December 7, 2016 at 2:41 pm #122197
Thank you, anita.
Your words do help. I’ve been telling the same thing to myself and I’m beginning to feel a bit better. I keep telling myself that my very shame is a good sign: it means my current moral standards are sufficiently good for me to recognize that what I did was deplorable. It’s a bit hard to separate “what I did” from “I am”, though, and I end up saying that “I am deplorable”.
I do think that I’m forgiving myself slowly. I was a very different person back then, and besides, I was consumed by a very primitive feeling in me. However, I can’t stop thinking about “what would people think if they knew?”, no matter how much I try to tell myself that it’s fine, that the most important thing is for me to be at peace with myself. But then I start thinking about my love for cats and animals in general (I’m vegan), and if people knew of what I did, what would they think of that love? Would they think I’m just messed up in the head, even if they are not at all related?
Thank you again. I really needed to get this out of my chest and I appreciate you taking your time to read and reply, even though it might be very hard to do sometimes. I wish you all the good in the world.December 7, 2016 at 5:22 pm #122210
A few thoughts I have reading your last post:
1. The people you worry about, if the knew what you did, what would they think of you… The thing is you don’t know what they did, or do, in their lives, what secrets they keep. You assume they didn’t do anything they are ashamed of, that you are the exception. What if every single individual has done something he/ she is ashamed of or was ashamed of… I think this is the case.
2. Regarding having done a deplorable act vs having been deplorable: the difference I think between the two is that a person is deplorable if their act is so horrendous in its destruction and/ or the deplorable act is being repeated. If a person repeats a deplorable act again and again, he or she may be deplorable.
3. Because of the sexual nature of the act, I recommend you don’t share this with people in your life. Once you tell it, you can’t un-tell it. A story like this sticks in people’s mind and that won’t do you or them justice. Keep it to yourself; if you need talk to a therapist where it remains confidential.
Glad you feel better. Please do forgive yourself for this one time act of long ago,
December 7, 2016 at 7:18 pm #122223
- This reply was modified 2 months, 2 weeks ago by anita.
Thank you very much anita. Your points make a lot of sense to me. I’ll try to deal with it myself, and see a therapist if necessary. Honestly, just typing down my thoughts here has helped. Of course, your helpful advice has also been very soothing for my anxiety over this. It was beginning to mix with my obsessive-cumpulsive thoughts and it was getting unbearable. Being able to pour it out of my brain was very good for me.
In the end, what matters is that I know what I did was wrong, that my mistake does not make me evil or wretched and that I’m aware that my current morals are completely unaligned with those actions… right? That’s what I’ve been telling myself all day… That I’m a different person now. I’ve already forgiven my self of doing other equally terrible acts (of non-sexual nature) in the past. Forgiving and letting go of this one is being a bit harder though.
I know I already said this, but thank you. You have no idea how much I appreciate your advice and your kind words. Many blessings to you.December 7, 2016 at 7:46 pm #122224
You are welcome and thank you for your good wishes. Let go of this one. There will be more mistakes, more choices to regret later as perfection is impossible. Focus on Progress, learn and become wiser. Become… lessstroubles.
anitaDecember 8, 2016 at 11:35 am #122294
Thank you so much, anita! Today I feel much, much better! I am incredibly grateful for your advice and your time.
I will indeed try to become lesstroubles, hahaha! That actually made me laugh!
May you live in safety and peace.December 8, 2016 at 6:40 pm #122306
You are welcome, lessstroubles. May you live in safety and peace as well!
anitaJanuary 2, 2017 at 8:07 pm #124382
I am new here. I have OCD and am having a really hard time with a childhood memory. I know with OCD I’m supposed to accept uncertainty and just sit with the anxiety, but I am really having a hard time with my memory. I have a vague? Memory of babysitting when I was a teenager. I think my friend was with me and JT was a little girl who was 2 I think. I remember changing her diaper and us saying we wanted to look at her genitals and count the holes. This was 20 years ago and I don’t remember exactly what happened, but just having the memory of wanting to check out/ checking out the girls genitals is making me feel horrible and that I have to do something now to make it right by her. Please help me work through this! Thank you!January 3, 2017 at 12:48 am #124391
When you and your friend babysat the two year old twenty years ago, did any of you DO something to her that caused her any pain or fear?
Our behaviors can hurt others, not our thoughts. OCD is about believing that our THOUGHTS in themselves can hurt us or others. But thoughts are mental events, happening in split seconds in our brains. You can think anything at anytime, but what you think doesn’t make itself happen. We are not guilty for what we think or feel because our thoughts and feelings just happen. In a court of law people are prosecuted for what they DO, not for what they THINK or FEEL.
anitaJanuary 3, 2017 at 4:57 am #124404
Thank you Anita. The part I’m apprehensive about is if we “checked out” her genitals. What if we spent too much time looking at them/touching them just out of curiosity while we changed her?January 3, 2017 at 8:45 am #124419
It was wrong of the two of you to look there or touch her more than was necessary for the changing of the diaper alone. Your curiosity itself (a thought+ feeling) was not wrong. The right behavior was not to accommodate the curiosity by checking via looking or touching.
It is done, obviously. Now that it is done, and the looking and possible superficial touching is not something the baby will remember in any way, not if it was superficial, not painful, not scary. Therefore it will be a bad idea to let that adult know of that incident so long ago.
This is your current OCD obsession. If you resolve this one, there will be others. The core belief behind these obsessions is that you are a bad person, isn’t it so?
anitaJanuary 3, 2017 at 1:32 pm #124437
Thank you Anita. Very good points!January 3, 2017 at 1:41 pm #124438
Anita — asked on the fact that this is an obvious OCD obsession would you advise that I accept the uncertainty that I don’t know exactly what happened and cannot be certain. Accept that it was a long time ago when I was a child and although I really think we didn’t hurt her or cause her pain or scare her etc I still can’t be certain about that. I should love with the uncertainty and accept it for what it is and move on instead of trying to remember and resolve this? Accept that I am human and the girl who was a baby wouldn’t remember any of this?January 3, 2017 at 1:55 pm #124439
If you and your friend looked for longer than required, but just looked, and otherwise did not cause the child pain or fear, as wrong as it was, there is no way the child was affected by it in any way. Nor would she remember it in any way.
Such curiosity as you experiences is so very common in children/ teenagers, being curious about the private parts. If those were not private, there wouldn’t be much curiosity.
I suppose it is a good idea, with children as is age appropriate, for a parent, to show a child an anatomically correct doll and in a casual, matter of factly tone of voice and expressions, show the child the different parts, to ease such curiosity. You can do that with your own child one day, perhaps.
OCD itself, from which I suffered for fifty years (!) is about that fear circulating in the brain. The rational part of the brain, as the excess fear circulates, is trying to find the Problem (danger), so to solve it and in so doing, resolve that circulating fear, kind of wanting to put the fear to rest by resolving the danger.
So the rational brain tries to remember the problem/ danger, scanning memory, finds this or that and figures (in this case)- if I contact that baby and find out she is okay, then I wouldn’t be afraid anymore, that I did something wrong. Or if I find someone to reassure me that I didn’t cause damage, I wouldn’t be scared anymore.
Unfortunately, the fear will still circulate, sooner or later, and the same problem or another will be located and examined over and over again (obsession).
OCD is not necessarily a lifetime sentence, I have been finding out. If you attend competent psychotherapy to examine the origin of the excessive fear, gain insight and learn skills, the OCD will calm down and maybe be gone completely.
anitaJanuary 3, 2017 at 3:06 pm #124445
Thanks Anita! I’m working on a self help book now and it is definitely helping. I also take medication.January 3, 2017 at 6:09 pm #124453
You are welcome, Michelle. Post again if you’d like, and share what you learned from that book. What medication, by the way/ how long?