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I don't believe in love anymore

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  • #110505
    Denise
    Participant

    Hello, I just got dumped a month ago. The guy is sad about his stepfather dying and how it’s affecting his mother. So he says that he’s not ready for a relationship and that it was a mistake being with me and that he rushed into a relationship. I would try to understand his situation about his stepfather being ill but was it really necessary to break up and tell me that it was a mistake? I feel like it was mainly my fault and that I am cursed. My dad left me and my mom and I don’t know anyone who stayed married. I am paranoid and I feel like I will always be alone. I feel happy when a couple falls in love but then when they break up I tend to overreact and feel like love does not exist. Last year I set my priorities right and wanted to do well in my studies and I did it, but only for a short while because I started dating this guy. But then he broke up with me and now I’m all over the place again. It’s ridiculous that love comes when you’re not looking for it but never does when you are. I wonder if it is possible to make love stop coming to you when you are not looking for it, especially if it’s the wrong one. I would like to be good in my studies again but I don’t know how when my heart is broken. I mean, of course I would want love but what do I do when I’ve tried my best and it still doesn’t work? How do you even balance love and your studies? How do we stop making the same mistakes when it comes to love? How do we actually learn? Please help.

    #110534
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Denise:

    You wrote: ” I wonder if it is possible to make love stop coming to you when you are not looking for it,” as if love is a person that is “coming to you”. As if you are passive and love is active. The point I am making is that the best way to live is as an active participant in your life: you direct your own life. If you are not interested in a relationship at any one time, then you don’t engage in one. You don’t have to get into a relationship just because a guy comes along who is interested in you. You choose Who, When, Where, What, and Why.

    When you actively and thoughtfully choose the Who (the guy), the What (nature of the relationship, what kind…) and the Why (your relationship goals), then you will engage in love in which you do believe and not in the kinds of love/ relationships that you don’t believe in, that are not a good fit for you.

    anita

    #110552

    Hey @denisenas!

    First off, I’m so sorry you are in pain. Breakups are never fun and I hope you are doing some wonderful self-care to help you heal.

    I’ll begin with the first question you ask, because I think it’s an important one, “was it really necessary to break up and tell me that it was a mistake?” Painful as it may be for you to hear, the answer may very well be yes. I can’t see into this boy’s soul, but he was clearly dealing with the grief and aftermath of a death in the family and sometimes those situations provide us with clarity we otherwise wouldn’t have about life. Now, one can also make the equally valid counterargument that those are the *worst* times to make any major decisions. It’s a shame he didn’t give himself a “cooling off period” so he could reevaluate your relationship with a more level head. Either way, it is unfortunate he didn’t have the maturity/emotional intelligence/presence of mind to end things more delicately. If I were a betting woman, I’d wager he’s going to regret parts (if not all) of that last conversation someday.

    Now I haven’t met you, but I feel pretty confident in saying you are not cursed. You have just had the misfortune of having several unsuccessful relationships. That doesn’t mean you won’t eventually enter into a loving, successful, life long one – if that’s what you want. Most people go through a handful of relationships before they find someone who’s a good fit. And just because your parents split it doesn’t mean you’re condemned to the same fate. We each carve out our own destinies in life. One thing I do know for sure though, if you walk out your door everyday believing the worst about yourself and any prospective suitor, you’re definitely stacking the odds in favor of your failing.

    Anita is wise in her counsel to you. You have more agency then you realize. If you want to take a time out on dating to focus on your studies, you have that power. If you (after having healed from this breakup) want take steps to meet someone new – you can do that too! And when you’re with a quality person and have a loving, respectful relationship – and feel secure in yourself – you can devote yourself to school *and* be with this person. It isn’t a binary, either-or proposition when you have a solid foundation to build your life upon. It’s when you’re with someone that isn’t right for you or you are un-centered when everything comes crashing down.

    Finally, you ask, “how do we actually learn?” Well, just as a person learns not to touch a hot stove – they reach out, get burned, until they realize if they keep repeating the same behaviors that they’ll have the same results. Relationships are not all that different. You’ll need to sit down and do some soul searching – be fearless about it – but also with great self-compassion. Employ a therapist or trusted friend if need be. Ask yourself things like, “what are some common traits these men share that I’ll want to avoid in the future?” or “what does my ideal relationship look like?” etc. Introspection and then practicing the behaviors you wish to exhibit are how you change.

    Again, be kind to yourself. These are not easy issues. I wish you the best – know that you are worthy of love and capable of attracting it in your life.

    #110637
    365daysofkindness
    Participant

    I would recommend taking a look at this book: https://www.amazon.ca/Mastery-Love-Practical-Relationship-Toltec/dp/1878424424

    I think you would benefit from some of the learnings from it. I think you need to get to a place where you realize that another human being can’t give you happiness, it’s an inside job. As hurtful as breakups can be, you need to be secure in yourself and what you have to offer and know that waiting for the right fit is worth it.

    Every heartbreak along the way just shapes who we are. If it’s any consolation, they’re a universal experience.

    Best,
    http://www.365daysofkindness.com

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