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I need to accept and move on, but how?

HomeForumsRelationshipsI need to accept and move on, but how?

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  • #110244
    Michelle
    Participant

    My boyfriend and I broke up 2 weeks ago. We were together for a bit over a year. We would only see eachother on the weekends because he lived 45min away (an hour and 20 min if there was traffic). I realized he was going out with his friends and not telling me. I confronted him about this and didn’t understand why he was being sneaky when I never gave him a reason too. He told me it was because he was traumatized from one of his exes always keeping tabs on him as well as not wanting to tell me in fear that I would call him out on him going out when he should be taking care of his responsibilities (which I never have).
    He’s been having a really hard time dealing with time management: work, working on his portfolio for potential jobs, side art, exercising, eating right, paying back school loans, medical bills (from a surgery he recently had), etc. I was trying to accommodate him with his time: go out to his area more so he can work on his art, get groceries and stay in to avoid overspending, maybe see eachother every other weekend versus every weekend… etc. Turns out, if he can go out and make time with his friends–why am I the one that’s busting my ass to make it work?
    In the end he told me he needed time to settle his finances and his responsibilities–meaning no more time for me. The travel, the money, the time was too much for him to handle. What hurts me is why I was the one that needed to be cut in order for him to settle himself? Why was I seen as a distraction versus a positive thing in his life? We had decided on a break first, but in the end I told him a clean break would be best–he didn’t fight me on it. I couldn’t reconcile that when it got difficult, he bailed.
    I feel like the rug has pulled out from under me. Now I have all these insecurities: Why wasn’t I enough? Why couldn’t he just tell me that things were bothering him so much? Why wasn’t I good enough for him to still work things out with me?
    I know he’s not an a-hole–I know that he did what he thought was right for the both of us, but still… doesn’t hurt any less because I feel I was the one sacrificed to make things “better”. I told him to delete all my info–however, I still check my phone and email to see if maybe he’ll contact me saying he made a big mistake, misses me and wants us back. It’s never going to happen, is it?
    I’m trying to keep busy by hanging with friends, exercising and reading–though I feel that none of things are enough. I hurt and I’m wondering what you guys can advise to help soothe that pain. Also, what can I do to accept that things are just done?
    Thanks.

    #110261
    Dawn
    Participant

    ms1681 – I think I understand how you’re feeling, I’ve been there, and I’m sorry you’re going through this. It’s definitely a blow to our ego when someone doesn’t want to be with us. I had a similar situation, however I ended things with the hope it would jump him into action and put more attention on me and our relationship.

    For soothing the pain: just allow it. Breakups are hard. It’s okay to be sad and to grieve the loss. Allow yourself some time to heal and be kind to yourself. Meaning, don’t beat yourself up for being sad. If you have bad days it’s ok. They’ll lessen over time and become less frequent.

    I would like to also say, his feelings and choices have nothing to do with you. There could be a plethora of reasons whey he wants to move on and none of them have anything to do with your worth. He could be dealing with his own insecurities, really want to work on his finances or just not willing to commit to you. Anyway you look at it moving on is the only thing you can do.

    By understanding that you’re holding on to something you have no control over maybe you’ll better be able to let go? Look at this; you cannot control his thoughts, feelings and choices. By trying to understand sometimes we’re hoping it will give us the answer as to how to make it work. I find that most of the time when I’m obsessing over something or I’m sad, angry or depressed it’s because (subconsciously) I think it will get me what I want. One of my favorite philosophers says “it’s never the situation that’s bad, its our thoughts about it.” meaning, the situation is what it is, our mind labels it good and bad. How long it takes to let go is entirely up to you.

    After a similar experience, I worked on what I can control, my actions, I now try not to cling. I practice meditation, self-love and compassionate empathy and allow anything that wasn’t meant for me to remove itself. It took me several months to get to a happy place after my breakup with noted BF. I was attached and had expectations of our relationship that I had no control over. When I realized that expectations are just premeditated resentments it became much easier trust the process and the impermanence of things in my life.

    I’ll keep you in my thoughts and you’re doing the right things! Stay busy, have fun and get out with your friends. Enjoy the time this has freed up for you to do what makes you happy.

    #110263
    Michelle
    Participant

    @bestpartofday Thanks so much for your hopeful words! It’s definitely hard for me to accept since it’s been recent, but seeing that it is possible makes me feel that all is not lost and I should look forward to new things. I definitely want to take this time and work more on myself: practice self-love, realize my own self-worth and set up healthy boundaries for myself so that next time around (if/when it happens), like you said, trust the process and the impermanence of things. I don’t want to indulge in my insecurities, loneliness and depression this time around. I’m already in therapy and I plan to attend a meditation intro class next weekend. If I’m alone–I need to tell myself that it’s OKAY if I am.
    I miss him. I think I will miss him for a while–he was my roll dog. I’ll try my best not to stalk his FB page–it’s open access. And if he ends up dating someone I also need to be okay with it and not hate him and such. It’ll do me no good.
    I’m trying to be positive. Mostly because (like you said) it’s out of my control. If I don’t accept/let go–I’ll be tormenting myself.

    Thanks again for listening and for the advice! I feel it to be a virtual hug. I really appreciate it ‘cuz it’s exactly what I need.

    #110266
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear ms1681:

    I am thinking that what might have happened is the following: he is under pressure with all the things you mentioned, work, bills, loans, future planning- things that are either no fun at all or require such seriousness (his art portfolios) that at this time, they are not fun. So you tried to make it easier for him, do the things that make sense: stay home and not go out to avoid expenses, is one.

    So there he is on a weekday or any day and he gets really stressed, distressed, anxious, uncomfortable and need a release- right there and then. So he has friends close by, no travel required, no in-advance planning to get together, so he calls them or goes out and meet where he knows they will be, maybe down the street and so he does that, have a few laughs, a drink maybe and he feels better, somewhat recovered for the next day and the next series of responsibilities.

    And he needs to do it repeatedly, so he did. He didn’t tell you because maybe, his ex story is true and he doesn’t want that distress again. (Remember my point is he needs occasional relief of distress, not adding to it). Then you find out and you react in such a way that, as he predicted, adds to his distress.

    So he lets you go. Not that you are not good enough, but that his immediate need day in and day out is to relieve distress as it occurred, without prior planning and travel.

    Your efforts to make it easier for him were well meant but you missed his greatest need: fun/ release of distress when needed, as needed (and understandably so) and he needed No Additional Distress.

    It was not about you not being good enough. Not at all.

    Does this make sense to you?

    anita

    #110270
    Michelle
    Participant

    @newlife123 I definitely see that his friends were the most practical, comforting and familiar option. If anything I was glad he had that outlet since I wasn’t easily accessible. It makes sense. For me it wasn’t the friend thing that bothered me, but the secret thing.
    My problem with it all was that I was hoping that what we shared and his feelings for me were enough to see me as his champion and not an added stress. It’s sad to me he saw me as the latter.

    #110301
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear ms1681:

    You want to accept the ending of this relationship and to soothe the pain because you are hurting. It hurts when someone chooses to not have us in their lives… as if we were not important enough for them and after we tried so hard. Two things I am thinking: learn (over time) all you can learn from this relationship, now in the past and heal from this heart break. It is an injury that requires healing. Please do use this thread to learn/ heal, over time. Be patient with the process and gentle with yourself.

    anita

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