July 27, 2013 at 8:12 am #39278
Me and my guy who I really love and care about had to recently end things because of the long distance between us wasn’t working out. I’m taking every day at a time and I know I have to be patient because my feelings for him won’t go away over night. In fact, I even canceled a visit to him (he was still was more than ok with me coming to see him) to start the healing process, the process of letting go. Even though I am doing the best I can, I still would love to get some tips for daily things I can do to start to let go, to not live in the past, and to begin to move on. Any suggestions?July 27, 2013 at 8:42 am #39281
Time is a healer of all things. While time is passing, use distraction. Throw yourself into your life. Don’t isolate yourself, don’t spend time re-living and going over things in your head. Get out. Volunteer. Go to the gym. Be with your friends and family. Journal. Read. Work. Anything to keep one foot in front of the next.
And also… at the end of the day, allow yourself to feel the grief, because that’s what it is. This is a loss in your life and you need to go through the grieving process just like with any loss. Take care of yourself… if you love tea, buy some nice tea and a tea cup and enjoy it. If you love movies, watch your favorite ones. If you love nature, take yourself out in it. Be your own best friend, your own lover.
And question: what is stopping your from moving closer to him? Is your love and his love greater than the obstacles of moving? If so, then you’re right… the letting go must begin. You are smart to cancel a visit. Anything that delays the grieving and healing process is no different than picking off a scab and then complaining that you’re wound isn’t healing. It will only leave a bigger scar.
July 27, 2013 at 8:55 am #39284
- This reply was modified 3 years, 9 months ago by Laney A..
In addition to Laney’s heartfelt advice, consider that grieving also requires space. Sometimes when we stub our toe we will beat on our leg or bite our finger to distract us from the overwhelming quality of the feelings in the toe. This is normal and fine when it is so potent we can’t think to do anything else, but it is also not really doing anything for the toe.
Instead what we can do is self-nurture. This varies for each of us, but doing things like taking a candle lit bath, going on nature walks, meditation, talking with trusted friends about our feelings… this allows us to have the space inside that let’s the pain be real, but also allows the pain to subside. Said differently, when we embrace the truth of who and where we are, we are taking the toe into our hands and helping it feel better.
MattJuly 27, 2013 at 2:16 pm #39287
Thanks everyone. That was great advice.
Laney, as far as us moving closer is concerned, I was hired at an amazing job before we even started dating. Both of us are young recently out of college and as much as I love him there is no way I would have given up my job which I worked very hard to get. In fact, we knew that I would be leaving soon but, our feelings for each other grew stronger, and we tried to make it work. I really believe that at this point in my life we just aren’t meant to be together. And the hardest part is that when we were together it was the best relationship I had ever had.
Laney, I also really liked what you said about allowing myself to grieve although, I am at peace with the decision and I have accepted it, I am still letting go of something that was a huge part of my life. Often I have been ashamed that I don’t just bounce back from things. I am beginning to see there is no shame in that. That it will take some time.
I’m really happy to say that I am instead of visiting him going home for a week and being with my family and enjoying life as much as possible, I am taking the time to self nurture myself. I know that the Universe has plans for me that I don’t even remotely know about and that everything will be the way it’s meant to be. If me and him are meant to cross paths again we will and if we aren’t we won’t and that’s ok. That doesn’t change the amazing memories and lessons that I can walk away from this with.July 27, 2013 at 5:41 pm #39289
I find it all very almost impossible, The keys are: can you handle the problems of this relationship? Are you seeing the disparity correctly? Can you reconcile your differences?. Was this relationship tenable from the start? Is love of this person clouding reality and can you ask your partner ‘Just exactly what is your reality of the situation?” Do you believe along with them if they do also, that” I care for you and I will do everything possible to sustain this relationship because it is vital to my life and you are the one I want to try to spend my life with. What is your answer? Mine is if you have TOO MUCH experience with all this you will never ,ever be satisfied with any one thing or person. QUESTION: WHO DO YOU LOVE? WHAT DO YOU LOVE? Are you too experienced to find anything ever good enough for very long and WHY? Find someone who has a good heart is strong ,loyal, and steadfast. If you have too much experience and have been given the message that nothing or NO one will ever be good enough you are doomed.August 2, 2013 at 6:41 am #39583
If the decision was mutual, and if you are absolutely sure there’s no way you are going to give up your job to move closer to him (or vice versa), then completely ending things would be the way to focus on your career.
I can imagine what’s going on through your head; the hope of reuniting, the possibility of hanging in there until something out of the blue happens that would get you both together, etc.
Either you both can make a conscious choice to remain connected (for however long it takes) to find a way to reunite or completely drop this. Remember, friends can become lovers but lovers can hardly be friends without hurting.
August 2, 2013 at 12:32 pm #39620
- This reply was modified 3 years, 8 months ago by Lohan.