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Just want to get it off my chest :-)

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  • #74685
    Irene74
    Participant

    Hello everyone I’m new to this forum!

    I’m 40 and have just ended an 18 year relationship…

    So for the past year probably I’ve been feeling really fed up and sometimes depressed mainly about my relationship. I won’t go too much into detail because it would take me a while, but I wasn’t happy with my (now ex) partner, the not being happy lasted a lot longer than a year! There were problems like he took me for granted, barely did anything around the house, didn’t get help for stress which he took out on me and in turn has made me stressed!

    This year came and I decided this couldn’t go on any longer and finally spoke to him about it all. I decided that I didn’t want to carry on, I was so scared speaking to him. It was horrible but he wasn’t angry at all and was very good about it. This was two weeks ago now. I’m now living with my parents again, he says he would like to keep the house on and give me my share.

    Has anyone been in this situation? I know I did the right thing but life feels so scary at the moment! I feel lost and like I don’t belong anywhere, I know it’s early days. I was expecting some relief but I still feel sick and I feel just as bad. It will pass won’t it? My friends have been great and mum and dad have been great letting me live here but I’ve no idea what I’m going to do next! Plus it’s so strange living here after 16 years away, I feel like I’m 24 again!

    Any advice would be appreciated but it’s good to get it out.

    Thank you 🙂

    • This topic was modified 8 years, 12 months ago by Irene74.
    #74705
    Saiisha
    Participant

    Hi Irene,
    My heart goes out to you during this difficult time. But it’s also a great positive move for you – it shows that you value yourself, that you have decided not to let someone else walk over you or disrespect who you are.

    A couple of suggestions:
    1. Whenever you let go of something that took up so much space in your life before, the first thing that you’ll notice is a big void. If you don’t honor that space and treat it as sacred, it will get filled in very quickly! So be very watchful of what / who you allow into that void.

    2. Even though you’ve moved out, there will be a period of time, as you transition into creating a new life for yourself, that you might get pulled back into your old life. For example, your might feel guilty about some aspects of it, or angry about some other parts of it. If you want to head over into a new area of your life, I’d say don’t pour any more energy into the life you let go. Just Let It Go Completely!

    3. Start pouring more energy into the kind of life you want to build for yourself – a life where you’ll honor yourself first, where you’ll give voice to your purpose, where you’ll start creating more peace and positive energy around you. Yes, that day will come – and very quickly too, if you’re open to it, and follow your instincts, as you’re doing right now!

    Good Luck with your journey!!

    #74729
    Irene74
    Participant

    Hi Salisha,

    Thank you for replying to me, your advice is much appreciated and very helpful 🙂

    I know what you’re saying is true it’s just at the moment I have trouble believing in myself and still feel bad for ending the relationship.

    I know that it was the best thing to do and it’s what I wanted but I expected some relief. I know in time that will change, it’s still early days and we were together a long time!

    I know I have a lot to look forward to and I should stop feeling bad, it took me a long time to build up the courage to speak to him! I need to stop getting upset too.

    Friends couldn’t believe I’d finally done it. One even said I never would and I would put up with it forever, which wasn’t very good to hear. Sometimes people don’t understand I guess.

    Thank you again 🙂

    #74732
    Saiisha
    Participant

    Good for you Irene! You are brave to be able to overcome your deepest fears and anxieties. These broken places are where the light gets in and we become the strongest (~Hemingway). So don’t feel guilty – just be kind to yourself. Take care of yourself. A year from now, you’ll see that you’re much nearer the person you’re meant to become. Good Luck!!

    #81116
    Irene74
    Participant

    Thank you so much Salisha, I haven’t been on here for so long and had no idea I had a message! Sorry for not replying before 🙂

    #81132
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Irene74:

    Since the time you ended the relationship did you have any moment at all when you felt relief? Is it that you did not feel any relief at all, or is it that your relief is temporary and you often feel stressed, regretful and just plain strange about the extreme changes in your life?

    The discomfort about such extreme CHANGES is acceptable and there is nothing you can do about it. Don’t panic or.. stop panicking about the discomfort, endure it and ride it out. Over time “the dust will settle” following this windstorm or tornado in your life.

    It is a neurological thing, literally, distressed neurons dealing with this change. You need to engage in calming activities, so to let the required time pass without catastrophizing, let it pass by let’s say watching lots of movies or listening to music or walking, or yoga, meditating or all of these. This is not the time to choose- your thinking is not clear, your view is covered with the dust that needs your calm so it can settle.

    Calm + Time and no major life decisions to make-

    And sooner than later, you will be in a position to move forward.

    anita

    #81133
    Anonymous
    Guest

    correction: The discomfort is EXPECTABLE (and hopefully acceptable, better accept the expectable and unavoidable)

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