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I don't kow what to think

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  • #118802
    Learning
    Participant

    Dear tiny buddha,
    I’m currently working on my relationship with my in laws, it been years in the making I should say, I’ve been with my spouse for over 13 years, we are high school sweet hearts. We have a 4 year old together and due to hard times we currently stay with his parents. My relationship with them has been tough from the start. And after years of this rocky road I’m tired and I just want to smooth things out, for my own sanity. Since we are living under their roof I understand that I’m at their mercy so to speak, so I bite my tougue, grin it and bear it. My mother in law will say certain things that I don’t know what to think. She constantly tells me of all the things she notices in my son that he gets from her side of the family, for example, my grandson is so smart, he’s so handsome, he’s a genius, then she will look at me and say you know he gets that from my side of the family right. In the beginning i didn’t think anything of it because I saw it as love for her grandson, and a way of relating to him. But after constantly hearing it I can’t help but wonder if she is trying to shit on me and my family, excuse my language. She never accepted my family and I, so is this a way of letting me know?

    #118806
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Learning:

    Yes, reads to me that she is communicating to you that she disapproves of you and your family-of-origin. Reads to me that she wants you to know she thinks less of you and your family-of-origin (your side of the family).

    Reads to me that she feels entitled to make such comments because you live in her home. She sees you as powerless and herself as powerful. You wrote: “I understand that I’m at their mercy”- and reads to me like she understands the same thing, that you are at her mercy.

    I think there is still a way for you to assert yourself with her. If you already tried to assert yourself with her, will you remind me how you did so? And if you are interested to try again, let me know- maybe we can figure out a way.

    anita

    #118810
    Learning
    Participant

    Dear Anita,
    As always it’s nice to hear your input I greatly appreciate it. I have tried and continue to assert myself to her comments. I try not to take what she says personally, this gives me the opportunity to not react defensively, but it’s hard. I try to understand where she’s coming from as only wanting the best for her children. I try to remind myself that she had a hard up bringing. And lastly I try to read between the lines and see if there is something truth to what she says and maybe she sees something in me that I need to work on. Her favorite motto is she leaves no room for mistakes. And I tell her I don’t look at my mistakes as errors but rather to do things differently next time, learn and grow. She’s big on words and says whatever you have to say carries big meaning so choose your words carefully when you speak to her. I am open as to what you advice you can offer I honestly would like a better relationship with her.

    #118821
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Learning:

    My advice regarding what I believe you should stop doing:

    1. ” I try to understand where she’s coming from as only wanting the best for her children.” She is hurting you purposefully. So she is coming from her desire to hurt your feelings and keep you submissive to her. I say, stop looking beyond this clear motivation on her part. (I doubt she has her children’s best interest in heart as well- we assume this about mothers, but her son’s and grandson’s best interest would be that she treats you well, so that you will be a healthier wife and mother, not a distressed one!)

    2. ” I try to remind myself that she had a hard up bringing.” – this is irrelevant because every single person, or at the least, almost every single person who mistreats another, does so because they had an unsatisfactory up bringing. It is not an excuse.

    3. ” I try to read between the lines and see if there is something truth to what she says and maybe she sees something in me that I need to work on.” No, her interest is not that you work on yourself. Her interest is, again, to hurt you and keep you submissive to her. She is not mistreating you because you need improvement. She is mistreating you because mistreating you makes her feel good and she can get away with it.

    4. “I tell her I don’t look at my mistakes as errors but rather to do things differently next time, learn and grow”- again, she is not interested in you learning and growing. She is interested in hurting you and keeping you submissive to her.

    My advice as to what to do instead:

    1. Your attitude: Aim at her respecting you, not liking you. You can’t make her like you. Your MIL is into having power over you, that is all. The weaker she sees you, the more comfortable she is to keep hurting you. The more you try to please her, the more she is comfortable hurting you. The more submissive you are to her, the more effort she will exert to keep you submissive.

    2. In practice: when she says something hurtful to you, like that your son takes after her side of the family, walk closer to her, stand straight, look in her eyes and say in a calm, yet firm, strong voice: “I believe he takes a lot from my side of the family.” Still stand there, let the words you just said sink into her brain. Then walk away.

    anita

    #118822
    Learning
    Participant

    Thanks Anita I do need to work on standing up for myself I admit that. Thanks for the advice. Always appreciated.

    #118824
    Peter
    Participant

    I have found that when we find ourselves repeating a specific scenarios of interaction with someone it often means that at some subconscious level both parties are attempting to heal a past hurt.

    My opinion is that the only way to break out of the pattern is effective communication which unfortunately becomes so difficult when the issue is between families and talking doesn’t feel safe.

    The following is an example of a self-defeating loop when real issue is something happening behind the words.

    “Let’s say that your significant other has been paying less and less attention to you. You realize he or she has a busy job, but you still would like more time together. You drop a few hints about the issue, but your loved one doesn’t handle it well. You decide not to put on added pressure, so you clam up.

    Of course, since you’re not all that happy with the arrangement, your displeasure now comes out through an occasional sarcastic remark. “Another late night, huh? I’ve got Facebook friends I see more often.”

    Unfortunately (and here’s where the problem becomes self-defeating), the more you snip and snap, the less your loved one wants to be around you. So your significant other spends even less time with you, you become even more upset, and the spiral continues. Your behavior is now actually creating the very thing you didn’t want in the first place. You’re caught in an unhealthy, self-defeating loop.”
    ― Kerry Patterson, Crucial Conversations Tools for Talking When Stakes Are High

    How to break the cycle from crucial conversations.
    – Learn to Look
    – Make It Safe
    – Master My Stories
    – Mutual Purpose
    – Six Styles Under Stress
    – Start With Heart
    – Work On Me First

    #118852
    Peter
    Participant

    In the past during a crucial conversations I tend to imagine I knew what the other person intention was behind the words they were saying. Making up stories the generally upset me while very rarely asking them if what I imagine is was true.

    One of the Principle of Charity states that if an interaction can be interpreted in several ways and that we cannot or have no intention of determining which interpretation is true then we should chose the interpretation that is most positive and upsets us less.

    #118854
    Learning
    Participant

    Dear Peter I liked what you had to say, and I appreciate your input. My mil always says she speaks from experience, and she’s older and wiser. I’m not sure if my mil is imagining my intentions when I’m speaking or if she is genuinely listening to what I have to say. But she dislikes it very much if I don’t agree with her perspective and dismisses what I have to say by concluding it with you don’t know what your speaking about so what you have to say is not important because you don’t have enough experience.

    #118856
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Learning:

    On your June 20th thread, you wrote about your mil (these are all quotes):
    “his mom she would say things like to me like:
    * why doesn’t my son like this girl or this person, what does he see in you.
    *… I thought my son would find someone else but he stayed with you.
    * …she’s dissapointed that I’m having a boy and not a girl.
    *…you know I feel a connection with my grandchild but i don’t feel one with you.
    *…only my son and my grandson is my blood you are another’s man’s daughter
    *…(she asked me) why my parents never got that (teeth) taken care of.
    *… I need to live near by grandson to be sure he’s raised right.
    *…she says to me she doesnt see her son staying with me. When we first met she said this 10 years later shes still saying it.”

    In your original post on this thread you wrote: ” I can’t help but wonder if she is trying to s*&^ on me.”-

    My answer: yes, she is. Can there be any doubt?

    anita

    #118879
    Learning
    Participant

    Thanks Anita for taking the time to read back to my previous post that means a lot. I’m trying to distance this feeling of attachment I feel towards my mil. Thank you

    #118882
    Anonymous
    Guest

    You are welcome, Learning. I hope you move out with your child and partner and live away from your in-laws and that you are otherwise, no longer the object to your mother-in-law’s disrespect and mistreatment.
    anita

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