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I wish all this agony over this would stop and I could finally let go.

HomeForumsRelationshipsI wish all this agony over this would stop and I could finally let go.

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Viewing 4 posts - 1 through 4 (of 4 total)
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  • #82879
    Anna
    Participant

    Hi all, this one is going to be a long one so I apologise in advance and thank you kindly for your patience!

    Basically, I ended a 2 month relationship with a very handsome and charming 31 year old guy (I am 24) only 2 months ago. He was so wonderful and we found a really special bond very quickly. He was happily single, only dating casually and said that he had never loved someone as much as he loved me and that after being happily single for so long that I was ‘every thing that he wanted’. We became exclusive only 1 week into the relationship (quite quick I know).

    After 2 weeks or so I got a bit wary, because although he had such a loving and nurturing side, on some other days he would become quite a different person. There were times that he could be quite abrasive, in that he would get into these moods where he’d become quite contentious with many thoughts/topics/interests/personal stories/behaviours I would share with him, almost arguing for the sake of arguing. Not only that, I felt he was becoming quite critical of my behaviours, i.e., “can I ask that you don’t dance like you did last night in public?”, “Don’t tell my friends that you don’t like bike riding”, “Can I ask that you don’t wear that dressing gown, it smells”. I really don’t mind being challenged by others and appreciate a good honest bond, but after a while I started to build a bit of a wall as I was feeling quite self conscious around him.

    He also had quite a short fuse in that he would have these concerning temper outbursts over trivial issues like spilling coffee on the floor (no outbursts directed at me however).There were also a number of other disrespectful behaviours which deterred me from him(i.e., gushing about how attractive other women were, being judgemental about others, finding out that he cheated on his ex of 4 years twice (but only a kiss) but his abrasiveness effected me most negatively and made me feel that in such an early stage of a relationship, that this was quite a big warning sign and I felt like I was losing touch of the person I was before I met him, which scared me.

    I was in a healthy, happy relationship for 7 years with my first and only boyfriend before I met this guy and I never encountered any of these problems, everything was pretty cruisy with us, we were best friends with only a few minor hiccups. Because I had such little experience dating I was not sure if I was right to feel so hesitant about this guy.

    Anyway, I tried to talk to him about my concerns, I tried to ask if this is something we could maybe work through and he said that “he didn’t want to change himself”. I tried to argue that it was only these behaviours I wanted to change, not him as a person but he still wouldn’t budge (even though he said throughout the relationship that he wanted to work through our problems as a team). I thought it was best that I break it off as much as I didn’t want to, so that is what I did.

    The following week he would regularly send me some very spiteful messages, i.e that I was hyper-sensitive and overly defensive, that I was in denial of my personal problems in the relationship, that I was narcissistic about my personal problems in the relationship, that my previous ex of 7 years was a “pushover, which is why I am so sensitive” and “because my ex was so spineless, he had to put up with 7 years of bad habits”and “good luck to the next guy, I tried”. I was very patient and asked him to please stop being so unfair and to please take a step back and he was being quite hurtful. I also attempted to comfort him as the break up hit him quite hard and he was becoming very dark and masochistic.

    On one day I got so fed up with all the angry messages and I confronted him via text about the things he had said and I also brought up his negative behaviours during the relationship. He stated that he really didn’t want to talk about it as he was at work and this discussion was bringing him to tears. I took this has him evading responsibility for what had happened (as he did throughout the relationship whenever I did confront any of his behaviours). I had quite a lot to say to him, so I continued. He asked me again to talk about it later. I finished what I had to say via a lengthy paragraph and left it at that.

    I got really upset and started to feel remorse for my decision to break up. I ended up calling him and in that conversation he said that all the people he has spoken to have told him that I am manipulative and I am struggling for power, particularly with me texting him when he was upset at work. He reassured me that I am not ‘intentionally manipulative’. I was hurt by what he said so I cut all contact with him (texting, calling, social media, etc), only to weaken after seeing him in public and to be so stupid to call him and cry about how much I miss him and want to make it work. He told me that me cutting off contact was the cruelest thing I have done so far and that I was strategically removing him from his life as punishment. I asked him if there was any chance we could try to rekindle the relationship and he said that he couldn’t be with me as I am a manipulative person.

    About a month later I called again and he was doing quite well, telling me that he is relieved that all this drama with our relationship is over as it was too much ‘hard work’. I later found out that he has started dating again, which is painful as I do have such severe remorse for breaking up with him and miss him so much.

    All my friends and family are outraged by what he has said about me being manipulative. However I shared my experience with others on reddit and many people told me that he was in a “no win situation” with me, that I am manipulative and that I am just as bad as him.

    I have not been able to eat or sleep properly for weeks agonising over this. I went on an overseas trip which I had planned for months only to still find myself crying every day about what went wrong and obsessing about how I could have screwed something like this up. I guess I just hate to think that I was manipulative without intending to be and that I was too hard on his guy, blowing a good opportunity at love due to having poor character and poor experience with relationships.

    So here is my final question – was I the one at fault here, was I manipulative/did I ask too much of him?

    #82886
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear anna2209:

    Congratulations to this recent ex bf- effective job he did on you, successful! i don’t know how he did it, but good job. He got you were he wanted- on the wrong/ at fault side of things, which means he got himself where he wanted: on the right/ blameless/ victim side of things. And so he can go on living, go on to the next relationship where- if the next gf points out to him (like you did) his … faults- if he is as successfulas he was with you- he will place his faults, again, with her and keep himself a blameless victim of manipulative women.

    This is how he operates, likely. So, he keeps himself blameless leaving on his path the casualties it takes to maintain his blameless-ness. THe causualties are women to take the blame.

    How was he so successful. i am curious, so I will take a break here to re-read parts of your post (again, I am impressed. You seem to me to be intelligent enough. You also had, you write, a healthy relationship in your past, so I am curious what he did to be so successful)…SO, he was wonderful and charming showing a “loveing and nurturing side”- all very quickly, one week. In one week he loves you and you are all he ever wanted, one week plus (all in two months), the speed of light for such declerations to be believable… as i keep reading, I think I am getting it.

    He very quickly put the carrot, so to speak, in front of you: you are everything he wanted and he never loved anyone as much as he loves you. So that is the carrot: the message that you are the greatest. Then the abrasive comments. You are already invested in being the best thing that ever happened to him so these faults about your dress allegedly smelling and you dancing wrong in public, well those are things YOU have to fix so you STAY the best thing that ever happened to him. You have to protect the status he gave you so quickly and easily.

    Then you do have a moment of imperfection, impatient, being pushy with him when he is at work and bingo- his opportunity, the PROOF that indeed you are so very imperfect and lacking of the status he “gave” you so easily and so soon. Why, this is proof that you are manipulative and anything adn everything he can throw your way. And this is hard on you because indeed you were impatient, you were at fault for something.

    And he used your imperfection at that incident at his work to cement your faultiness and now it is All Your Fault and None of his. Case closed.

    Good job on his part, again. I hope you break that cement he made of your human imperfection as expressed during that time at his work. My goodness, I hope you stay away from this man. It is a shame that he will continue his path of destruction as he goes along. Do not make yourself a permanent victim of his doing. Learn from this and prevent this kind of dishonest MANIPULATION of YOU from happening in the future.

    anita

    #82958
    Sergio
    Participant

    I completely understand the turmoil you are living right now….my ex of 10 years continues to contact me and try to get me to let her come back and let her control everything about us….she controlled everything about us for over 7 years ….the last 3 years I started standing up for myself and now after 3 months away from her age tells me that if I would have never stood up for myself then we would still be together….doe her to say that to me is quite unbelievable. ….when she says things like that to me I am left speechless and hurting…I tell her time and time again that I apologize for my mistakes and now I truly hope the best for her and her kids….I will miss you but I really need to be left alone….she then had her 14 year old daughter call me and ask why I did not want to be her stepfather anymore…….that conversation continues to fester in my heart and mind…..I tried to explain without blaming anybody that her mother and I have just grown apart….I love her kids deeply….I was extremely close with the 14 year old daughter….I am not sure how to completely get away from them….I know it sounds horrible….but for the last three months, I have allowed my ex and her daughter to vent all their negative feelings about me and I am just trying to explain why we are not a family anymore over and over again..I do not call or text her at all….I have all these crazy feelings I don’t understand on any level…..DAZED AND CONFUSED….ANY ADVICE PLEASE?

    #83128
    Jodi
    Participant

    It sounds like you found a first rate narcissist. His being overly critical and manipulative and then blaming you and siting his friends opinions that you are the reasons things went downhill are classic signs. He ticks off most of the boxes here. Narcissists do not change because the personality itself doesn’t allow them to even see the need to change. Nothing is ever their fault, so why should they? For your own sanity, move on and find someone who has the capacity to be in a relationship with you. Best of luck!

    ~Jodi

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