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I'm marrying this man (?)

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  • #73588
    Bluesses
    Participant

    My ex boyfriend and I realized after 5 months of separation that the bottom line was that we couldn’t (didn’t want to) live without each other and decided to work out the differences which broke us apart in the first place. We have since involved our families and got engaged. Yeap! There is a wedding in August. My parents are dong wedding shopping in India. Invitations are going out next month. This whole working through the kinks of appearing to be harder than I thought. Here’s a issue… and I do understand that this is only one side of the story and my point of view; there is always another side of the story – two sides a coin. I’m going to try my best to be as objective as I can. We are in a long distance relationship right now – East coast to West coast.

    1. We are both of Indian ethnicity (this is relevant). Where he was born and brought up in North America, I was born and brought up in India and the middle east. My schooling, my undergrad and growing up experience is vastly different from his. I have been living here in North America for 10 odd years, and having met his family, friends whom he grew up with, high school, teachers, university, university friends, work, work friends and all the experiences he and his community of people have shared with me have given me a pretty good idea of his life that led up to this point. He on other hand doesn’t understand my experience or what it was like for me growing up. All my old friends are scattered, he hasn’t met many people from my past except my parents and he hasn’t got much info on what made me, me.

    2. Here are the kinks which we have largely identified that drove us apart and absolutely get under each other’s skin.
    I find him EXTREMELY condescending and patronizing. I work at a leading global tech company and I have worked hard to get here – this piece of information is just to describe that I have the book smarts. I dabble in art, photography, yoga, cooking and in general my parents think I’m the catch. I have no such illusions. everyone has their own flaws. I am very calm, collected and patient in most situations but also sensitive and lack self-confidence about certain things. I am quick to admit my mistake if I truly think I was at fault.
    My fiance doesn’t like working even though he is a Project Manager at a healthcare firm. He wants to start his own business because he doesn’t respond well to authority. He hates having a boss. Lately, I find him to be very condescending, patronizing and almost disrespectful in certain ways. He has a very short temper and he doesn’t apologize easily. His delivery is VERY VERY abrasive, laced with swear words (not directed at me, but the situation or for no reason as all), he is harsh, cutting and demoralizing. Getting praise from him his difficult and when I tell him about these things, he says – it’s best to keep expectations to a minimum. Sometimes I think he’s TOO practical. When we had first met, he couldn’t get enough of me. The chase was probably a thrill back then. Now there are days when he only calls or texts me when its wedding related (he’s planning the wedding and I’m fine with that) or some kind of errand or chore related. When we have fights, he blames me for being defensive and keeping score. I agree to a certain extent on the first count, but definitely not the second. I don’t like the fact that he thinks my arguments are childish, adolescent or petty. He thinks our fights are ego clashes but I disagree. It’s ok to have an ego – ego is the sense of self. Its having an inflated sense of ego which is a problem. He gets in my business and tells me how to handle my affairs – be it my relationship with my family, my friends, my exes, how to drive my car, how to weasle out an ultra sound from my doctor, how to work out, what to write in a wedding invitation… it’s driving me nuts. I hate micro management. He states the obvious which irritates me, and when I point all these things out I’m told to stop making stupid assumptions and take things less sensitively.

    On the flip side I don’t think he takes my advice easily. I try to bring up situations where he has done similar things to what I’m being “told” for and compare the unfairness of our treatment and he calls that keeping score.
    I feel like it comes down to trust. He doesn’t trust me enough yet to let down his guard still and the long distance isn’t helping. I’m really getting tired of this.

    #73596
    Kelli
    Participant

    What do you like about this man?

    #73597
    Andy
    Participant

    Hi Bluesses

    Thank you for sharing your story, it hit home for me in so many ways. I hope you don’t mind but I will share my story with you, I’ll keep it short.

    Just over a year ago I split up with my partner of 5 years. We had a long distance relationship and only saw each other at weekends and during holidays. While we both accepted that as the situation we talked about the future and eventually moving in with each other. The real problem though was that there were many things wrong in our relationship. There were things about her that I didn’t like, I’m sure that were things that she didn’t like about me too. As you say, there are two sides to every story. She was quite brash, very matter of fact. Maybe practical as you have described your boyfriend. For a lot of the time it felt like there was a wall between us that was difficult to break down and she wasn’t very generous with her feelings. This is the complete opposite to how I am as a person. We didn’t really communicate our feelings to each other unless things were going wrong. So we effectively grew apart. I should point out that we also had some amazing times together and there were also a lot of things I liked about her, it wasn’t all bad.

    A few months after breaking up we got back together because we both missed each other terribly. That was March 2014. We vowed to communicate our feelings more. Up until a month before Christmas things we were going really well but then we slipped back into the way we were before. The wall was still there and it was difficult for me to penetrate. I started having negative feelings about the relationship again and I suspect she did too. But again, we never communicated how we felt to each other. For the most part, I didn’t feel comfortable about telling her how I felt as she did get quite defensive and I just felt like I was walking on egg shells most of the time.

    At the beginning of this year we split up again and on reflection it was inevitable. Neither of us really wanted to break up but both felt that it was probably the best thing for both of us. During that last month before Christmas I actually felt quite unhappy being in the relationship. Despite all this, I still miss her but I do know deep down that it is the right decision for us.

    I am not going to tell you not marry your boyfriend, that is your decision. My question though is, if you do marry him what do you think will change? If you’re tired of it now how will you feel once you have made the commitment of marriage?

    If there is something fundamentally wrong with a relationship, like there was in mine, then it’s unlikely to last in my opinion. If it does last, you could end up being unhappy and unfulfilled by it and life is too short for that.

    I hope that helps and I’m sure others will come along with more advice.

    Good luck

    Andy

    • This reply was modified 9 years ago by Andy.
    #73628
    Will
    Participant

    When you agreed to work out your differences and get back together, what was it he agreed to, exactly? I take it these issues you list (and they’re pretty serious) were the same issues that drove you apart, so what kind of indication did he give that things would be different? And how is he living up to his side of the bargain in “working things out”?

    Imagine things won’t change, at least not dastically. Is this, what you are expriencing now, the kind of marriage you want?

    #73631
    Maggie Black
    Participant

    You hate to be micromanaged and he is a control freak. This is going to be a long hard road.
    I like Kelly’s question.

    #73633
    Steve Gibson
    Participant

    People who are opposites can work in relationships(work being an opperative word). The attraction for opposites is that they usually see strengths is each other that they lack themselves. If you are both going to work at sustaining your relationship then understand what drew you to each other will be important (Like Kelli said ‘What do you love about this man?’).

    Looking at what you have written you fiancee is a Dominant personality, where you are a Steady/Stable personality – these types are opposites and relationships like this can be difficult if you dont remind each other of what brought you together in the first place on a regular basis. This needs to come from both of you though, if you regularly remind your fiancee of what drew you to him in the first place but he doesn’t reciprocate then you will just feel miserable.

    Do a bit of research on DISC personality types which will help you understand him better and will help you understand how your personality and his tend to interact – it would also benefit you both if he did the same in order to understand you better.

    Good luck, you are obviously looking for the right answers rather than going into this blind so whatever happens I’m sure will be for the best

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