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This topic contains 168 replies, has 12 voices, and was last updated by Profile photo of Driftwood Driftwood 1 hour, 15 minutes ago.

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  • #122763
    Profile photo of Driftwood
    Driftwood
    Participant

    Hi Sammi,
    I was busy with work for a couple of days and just tuned in again. I wrote the note below before reading the above- well written! Circling back to past events..

    I want you to know that nothing that happened with Anita just now is your fault, just in case it feels that way. I could tell in your video that this situation is painful for you, understandably so since as you said, you look up to Anita and had been keeping a diary of sorts of the things she said. Sometimes things just happen and its hard to (or we may never) know why. A series of unfortunate events or whatever, but so be it. We are all complex beings trying our best.

    I know this is all deeply personal for you, and as such it could have felt like an attack on your identity – even though you know that could never be her intention. That said, I will say that again you handled yourself well, explained and advocated for yourself diplomatically through a stressful situation.

    I sense things evolving for you since when we first started communicating, and again I see your core of inner strength coming through. Despite your home situation, having a hard time getting up and out and all the rest, do you sense things evolving a bit since you first began the thread?

    Will respond more to your last post soon.

    -Mitchell

    • This reply was modified 2 months, 1 week ago by Profile photo of Driftwood Driftwood.
    #122828
    Profile photo of Sammi
    Sammi
    Participant

    @Driftwood: As they say, work happens. Or y’know, something along those lines.

    I’ve come to terms with that whole situation. It’s done and over with. But I do feel a little guilty for carelessly posting outside links. I just considered the fact that I’ve used that website many times before with no viruses/scams, so it would’ve prolly been fine. Then again, not everyone uses Avast. I dunno.

    Yeah, I do sense change. Little change, but it’s still there.

    Just walked the dogs again. One of the most infuriating dog walks ever. Mother decided to avoid driving, so we walked them around the icy parking lot. I got stuck with our rowdy, massive bulldog/pitbull puppy, who likes to tug, and not listen to me ever. My mother offered to switch dogs, but I didn’t want to give up, or make her day any more stressful. (I already added to her list by asking she schedule a doctor’s appointment, as I managed to get something lodged in my ear.)

    After lots of yelling, screeching and tugging later, we got home. My hands were burning from firmly gripping her rope leash, and my face was burning from having to put up with her. (The dog is a girl, I’m not referring to tugging my mother around on a leash.) He greets the dogs cheerfully, with not a care in the world. This made me realize something.

    I’m better than him at something. This may not seem like anything new to anyone else, as you always see how I hold myself, compared to him. But for the longest time, I felt like I was good at nothing, and good for nothing. This is still a very familiar feeling. Let me explain further. If it was him being tugged around by the puppy, he would’ve lost it. He would’ve either scream at her until she listened, or threw the leash and stormed back to the house. I do the dirty work that he can’t handle.

    #122927
    Profile photo of Driftwood
    Driftwood
    Participant

    Hi Sammi-

    Sorry the dog was a douche-fluff as my daughter likes to say on these kinds of bad walks and on sudden bouts of psychosis when seeing the mailman. I often wonder how such and original dog can let himself be so cliché, when it comes to the mailman and react like every other dog when he’s like a sweet miracle therapy dog with everyone else.

    I think you’ll continue to find that you are better at a lot of things than he is (not talking about the dog anymore, but that too). Basically I’m sensing a big baby who I’m supposing has some addiction issues which contribute to his regular wah-wah-wah outbursts when things aren’t going exactly is way. ???

    Yeah, change happens. You already have him more in perspective and at arm’s length- and that’s a start. Now add the tiniest bit of discipline to the direction you’re going in and don’t allow him to get to you. Use a breathing technique that circulates the energy in and OUT when he gets up your grill or whatever you have to do. Don’t absorb any of his crap. And sense your own power more and more – in this case it came through after working with the dog… Dogs are good for activating our natural abilities.

    I think you have a lot of ‘power bases’ creatively – i.e. in your writing and insights. You seem unshakable in certain ways. Now try valuing and prioritizing them more. This is important. Not saying it’s easy. Like any discipline it takes time.

    Also, try this and see how it works: After doing something you’re good at/ something that makes your feel secure/powerful like your writing, maintain that feeling for yourself and walk through the house when he’s there, feeling unshaken. It doesn’t have to be a ‘statement’ or anything perceived but rather just see if/how long you can maintain that feeling. Let me know how this goes.

    There are two people who help me see this kind of stuff for myself. One is a crazy designer I know who lives in Paris, another is a woman I worked with on a project in Berlin and we stayed friends. Both of them appreciate my particular brand of creativity and often give me more credit than I give myself and push me in certain directions. (It’s also not so easy for a freelancer to get out of bed in the morning, especially when there’s a work shortage.)

    So the trick is to try and find or create the thing that motivates you to get out of bed in the morning. I realize this is not always easy especially since being 16 certain things are out of your control situationally, but try building on that. This is important to start now in preparation for your great escape, since this kind of thing can linger after you’re out of ‘the situation’. Even if it’s not THE thing you want to be doing, give yourself some kind of assignment from time to time.

    I.e., I’m busy editing footage of a rock band that I shot for a friend of mine. Even though it’s not ‘work’ work it gives me a chance to build my editing skills and produce something. You said you have a Canon camera? Take pictures in the snow? I always find the snow changes my view of a place.The suburban landscape under the snow – depressing? Some places in Portland have a kind of older, dated, almost 50’s or 70’s feel that I find interesting in a retro-america kind of way.

    Charter school will be a very good thing for this. And I’m sensing from you that what once seemed a big challenge is more and more needed for your personal evolution.

    If you are in the Portland area, do you know Powell’s Books, the greatest bookstore in the world in my opinion?

    Also, that website also tried to do some malware crap to my computer. I have a mac and I immediately shut down and restarted and was able to access the video no problem the second time.

    Ok, out to shovel snow. NY got blasted last night.

    -Mitchell

    #122984
    Profile photo of Sammi
    Sammi
    Participant

    @Driftwood: Howdy. I hope your snow shoveling wasn’t too exhausting.

    Ah, mailmen. My dogs don’t like them, either. Maybe they’re all up to something that us non-mailmen humans don’t know about? Who knows.

    As for you “big baby” comment, that sounds pretty correct. I don’t know if “addiction” is really something relevant here, unless we’re talking about his frequent protein shakes, and testosterone shots. That was a bit mean, but it’s true.

    When I read your challenge/suggestion to do something that essentially makes me confident, and then leave my room when he’s around, I got the mental image of younger me standing there, and quietly shaking my head. Forgive me, as I know that it can only be a step forward, but I don’t think I want to endure that, just yet. It is doable, but in a chore way. Don’t think I would look very natural at it, and then it’d become their entire conversation for the night. When I close my room door behind me, it’s kind of like I’m leaving all of my confidence there.

    To get myself out of bed tomorrow, I’m planning on livestreaming my makeup process, before counseling. (Instagram has a livestream feature, now.) I have a pretty small following, for someone online (350 people, about), so it’ll be a shock if I get more than 2 people watching. Hopefully that goes well.

    The snow isn’t as pretty as it was a few days ago, which sucks. I really wanted to take a few photos, but the area around here isn’t all that inspiring. I have a hard time finding nice sights, within walking distance. I wish I had friends over a few days ago, but the drive would’ve taken forever. I’m kicking myself, because it was all such a missed opportunity. Maybe more snow will come, maybe not. There’s always next year.

    I’ve heard of Powell’s Books, but I’ve never really had the chance to have a wholesome trip to one of their stores. I was passing through once, (wasting time with a friend) a few years ago, and got a few uninviting stares from the college kids that seemed to be everywhere. Felt a little lost. I remember their variety of books being insane, though. Believe it or not, I don’t actually read a lot of books, but I do like being in bookstores. Preferably, the manga or comic section of Barnes and Noble.

    Oh – sorry to hear about the video sending website. I’ll dig around for an alternative, for future video sending needs. Possibly just uploading things to youtube as unlisted.

    Had my friend over, for a few days. She managed to motivate me to get out of the bed relatively early, and then we headed out to the mall. The sidewalks are completely covered in ice, and she decided to wear high heels. Having a laugh at her wobbly, newborn deer walk felt nice.

    We got there. Everything felt routine, of checking the few same shops and nagging about the same few things. But we got to Spencer’s, and the routine broke a little. Someone tapped me on the shoulder, which nearly gave me a heart attack, and complimented me on my hair. I quietly accepted it, and then wheezed at my friend, because neither of us are used to social interaction. Also, the mall is at a constant state of being completely packed, so her and I ended up panicking in the middle of Spencer’s. The guy that complimented me earlier sees us two huddled together and comes over to make conversation with us. He’s our age, apparently. At first, I thought he was an employee there.

    Anyways, he ends up being a cool guy, and we exchange contact info. This is a big deal for me, because now I have a new friend. I’ve made a new friend. (I should clarify that I’m not naive, I made sure to make it very apparent to him that both my friend and I are in relationships, and he understood.)

    #123485
    Profile photo of Driftwood
    Driftwood
    Participant

    Hey Sammi—

    These are some of the subjects that have been banging around in my head since I’ve had a chance to sit down and write.

    I’ve heard a theory that dogs think that their ferocious barking is what makes the mailman leave so quickly so they have successfully protected the household. I think it’s partially that and also the fact that they are natural born hooligans looking for a little action to break up the monotony of doggy life.

    As I recall, Powell’s manga section kicks Barnes and Nobles’ ass. What I love about Powell’s books is that it’s a great place to wander through the different ‘sections’ of your life and think things/gather inspiration. I have close family friends in Portland and went there during a serious down point in my life and found it inspiring and, at that point therapeutic – sections on writing, film, art, meditation, self help, getting over failed relationships and all that.. Good place to take a break from everyday life and free your mind even if it’s just to wander/browse and not ‘read’ per se.

    The reason I asked about the ‘addiction’ thing is that the outbursts are so unrelated/out of proportion to what’s actually going on and seem like more a response to internal body-chemistry issues, which can be alcohol, drugs, etc.. One of the known side effects of testosterone shots, being a hormone, can be an increase in aggressive behavior. That and too much protein combined with weightlifting perhaps… can make you mean… Is he into body building?

    My challenge/suggestion is about how your inner strength can extend into the rest of your life, and in this case the added undeserved hurdle (we all have hurdles btw) being you-know-who. I’m just sayin’ because you do have a lot of inner ‘lion’ in terms of your writing and insights and also just ‘strength’ that I have sensed coming from you . And like I said this is a year of big changes and evolution for you. The shyness or awkwardness you describe sometimes going to the mall etc.. is totally normal. Let’s remember you’re 16. Some other things are due to the abusive crap you’ve had to endure. But I can already sense things evolving in you. Cool that you made a new friend. Hope your livestream makeup session went well.

    Merry Christmas. I hope it’s a good one. I know it can be in the same category as Thanksgiving in terms of family dynamics.. Let me know how that goes.. You do have a great ability to navigate life things.

    -Mitchell

    #123503
    Profile photo of Sammi
    Sammi
    Participant

    @Driftwood: Hey. Merry Christmas to you, too. Hope all goes well, and you get to spend time with your daughter.

    For christmas this year, mother and I are essentially doing early back-to-school shopping, sooner or later. I only have two pairs of non-pajama pants that fit, and two pairs of shoes I can survive a day in, but one is starting to kick the can. But I think as far as the day itself goes, I don’t think much will go on here. It’s kind of a bummer, because nothing else brings me back to actual childhood more than waking up to an array of presents. But last year, my mom’s idea of good presents were a rickety makeup holder, and a scale. So it’s better this way, since she doesn’t know me well enough to gift me anything I’d actually want.

    There’s a cosplay convention going on through new years weekend, in downtown. Maybe I’ll stop by the bookstore, if we’re close enough. Or if my two energetic, impatient friends will let me. Long story, but the con is relocating this year, across the river, so now the area we usually hang out at during the con is too far away. The new hotel location is at the waterfront, but no one wants to run around a river in 30 degrees, or pace back and forth a tiny hotel for a few hours.

    I wouldn’t say he’s heavy into body building, buuuut, he leaves for the gym at 5am every morning, with a protein shake. With the short glances I get of him, I don’t see any improvement over the past 3 years. Also, this is probably irrelevant, but on Wednesday, I get to pester my doctor about testing for having too much testosterone, as 99% of the symptoms listed online align up. I just found it funny how that works.

    The livestream went well, a few of my friends sat around and chatted with me, until my wifi dropped. And it was an ego booster too, which is always nice.

    I really hope this new year does show some sort of change. Excuse my language, but 2016 was quite the kick to my tush.

    I accidentally said “yes” at the wrong time, and now I’m being dragged to a candlelight church service in 3 hours. Please wish me luck. I don’t think I’ll survive.. -dramatic back of hand to forehead-

    So, this was my first week of break. I’ve gotten something artsy done nearly every day this week, but I also have 30+ assignments to catch up on. I. Can’t. Win.

    Warning; minor surrealistic gore. If you can’t handle bubblegum pink blood, and gobstopper insides, don’t click.

    http://orig11.deviantart.net/91b9/f/2016/355/b/7/why_bother__by_capturingthebeauty-dasez0u.jpg (This one was done on a 2×2″ canvas that my friend bought me for Christmas, along with two giant ones. I used watered-down blue, yellow and pink florescent pink. Took me ’bout 3 hours. I genuinely love the challenge of working on small canvases like this, but no one views the outcome as impressive as something larger.)

    http://orig12.deviantart.net/95e4/f/2016/356/b/9/smoking_kills_by_capturingthebeauty-dasj8mm.png (I was putting on some of my favorite music, and getting pumped to get some schoolwork out of the way. Suddenly, he comes home, screaming. What do I do, instead of schoolwork? Trace a stock photo on my phone, and make it my own. Took me 2 hours.

    For reference, I don’t smoke, and I don’t have interest in smoking. Cigarettes are just kind of the trademark of one of my favorite singers, whom I was listening to at the time, so that’s what I was inspired by.)

    https://s27.postimg.org/awihglxxd/received_1350623558312642.jpg (This was a request from my friend, if you can’t tell, because it’s not something I’d normally draw. He wanted cover art for a song he wrote. Something about lightening and women. Also took 3 hours.)

    http://orig10.deviantart.net/2814/f/2016/359/b/e/deliciously_delirious_by_capturingthebeauty-dastfca.png (This is another thing I drew on my phone. It’s a trace of one of my old photos. Took me about an hour. Deciding to start a drawing at 4am is a bad idea.)

    Ooo, outside links.. click at your own risk.

    I also got another painting to near completion, but I don’t feel like taking the time to complete it. And I started another one, but I can’t get the style I want correctly. Raaah. I have so many canvases, so little ideas, and even littler motivation. And massive amounts of schoolwork hanging over my head.

    #123504
    Profile photo of Sammi
    Sammi
    Participant

    Oh, forgot to mention another side note. I finally got mom to send out my painting to my s.o., and he just got it, a few days ago. On the packaging, she apparently wrote “Thank you for all of your kindness to [Sammi]. I appreciate you more than I can express. Love, [Sammi’s mum]”.

    I just found that odd and heartwarming, figured I would share. I think she knows about him and I, but doesn’t think I know that she knows. Or maybe she does, and we’re all just dancing around thin ice. Either way, she’s cool with it, apparently.

    #124000
    Profile photo of Driftwood
    Driftwood
    Participant

    Hi Sammi-

    Hope Christmas turned out okay and that you survived your candlelight mass. I’ve been sort of busy with a few projects of my own – shooting/editing my own small things and also working on some scripts I started several years ago before life got complicated.

    Were there any gifts other than the back-to-school?

    Definitely try and hit Powell’s on your way to the cos con thing – do a quick walk through even if your friends don’t want to be there. It’s a good place to escape to- you might just become a regular.

    Wondering what symptoms you mean in terms of the testosterone level thing – you mean depression? Feelings of aggression? A combination? Interested to know since I think these things are a lot more responsible for mood swings than we give them credit for. Someone who was close to me suffers from something like that though not sure what and she’s not actively exploring the reasons why…

    Good that you’ve been busy with your artwork as well. Interesting stuff. Surreal severed head – representative of an inner state, sense of being or is that reading too much into it? You don’t have to explain…

    I find the record album interesting for another reason. As you describe it, it’s not something that would normally be your style. Do you remember when I wrote way, way back about how doing graphics for other people (or clients) gets you to use your skills for things you wouldn’t normally produce? That’s what I’m talking about. It can make you rearrange your normal skill set or way of doing things just enough to do things you wouldn’t have thought of (and are less invested personally in). Then you sometimes find yourself bringing some aspect of it back to your own work. Do you work in Photoshop?

    Not quite clear on your mom’s writing on the package. Does she know your s.o. or anything that would have made her write that? Heartwarming it is. I do have the feeling of someone who cares deeply for you but maybe has a hard time reaching out to you? Do you reject her because you feel misunderstood? Things do sound generally okayish between the two of you. True?

    Sounds like you are in motion doing things where you can and that you’re having a creative moment – that’s a good thing.

    Let me know how you’re doing – mood, outlook, and the ‘situation’ which seems more under control(?).

    -Mitchell

    #124044
    Profile photo of Sammi
    Sammi
    Participant

    @Driftwood: I made it out of Christmas and the candlelight service alive.

    The candlelight service wasn’t awful. Though, I had quite a few uncomfortable handshakes. One of their hands felt like grabbing onto one of those oddly wet putty slime toy things. Another wouldn’t let go of my hand for at least an entire minute. And my mother thought it was a good idea to sit at the balcony section of the church, which meant carefully making sure not to drop my lit candle onto the unknowing crowd below. But I survived nonetheless. And on Christmas, I didn’t leave bed. Not complaining.

    Not many presents, besides the overdue shopping trip that’s continuously being put off. My online friend and I do a thing each year where we buy eachother a few things, so I’m currently waiting on the things she bought me, along with the presents I ordered for my local friends.

    I’ll try to make my way to Powell’s tomorrow. No promises there. I have a pretty awful sense of direction, and downtown is kind of a rat maze.

    The majority of the listed symptoms of having too much testosterone are physical, but there’s also an increased risk of depression, anxiety and mood swings. I had a surprise blood drawing at my checkup yesterday, along with other uncomfortable tests. Going in for the results next week, or so.

    Severance has become a staple in a lot of my work. I’m not sure why, but it’s just become something I find fun to draw. I’ve never looked too deep into it meaning-wise, but I’d imagine it’d have something to do with the disconnect between body and mind. When the head goes, the body does too. You never see a physically healthy person who’s mentally ill. Maybe it comes from my concern that mental health isn’t treated as seriously as physical health.

    Also, I use Paint Tool Sai to draw, mostly. I have CS6 downloaded too, but I mainly use it for adjustments to the Canon photos. I’m always told to try drawing in Photoshop, but it just doesn’t feel as user-friendly to me. I understand that it does have an amazing amount of features, but I can’t help but cling onto the simplicity of Sai, even if it shows through my artwork. Maybe I’m just not willing to give up the 3 years it took to master navigating sai.

    My mother considers my s.o. as a family friend. She’s busted into my room a few times while him and I were on skype, so they’ve talked a few times before. She actually asks me about him daily, just because she knows he’s one of the few people I talk to daily.

    Misunderstood is a relevant word. As much of a generic teenager problem as it is, I just feel like I can’t tell her anything, because she won’t understand. I feel foreign, compared to her. She’s very caring, but also very clueless, if you will. Maybe clueless isn’t the right word, I’m a bit sleepy, and also lacking 3 vials of blood.

    Speaking of which, my mother was in the waiting room, while my friend and I were at the appointment. I come back out afterwards, after just regaining full consciousness (I didn’t fully pass out, but I came close enough to where my vision and hearing were gone for a few minutes). What do I see? My mother, flirting with another guy. He looked like he just flew up from California, after a douchey model shoot.

    I’m standing there, leaning on my friend, waiting for the two to exchange Facebooks, so we could schedule the next appointment and leave. I felt a strange mix of frustration and embarrassment. I was irritated with my mother for obvious reasons, but also embarrassed that my friend had to endure waiting for my mother to stop letting herself get harassed by this guy.

    Though, I suppose he did compliment my hair, so he obviously couldn’t be that bad. “Only doing that to be on both my mother and I’s good side”? Whaat? Of course not. Definitely not another overly confident, abusive twat that only shows his true colors after signing a lease with him.

    Everything’s been kind of slow, recently. I had my friend over from Monday to Thursday. I feel a bit guilty, because some of my traits acquired from the situation are rubbing off on her. She doesn’t want to leave my room when he’s there, and she asks me if she’s allowed to eat things from the kitchen, before she does.

    Anyways, this is my one day of being antisocial before this weekend. But it’s also my s.o.’s birthday, so I’m on skype with him, mostly replying with grunts and falling asleep here and there. Joyous. Hopefully your day is going better than mine.

    #124713
    Profile photo of Driftwood
    Driftwood
    Participant

    Well Howdy-

    Sorry it’s been a bit. I’ve been navigating New Year’s and also trying to line up work. I do have many ideas regarding the coming year, but have’t had time to put them together.

    Addressing a few things where we left off:

    Wondering how your New Year’s/the cos-con thing went. All good for New Year’s? Ready for some changes? I’m trying my best to get at least a few things on my terms despite what the universe seems to have in store for me (like as soon as I book on a job I get a jury duty notice around the same dates). Although you feel somewhat world-weary at the ripe old age of 16, now is the time to work on some changes, or at least to LEARN to work on some changes – since the work you do on yourself now (before you’re ‘great escape’ at 18) will serve you well. More on that in another post.

    As for the photoshop question, I was asking since I know you’re pretty computer literate and the whole cc suite is really useful both personally and (eventually) professionally. I do appreciate what you say about the directness of sai since it stays out of your way in terms of creativity. It takes a while to get what they call in the industry ‘transparency’ with a program, meaning it’s as natural to you as picking up a pencil and you’re not grappling with the technical learning curve. As for the creative cloud and your ‘severance’ theme, do you have access to netflix? The opening to the Borgia’s has an incredible title sequence done in after effects that to me represents both mastery of the technical side while also not letting the technical side get in the way of the ‘creative’ side. Especially in this case since they’re dealing with renaissance artwork. I mention this because there’s a picture of a painting of St. Jerome, which is a common renaissance theme ..you’ll see if if you watch. Great job incorporating renaissance works into a new form. Actually just found the title sequence on youtube–

    All that said, I’m still thinking you should place great stock in your writing and also building your art skills. Like I said, the the song cover design brought you to a slightly different place since it was a request and not completely generated in your head, and was actually really good. And in its own small way is something to build on. Take your skills seriously. More to say about this stuff in another post…

    Fully understand the embarrassment of the doc’s office flirtation. This was kind of ‘your time’ and then here’s this other thing going on in the wings. And a friend there. Meh Not the best, but at least your mother has her ‘eyes open’ as they say in terms of other possibilities (though you weren’t exactly impressed with the douchey model type). So maybe that’s a good thing, or at least on the way to a good thing for her? Or maybe it’s completely meaningless.

    More soon…

    #124714
    Profile photo of Driftwood
    Driftwood
    Participant

    Well Howdy-

    Sorry it’s been a bit. I’ve been navigating New Year’s and also trying to line up work. I do have many ideas regarding the coming year, but have’t had time to put them together.

    Addressing a few things where we left off:

    Wondering how your New Year’s/the cos-con thing went. All good for New Year’s? Ready for some changes? I’m trying my best to get at least a few things on my terms despite what the universe seems to have in store for me (like as soon as I book on a job I get a jury duty notice around the same dates). Although you feel somewhat world-weary at the ripe old age of 16, now is the time to work on some changes, or at least to LEARN to work on some changes – since the work you do on yourself now (before you’re ‘great escape’ at 18) will serve you well. More on that in another post.

    As for the photoshop question, I was asking since I know you’re pretty computer literate and the whole cc suite is really useful both personally and (eventually) professionally. I do appreciate what you say about the directness of sai since it stays out of your way in terms of creativity. It takes a while to get what they call in the industry ‘transparency’ with a program, meaning it’s as natural to you as picking up a pencil and you’re not grappling with the technical learning curve. As for the creative cloud and your ‘severance’ theme, do you have access to netflix? The opening to the Borgia’s has an incredible title sequence done in after effects that to me represents both mastery of the technical side while also not letting the technical side get in the way of the ‘creative’ side. Especially in this case since they’re dealing with renaissance artwork. I mention this because there’s a picture of a painting of St. Jerome, which is a common renaissance theme ..you’ll see if if you watch. Great job incorporating renaissance works into a new form. Actually just found the title sequence on youtube–

    All that said, I’m still thinking you should place great stock in your writing and also building your art skills. Like I said, the the song cover design brought you to a slightly different place since it was a request and not completely generated in your head, and was actually really good. And in its own small way is something to build on. Take your skills seriously. More to say about this stuff in another post…

    Fully understand the embarrassment of the doc’s office flirtation. This was kind of ‘your time’ and then here’s this other thing going on in the wings. And a friend there. Meh Not the best, but at least your mother has her ‘eyes open’ as they say in terms of other possibilities (though you weren’t exactly impressed with the douchey model type). So maybe that’s a good thing, or at least on the way to a good thing for her? Or maybe it’s completely meaningless.

    More soon…

    #124727
    Profile photo of Sammi
    Sammi
    Participant

    @Driftwood: Howdy. I feel like this is gonna be a long post, so beware.

    Yeah, it’s a bumpy start to 2017 for me, too. I’m sure we both remember the art high I was on during the entirety of winter break, which means that I didn’t do any catching up, and now I’m failing 6/7 of my classes, with little to no hope of passing any of them now.

    As for the con – I made the wrong choice. Only one of my three friends I invited could make it, to start off. It was supposed to be a “end of winter break/end of the year” hangout/celebration thing. But where I messed up was with the location. As I mentioned before, I already knew they changed the con hotel location, but I decided to go to the mall nearby anyways. I don’t know if you’ve ever been to a con hotel, but there’s nothing to do, besides pay gargantuan amounts of money for admission and overpriced merchandise. And attend the deathly boring panels, which are usually hosted by very awkward introverts, who can’t do anything but mumble and click the “next” button on a powerpoint.

    So we get to the mall. In onesies. We are the only ones dressed up. I’ve made a terrible, terrible mistake. My friend has never been to a con before, and she’s now upset with me for lying to her. We Google the new con hotel location, and it’s nearly 3 miles away, which is nearly an hour long walk. We tried to find the bus stop that’d take us there, but neither of us have the best sense of direction, so we decide to stay at Lloyd (the mall). I would’ve called mom to come back and drive us across the bridge (where the con hotel is), but she was on her way to go grocery shopping, and she brought her boyfriend with her. (And yes, that made a super awkward car ride from my friend’s house, to the mall. This particular friend knows I don’t like him, but doesn’t really understand. So she was yapping during the entire time, in which I only replied with silent nods, and pretended like I didn’t want to curl up and die.) And that being said, I didn’t get to go to Powell’s. I will, though.

    My friend and I had a decent time. I made a other shallow promise of claiming there was a hot topic there, when it, in fact, has closed down within the past year. But we got some shopping done. She bought a tokidoki book bag, and I bought a little tokidoki unicorn notebook, to fill with advice and short quotes by the end of this year. And she stayed over for new years, which we spent standing outside my apartment, looking for fireworks, in the worst spots. She started shouting happy new years at everyone, and told me to lighten up. Then we went out and got sparkling cider. I spent that night sick and trembling, because my mom didn’t get me the sleep aid until 12pm. But all-in-all, I had a good time. And she got me fuzzy pajama pants. I really like fuzzy pajama pants. (I’m in a bit of a pickle, because her grandmother bought me a seemingly expensive jacket, but it’s really not my style, and cleaning out my closet is something I’ve been focusing on.. but my grandma didn’t even get me anything..)

    I don’t currently have access to Netflix, but I have a few friends I could always pester for their login, or the online movie and tv streaming websites. That opening you linked is really well done. Their use of the drippy textures works in really nice, I think. It gives it a “dark” feel.

    Speaking of art, I’ve found another opportunity. I’m not sure if I’ll be able to land it, but I think it’s worth a shot. There’s a new and upcoming monthly surprise box called Stickerbento, and they send out 8 large stickers a month, all by different underground artists. And you can submit art, for free. The only problems I’m having is that the style that a lot of the stickers they have chose previously are very cartoony, and it’s a hard style for me to pull off. I love creating as much depth as possible, and I hate doing lineart, so this is going to be a challenge. But I’ve started on a design already, and I think it’s going swell. I might’ve spent 2 hours coloring the skin how I usually would, and deleted that layer after I finished, to restart on a more simplistic style. And I started drawing my ginger character, only to realize that the company chooses a lot of stickers in a blue/purple/pink color palette, so I sucked it up, and made her hair blue instead. I think it’s coming out well.

    Also, I’ve been having a little bit of an ongoing crisis for the past 3 or 4 years (yes, another one). Art style;what is it? Why can’t I maintain one? Doing this sticker submission is making me question where I am with my work, again. I feel like all the progress of finding myself, after I stopped copying anime/manga artists, is slowly unraveling. I feel lost. It’s always been a big goal of mine to have someone see one of my works, and know it’s mine, by my style. But my artwork is all over the place. And I feel like this is going to be an ongoing battle for many more years.

    And more on art; I really, really, really want to sell some little doodles this year. Actually, just right before I checked the forum, I was researching on for types of paper people use when selling their artwork. I understand that a doodle isn’t going to sell as well as a painting, but it’s easier for me to take baby steps to committing to something that’ll take 2 hours, compared to 20 hours. Plus, the longer amount of time I put into something, the more attached I become.

    Mother came home with a bottle of 90 vitamin D pills. One to be taken with food, daily. This means finding something appetizing to eat, daily. Actually, right before she came home I was quickly striding to the kitchen to grab some crakcers, because I didn’t know who would come home first, or when, so I didn’t know if I’d get hungry later. Now everyone’s making fun of me for never leaving my room. They’re all playing doctor, and saying “go out more”. I wish I could express to my doctor that I’m painfully agoraphobic (and for good reason).

    Conflict is picking up in the house, again. It all falls exactly under the teepee scenario. He’s scheduled someone to replace the living room carpet with hard wood flooring this weekend, but he’s going to be out of town, and expects mother, the two very rowdy dogs and I to find somewhere else to go for 8 hours. After mother declines this, his response is hilarious. “None of this would be happening if [Sammi] would just take out the damn dogs to go piss.” (Mind you, I haven’t been able to wake up until 1pm, which is about the time everyone starts to come home. Oversleeping is extremely uncontrollable for me. I hate to play the mental illness card, but y’know.)

    The blame game. I love the blame game. Keep it comin’.

    #124735
    Profile photo of Driftwood
    Driftwood
    Participant

    Hi Sammi–

    Wanted to get back to you quickly since this weekend might be a busy one..

    The New Year’s onesie debacle sounds like a comic/tragic short film or a bad dream. Ah well, hope you had fun anyway. Didn’t mean for you to watch the whole show on Netflix, just thought you’d be interested in the opening sequence. Indeed, it’s dark and the show is even darker for the most part (corrupt pope murdering everyone and anyone who gets in his way and marrying his daughter off for the money – just like it was during the renaissance). Fascinating and beautiful show, but often quite wicked.

    A style the eternal search for many artists. It’s too soon in your development to develop ‘a style’. If you were to get locked in to one ‘style’ now, it would be premature, and become ‘dead’. So now is a time to keep exploring and not worry about that. Expressing what you want to express, and keeping exploring is what it’s about. Looking back on all of Picasso’s ‘styles’ you can see that there was a thread throughout all his different periods that lead him to where he ended up. His early stuff from the 20’s was about copying very classical stuff. Things just develop naturally. Nothing wrong with also copying manga while doing other types of stuff as well. So it’s more about the evolution that happens naturally while you’re trying to express yourself, continuing to develop technique and resisting the temptation to feel like whatever style you happen to be working in at the moment ‘defines’ you forever.

    Submit some of your stuff, to stickerbento. And make the deal with yourself that possible rejection won’t rule your attitude towards future submissions – there’s a ton of rejections. My mother used to get rejected from one show only to take a prize at another with the same painting. So don’t take it personally, also see it as part of your progress.

    And yes, wah-wah-wah look at the sacrifice I’ve had to make because of the carpet and all you can do is complain about being away for 8 hours??? All your fault because you didn’t take the dogs out? Don’t think so.

    I want to address some of the other things you talk about, namely oversleeping, mental health, what does or doesn’t constitute the ‘mental illness card’ (another pet topic of mine having to do with some family members). Remember that you are reaching out in some very healthy ways… More about all that in another note.

    I do have a couple of questions: Do you homeschool through your school? When you mention your counselor, do you mean therapist? Or is that someone who’s associated with school and is more of that kind of counselor? Anyone to talk to about the fact that you’re behind on those classes?

    More soon.

    #124740
    Profile photo of Sammi
    Sammi
    Participant

    @Driftwood: Hey. Quicker than expected.

    Thanks for the reassurance on art styles. I follow a lot of twenty-somethings who are more than comfortable with their current art style, but I can see them burning out eventually. But it is nice to have that signature thing that keeps people coming back. Still yet to find mine, but with time, I’m sure. I guess it’s better to start the endeavor now, than when I’m 80.

    I’m having a hard time understanding the first question you’re asking. I’m currently enrolled in an online academy, if that helps any. My counselor is under my health care and my former doctor referred me, so I should probably be mentioning her as my therapist, but y’know. The academy does have counselors, but all the communications are forwarded to your parents. There was a school counselor last year who skype with me and helped me set up a plan for catching up, but I’d be embarrassed to go back to her, for help. But she taught me techniques that I can use again, if my teachers decide to keep the assignments open for longer. A few of my teachers this year are notably rude and show no empathy when it comes to late work or mental illness (okay, maybe I’m actually using it as an excuse here, but you try doing algebra while someone is screaming at you from outside your door). Anyways, I’ll see what I can do. The lady from last year told me to always turn in the things with the most possible points first, to boost my grades faster. And that anything is better than a zero. Very nice lady.

    This topic has been reported for inappropriate content.” Fiddlesticks. If it survives, it survives. If not, it lived a long life.

    #124773
    Profile photo of Driftwood
    Driftwood
    Participant

    Hi Sammi-

    My question was if the homeschooling was part of your actual school district – and if the counselor as such was a school counselor, vs. a therapist. I couldn’t tell from what you’ve written in the past. So you’ve answered the question. Hope that clears it up. Because you write well and know how to advocate for yourself maybe reconsider approaching the person that helped you last time when you fell behind. Don’t feel awkward about it. I say this because it’s really important to keep at it just for your own sense of well being since you’re looking forward to the charter school. You were in an art-driven headspace and switching over isn’t always easy. I have struggled with that with my writing vs.producing at work sometimes and I can tell you it does get slightly easier the more you ‘practice’ it. It’s discipline like anything else. Either way time to get to work, and catch up, Sammi! New year’s babysteps toward bigger things!

    Fiddlesticks indeed. As a former art history major, it never occurred to me that the incorporation of nudity in renaissance painting could be seen as inappropriate, but that’s probably because I’ve been in so many museums and churches and seen so many altarpieces and frescoes throughout Europe while studying renaissance art. Renaissance composition has influenced the way I frame things photographically and when working on film and even corporate video – so it really is still relevant. Art falls under the category of freedom of expression (otherwise HBO wouldn’t have used it as an opening sequence to a very expensively shot series), as does any discussion of art.

    If by chance the thread goes down, you’re welcome to reach out to me at the email I use for work related stuff: It’s sendmyjpegs @ gmail.com. Feel free anytime.

    More soon..

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