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  • #121445
    Driftwood
    Participant

    Detecting patterns is pretty much what I meant when I talked about hovering above it in the Sammi traffic-copter. It means you are at a slight ‘remove’ from his behavior and can see it all too clearly for what it is. I think this is a major step to having it affect you less.

    You already have good insights into his bad behavior. It sounds like his life is pretty ‘small’ to have all that energy to devote to tearing down others. I see ‘no one standing up for you’ as more like ‘no one can deal with him’ when he does this kind of stuff.

    Sooner than you think he will just be a ‘pebble in your shoe’ (a phrase a friend once said to me that I like), and will have no real effect on you whatsoever except as a minor annoyance.

    I think the Charter school will take on a momentum of its own and change things up for you. Like anything it will be what you make of it, but having this outside energy and focus in your life will also give you some added distance from the current situation. The more distance you get on it, the more perspective. You are already gaining on it.

    I can already see a slight shift in the energy between you and your mother (might seem tiny to you, but the beginnings are there). Believe in tiny miracles.

    Yes, the drag queens will be there next year. I can almost guarantee it.

    Sammi, I really think you are doing all the right things. You reached out in a really healthy way. You have good intuition and are very perceptive and I think these are going to get you to a place you want to be.

    I really like that painting – theme and composition. It’s very engaging.

    Give yourself permission to be proud of ALL of the above. I really mean that.

    -Mitchell

    #121446
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Sammi:

    You are welcome. An example of a core belief is one you stated in your last note to me: “Time heals all wounds”-

    Does it really? Let’s examine this statement: a stabbing wound followed by a massive loss of blood, over not such a long time, will result in death. Time will not heal such a wound. Regarding wounds to our hearts, resulting in early anxiety, in childhood, often last a lifetime. If the statement was true, older people would be in good shape, having time on their side. Only young people would visit psychiatrists.

    Other core beliefs: “I am bad”, “I am worthless” “My mother loves me” and so on and on.

    anita

    #121520
    Sammi
    Participant

    @Driftwood: Speedy replies.

    I understand, he’s already becoming less and less bothersome. I’m reaching a point where I find myself thinking “what else could he say?”. I’ve already boo-hoo’d at basically everything negative he’s said about me, and now I’m pretty much over it. But it’s also understandable as to why it hit me worse in the past few years, because he’s been preying on me since I was just turning 13. And most 13 year olds don’t get that much negative attention towards them, and they don’t know how to handle it.

    There was some talk in the living room a while ago that bothered me a bit. Mother dragged me grocery shopping a few weeks ago, and got me to help with bagging and such (when I wasn’t busy panicking, due to the large amount of people). She reported this to him (as she usually does with everything, and that’s why I can’t tell her anything) and he replied with “yeah, try to make that a habit”. I get it, I’m a lazy slob who’s never had a chore before, but it feels a little degrading to have a baboon try to train my mother to put me to work. Maybe I’m overthinking it, but the thought genuinely makes me want to hurt something. (Not that I will.)

    And thank you, for your comment on the painting. I wanted something that pictured the statement “together, but alone”, since it is long-distance, and him and I are rather alienated people. Oddballs, as some might say.


    @Anita
    : Your examination on the statement does make a lot of sense. I know you’ve briefly gone over it before, but what exactly does heal a “wound”, then?

    And thanks, I think I understand what core beliefs are, now. Just simple statements that you believe in, it seems.

    Sorry for my limited amounts of writing, I’m still very wiped out from this past weekend. I had to babysit my two friends from Friday to Sunday, and my anxiety was haywire, so I didn’t get much of any sleep. One of my friends decided we should go shopping on black friday, and so I spent the majority of Friday panicking in big crowds. Friday night/morning was spent trembling, having short nightmares and bleaching my roots. Saturday was spent napping, Saturday night was a mini panick attack, because I thought one of my friends was mad at me (after she left). Sunday was spent napping.

    Also irrelevant, but we ran out of hair bleach, (it’s not light enough to put the blue dye in yet, because it would turn green, right now) so now I have a pretty obvious insecurity that makes going out in public awful. The top half of my hair is very yellow, and the bottom half is a faded blue. Hats and hoods are my current best friends. Mom keeps giving me “soon, soon” about getting more bleach. If I haven’t mentioned it, she loves to put off everything. Pray for my hair and I.

    #121524
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Sammi:

    You asked: “what exactly does heal a ‘wound’, then?”-

    You disconnect from the people wounding you and connect with the people who will help you heal, be it a competent, empathetic therapist in an individual or group setting, a support group, a kind, wise friend.

    anita

    #121841
    Sammi
    Participant

    @Anita: That does seem like a very proper way to heal. If only such was obtainable for me, but lord knows I’m trying my hardest.

    The new management at these apartments have been making all the wrong moves, and now, mom wants us to move. This could be both good, and bad.

    She wants to go big (we currently live in an 800 Sq ft apartment, she’s thinking a 2500 sq ft house) but big means expensive, which also could mean roommates. I assume she’d accept anyone who’d take the offer, and I heard him offering one of his coworkers the roommate position.

    Why this could be good is because I could get a whole hell lot more of space to hide, and live in my own bubble. As to why this could be bad, I really don’t want to live with 2 emotionally abuse twats at once, because one has already been enough for me to consider taking all the pills I can find in the house.

    In fact, living with another stranger of any kind is a terrible idea. Even less privacy. But then again, I don’t pay the rent, do I? (If I was productive at anything at life, I would shut up, get a job across the street, and pitch in with rent.)

    And there’s no one specific destination in mind, which means that this new place could be even farther from the charter school. I heard him really trying to persuade her into one house that’s over 30 minutes away from the charter school, by car. I told her I want something close to it (because it’s one of the very, very few things I look forward to), but then again, I don’t pay the rent. Whatever happens, happens.

    Also, mother was helping me bleach my hair again today. He was on the phone in their room, next to the bathroom. She left for a second, to take the dogs out back, and he suddenly to decides to randomly, and loudly, bring the statement “y’know, kids born in the northwest are soft.” into his conversation.

    Something about that made my blood boil. Not only is it a brain-rotting kind of stupid generalization, something a first grader would say on the playground, before sticking his taunting tongue between his tooth gap, where he lost a baby tooth the night before. But you’re telling me that I put up with your shenanigans for 3 or so years to be called “soft”? And excuse me, but most any 13-16 year old would probably meet his definition of “soft”, unless they had a bowl of thumbtacks for breakfast. Oh, if only I had the physical strength to uppercut him. He truly, truly deserves it.

    I can’t stand it. I can’t stand him. He’s genuinely driving me mad, and spending another 1 year and 10 months in this household might actually be the death of me. -huff, huff-

    Please, anyone, give me some reasonable thoughts. My mind is rushing with nothing but angst, and pure hatred towards him. When he says those little, indirect and immature put-downs, it completely shatters my entire day. I could’ve just won the lottery, if I was old enough to enter it, and he could say something, anything, and I would be completely pissed. Even if it’s just a recycled comment, or something on about how much of a lazy, good-for-nothing twat I am, it still affects me in the same way.

    (And again, I do understand I am lazy and helpless, but him saying something will not change that. For anything, it’ll make me feel challenged to continue being lazy, just so he can bitch and moan more, even if that doesn’t benefit either of us. If he actually wants me to do anything, for my own benefit, he could teach me how to do something. But at this point, the trust was trampled long ago, and there’s no point to any of it, now. I won’t even look him in the eye.)

    #121844
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Sammi:

    When he makes a comment like that, that you are soft, say his name and tell him what you are thinking. Answer back. Say something. Assert yourself with him.

    anita

    #121955
    Sammi
    Participant

    @Anita: I don’t quite see any benefit from doing so.

    There would be no real purpose. He already knows what he says irritates me, and that’s why he says what he does. The only thing it’d do is give this household another elephant in the room; something uncomfortable that they’ll forget about in a week. What could be the best outcome, out of that? What would I even say?

    Worst case scenario, I stand up for myself, and he mocks my response. Then, I’ll overhear another whispered argument about how lazy I am. We might have another “family meeting” the day afterwards, where mother forces him to apologize, and he does nothing but make a false promise to never mock me again. It usually happens again, after a month. It’s just a lot more emotionally draining than I’m willing to handle. Punching bags don’t fight back for a reason.

    Knowing hurts. Being able to overanalyze a situation and see the real depth to every word and action hurts. Even when he’s not trying to attack me, his subconscious mannerisms still show how much he doesn’t want me in this household. There’s this aura (or “vibe”) I can’t really explain, but it’s very “I own this place, yeah, I’m top dog” that comes off of him. A pseudo confidence. It’s very degrading to be around, and makes me feel small. Of course I see through it, and I know I’m the better person, but that doesn’t make it any less bothersome to put up with. It doesn’t make me sad, as much as it makes me want to roll my eyes. I’m kind of talking in circles, but hopefully, you get the point.

    #121967
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Sammi:

    You wrote: “Punching bags don’t fight back for a reason”- this means to me that you consider yourself a “punching bag” and that the punching is done by your mother’s live-in boyfriend.

    From the beginning of your thread I expressed to you my position, still and always in effect, that a parent should not subject a minor to living with a person the minor is uncomfortable with. So, your mother should not have this man living with the two of you.

    Back to the punching bag, please let me know if I understand correctly (and I did not re-read your posts here, so I may miss something): his punching of you is and never has been physical. Or sexual. He never damaged your belongings, your property; never entered your room uninvited. His punching consists on comments he makes about you to your mother, like suggesting you are “soft” and “lazy.”

    Am I correct?

    anita

    #122013
    Sammi
    Participant

    @Anita: Correct; there’s never been any physical harm at all, unless it was something self-inflicted. (“Self-inflicted” being like the time he was walking in my direction, so I panicked and threw myself at the recliner, next to me. That was caused by him, because I wouldn’t have done it if I wasn’t in his way.)

    #122016
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Sammi:

    I am trying to understand the nature of his abuse of you in order to answer your question following my suggestion that you assert yourself with him: “”What could be the best outcome, out of that? What would I even say?”

    To answer this question I need to understand the nature of his abuse of you: what is it? Does he scream at you? Calling you names (what names?)

    Is it that you overhear him say to your mother that you are “soft” or “lazy”- is that the abuse you are dreading? What about him and his behavior keeps you in your room 23 hours per day for the last two years, and “tremble with dread when he got home”?

    anita

    #122018
    Sammi
    Participant

    @Anita: The real key word here is “indirect”.

    He tries hard to cover up his tracks by dressing up an insult in a disguise. The disguise is usually a “joke”. So if I were to reply back, he would claim it’s only a joke. The contents of the “joke” can be on a variety of any of my weaknesses. (Weaknesses include: being too quiet, being glued to my phone, getting offended easily by his “jokes”, not having “amazing social skills” like his daughter, not doing any chores, leaching off of my mother, spending “too much” time with my mother, not getting a job within the first two months of being old enough to apply, etc). Those are all things he’s “joked” about. These “jokes” usually do come up in conversation between him and my mother, but he’s done it in front of me, many times.

    There’s a big grey area, where some of his jokes lie. Sometimes I can’t tell if I’m being oversensitive, or if they’re just really not okay. There is no real rulebook on it. The only reason I dare justify any of it as the very loosely used term of “abuse”, is for the simple fact that my counselor has stated that it’s common practice for emotional abusers to make hurtful jokes.

    He’s yelled at me too, from outside my closed door, when mother wasn’t home. Name calling. I might’ve mentioned it in the earlier posts, but he called me a failure. Can’t remember much more than that. In a time close to then, in an argument between them, he also went on about how I’m going to end up in my boyfriend’s basement, insisting that I’m just going to leach off of him. There’s nothing I could really say or do to stop him from going on about what he does. If I were to get a job now, he’d only mutter “finally” under his breath, find something else to yell about at mother, and suggest she force me to do.

    And on the other side, I feel like I’m looking into it too deep, and it’s all just senseless “caveman speak” that I really shouldn’t be bothered by. Maybe I shouldn’t even consider the outcome of trying to live up to his expectations. After all, what would I get out of it? More complaining?

    And before you mention it, I understand there’s way worse situations out there, and I’m very grateful I’m not in those. I can’t even imagine the pain of something physically abusive. I just dislike the situation I’m in right now, because he can get away with it so well, since mother deems it as “innocent”.

    #122064
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Sammi:

    Thank you for the very clear explanation above. I re-read most of your posts on this thread and then re-read your latest posts and I agree with you: there is no point in asserting yourself with him.

    What I learned today, from re-reading your posts is the following. Let me know how close- or far- I am:

    You were scared/ traumatized (injured) early in your life, starting maybe with the abuse you mentioned (“I went through other abuse when I was very young. I’d rather not bring it up, just because I don’t want to make anymore of a sob story out of myself than I already have”), continuing through your experiences with your father and the string of your mother’s ex boyfriends. Her current live in boyfriend has been in the picture since you were about 11. By 11 you were already significantly traumatized and therefore, suffering from significant anxiety.

    Two things are true: your mother’s boyfriend is abusive AND it doesn’t take a lot to scare and distress you. Any excessive noise often scares you (“like more than one person talking at once, are extremely overwhelming to me, and make me panic a bit”) and perceived threats are magnified (ex. “at times I’ve stacked up a few full boxes in front of it, just in case” although he never made such entrance and “I would rather ease a rusty knife into my throat than leave my room while it’s just him and I alone”).

    The following combination is what makes you so unusual, in my experience:

    1. You are so afraid, yet you look so unafraid in the way you choose your hair and appearance to stand out (“I have a bit of an obsession with colorful, neon clothing, hair and makeup. I love turning heads when I go places”).

    2. You are so afraid, yet you behave fearlessly with some others (“with people I know very well, like my friend, I get rowdy.. I kind of give off this pseudo arrogance, in that gear. I can see how this could be intimidating, from a bystander perspective”)

    3. You are so afraid, describing your fearful feelings and fearful behaviors on this thread, while at the same time, in your very ongoing, sentence after sentence, page after page, post after post, total of more than a 100 total), in your back and forth communication with me and with other people communicating with you, you have been confident and assertive the whole time. No expressions of self doubt, no yo-yoing in your positions, no desperation for approval by any replier, nothing. No sign of fear and no sign of weakness.

    I would like to understand #3. As is, I don’t understand it- how can it be…?

    anita

    #122071
    Driftwood
    Participant

    Hi Sammi-

    Wow – Sorry I’ve been out of the loop as I was away and working for a few days. Things had seemed to be quieting down with his abusive behavior, but now they seem to be picking up again – in fact, it sounds like they are back where they started in the very beginning- in terms of the things he’s saying – but not in terms of the way you are handling them. I know they ruin your day, which is exactly his point, and while it’s an emotional strain, you do have more and more of a perspective on him. Don’t fault yourself for taking things in too deeply – remember he is an abuser and is trying his best to get to you.

    I understand how hard it is to defend yourself against him since, feeling powerless in his life he’s constantly vying for a power position, but just remember that the things he says have NO BEARING ON WHO YOU ARE. He has such a deep sense of failure that he’s busy projecting that on you. I’m wondering if in the talks you’ve had with your mother (not the ‘family meeting’ ‘bull’ ones) if you’ve been assertive enough with her about just how abusive he is. Have you tried that and also communicating some of your insights regarding him to her? Have you communicated to her very clearly that she’s in an abusive situation when you’re alone with her? And that she’s putting you in harms way? I know we’ve touched on this and I understand if you haven’t/can’t. But either way it is her responsibility to keep you out of harm’s way. You have every right to be really angry.

    So sorry- I had wanted to talk about the creative stuff like your painting.. Let’s get to that when we can. Meanwhile…how to deal with the immediate situation.. You’re getting the soundest advice from Anita, of course..

    Write back soon.

    -Mitchell

    #122135
    Sammi
    Participant

    @Anita: You have some valid points. I really appreciate you taking the time to put together that analysis. Few things I wanna go over.

    For the sake of accuracy, and maybe an apology on my part, this current boyfriend has been here since I was roughly 12, turning 13. So, it’s actually been 3 years, and not 4, my bad. I only mention this slightly unimportant information because there was the past boyfriend, and that went on from when I was 10 to 11. That did the first notable damage, I believe I mention it a little, in the first post. There’s been past things, things that I’m not sure I’m even allowed to mention on here, and they were easily the roots of where I am, mentally, today.

    I don’t really consider myself “afraid”, as much as I consider myself miserable. I’m not too horribly afraid to go out of my room when he’s there, as much as I am just emotionally exhausted, and dread dealing with him. Though, in the climax of being shouted at, “afraid” is a word that comes to mind. But that feeling usually dies down, when the commotion does. But, yes, I still do have fears (obviously, anyone does). And a hearty portion of those fears deal with this household. But I think they’re starting to diminish, especially after joining the forum, and getting more reasonable opinions.

    I should also mention that “fear” works a bit odd for me, as you seem to noticed. I’d rather be more vulnerable around complete strangers than anyone I know. Since they don’t know me, and will likely never see me again, their judgement doesn’t matter to me. It’s why I have such an easy time with being “out there” with my style. This is also why I have such an easy time with communication on here. Being anonymous is a safe feeling, and I think that’s why the internet does so well.

    A little irrelevant side story – when I went to public school, I was a completely different person; terrified. Because I was surrounded by people I knew, daily, I wanted to stay as unnoticeable as possible. I dyed my hair back to black at the end of summer, and I wore a total of roughly 5 outfits for the entire school year. I avoided cutting my hair, because I was afraid someone was going to notice. I let my hair grow out for the entirety of 5th and 6th grade, and when it was summer, it was down to my hips. (And that’s when I cut it). I absolutely dreaded the acknowledgement from peers, and I’m still not completely sure why.

    And even during the hot days of gym class, I still wouldn’t take off the coat I always wore. Even if I felt like I was about to faint, I just didn’t want anyone to comment about me, taking off the jacket I always wore. On the few days I wore shorts (I made sure they were knee-length, even if my middle school permitted mid-thigh length), I would wear dress tights underneath. My backpack broke mid-year, and I refused to get a new one for the simple fact of money, and someone saying something.

    There was the few last days of 7th grade, though, (my last few days of public school), where I actually bothered styling my hair, and wore my nice clothes; the outfits I only saved for the weekend mall trips with friends. A few people complimented me, a few people didn’t recognize me. I remember being so painfully nervous. It felt good to finally care a little less, though. (Just for a time line, he moved in when I was in the middle of 6th grade, and that’s when the insecurity really started. Beforehand, I dyed my hair constantly in 4th and 5th grade, despite being surrounded by a classroom of people I’ve known since kindergarten.)

    @Driftwood: Hey. It’s completely fine, I’m glad to hear that you’re staying busy with work. Getting stuff done is good.

    In that one massive breakdown I had, (as mentioned in the first post, the one where I started uncontrollably weeping, after my friend left) I completely laid out all of my thoughts on him, to her. “Abuse” is a word that she doesn’t quite comprehend, not well enough to consider emotional abuse being real. I can only infer that she dealt with similar, growing up, and so she’s normalized it. But I can’t ask her for any information to support my inference, because there’d be either one of two outcomes.

    One – if she’s normalized it, she wouldn’t be able to recognize the exact behavior. And she especially wouldn’t be able to recognize that it’s wrong.

    Or two – I ask her about the behavior of her mother’s past boyfriends in an all-too-familiar way, which will make her think I’m on to something. That could trigger a lengthy, pointless “heart-to-heart” talk, filled with garbage that neither her, nor I, will remember after a few months.

    For some evidence, she told me the story about how one of her highschool friends broke her prized glass etching she, my mother, made, amongst other terrible stories. The interesting bit is that they’re still good friends, even if her friend’s behavior has never really been defined as “good”. In fact, they’re such good friends that we’ve flown back down to California to see her, and she actually came up here last year. There’s been an alarming amount of effort put into their not-very-beneficial friendship.

    But since that breakdown was before the forums, I had a lot less insight, and so I didn’t explain everything all that great. But even if I tried now, I’d still get a reply equal to “grow up”, and he might receive a small slap on the wrist, followed by him wailing his go-to phrases of “I just don’t get it, dude” and “she’s so sensitive”.

    Today was alright though, I didn’t actually hear his voice all that much. These days definitely have their ups and downs, but I know I’ll be fine.

    Sorry, my entire reply to you just ended up being a tangent about my mother. Cover what you want next, but I look forward to art talk.

    Quick after thought – I really hope I don’t end up as insecure and reclusive as I was in 7th grade, when I switch to the charter school. I’m trying my hardest not to be. I’m going out of my way to change my entire wardrobe to fun and bright things, so I won’t have the choice to hide. But, sadly, I’ll have to dye my hair back to a natural color, because I’ve been dying it nonstop for 2 years straight and my hair is unbelievably damaged. It doesn’t mean I won’t dye my hair again, in a few years, though.

    Alright, I’ve been typing for over an hour, and I planned to sleep quite a while ago.

    But before I sleep, I wanna say thanks to you both, Anita and Driftwood (or Mitchell, whatever you want me to call you, really). You’re both usually always here, and willing to help me sort through things. Kindness like that is rare, these days. It amazes me that you both still decide to regularly put up with my pity party. I usually don’t go on and on about myself and my emotions like this, but this forum feels like my little safe space where I’m allowed to do so. So, thanks.

    #122149
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Sammi:

    You are welcome. I am having a problem here and I am hoping you can help me understand.

    In your very last post you wrote (“he” -refers to your mother’s live-I boyfriend): “I’m not too horribly afraid to go out of my room when he’s there.” (A Quote)

    But in previous posts on this thread you wrote the following statements regarding the same man (B Quotes):

    “I spend about 23 hours a day in my room…I don’t leave my room if just him and I are home; no matter how bad I have to use the bathroom, or how hungry I may be.”

    “I would tremble with dread when he got home. I knew what was coming.”

    “There’s been times where I’ve been outside of my room when he came home, and I had to hide until there was a clear way to my bedroom. Oh god. I’m trembling, just by typing this.”

    “I lay down, in the dark, for 20 minutes, something clicks, and then I have an uncontrollable tremor that keeps me up for hours.”

    “at times I’ve stacked up a few full boxes in front of (the door), just in case (he enters)”

    “I would rather ease a rusty knife into my throat than leave my room while it’s just him and I alone.”

    My question to you is: how is Quote A consistent (compatible/ congruent/ in agreement/ compatible/ reconcilable) with Quotes B?

    anita

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