did offer these things I suggested, that would be love.

    Regarding your father: tell him how you think and feel about the LACK in the relationship and the lack of support of you regarding the ex wife, but don’t expect his understanding. Expect no understanding nor a willingness to understand. Here is what you will NOT get:

    “I am so sorry son. I left you alone with an abusive woman, your mother as I proceeded with my life, not protecting you from her. To add to me not protecting you, I wasn’t in your life to comfort you, to listen to you, to be a safe place for you to express yourself. I only talked of trivia when what you needed was help. On top of it, I didn’t support you when your ex wife left you. I am so sorry. I want to make it up to you: I want you to find a place for you to move to, an apartment, far from your mother’s. I will pay the first six month rent for you there and give you enough money for six month worth of utilities, gas money and food. I owe you more than that, but six months is a start, and what I can afford at the moment.

    – these two people failed you and they do owe you. I wish they responded in the ways I suggested.

    Post again, and again, anytime you need to.

    anita

    #123797
    John
    Participant

    Hahaha. Anita, in a perfect world, that would be the perfect response from both of them.
    The thing with my mother is that I have told her hundreds of times to stop her yelling/anxiousness, but she keeps on going. I think the difference now is that I truly put my foot down with her and how I won’t tolerate it anymore.

    So, are you saying that I should have a talk with my Dad in regards to him not being emotionally there for me?
    OK, I believe that I’m going to have to email him and let him know how I feel so he does not misinterpret what I am saying.
    Today, I feel like I’m standing on the edge of a cliff…Very unstable, (but in a good way). I’m just going to take your advice and be good to myself.

    I have an off topic question for you Anita…As I’m going through this transition, should I not date women? First off, I really don’t have any money to date, but I love women and romance. Should I wait till I get my shit together, or have fun and do fun things for a while with a women that doesn’t cost money (hiking, walking, making dinner for them)? I know that it is a little unrealistic to keep that up forever. I have no problem asking women out, but I get a little nervous because I’m not making money and can’t do A LOT of things with a woman. And, I really don’t need any extra pressure on myself. I “think” I just answered my question…:)

Viewing 15 posts - 31 through 45 (of 108 total)

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