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LET HIM GO NOW OR WHAT?

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  • #142107
    perfect
    Participant

    hello  ,

    first of all i want to thank all of Admins or site members,who give their opinion about our problems.honestly it helps alot..it means alot to me specially.

    i want to share my story here may be i ll find a way for me .and can take a better decision.

    i am female  and i am now 21 years old ,i came in europe for studying medicine.

    today i want to write here about my and a boy relationship ,lets suppose his name as ‘ B’.so B has many good qualities he loves me like no other person can ever love me like him but on the other side i cant tolerate some of his attitude .

    he left me before 15 days as usual and always come back .but i am confused should i let him go forever this time or patch up with him .which we did 7 to 8 times in last 5 years..as somehow my family dont want me to leave him as he is a doctor and respects others alot and he was my eldest sis student too.

    i want to share here how i met him what happened so that u can better understand my situation.

    when i was 13 years old i was in a language school .i fall in love first time with a guy and he loved me too.we were in  relationship.he treated me too good..we couldnt talk to each other because my sis came to know about my relationship with him so for communication we used to write letters everyday.we wanted to marry .and B was his friend that time and he knew about our relationship.B used to call me his sister .we were like SISTER BROTHR in starting.(it is common in Asia ).my bf went to uk for studying medicine (he is also a doctor in UK now) .he came in his semester break back to country after 18 months .he was too busy he didnt have time for me and he broke up .i begged  him too much and weeped like hell ,tried to commit suicide but failed.i was 15 years old innocent girl that time.couldnt bear that shock.i was in relationship but i even dint even know about word SEX .

    well after 15 days of break up i cut all contacts with him .2 months passed  .i was not over with break up iwas broken hearted ,.i was talking to B ,i told him about breakup and about my EX,then B was  indirectly  showing interest in me by saying ,that his mom finding a girl and he want to marry a girl like me ,intelligent beautiful well behaviour etc.

    i replied,if he is interestd in me ? he rep ,yes ..i was 15 i thought he is nice there is no problem in it that time he was 19 yrs old . .

    after 1 day i replied ok i dnt have issue but he has to wait till i dont become a doctor .he agreed. but internally i had no feelings .i loved my ex and couldnt forget him

    but B was very nice he used to bring choclates flowers took me for dinner lunches everyday a new place .i was ok with these but still missed my ex badly .it is natural i know. but there was a big mistake in B whenever i said NO to him for anything he used to get angry sad or emotional.thus i was to afraid to say NO to him.he used to say if i leave him he ll commit suicide .sometime he switched off his mobile for 3 to 4 hours for small things SMALL ARGUMENTS  and i was full of tension .then he used to came back by saying he was near sea and was going to jump in water etc.he used to ask me what i can do for him or am i his?if he can touch my hand i used to say yes thn slowly slowly he asked if i am his than can he touch my vagina ?i had to say Yes bcz he would get angry or sad when i say somthing which he doesnt want to hear. .then B told me about SEX. i remmber we were in a garden at night 7.30 it was dark .he said that girls kiss penis ..i was uncomfortable with these thing .he asked will i kiss his penis ?i said ok then it was a public garden i was feeling terrible bcz i dnt knw wt i m doing i kissd it by the way bt he askd to take tht in mouth …at early age it was shock for me .

    when i denied to hug him in lift then he used to talk rubbish with me that i dont want to b touched ,or i dont love him etc ,

    he asked me to go with him in a flat which i dint want and then he commited he ll not do any thing with me ,..when i went with him he came over me was touching me and took off my shirt etc ..i was being victim .but i couldnt resist bcz he would get angry and switch off his mble to make me tense by saying for commiting suicide etc …even couldnt leave him bcz he would kill himself.then i asked him i dont want to go in flat i said sorry .because i  was religious girl.and and afraid of GOD ..our relationship came in down phase .he taunt me or fought with me etc ..i was just fed up with him.i wanted to break up .and i did so but my sister knew about our relationship.she used to say me he is good person .each time i wanted to break up my family tortured me .i remmber last time before 1 year when we broke up but my sisters tortured me i couldnt use mobile ,each time i wanted to type a text but my sis asked whom i am texting etc.

    he used to taunt me about my ex.he had my fb account password .and my account was mostly open in his mobile i had no pravicy .once i talked to my ex on fb and after that mostly he doubt that i talk to my ex .or boys .there are many other things.it ll be too long if i write everythng here.

    but on the other side he loves me also alot.when i was ill.he used to take me to doctor best doctor of my city for check up with his money.spent money for me .sometimes send for me epnsive mobiles gifts etc.he had always time for me .always there for me ,also fiancially.

    my family think i am lucky to have him.but how i am going through my life no one wants to understand…he is very nice as a person but the relationship i am having with him isnt healthy i know.each time we broke up,when i commited to somone els and B came again after sometimes saying he loves me and etc..as i came in europe i m too busy bcz of different life style .almost every day when we talkd there was a fight because he thinks i am very much changed from last 2 years and he is right i dont waant to be emotionally black mail now and i am growing up not more that 15 yrs of girl who ll do everything what he wants or  will say what he wants to hear.i lost myself being with him bcz i was never me when i used to be with him,i was a person as he wanted to see me .

    he wanted to have  sex with me while  i dint want but i was emotionally blackmailed and had sex at age 17 .he said me that we are going to get engaged that time befor sex and his father is agreed about our relationship he used to tell stories that he talked to his father about me and his father responces and after two days their parents ll cm in my house for our purposal .but after 2 days he told me while weeping that his father dont even know me and thy refused to come and they said after one year thy ll cm fr purposal.

    i was totally hurt but what  could i say to that person who is already weeping infront of me .and those all stories were FAKE!!! couldnt believe…

    he used to break up mostly and come back or used to drink or said he is using drugs .or he was in hospital.or he was ill..and reason is ME .

    before 15 days he texted me that he is going away bcz i dnt have anytime for him etc .and closed his whatsapp account .yestrday he came again by saying he wanted to check my reaction and he loves me .he wants to patch up with me and with some emotionally black mailing but now i dont care.i dint respond him much  ,i m done with thIS drama.he says i dont love him the way he does..now i doubt he is right ..

    .at age 18 i was in depression bcz of my life .i used to be alone and dint talk to ANY body ..and i think thats somehow bcz of this relationship..

    sometime i think i have also a life apart from this relationship .i want to live my life..what to do ?where to go ?what should  i  do ?

    i am waiting for ur responce .THANK YOU

     

     

    #142109
    Craig
    Participant

    Hi perfect,

    I can’t answer your questions about what to do, or where to go. Only one person can. I think those have to come from inside you.

    I can share what it looks like to me, having read your post. I see this guy bullying you, by threatening you with his anger, his silences, and with the threat of killing himself. That doesn’t sound like love, to me. Over on your side, I see you letting him bully you, instead of standing up for yourself or walking away.

    You can control what YOU do, but you can’t control what HE will do.

    I’d suggest you get to work on yourself, knowing your self, owning your self, owning your power. This may be a new way to think about it. I think you don’t want to go on as things are, or else you wouldn’t have posted this.

    #142143
    Mallika Goyal
    Participant

    Leave him and run for your life.. do not let him ruin your whole life..

     

    #142169
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear perfect:

    Is this man the same man you shared about in your previous threads?

    If so, there is no doubt this man is abusive and that you should cut all contact with him, like I suggested in your previous threads. You gave more evidence in this thread why that would be a good decision on your part.

    You wrote: “my family think I am lucky to have him”- either your family/sister don’t know him (in that case you can tell them what you shared about him in these threads on this website in the last three months) OR

    They know or don’t care to know who he is because all they care about is that he is a medical doctor and has spent money on you. Maybe that is all that matters to them.

    What matters to you is to experience physical/ mental health. This man has been and is hurting your health. It is your responsibility, your job to promote and protect your health. When a person is hurting your health, your job is to protect yourself from that person-

    – no matter what your family thinks you should do-

    so, protect yourself and … this time, do cut all contact with him.

    anita

     

    #142205
    perfect
    Participant

    dear anita,

    no he is nt the same man i shared about in my previews threads,

    as i wrote “.each time we broke up,when i commited to somone els and B came again after sometimes saying he loves me and etc”

    he was someone else with whom i commited when B broke up but after somemonths B come agaiin as usual ,,,

     

    dear anita u are right i should tell everything to my family but they already know these ,each time they were pressuring me ,i told them what he does .but they dont admit his fault because he is too nice to them,,

    .regards drinking  we had fight and i ignored him   ( in our community DRINKING and DRUGS usage is too bad )  he sent me alcohol bottles that he ll drink bcz of me and i ignored this after 2 hours he started sending texting as he is drunk and using odd language , my another sis who is in my favor talked to all my family about his drinking ,but my eldest sis reply that her husband used to drink when he was young  there is no such problem in it and B is very nice according to them but suprisingly after 6 months he told me he never drunk ever ,then i was supprised that he was blackmailing me giving me tension only ..i got angry and said him” shame on you”by my saying this he become sad ..again start blackmailing me by taking fault on himself..

    my supportive sis is my best friend i share everything with her ,i shared everything to her apart from physical contact which he did with me .i am scared to share about SEX .bcz its not acceptable in my culture before marraige…

     

    i want to add here B convinced my family to let me study in ABROAD..BUT

    i just regret about one thing that at the age of 15 my word” YES ” to him is a biggest mistake of my life .that wasnt my age of being in a relationship that was my time to enjoy my teenage 🙁

    he thinks i am changed bcz i no more care the way i did …AND I am done with his blackmailing ,iam mo more scared of him

    i want freedom i dont want to spend my life with my childish mistake any more ..i know he is very kind hearted ,very nice with others ,very helping but may b we are not for each other…

    regards

    xxx

    #142209
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear perfect:

    My strong recommendation: end all contact with B. He is guilty of mistreating you, repeatedly, sexually, emotionally.

    You wrote about (most of) your family: “each time they were pressuring me (to get together with B), I told them what he does, but they don’t admit his fault because he is too nice to them.”

    Your family members who want you to date/ get married with him because he is nice TO THEM, because he is a Medical Doctor in the UK, because he may spend money on them- well, let THEM date him; let them expose themselves to his sexual and otherwise emotional abuse (suicide threats, blackmailing, etc).

    Do what is right for you, protect yourself from abuse.

    anita

    #142815
    perfect
    Participant

    hallo anita ,

    i have cut all contacts with him no more in contact .but i am afraid that if i am making right decision.will i ever get someone who ll love me better then him although he is a abuser (emotionally ).

    i am scared of loneliness…i was never single before after my 13 yr old,

    why deep inside me ,i am afraid and scared ,if i am not having any lose by leaving him.is that normal ?

    regards

    #142817
    perfect
    Participant

    hallo Craig,

    thank you so much for ur comments.yah u are right i have to bring changes in my self.owing my power .i am working on myself ..

    regards

    xxx

    r

    #142839
    JayJay
    Participant

    Oh please, please, my darling girl, do not ever contact this man again. He is a predator, a user and a bully. He has manipulated you, a girl much younger than himself, and who had no defence against such a dark person. He has taken advantage of your younger years to manipulate you into doing things you don’t want to do. By any and every means possible for him to use.

    Stay single for a while. Get to know yourself through yourself. You are terribly young, and you will get over this. This man has been selfishly manipulating you and you have been brainwashed into not being true to yourself. Your family only see the best side of him, you know differently. Take no notice of what your family thinks, you know this man better than they ever will.

    He is a predator and he has stalked and groomed you. There are laws against that.

    Of course you will meet someone much better! Don’t even doubt it. You are not alone just because you don’t have a man. You have friends, you have family. Your family will get over it in time, and in time you will maybe be able to tell them what he was really like, and how he treated you. Until that time, be true to yourself. You will eventually find someone who will love, honour and respect you.

    ~With best wishes and sending you love and light.

    jayJay.

    #142863
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear perfect:

    You wrote: “I have cut all contacts with him”- very good. Please keep no contact.

    You wrote: “but I am afraid… will I ever get someone who will love me…I am scared of loneliness… why deep inside me, I am afraid and scared… is that normal?”

    I am thinking that when you were a child, much younger than 13, and all through your childhood, you did not receive loving attention by your parents and you were alone a lot. It is scary for a child to be unloved and alone. Children need love no less than they need food. The fear you feel now is the same fear as then.

    The solution to that fear, that loneliness, is not in reconnecting to that abusive man. The solution is not in reconnecting to any person in your life who was not there for you, parents included. The solution is to seek the company of people who are respectful and kind to you, and with those people only.

    anita

     

    #144275
    perfect
    Participant

    hallo anita,

    yah i m scared of being alone and yah u are right .i was alone in my childhood.i was always in search of my family and peoples attention . my mom loved me alot and people and my family were somehow jealous of that love.my every naughty behaviour was considered as misbehaving .

    i felt as no body loves me .and sometime i wished to die in my child at age 7 to 10 while crying alone .there were many reason of that ,

    1.i was youngest one in my family with 1 brother and 8 sisters .and i was consider as extra by my family apart from my dad and mom.i saw my mom she loved me more then other siblings .

    2.my dad was fiancially very weak ,but he wanted us(me and my sistrs) to get education .but my mom’s cousins  and my aunties dint give any importance because of our fiancial situation .

    i saw peoples behaviour with me and  with my other cousins of my age .there was always big difference.i was always so schocked that money  can make so much difference.

    i dont remember well i was 9 or 11 when my dad was suffering from ALZEIHMER DISEASE .thats why i dont remmeber any good memories of my Dad .and he passed away when i was 17 – 18..

    something  my childhood taught me,i know now how much it hurts to have a unloved childhood,where with ur every naughty act no one laugh but they will only scold u or beat u .

    i have  nieces and nephews .some have good fianciall condition other doesnt but i always try to behave equally ,even sometime more polite with weaker one.because i dont want to give them same childhood like mine .

    i just remember one thing of my dad he made me self independent .

    .i see people who wish to go back into their CHildhood but i never want to go ..i love my present myself.i do study ,go for work to finance myself .dont want to have that childhood .

    onething more i want to add here ,when i was 8 i was playing near my home ,i became a victim of a man.he wanted to rape me may be but he couldnt do that because he listened someone foot voice walking to that street where he was forcefullly trying to insert his fingers in my body part (Vag…a).and his second hand was on my mouth almost, also on my nose nostrills, i couldnt shout because of pain and it was also difficult for me to breath .i was weeping and escaped finally .i couldnt understnd that what was happening with me and why he did like that.i never said anyone in my family about what happend with me.

    i reconize that person and my whole family also .but i never dared to speak .

    at age 10 my aunty”s son he was 28 years old  scolded me and said dont come outside and stay inside house .i was scared and had to sit home .then i left going outside .he himself is characterless he used to purpose every girl even my sisters for marraige .he is still single .

    i wrote here a week before but i cant find my post now .and i was waiting for reply..well leave that.sorry my english isnt that much good because i left using it.

     

    regards

    xxx

     

    #144283
    perfect
    Participant

    is my childhood responsible for my today self?that i dont want to stay single or anything else?

     

    #144285
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear perfect:

    I understand you not wanting to go back to your childhood. I wouldn’t want to go back to my childhood! It is important to stay away in our present lives from situations like those we had when we were children. For example, to stay away from abusive people, or people who don’t respect us. If you were treated as less-than because your immediate family had less money than others (if I understood you correctly, I am not sure)- then, as an adult, stay away from people who look down at people with less money.

    And again, keep that abusive relationship in the past. Seek the company of respectful, kind people.

    anita

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