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Loneliness and relationships

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This topic contains 3 replies, has 4 voices, and was last updated by Profile photo of Christine Christine 23 hours, 37 minutes ago.

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  • #145911
    Profile photo of Kat
    Kat
    Participant
    • Hi

    Basically I am lonely . I am 27, living at home . I am really trying to better myself (getting a job etc.). What I really crave is stability , a solid relationship a couple of nice friendships etc .

    I want a romantic relationship . I am trying online dating as everyone I know is in a relationship .Basically it’s not going well, no dates .

    Anyway …

    is there anyway I can accept my loneliness ? I am trying hard to meet people etc . but I get a lot of disappointments . For example I go out and don’t meet anyone or not much interest online dating .

    I am so jealous of others / everyone I know who is in a relationship . They say they would hate to be single like me .

    i feel disappointed as I started life with much promise but I am so unhappy about my relationships ( or lack of )

    Thanks

     

     

     

     

    • This topic was modified 1 week, 3 days ago by Profile photo of Kat Kat.
    #145951
    Profile photo of Inky
    Inky
    Participant

    Hi Kat,

    It is natural to want to be in a relationship. It is also natural to spend more time single than with a partner. Even those who are happily married have found themselves alone before their spouse and may be alone after their spouse has gone. So view this time as a course in being happy with your own company!

    I’ve found it best to have your friends, family and any group you’re a part of set you up on dates. They know you best of all, and the person you end up going out with will treat you with some interest and respect. And if it doesn’t work out, they may know someone.

    Also, when you “try to meet people” the energy can come across as repelling. (You already gave friends/family permission to set you up!) It is best to go to a club to drink and dance, go to a party to socialize and go to a concert to hear the music, not because you have another agenda. Let the Universe do its job. It knows you want to be in a relationship.

    So sit back and let yourself be wooed!

    Best,

    Inky

    #146207
    Profile photo of Rich
    Rich
    Participant

    Dear Kat,

    Accepting loneliness is something I too am struggling with, the silver lining for me is that loneliness is something that makes spending time with people that much more significant and enjoyable. Even in relationships people often feel lonely because they are not truly connected and vulnerable with that other person, sometimes people hide their feelings in hopes that the other might not leave, and end up miserable with each other.  I know I have felt and behaved like this, in my only long term relationship thus far, and intend never to do it again.

    I’ve recently had to quit my full time job to attend grad school, and didn’t realize how much I was depending on work to fill the void so to speak. That being said in the past month I have really connected with myself and was able to let go of some of the shameful feelings around loneliness. How I’ve managed to cope with it is by accepting that there’s nothing wrong with me, that my feelings of loneliness are a bit of an illusion, because in reality i’m not as lonely as I think I am, I just don’t always reach out to others out of fear. I also have this continual error in thinking that romance will solve everything. Since I’ve stopped viewing loneliness as a problem and more as an opportunity to pay attention to the things I was telling myself, I have become more self-compassionate.

    I hoped some of that helped, what kinds of thoughts do have around you’re loneliness? what are you telling yourself?

    Rich

    #147231
    Profile photo of Christine
    Christine
    Participant

    Hi Kat!  wow I will be typing things that drove me nuts to hear when I was lonely in my twenties. But some things I will type would not have driven me nuts – I did them and they helped me immensely!!! So I hope the same goes for you …

    First, the stuff I was told that drove me nuts but wound up being absolutely true:

    When we look outside ourselves for the source of satisfaction and comfort – in this case it’s connectedness or unloneliness – we are forever waiting for satisfaction, aren’t we?  If the outer world does not give us what we want, we remain empty… we wait… we do not accumulate any life experience… we do not grow… we are busy focused on what we do not have.

    What about what you have inside?  What about your talents?  The talents that will allow you to, say, feel connected with others in a deep and meaningful way other than sexually or romantically?  Do you enjoy, say, art?  What about auditing for free an art appreciation class at community college?  Maybe ask… how can I be better company to myself?  What can I do with my time that will help me to connect with meaningful things?  What brings you happiness?

    I recommend also… maybe revisit the assumption that to be in a relationship equals non-loneliness.  Sit on a park bench maybe on a Saturday and watch couples!!  And people in general!  How many people are really beaming with joy?  How many seem really connected to one another? Maybe they are preoccupied with taking care of a child… maybe they are looking away from each other.  Maybe they are walking fast.  Better yet try this at an expensive restaurant!! You may see through the veneer of everything seeming rosy.  There are periods of deep loneliness and despair in almost every marriage I have encountered.  I am 50 years old, and in my married life, three years in a row were spent by myself experiencing spiritual highs that brought only yawns to my spouse when all I wanted to do was to make wild passionate love under the moonlight and dance in the stars. What can I say? Loneliness is part of life.

    I learned to love myself because he was absent. I learned to be my own best friend. I learned what I was not loving – which was nearly all of me. I thought I liked myself well enough – I mean, we all act as if we are well hinged, right?  But really… very few of us truly embrace ourselves with total love and compassion.

    So I recommend above and beyond all things to look deeply … look past the illusion of exterior forms and how things seem. Get in touch with the parts of you that hurt… the parts of you that are interested in things … the parts of you that might want to learn new things … and get out of the comfort zone that sees love as masculine-feminine or relationship-based. Hold the door open for old people! Ask someone if they need help if you see them with a wheelchair! See and get in touch with the giving parts of yourself … allow yourself to be luxuriously loving!!! Be not afraid to do things that you normally would not do. All this gets you in touch with your own heart, your own loving kind nature.

    Every moment is a relationship: you and the world. Every moment. Every moment is the chance to connect deeply. When you listen to the heart’s desire to share, ask it, “How may I share you in this moment?” and then you will begin to notice small ways that you can add joy to other peoples’ day.  As you do this, you feel an incredible happiness… an abundance of well-being fills inside you: You know yourself now to be a loving kind person! And from this, you glow and radiate positive energy … and like attracts like… and life becomes one glorious carousel of love.  You don’t need a man (or woman) to bring you connectedness. All you need is two arms, two legs, heartbeat and breath.  How fortunate that you have these!

    Don’t hold back! Live! Be the flower growing in the sunlight … feel the passion of life as you begin to unfold the hidden parts of you, that were too shy to open and bud before… or maybe were hidden under some insecurity … or that maybe you didnt even know was there!  Be not afraid to extend to the unknown.  You dont need a gym or bar to meet people. You can be kind to the kids at the laundromat… you can volunteer to sit with old people in nursing homes who are just so lonely and would be so happy to see you!! (I did this and it was one of the biggest joys of my life – I have had almost no source of external love in my entire life, there being so much abuse in my family … to be with old people and stroke their hair, or read them stories, or just listen to theirs was so wonderful!! It was like having 100 grandparents! hehehe)  All this is meaningful.  You may think its crazy… but its not. At some time, you will be old. At some time, maybe, unable to hold a door open. All these things that you do for others? You do for you – you do because you are human … and because above all, love is what we are here to do – and it does not require one object of affection to exist.

    Since that period of loneliness in my marriage, I feel more love than ever. And I dont care if I don’t get it back from any one source – it comes back at me from all directions all the time. There is no end to love and connectedness… we simply have to take a few action steps and trust, that’s all!

    Now that I typed all this out (sorry for the length) I see I wrapped up both the stuff that would have driven me nuts and the stuff I actually did all together! hahaha But I think I did a decent job of expressing it so that it seems doable, and also, really, the only way to go: unless you are happy sitting and waiting for a mirage to show up.

    When we are no longer lonely, doors fly open faster than you can marvel.  It’s just a question of taking a deep breath and finding ways to express your interests, exploring the things that bring wonder to you – and being present as you do them – see how others react with happiness at being cared for, and let those feelings fill you with joy.

    Every blessing and sorry for being repetitive!!! 😀 😀

     

     

     

     

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