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Let her go?

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This topic contains 371 replies, has 7 voices, and was last updated by Profile photo of anita anita 1 week, 3 days ago.

Viewing 15 posts - 331 through 345 (of 372 total)
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  • #124832
    Profile photo of anita
    anita
    Participant

    Dear blkhwkdwn1:

    You wrote that you don’t know if she meant that you come over too many times. I know- she couldn’t have meant that, not if her response to seeing you was as you reported: “Came in and she had the hugest smile on her face.. she awed and said so you feel better after talking?… We hugged for a good 35 seconds or so, even after I let go she just kept holding on so I kept hugging then”- she had the hugest smile and she kept holding on. This is not congruent with thinking something like: oh, you are here again?

    And remember, we both like her because she is authentic. I don’t think her smile or hug were fake. Maybe when she said you come here a lot, maybe she was worried that you spend too much money buying food and drink in the restaurant, maybe she is concerned about it. A possibility.

    anita

    #124835
    Profile photo of pete
    pete
    Participant

    Yeah it was probably nothing. Just thought that because last time we had a coffee she said for me to text every now and then, then she said that to me. Most likely just said that as a way to say I sure like the place. It’s good to know that she keeps in touch with me via text nearly as much as her family. One of the guys at work tells me she normally ignores his texts, told him she’s not much of a texter.

    #124837
    Profile photo of pete
    pete
    Participant

    Oh right, while I was at her work drinking that woman I met on the mountain a few years ago that told me “When you’re actually interested in anything I invite you to go with me to maintain a friendship let me know” a few days ago, weird she text me how things were after that text. She REALLY does not want to drop me from her life. Tells me I am so good to talk to, which lots of people seem to like talking to me and hanging around.

    #124838
    Profile photo of anita
    anita
    Participant

    Dear blkhwkdwn1:

    I relate: I too feel very comfortable, good actually, “talking” with you, that is, communicating with you here. I already shared that with you. So, yes, it is very nice. I think, again, it is about you being honest, straightforward, kind. Not pretentious, not manipulative… these are good, good things.

    anita

    #125146
    Profile photo of pete
    pete
    Participant

    So how is it going? husband should be back now. You still feeling down?

    Apparently she lost her purse and phone for 1 day only last weekend, got no response from her when I text her the other day thinking she lost her phone, but once again was ignoring me. God I hate that! I know she does not like to text, but I was just curious. Not once have I ignored her and it depresses me when she does that, which is a lot now. I phoned her earlier but she said she’s too tired from work so we will have to talk some other time. I know friendship is voluntary and she does not HAVE to even bother messaging me back but that’s what friends do, no? One of the guys she wants to have coffee with at my work he tells me he thinks she does not like him because she ignores his texts all the time now.

    Also lately I been thinking…when she does move, I might ask her if she wants to reconnect in 2-3 years down the road. She does her thing, I do my thing and maybe try and improve my life then try restarting the friendship again.

    #125174
    Profile photo of anita
    anita
    Participant

    Dear blkhwkdwn1:

    I am fine, thank you for asking. I’ve been fine before he returned and you were part of that, remember?

    I wish she responded to you every time or every day you texted her.

    My only comment about it, at this point, is my past suggestion that you ask her questions about her motivations in life; values, what she cares about, so that she feels that her friendship with you is valuable for her. It is not natural or sustainable for a person to do something with no consideration of self interest. Friendships and other relationships should be Win-Win prospects. She has to get something meaningful-to-her in return.

    Clearly she gets something in return from being helpful, but she needs more.

    Wish you could meet her one-to-one and be relaxed enough, in person, to get to know her better, to share more of you and invite her to share more about herself.

    Post here anytime- you will not be ignored by me.

    anita

    #125183
    Profile photo of pete
    pete
    Participant

    That’s good that you are fine, i’m glad!

    She text me this morning out of the blue giving me a link to a Mindfulness-Based Cognitive Therapy FB group that costs a lot of money but is a 7 week program. Next time i’m on the phone with her i’ll try asking those questions, thanks. Yes a friendship and a relationship are sorta similar in a way that you need to give value to that person and they need to give value back in return for things to change and grow, although I’ve been single all my life what do I know lol, but it’s my choice…like her, I don’t want to drown someone I care about in my problems, best to stay away from relationships until whenever I decide to change. If you don’t value eachother, nothing happens and it dies. What do you think of my plan when she moves away? reconnect in 2-3 years. Maybe in that time work on myself, then in that time when we reconnect we can hopefully be at better stages in our lives. Friendships don’t last forever, especially ones like we have where she’s trying to help me but I do nothing about what she suggests. It’s not that I don’t value her ideas, I am just in a place I’ve been for years where I guess you can call it my “perspective”, I see peoples ideas on what I should do but like always I just look at them, it’s become a habit to stay at a low place like this and no matter what people tell me I just can’t open my eyes to new ideas, it’s hard to explain really.

    I was kinda MIA for like 4 days in this thread, nothing happened in those days to post about except a lot of video games.

    #125185
    Profile photo of anita
    anita
    Participant

    Dear blkhwkdwn1:

    I thought about you while you were MIA, but I figured you will post when you want to- and you did.

    I don’t like the idea of disconnecting- I like the idea of connecting now and in the near future. I don’t think later, you will miraculously connect with her like an expert. Connect now in small ways- this is how you build… expertise in connecting, relating- through practice. Use this time, the present. Besides, if you disconnect, what will happen to our communication on this thread….?

    You don’t need to or have to follow her recommendations, what she thinks you should do, for example, to take psychiatric drugs. I repeatedly encouraged you to be your own man- you decide what you put in your body and what you do otherwise. The closeness I wish you have with her is not about you following her recommendation (becoming a vegan, gluten free, life force chakra man who does take psych drugs and shaves his beard)-

    the closeness I wish you have with her is that of two equal people interested in each other, showing empathy and respect to each other, asking questions, listening, supporting.

    anita

    #125192
    Profile photo of pete
    pete
    Participant

    Alright i’ll try staying in touch when she leaves. She’s not much for the psych drugs, when we went to the docs she wanted me to try CBD which is medical marijuana, which is what she takes. Small steps over time with the interactions.

    Happy Friday.

    #125194
    Profile photo of anita
    anita
    Participant

    Dear blkhwkdwn1:

    Happy Friday to you too. Medical marijuana, hmmm… don’t like the idea myself. But she is on it, wonder for what purpose. Yes, stay in touch and improve the touch. Not all keeping-in-touch is created equal you know.

    anita

    #125197
    Profile photo of pete
    pete
    Participant

    BLEH!!! Just downed a glass of water with a tablespoon of baking soda to calm my acid reflux. GROSS! Normally works when I try it the odd time.

    #125208
    Profile photo of anita
    anita
    Participant

    Dear blkhwkdwn1:

    The taste must be gone by now, more than three hours later. There are only a few things time heals, this is one of them.

    anita

    #125216
    Profile photo of pete
    pete
    Participant

    Yeah i’m fine now lol. Sent her a text just now “Hey, hope you had a better day at work if you went today and your brain was better :)” Yesterday she was too tired to phone me and said her brain is not working anymore lately. She responded saying “Was good..thanks pat!”. Maybe it’s because I like her more then I should but i’m finding it really hard being her friend…never see her, never know if she will ignore my texts to keep in touch, who knows if she’s going to call me, might be like her texts for all I know. It’s definatly not easy like it’s supposed to, dunno if I should even bother anymore. If I never text her again i’m 100% sure i’d never hear from her again.

    #125233
    Profile photo of anita
    anita
    Participant

    Dear blkhwkdwn1:

    If you don’t text her for a long time, I think you will hear from her again, just not as quickly as you would like. You do like her, a whole lot. By proxy I like her too; she is likeable. I wish you spent more time with her texting (since you feel comfortable texting), talking on the phone, and best- in person. I wish you could relax into this less amount and frequency that exists and stop torturing yourself going back and from the two extremes of having zero communication with her AND having the wished-for MORE of it. Accepting reality is best option for our mental well being.

    anita

    #125234
    Profile photo of pete
    pete
    Participant

    Man, I feel like I just want to get up and disappear from everything and everybody. Go some place quiet and not tell anyone, not even this woman. Then maybe one day 5-10 years down the road reconnect with a few people. Life feels like I’m living the same thing everyday. The same people, the same conversations, the same feelings, I can easily predict what will happen and it happens like clockwork, get treated the same way. Go start a new life away from everyone and everything in the middle of nowhere and work on myself.

Viewing 15 posts - 331 through 345 (of 372 total)

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