March 13, 2017 at 1:56 am #139171
I’ve posted here before, but it was usually an issue I was having with one particular thing. This time is different.
I am losing (lost in most aspects) everything. And I need to fight to at least get back to some sort of normalcy, but I feel so broken that I just don’t know what to do. I got fired 6 months after starting a new and great job. It was absolutely the most disgusting experience. Don’t want to spend more than a minute on it, but it was a very unfair termination and has really scarred me. At the same time, I have not spoken to my mom in almost a year. Grandma is barely alive, in and out of hospitals, and is being very toxic to me. Blaming me for a lot of the issues that family went through. Stepdad in Prison for making a lot of money. Eating disorder. Can’t stop eating junk. I quit smoking and pot a few months back so food is my best friend and it helps me to deal with some of these tough things I am going through. I’ve gained so much weight that I feel like an obese ape. I am stuck in my career. 39 years old and I thought I would in a different place by now. I work in IT, but need to move on because I hate corporate. I don’t know anything else outside of it. I don’t have anyone in my life who could help me with any of this. My family is falling apart. In fact, it has fallen apart. She just wants me to leave when I get another job. She is being unreasonable, but she is also almost 37 and is desperate to have a child. My dog is the only thing that keeps me grounded. I wish for death, but I am not suicidal or anything. I just don’t know how to handle all this pain. My dad lives in another country and while he loves me, he couldn’t pick up a phone and call me if his life depended on it.
This awful feeling of being alone and knowing that you’re completely alone in this whole world is more than I can handle at the moment. I feel nothing, but pain. Pain of loss. Pain of emptiness. Pain of failure and the destruction of my family, relationship, friendships, career, etc. I am not a bad person. I just had a tough life and all the emotionally abuse early on has finally caught up with me. I don’t think I will ever climb out of this hole I am in right now. If I do end up getting through this, I don’t know what will be left of me. I am not being overly dramatic. I am just in some horrible hell right now and I don’t know what to do.
Before, I could at least talk to my mom or my sister, or someone else. It may have not fixed anything, but at least I knew I wasn’t alone. Right now, I am 100% alone. It’s truly an awful feeling. I am not afraid of be alone. I love being alone sometimes. It’s more of not having anyone else in your life. Of feeling unwanted. No one needs me except my dog. If I die, a few people will know and suffer, but I don’t want that. I don’t want anyone to suffer. I know my dog will miss me. I don’t want to be dead, obviously and as I stated above, I am not suicidal or anything. I am just in an incredible amount of emotional pain and I don’t know to deal with it. I need to start interviewing again, start eating healthy again, start exercising, and developing my self, but I am 39 and I am broken. I am completely broken =(
Thanks for listening and I am sorry for sounding so out of it. This is all very tough.
FSMarch 13, 2017 at 3:54 am #139177
First off i’m truly sorry to hear that you’re going through s hard time and for the way you are feeling.
You seem to have had bad experiences near each other which is making you perceive your situation to be critical. Loosing a job and family cold to towards you. You say you don’t want to work in corporate anymore and although you stopped smoking you are swapping that for eating, but you also acknowledge that you need to getting healthy and developing yourself which to me says you know the way to get out of this temporary slump is by getting out of the physical habits. But I feel that more importantly the initial change comes from getting out of the way you’re thinking or the way your problems have conditioned you to think, i.e. your mind is jumping to conclusions and as a result getting you to give up, though from the outside looking in this is far from the truth.
You know there is a way forwards but you’re lacking the motivation which is not allowing you to progress. The negativity you have faced has pretty much told you that it is all over and suppressed your motivation, though I can tell you that this is because you are dwelling to much on the past and also where you would like to be in the future. Please see that once you motivate yourself and realise that you have something to offer and that the negativity that surrounds can still be there to motivate you just as much as it hasn’t.
There is a really good app called insight timer (app store i’m sure there’s equivalents for other platforms) which may help and has guided exercises which have helped me greatly overcome confidence and negativity issues when practising various forms of mediation and this has helped me not to dwell too much on the negative and focus on how I may be helpful to others. When . you’re in the situation that seems bad that is exactly what it is, it only seems bad but there is always a way to change your thinking and this is the start, don’t attempt to solve all your problems in once go, start with small steps and tackle your thinking and strengthening that aspect then move on and you will find you can progress.
Remember that the mind is fickle and training it to calm down and not jump around is a great way forward.
I’m keen to know what you think and I hope to hear from you soon.
Jahrin.March 13, 2017 at 2:51 pm #139315
Congratulations for successfully quitting smoking and pot. All is not lost. Did you by any chance watch the movie: The Never Ending Story (the original, 1984)?
In the movie (fantasy), the magnificent land of Fantasia was destroyed by the Nothing- all was lost, like you feel now, all lost- except for one grain of sand from that vast land of Fantasia.
What happened next, in the movie, is that a whole new land of Fantasia was created from that one grain of sand. Now, personally, I am not that optimistic, but I’d say, a whole lot can be created from one grain of sand. And if all you have now, is one grain of sand in your hands, then there is a lot you can do with it. Don’t underestimate a grain of sand, a one little good thing that you do have. It is the ground on which to build more, and more.
anitaMarch 14, 2017 at 5:35 am #139417
A few things come to mind.
1. If your grandmother wanted you at her deathbed, she should have treated you better when she was well.
2. The phone works both ways. If your parents don’t contact you, it’s really up to you whether you want to be “The Good Son” and contact them.
3. Your partner wants you to just move out after you get another job. Laugh at her. I don’t know the rent/mortgage situation, but if the place is in your name as well, SHE can move out. Seriously. You have to work to be in a relationship with someone. You (she) also has to do the work to get out. Tell her to do her work. She wants out so bad, she can move. Or, conversely, have a relationship with you.
4. There is a reason your dog is your best friend. Dogs are awesome! It’s people who are broken. If you want to find Your People, volunteer at an animal shelter. You will find others like you. Dogs need to be walks. Cats groomed.
5. Find a faith community. If religion isn’t your thing, go to a meditation center. It really helped me when I was going through a spiritually/emotionally hard time.
InkyMarch 14, 2017 at 7:43 pm #139521
I am going to survive all of this. I think my problem is that I am so tired of worrying that I can’t deal with anything else when I am always so stressed. What I mean is that a small worry sets me off and this small problem drives me up the walls because my nervous system, my brain, my soul, can’t take anymore of this worrying. It’s like the same scar that’s being constantly scratched. It can’t heal. I need time and peace to heal. I am stronger than most people I know, but I don’t hate time to heal. I am just tired of worrying daily, hourly. If it’s not financial then it’s probably my family, if not that then it’s my dog. Like he has an issue today. It’s hopefully nothing, but because I am barely holding on, I am not handling these small things the way I should be.
Thank you. I’ll try to be more positive. I just wish I had some time of “peace” more or less.March 14, 2017 at 8:03 pm #139529
Anxiety (ongoing fear, without a real and imminent danger, worrying) does not protect the anxious person, only wears him down. When a danger is real and imminent, fear motivates us to effectively run or fight, but the ongoing type, like what you describe, does nothing for our benefit. It only harms.