Home→Forums→Relationships→I thought I had moved on from my divorce. I was wrong.
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Kim.
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February 19, 2017 at 3:30 pm #128383
JeffParticipantMy wife and I divorced about six months ago. The divorce process was amicable, and we share custody of our young son. I would say we have a functional and cooperative co-parenting relationship. Over the last 6 months, I had truly convinced myself that I had moved on from my wife, that I no longer loved her, and that I was just fine. I’ve worked hard to maintain this illusion both to friends and family, but also to myself.
Then yesterday, I had plans for a gaming night with a few friends. They ended up bailing on me at the last minute, and it didn’t happen. I’m not sure why, but this hit me like a ton of bricks. It knocked down an emotional facade that I had been presenting to everyone else and to myself. I had a mini-breakdown and suddenly realized three things. First, I still love and miss my ex-wife. Second, my stoic tendency to suppress emotion and general emotional unavailability were probably root causes of the failure of our marriage. Third, I am now completely and utterly alone in this world.
Don’t get me wrong, I’ve got friends, but they’ve all got lives of their own, often with family responsibilities, and I don’t get to see them that often, and even when we do make plans they often fall apart like what happened yesterday. My parents live relatively close to me, but they told me a few days ago that they are soon going to move across the country, as they are just not happy in this area. Hence, the feeling I have of being completely and utterly alone.
I’m generally fine on days I’m busy, when I have to go to work and take care of my son and so forth. But on days like this, where I’m home alone with no plans and nobody around, I feel crushingly alone. Today I stopped at a bagel place to get breakfast, and there was a long line. In my past life, I would have been irritated at the wait. But today I was fine with the wait, as it allowed me to stand among other human beings for a while longer, even though all of them were strangers.
Today I’ve realized that although my ex-wife has moved on with her life, I am still drifting along the same path charted when we were still together. I just don’t know how to do anything else.
Any comments or advice are welcome. Thank you in advance.
February 19, 2017 at 4:04 pm #128395
AnonymousGuestDear Jeff:
I read your posts in the three threads you started on this forum. What a fast paced story you told, no wonder it is hitting you hard. It was all so very fast, from becoming aware that there was something wrong in your marriage to being six months post divorce, all very fast. You are adjusting, and you feel lonely.
You wrote: ” I had a mini-breakdown and suddenly realized three things.
First, I still love and miss my ex-wife”- my comment: when we are distressed, our thinking is far from accurate. You are lonely and you need more time to adjust, adapt to the new situation. I would relax first, take it very easy, before getting too attached to your realizations as The Truth.“Second, my stoic tendency to suppress emotion and general emotional unavailability were probably root causes of the failure of our marriage”- doesn’t ring true to me. I read your other posts carefully. This self blame has to do, I believe, with your distressed thinking. I am highly suspicious of it being the objective truth.
“Third, I am now completely and utterly alone in this world”- yes, not the best thinking under distress, I say. Here is the all-or-nothing distorted thinking, “utterly alone”.
As a matter of fact, three kinds of distorted thinking (term used in Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, CBT):
Emotional Reasoning is the first distorted thinking, it is in your “realization” that you love your wife. You felt it when lonely and desperate. Doesn’t mean you would love her if and when you date another woman, for example, having a new relationship.
Self Blame is the second distorted thinking, that is in your second “realization” and All-or-Nothing/ Black-and-White thinking is in your last.
anita
February 19, 2017 at 8:05 pm #128439JeffParticipantThank you for your insights Anita. Yes, this weekend has been a very low time for me, and it took me completely by surprise when I thought I was doing fairly well. Fortunately, this evening I got my son back, and he tends to balance me out emotionally. I am going to think about my “realizations” in light of what you’ve said. You’ve given me much to ponder.
February 19, 2017 at 8:22 pm #128441AnonymousGuestDear Jeff:
You are welcome. When emotional, postpone figuring things out to when you are calm. Post again, anytime.
anita
February 20, 2017 at 4:12 am #128463
KimParticipantI really hear you on this and if you can look there is goodness to take from this. It sounds like you’ve tapped into the pain and possibly the root cause of your divorce. Everyone shares responsibility in the ending of a marriage, so it is not just yours alone. Stuffing your feelings won’t work out in the long run, they always catch up to you. And what a beautiful lesson to learn. Isn’t that what ‘failing’ is all about? Educating yourself about your own emotional intelligence will only get you further down the path of moving on through research and reading you may even have an ah huh moment or two And accepting what is and what you feel. Just treat yourself as you would your best friend or own child. Would you tell him to move on already? That this should be behind him by now? Likely not. I’m also going through a divorce and when I look at my ex, who seems totally fine and happy I remember that he suffered a loss too. And, painful as it is, I am no longer in his life so I don’t know his real experience but it’s never quite what I imagine.
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