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i need advice please!

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  • #67126
    sammitink
    Participant

    I am a 21 year old girl and my boyfriend is 34, he has 2 kids 14 and 12. I love them to death and they are wonderful. I love him very much to and i want to know how i can make this work. he is a good man and we really have some great times together. when we are happy its the best relationship i have had but when we are bad we are really bad. he is controlling and i live with him, I can’t really go anywhere with out hurting him but he dosen’t go anywhere either we spend 247 together i gave up my car and job for him because i really love him. but we can communicate and i can’t figure out how. when i tell him something that upsets me he makes me feel gulity or gets super mad. i can’t figure out how to get through to him and when he gets mad he screams at the top of his lungs and makes me cry. he puts me down with certain things not physical things he always calls me beautiful and never puts me down that way but calls me a baby, immature and pathetic things like that. they really hurt me. latley i have gotten a lot more aggresive. he was picking at me the other day so i started screaming back and its gotten to the point where i punch myself and can’t control my screaming and anger. i just need help i don’t know what in the world to do i really love him and the kids so much but i just find myself wanting to leave and there is a good chance i might be pregnate i am so stressed out and don’t want to loose the baby please help me!!!

    #67129
    Aar
    Participant

    Hi Sister,

    If you are unable to get counseling, then please involve a family member or someone you trust. What you described happened to my sister. He was emotionally abusive and controlling. He dominated her financially. When she expressed that she wanted to stand on her own two feet, he left her, poor and with kids. You have to able to stand on your own two feet, sister. And if someone loves you, they will stand WITH you, NOT on you.

    You’re not doomed. You’re reaching out because you understand there is something wrong here. People here can tell you to do this or that. But it is you who will make that decision and you alone. Find the support system you need to help you get through the consequences of your decision. And that you recognize that there is something wrong with this picture is a VERY important thing. Don’t underestimate its importance.

    And if it adds anything to what I’ve said above, I am a guy. And my sister made it through. She felt bad for seeking her family’s support because they had warned her so many times about the guy she was with. But it took her several years to see it for herself. And when she was at her lowest and alone, the family was there to pick her up. It wasn’t easy. But it was part of the healing process and made her relationship grow stronger with her family. This is just an example of an experience I know of. I hope it provides you with some guidance.

    Sincerely

    #67131
    Jo
    Participant

    I am so sorry your going through this, when you love someone so deeply it can be so hard to think about your needs first. I can’t give you answers, just advice because I don’t know you personally and can only go by what you have written but it does sound like your partner could be a bit emotionally manipulative and controlling.
    (I’m not saying this to lay blame as sometimes people do this behavior without even knowing it, as it’s what they themselves have learnt).
    But from personal experience, in a ‘healthy’ relationship you should never have to give up anything you own for your partner (eg car and job, the enjoyment of going out). I learnt this the hard way and realized I was giving him my power because of the lack of love and worthiness I had for my self and yes I thought I had good self esteem but when I had time away from him and to do some soul searching, I realized I was to scared to deal with my true emotions.
    Based on what you have written, I would suggest if you have somewhere else to stay that you take a break from the relationship, even if you are pregnant. It will give you time to think and if you are pregnant be in a less stressful environment. However it only works if you cut all contact, including messages. You are so young so you don’t need to rush and make all your choices now. Maybe explain to him you need time apart to think, as it sounds like this relationship is making you a ‘different’ person from who you are normally.
    I know it hurts to think of the children missing you but as harsh as it sounds, they are not your children/responsibility and you need to do whats best for you not them, so if that is whats holding you back from living in an unstable environment please remember everyone has there own path to teach them lessons in life and maybe there lessons are different from yours.

    Please don’t think I’m just telling you to leave forever because only you can decide if this relationship is appropriate for you or not and maybe this will help your partner change his ways, but I suggest seeing a councillor (either just you or both) to help with the issues you are facing and a no contact break would be a good idea.

    I truly hope you find your answer to this problem and the courage to make the right choices for you and of course happiness.

    #67157
    silentwatch
    Participant

    where is his wife?

    #67166
    sammitink
    Participant

    Thank you very much for the advice. I know what I need to do for myself now I just need to achieve it. I really love them but I know some people are just not compatable

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