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I'm lost. Don't know how to move on.

HomeForumsRelationshipsI'm lost. Don't know how to move on.

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Viewing 8 posts - 1 through 8 (of 8 total)
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  • #107916
    Gracie
    Participant

    I’m single for more than a year now and I still couldn’t move on from my ex bf of 6 months. I couldn’t seem to detach myself from him. I tried dating another guy but I get so scared and withdraw myself. I’m at marrying age now so I wanted my next bf to be my last. I wanted to give myself a chance to be happy again and find someone who will truly love me but all these fears kept coming. I don’t know if I was scared to love and trust again or I was scared of what my life would be if I ended up with another guy.At the back of my head I still want my ex. I still want to spend my life with him. I want a life with him.When I met and dated my ex I never had these fears. I was so attracted and inlove with him nothing else matters. I just wanted to be with him. I felt so safe and secure.Had plans of marrying etc. but we broke up. I want to feel that again with another guy but my problem is I get scared all these worries and anxiety come up and makes me want to come running back to my ex. I tried joining dating sites to meet men but it’s the same thing. I get tired browsing pics. I feel like I’m forcing myself to like them. I don’t feel attraction. I just wanna disappear and disconnect from all the men on this planet. 🙁

    #107919
    Tara
    Participant

    ‘I just wanna disappear and disconnect from all the men on this planet’…. Well maybe you should do just that and take a break from men / dating. It sounds like you need to have time with yourself, and let yourself heal from you last relationship. I am too of marrying age and when I became single 9 months ago I thought eeeek am I going to be ok with this? And I can honestly tell you Im having the time of my life just being me. I feel like Im getting reacquainted with the ‘adult’ me and I love it!
    Do not allow yourself to feel pressure from friends or family about when you should settle down. Have faith in the universe, it will come to you when you are good and ready for it. Im the only single, childless one out of all my friends and young family members and they love hearing about my random weekends, the crazy funny dates I have and my next holiday / travel / journey.
    Being single is a call to focus on yourself, sometimes being in a relationship can make you lazy about developing yourself and following your dreams. Being single prompts you to look deep inside yourself and become the person you really want to be. And believe me what you do not heal in your ‘singleness’ will spread like disease in your ‘togetherness’ when do you do meet someone. Enjoy life, dont take it to seriously, watch all the sex and the city box sets, enjoy time with your friends and family and the new you! You will attract the best partner for you when you are yourself, emotionally independent and happy. Have fun 🙂

    #107932
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Gracie:

    In May 2014, your first thread here, you wrote: “My ex broke up with me 9 months ago. This was my first relationship….During our relationship I would feel anxious and scared that he will leave me for another girl everytime he would not spend his time with me.”

    Over two years later, today in your above post you wrote: “When I met and dated my ex I never had these fears. I was so attracted and inlove with him nothing else matters. I just wanted to be with him. I felt so safe and secure.”

    I don’t know if you referred today to the same guy, your first relationship. But notice, in hindsight you remember the moments you felt safe and secure with a past boyfriend but you forget all the long, painful moments, days, nights, weeks of insecurity, anxiety.

    This is a distorted view of the reality of the past and it will block your moving forward. Better see the reality of the past and present as it was, as it is.

    The fear in you was there since you were a child. We touched on that in previous threads. I didn’t re-read our previous communication, but you can if you’d like. And if you do, you can tell me where we left it off. Insight into the origin of your anxiety, the lack of safety in your childhood, needs to be addressed further.

    Back to your May 2014 first thread, you wrote about your first boyfriend: “My fear became a reality so I lost him. Now that I lost him I should feel at ease and worry free. But why am I still haunted with fear and anxiety of losing him when i already lost him.” My answer is: you were still haunted by fear two years ago, still haunted by fear presently because the fear of the child that you were needs to be addressed and processed; healing needs to be done.

    anita

    #107976
    Gracie
    Participant

    Hey anita.. I was referring to my 2nd bf on this post. I met him on 2015 but only dated for 6 months. I went on a vacation that time to move on from my first bf,there I met him. I felt attraction right away with this guy and so I was able to move on from my first. I wasn’t so jealous and possessive like I was with my first bf cause I learned alot from my first relationship but from time to time I get scared but I was happy with him.My problem is now after we broke up. I get scared dating another guy. How do I addressed and processed that fear when I was a child? 🙁

    #107977
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Gracie:

    Regarding your question: how do I address and process the fear when you were a child?

    My answer: In psychotherapy with a competent, caring therapist. Fear is a powerful emotion. Anxiety is this ongoing fear that keeps circulating in the brain. Sometimes you get a break from it: when you sleep, daydream, get busy with a task… listen to music, etc. But too often you feel it, again and again and it creates problems in relationships and work and every part of life.

    In therapy, with a competent therapist, one who will be gentle with you, one with whom you will feel safe; one you will trust. And there are therapists who advertise as specializing in anxiety.

    anita

    #107994
    Gracie
    Participant

    I can’t afford a therapist anita. I can only do meditation and do some research on my own. I don’t know why I’m always haunted with my fears from the past. I’m anxious everytime I enter a relationship and still anxious after being in a relationship. I always feel these adrenaline rush in my stomach everytime I see something or think about something. Like if I browse on my newsfeed on facebook and see my ex commented on something I feel an adrenaline rush or if I see his fb acc.I don’t know if I was excited or scared. I always feel that way in all my exes. I don’t stay much on Facebook anymore because everytime I see them or see someone that looked like them or someone who looked like their current gfs. I feel anxious.Im tired of feeling this way. I wanna feel good and happy.

    #107995
    XenopusTex
    Participant

    I am, by no means, an expert. However, it seems that you associate time apart with your bf with him possibly spending time with someone else. As someone who is fiercely loyal, I would be insulted by the inquisition that would likely occur after such events. Can’t imagine that I would be the only one who wouldn’t appreciate the insinuation. Of course, the question is… why the jealous possessiveness?

    The truth is, nobody will be able to spend all of their time with you.

    #108017
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Gracie:

    It is a good idea to not spend much time on FB, if any, as one way to lower your anxiety. If you can’t afford therapy, maybe there is free or very low payment therapy available for you? Make a few inquiries, calls. Click the “Free Resources” at the top of tiny Buddha- maybe there is something there for you. If there are self help groups that you can attend where you live, that can be another way, free.

    Did we discuss your childhood, those formative years of yours? Relationships with your parents, your first and most powerful attachment figures? If not, and/ or if you’d like to, share with me and I will reply with suggestions for further insight.

    anita

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