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Jealousy Strategy

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  • #121878
    AMag
    Participant

    I have recently begun to confront my lifelong feelings of jealousy. Fortunately, I’m in stable, loving marriage and do not question my husband’s love or behavior. BUT I am jealous of just about everyone else in my life including friends. I cannot tolerate (although I never reproach or say anything) listening to friends talk about their other friends (who I may or may not know). This is painful although I’m not really able to process why. I could list hundreds of examples BUT I guess the most baffling part is that these feelings often arise with people I hardly know! I don’t know where this comes from. Is that important?

    Anyway, I’m trying to learn to love this part of myself because I believe this is the way forward. I am learning to catch these thoughts and “smile” at them although I’m not convinced this working. Perhaps I’m impatient. Do you have any strategies?

    Any thoughts welcome.

    #121885
    Nina Sakura
    Participant

    I suppose your bond with your husband is really strong and thats why you don’t have fears about your importance to him.

    However you want to be perceived as valuable to others. When they speak of other people fondly, it makes you feel like your value is being put into question. In other words you are personalising their view point though in reality they aren’t even comparing in any way. It’s you who is comparing.

    To know how to cope with this, you need to understand why you feel this need to compete with for people you hardly know?

    Is it because of the way things were when you were growing up where you felt alone and undervalued?

    Do you struggle with poor self image? Do you feel like you have nothing good to offer as a person to them?

    Do you have this belief that if they talk of others, they indirectly mean you are less important and your values are less so?

    Usually this mild possessiveness is seen in very close friendships and romantic relationship but when it happens in every day interactions, it’s a sign of poor self worth. The healthier internal talk should be “they are great and so am I” rather than “oh no, they are so great and gosh, I suppose I am not, no one would talk so well of me”

    What do you think?

    #121902
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear amag:

    I think it is very important to look at the origin of your jealousy, it is called insight and it is part of healing. As a child, were you jealous? Felt others took center stage while you were in the corner, unseen, not important?

    anita

    #121920
    AMag
    Participant

    Thank you Nina and Anita for your insightful opinions and questions. I appreciate it so much!

    I have never thought about the idea of “competition” as a component for my jealousy but it does ring true. I don’t like formal competition and try to avoid it at all costs but with that said, I do compare myself to others ALL of the time which is a form of competition I suppose. And yes, I am also struggling with improving my self esteem. (Jealousy seems to be easier to address than the looming, more oppressive issue of deep insecurity (sigh) although I know they are tied together).

    Getting to the origin of this problem has been my quest. I spent a few years in talk-therapy discussing my family history unfortunately it really didn’t help. Although after a short break I went to see a cognitive therapist who had no interest in my background but instead focused on the present — with her I made great strides. Now I wonder if I need to revisit talk-therapy and sort out why I still feel so insecure.

    I’ve lacked a healthy self-confidence for as long as I can remember. My parents have told me stories about my feelings of insecurity in kindergarten although I have no memory of this. I have early memories of being lost and abandoned. My favorite stuffed animal was bloodhound that would find me if I was lost. School was difficult and in third grade I missed several months due to a illness which left me feeling sidelined and further behind. Outside of that I really have no “tangible” experience to explain my deep feelings of insecurity which is frustrating because it does not give me anything to work with. There truly is nothing outstanding in my history that can explain it – it’s weird. In fact, years ago I became obsessed with idea that I had somehow buried a memory of trauma — as an explanation for my feelings — because it just seemed too absurd that I could feel so down without any recognizable cause at all. In so many ways, I know that I am very, very fortunate person but knowing this doesn’t help to elevate me from feeling deeply flawed.

    #121921
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear amag:

    You wrote: ” I have early memories of being lost and abandoned. My favorite stuffed animal was bloodhound that would find me if I was lost.”

    Can you describe one time that you were lost and abandoned… lost and abandoned by your parents? What was it about?

    anita

    #121952
    Inky
    Participant

    Hi amag,

    The feeling of jealousy at its core is the thought that one is expendable. That when we die our friends and family will be fine without us. In training as a lay minister we were taught never to say to someone in the hospital, “Oh, everyone back home is doing great!” But when I’d say, “You better get well soon, ten people are trying to do your job!” they’d smile the biggest smile. LOL

    You are irreplaceable! Believe it! How about when someone talks about their other friends you talk about YOUR other friends? See how it feels.

    Maybe you can tell your DH at your next big birthday, “No surprise parties, please!” Then later enjoy the inevitable surprise party with all your friends awaiting you!

    Blessings,

    Inky

    #121988
    AMag
    Participant

    Thanks Anita and Inky.

    Anita, It’s curious that I wrote that misleading statement because as far as I know I was never lost or forgotten! But it was a recurring worry/feeling I would have (especially when my parents were late to pick me up as they often were). And to address your earlier question, I never felt ignored or unseen as a kid. Now, my life feels motionless and I often feel like a bore.

    Inky, I’ve always gone out of my way not to discuss friends with other friends. I guess I do this because I know the talk bothers me and so I can only assume that it would bother someone else in the same way (Do unto others…)

    I don’t think my childhood was perfect but there really is no reason I can come up with to explain why I’ve had such low esteem.

    Thanks for your help so far!

    #121989
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear amag:

    In your original post you wrote: “I don’t know where this (jealousy) comes from. Is that important?”

    Yes, it is important. Let’s look at where it may come from.

    In your last note to me you wrote the following:

    1. “I was never lost or forgotten!”
    2. “my parents were late to pick me up as they often were”

    # 1 and #2 are not congruent: when you were a child waiting for your parents, as you were waiting, every moment waiting was a long, long moment. Even for adults in distress, time seems longer. For a child, it is the
    longest. Each day you waited for your parents to be picked up, you experienced being “lost or forgotten.” Every single day, and those days happened often.

    Your “recurring worry/feeling” of being lost and forgotten was based on the reality of you having been, practically, often, lost and forgotten for long, long periods of time (long, according to a child’s brain, if not according to a clock)

    # 3. “I never felt ignored or unseen as a kid.” You were ignored and unseen by your parents as you often waited for them. You were very distressed, waiting, and it happened again.

    Do you see any of this that I (from the advantageous position of objectivity) can see?

    anita

    #122090
    XenopusTex
    Participant

    Anita, parents being late doesn’t always indicate being lost or forgotten or unseen. Work, traffic, mother nature, all sorts of things can add up to being late. This week, we had a storm here that was so bad, people who lived in the periphery but worked in town, stayed in town. Yes, in the 21st century, we had weather that was so bad people couldn’t travel.

    #122095
    Anonymous
    Guest

    * Dear XenopusTex: it is not a good practice for a person replying to challenge a reply of another person who is also replying. Best to comment on the posts of the OP only, in any one thread. (People are less likely to reply to a thread if their reply is likely to be challenged by other members replying, arguing about the validity of this or that advice- that would be a mess).
    anita

    #122126
    Mimi
    Participant

    It doesn’t matter if there were legitimate reasons for a parent being late. What matters is the FEELING that a child has. If it feels like being lost or abandoned, then that is what it is on the inside, and that is what stays with a person.

    #122203
    AMag
    Participant

    Anita, thanks again for your response. I took a little time to process your thoughts because when I first read them I felt that somehow I had misstated my situation/memories once again. I truly struggle with my memory of these feelings (and wondered if I had exaggerated my parents lateness). These feelings reside deep within me and are not easily accessed. Like I wrote earlier, this search for understanding has sometimes led me astray — pushing me to believe something horrible MUST have happened to me. I think I need to accept that nothing terrible or traumatic happened but somehow my child-brain processed otherwise. This is very difficult for me to accept because I’ve spent a lifetime telling myself that there must be more, I couldn’t possibly be damaged from normal life stressors.

    Thank you Mimi. I agree with you that “what matters is the feeling”. Recently, I’ve tried to get comfortable with all of my feelings and stop pushing them away.

    If I am simply unable to connect with the reason for my jealousy/poor self-image, then what?

    #122209
    Mimi
    Participant

    amag wrote:
    “If I am simply unable to connect with the reason for my jealousy/poor self-image, then what?”

    I would just search this site and other places for general articles about improving your self-image. I’ve seen a lot of good ones, but I can’t remember where. This site probably has many of them.

    Try some of the strategies for learning to love and appreciate yourself more. You could try doing some visualization and self-talk, too. For example, when a self-doubting or jealous thought comes into your mind, stop and close your eyes (if possible), take a few deep breaths, visualize hugging or smiling with the person you are thinking about, then say some positive things to yourself, like about how much they do love you and care about you.

    I was trying to find articles on this site to help you, but I probably used the wrong words in the search. Along the way, I did see this book:

    Tiny Buddha’s Guide to Loving Yourself

    I’m not associated with this book or this site in any way, other than coming here to help myself with problems and inspiration, but maybe this book would be good. I’d order it myself right now, if I wasn’t so low on money.

    I hope these ideas help. I know it takes time and effort to get past some of these deep issues, but I’m sure you can do it!

    #122217
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear amag:

    I have no doubt a child can get very hurt by waiting for parents who are late showing up, again and again, watching the other kids being picked up while the waiting child is still waiting, and waiting.

    On the late parents end, they are busy, rushing, not enough time. Doesn’t seem like such a big deal.

    But it is a big deal for a child. Notice this: when your parents picked you up late, did they SEE how distressed you were? Did they see the tears in your eyes, did they see your flushed face, the great relief when you saw them?

    It is not just the being late, repeatedly. It is not seeing the distress of the child, day in and day out.

    Adult children often look for the horror-movie type traumatic even in childhood to explain their great distress. But it is my experience that a child unseen, distressed for a long time, unattended to for their childhood distress, uncomforted- that is enough to explain the anxiety and distress carried into adulthood.

    anita

    #122220
    Nina Sakura
    Participant

    Dear amag,

    Maybe it was something related to teens. Maybe part of you still aren’t confident about your own value. A lot of it also has to do with negative internal talk habit that has grown over the years. The source of this can be very hard to unearth in absence of obvious factors. I don’t think there is much point in processing every slip up by parents unless it was a major issue like abuse, extreme neglect. As adults, we are responsible for ourselves now and blaming them for minor things is rather immature after a point.

    Try this once though it makes you feel uncomfortable – at the right moment, mention this seemingly bothersome thing to one friend whom you know is a good listener. You just might be surprised if you open up to them because they know you better and you have a bond. Once in a while, we can say these bothersome things to our friends or close ones no matter how silly they seem to us.

    I had this feeling before. Once in a while I still do. Especially did so in college when someone randomly mentioned those all rounder students, when someone praised someone profousely in front of me. There were more instances but i remember these in particular.Even few of my friends admitted feeling jealous too over the smallest things – one even said she felt “jealous” and left out when I got my new boyfriend though it’s not she “loved” me or something. Rather she felt insecure about me being less available. That’s her and it’s okay. I was rather glad she shared this feeling. That she trusted me enough to share this. Oddly them admitting such things made me feel more normal and I stopped judging my own jealousy after a point. It somehow went away when i became more focused on what i loved about myself in my secret world – Sort of like bringing a vampire in direct sunlight and putting them on the sun. You know what happens when it ain’t a twilight movie.

    It sounds to me that you are gonna be alright. This isnt to say you don’t deserve to be heard – on contrary, that’s what I am saying – you need to be heard and not just here.

    What do you think?

    Regards

    Nina

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