Hi Cass.

As an outsider looking into your situation, all the signs that I’m getting are telling me that it would be better if you leave him alone. I really understand how hard this can be as I am too struggling with a similar situation (I posted a thread here recently).

The simple fact is this: If this guy REALLY wanted to be with you, he would have already made the move to do so. You guys keep going back and forth, back and forth. He wants to be intimate when it’s convenient, but then pushes you away the next day. Don’t you think you deserve someone who wants you all the time?

This guy clearly knows how you feel about him, yet he cannot reciprocate his feelings properly. You don’t deserve someone who hesitates and beat around the bush when it comes to the question whether he’ll be with you. If you try to push it, it will only end badly.

I really understand what you’re going through. My ex was my best friend for 2 years, I have never been so close to anyone as I have with him. He was there for me through everything. He was my source of happiness (very unhealthy). And when he wanted me out of his life when I pushed for more affection due to him being distant, I was broken.

It’s hard to completely let him go now, and you can’t just forget your feelings for him, but just try to gradually detach from him for your heart’s sake.

Think of it this way, if you distance yourself, he may really miss you and decide that he does want to be with you. But if it doesn’t affect his decision in not wanting to be official with you, then that’s also great. Why? Because it’s better to know sooner than say after a couple more years of emotional distress over this on and off thing between you guys.

You don’t need to make a big announcement that you’re going to back off, just do it. Focus on things that make you happy and learn to rely on yourself more. Over time you won’t feel like you need him so much and it will hurt less if he ever decides that he REALLY doesn’t want a relationship with you.

Cass, please feel better. I know it doesn’t feel like it now but there ARE people out there who are more deserving of your time. Someone who won’t pull on your heart strings so much, who doesn’t hesitate to be with you.

Ugh that’s exactly how I feel! I would be able to move on much faster if my ex has always been an asshole but he’s not. A lot of people looked up to my ex because he was seen as very mature and wise for his age (he’s only 20) and he’s a really hard-working guy. I went to him for EVERYTHING; when I’m nervous, happy, upset, excited. It really sucks that as much of a good guy that he is (well WAS to me), he doesn’t want to be with me, which makes me feel like I’m a bad person. But that’s not true, and it isn’t either for you!

That doesn’t make us any less than good enough. It just means we’re not compatible with that person. We may think we are, but if in their eyes we aren’t, then we can’t force it.

I know exaaaactly how you feel. I have a family that I know loves me unconditionally, but I don’t get the same feeling talking to them about everything like I did with my ex. I’ve always been a loner until this summer when I start socializing with people, but I still don’t have any close friends yet. So basically without him, I feel like I have no one to talk to. It really sucks to feel like you’re alone, but would you really prefer to pine after him knowing that he doesn’t want you? Wouldn’t that make you feel even worse and lonelier? All I can really say to that is to learn to be independent to a point where you don’t need someone to share every detail of your life with. Sometimes it’s better to know how to rely on yourself to deal with those emotions alone.

What did he say when you made the announcement? And it’s okay to be sad Cass. It’s very normal to be feeling this way, but just know that eventually it will go away.

To answer your question, I’m not really sure how you can break the cycle without losing him. I feel that it’s either one or the other, you can’t have both, especially when you have so many feelings for him. If he’s a true friend, he’ll understand and still be there for you when you’re ready to be friends again (with no feelings towards him).

• This reply was modified 10 years, 9 months ago by Leina.

Hi all

Thank for sharing.

T, your words are very true and I can tell it has taken your heart a while to come to those conclusions and truly believe them. I can fully relate and now too have come to the same conclusions.

Cass and Liena, thanks for being open to us on this forum. You are not alone and there are people out there who have been through a very similar situation. Maybe the hurt and pain are clouding your judgements on how you’ll feel in the future, which if that is the case you can trust in the experiences of others who have come out strong. If they can do it, so can you.

I can only reiterate the words of T as it has taken me two years of being on and off with the ex to realise that if he really wanted to be with me, he would. In short: we were never official, when I had ‘the conversation’ with him he rejected me. Tears, heartache, depression took over. Then I managed to pick myself up with the help of friends, books and forums. We still very much addicted to each other and both could not let go. Conversations later we were somehow dating again, with me knowing he does not want to commit. (Over the past two years he did not have any sort of relationships with anyone else but me. Though this was the case he still wouldn’t commit.) As T says: if you stick around that is you saying to him “i am okay with your behaviour”. So having learnt this I chose to finally break it off after being on again. I needed to give him a reason to change, and so he did…. Though it was not enough. He changed, he realised my worth and did not take me for granted. But after a few weeks he pulled away. The excuses or perhaps reasons will not be mentioned here because ultimately, ultimately if he wanted to be with me… he would. 5 months of no contact later he got back in touch. The chemistry was there, he realised I will not be putting up with his excuses anymore, he suggested we move in together, we discussed moving abroad together if he gets offered a better job…. And surprise surprise when it came down to it…. He chose not to commit. 2 years since we had ‘the conversation’ I have finally learnt. As T says: by maintaining this relationship you are slowly killing yourself. I was which is why I HAD to let go. He is not a bad person, he is not malicious, but an emotional guy who just doesn’t know my worth. Because of that, he is not worthy of my love. He needs to learn and that can only be done without me now. Too much has happened to go back. Do I think he will get back in touch? Yes. For now I need to work on myself and move forward. If and when he does, then I will deal with it then because we can never predict the future.

Take time to look after your health. Cry all you want, sleep all you want, but don’t do that for long as that in itself is self destructive. Trust in others that you will heal from this. Scientifically speaking, time HAS to be given to this in order for our neural connections in our brains to change its wiring.

You will miss him, you will have your ups and downs which are completely normal but whatever you do… do not act on impulse.

If he really wanted to be with you, he would. If you are the girl for him, he will change but only on his time. Which means you need to take this opportunity now to develop yourself, to become a wonderful inspiring woman and if he does come back as a changed person… You will either be together if both of your are in the right place, i.e compatible or you will not which means you will still lead a fulfilled life. Either way, the only path to take is moving forwards.

Things will get better, the pain is only temporary. Trust in yourself and others that you will be ok.

All the best.