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Losing it all, tough journey back

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  • #65046
    graffinLA
    Participant

    First post here, I’ve gotten a lot of help from the posts on this site.

    I didn’t have the best childhood. Father was a drug addict, mom did her best to support us but lost jobs frequently and I never felt truly safe. So, I coped by ignoring everything around me and recognized that if I just put faith in myself, everything would work out fine.

    And it did! I kicked ass in college, got a really fun job working with some of my best friends, met a great girl. I also traveled all over the world for my career too. Things just kept getting better and better. Of course, I demanded a very high level of functioning from myself, and ended up getting into a habit of chugging energy drinks during the day, and using pot at night to calm down.

    One night, it all came to a crashing halt as I had a terrible panic episode. I quit the caffeine and marijuana after that, but the damage was done. It shook me up so much that I developed panic disorder. After months of struggling to keep my job I decided to try medication, had bad reactions to all of them, came back to work anyway. After months of not sleeping and eating, I couldn’t focus on anything and was completely exhausted. I couldn’t get out of bed. I had to give up my job.

    Recovery has not been easy. I have worked with a therapist to come to terms with my childhood, which has been enlightening. But I now have a son of my own, and I’m nowhere near being able to go back to work. More medication trials put me in the hospital. I’m going through a course of TMS therapy which seems to be working, but I’m also in the process of tapering off a medication as I’ve had persistent fogginess that has made it difficult to drive or do much.

    My wife is also pregnant with our second child, which is terrifying given my current state. We are moving closer to family which should be good.

    I miss my old level of functioning, my career that I worked so hard to build. I want my children to know the best of their father, not this fairly pathetic version of me following a complete nervous breakdown.

    How do I cope with this loss? How can you rebuild when you love the person you are, but you don’t feel like him? My family needs me to get back to work before disability runs out, and I feel like I’m running out of time.

    #65086
    SIngh
    Participant

    You sir are a fighter, from what Ive read above, wow, you have been through a lot and you have overcome so much in your life. What is even better is when you recognized that if you put faith in yourself then everything will work out fine. Most people don’t even know that, they don’t even think about faith in themselves.

    It seems like you have all the knowledge and experience to get through this and get better, since you did it before. This is a minor set back, not a crippling defeat. I recon that things have been happening so fast and there has been so much stress that you haven’t had the time to put faith back in yourself. That may very well be the issue.

    You know it man, the fight that you got to fight is in your mind, it is nowhere else, you now this. Go back to the basics, write down everything that you like about yourself (make a list, and I mean everything), you’ll be surprised at what you can come up with that is so true. Make new affirmations and repeat them to yourself everyday, whenever you have a second to spare (this is hard, but if you do it, you’ll see progress I promise you, as I am doing this with myself in my own situation and it works wonders). Tell yourself that you believe in yourself, look in the mirror and smile, and tell yourself again.

    You are so blessed to have a wife and kids, you will already be an inspiration to them when they go through tough times because you fought hard and you won and here you are. You did it before and you will do it again. When you catch yourself worrying, stop right there, and continue to believe in yourself. Worrying does NOTHING positive for us, it is a leach, holding us down. Get rid of it, its all in your head man.

    You are already taking the right steps and seeing a therapist, now stop nervously expecting magic to happen, stop putting a timer on your sanity such that if you don’t recover by like winter then you’re screwed. Don’t do that, focus on one day at a time. Go to the gym (my personal favorite), get your blood flowing man, you were born to move and it will do wonders for your mental health (not to mention that your wife will LOVE your new and improved body…. and the rest is not pg rated so I shall not go any further).

    Also, try out something new that you’ve always thought of doing, such as volunteering at homeless shelters or soup kitchens; I always suggest this since I joined this site and its because I get so much enjoyment and satisfaction out of meeting these kind of people and making them smile even for just a moment.

    Again: rid yourself of worrying, its a waste of mental space, especially for an educated and successful man like yourself.

    The toughest challenges are for the strongest people, take it head on. Conquer your mind, retake what is yours up there and the rest will follow 🙂 .

    #65090
    graffinLA
    Participant

    Thanks for all the kind words 🙂 I think the problem is, my breakdown really took a lot from me, including faith and confidence in myself. I would love to do stuff like volunteering and get back out there, but my mental and physical energy is very poor. Even at family parties I have to go lie down for a while at some point. I used to exercise like a fiend and had to stop because after my breakdown I would be a complete mess after light exercise (and I used to run half marathons). It feels like the TMS is starting to work though, as I’ve gone back to doing very short runs and hope to build on that.

    Everything is foggy, concentration is difficult. I used my mind to achieve things and create my own safety, and all of that feels gone. I feel very broken. I would make a list of things I like about myself, but I feel very far from being the person I know and love.

    This should be a time for me to work through childhood issues and heal things I never paid attention to before, and I’m doing that. But there’s a family that needs me to pull it together soon, and disability only lasts a few more months. We are moving to be closer to our extended family and they all love me, but it’s hard to lose so much when I was feeling top of the world.

    #65187
    SIngh
    Participant

    It sure did take a lot from you man, my relationship of almost 4 years ended almost two weeks ago. I got a lot taken from me too, (im not trying to compare to you here, just trying to relate) including my confidence, a bit of my appetite, and a tonne of happiness. But I know inside that this is a blessing as I was getting way too comfortable and I would never have worked on myself in that relationship the way I am now so I know that in time I will have experienced a net gain out of this event.

    The easy part i think is that the things that have been taken from us are things that we used to have, many of which are critical for us to live, like happiness and fulfillment. So you see, you have to get it all back and then more, you have no choice, your body will force you to breathe when you don’t feel like breathing. Its an extreme analogy, but I think it is quite accurate.

    I understand that you feel far from the person that you describe in a list that you make about yourself. That is okay, this is square one man. Stick to that list, and repeat these characteristics in your head everyday. If the statement: “I am massively confident” seems way too unreal and your mind is refuting it, then change it right now to “I am becoming massively confident” and that should stick a little more well. This is what I do by the way, and I repeat these affirmations in my head everyday, and I try to do them whenever I get a minute or two alone.

    Imagine this person that you are going to become in the future, this confident, happy, awesome, and loving person. Note: (you actually are this person already, you jst have to stimulate and activate your “awesomecells” and “happycells” to wake up and start functioning again.)

    I know, that was cheesy and strange, but you already read it so too bad, you’re gonna think about those aweseomcells now constantly, sucka.

    Hang in there graffinLA, keep doing what works for you. You have great people around you who love you, and one more coming soon haha (congratulations on the new baby!)

    #65201
    savvy702
    Participant

    I tell you this story just so you know I empathize with your pain and to show that if I can pull myself up from this you can as well…there is a simple answer to all of the health problems physical and mental.

    On September 23, 2013 I was inpatient at a psychiatric hospital on a court ordered suicide hold for a mental breakdown following a period of lifelong severe depression, increasing manic episodes, ending in suicidal paranoid psychosis. The night before my release my husband at the time blindsided me by telling me we were getting a divorce. I had no idea. I woke up in the hospital to a complete stranger. I lost everyone and everything, friends turned on me spreading rumors about me to get close to him while I was at my lowest and needed them most. I moved to NV, then found out he had been seeing a particular friend who knew intimate details of my struggle and the depth of my emotional pain over my marriage and life, since before I even knew we were getting divorced. My friend and husband who had an affair are still together. June of this year I ended up back in the psychiatric ward on another suicide hold. I was released 3 hours before my only brothers wedding and missed seeing his ceremony that I was supposed to be in. My parents, married 35 yrs renewed vows at his wedding. Two weeks later we found out my mother had been having an affair on my father for a year & they are now divorcing. I no longer speak to my mother or grandparents as they have all turned on my father who is devastated. I lost 2 dogs (death/divorce), almost all of my immediate family members and in laws, my home, career, my health, my sanity, my credit score, and all of my friends except the ones who really count..all but the career within 10 months.

    I think bad things happen to us so that we can prepare ourselves to really appreciate the good to come. Everything happens for a reason. There was a really great post on here the other day about rebirth if you can find it.
    I am just now finding myself, this has forced me to get to the root of my physical and mental problems, as these are the times we have to learn to love ourselves. I’ve tried everything as I’ve felt this way since I was 6. I finally figured out the answer and I know it will help you.

    Please, please read the book the Ultra Mind Solution…or even just reviews on Amazon to get convinced. I have heard this stuff for years but finally have become desperate enough to try it as I’ve tried medications, doctors, naturopaths, therapy, meditation, rehab, church, meditation, exercise, diet, supplements, everything. This just makes common sense and was finally all put together in one place in an easy to understand way. It’s all about the basic building blocks our bodies need to function..adding more good stuff and eliminating things that are killing us. Other countries just don’t have the health problems we have here in the US. It’s Written by a doctor who’s mental health failed him and he wasn’t satisfied with conventional medical treatment. The reviews on Amazon are very informative. Trust me please, I haven’t been able to work in years due to exhaustion, mental fog, confusion, depression and anxiety. Just in general a mess, no sleep or food and constant stress for years almost killed me and I’m slowly coming back. Medications made me almost test positive for symptoms of schizophrenia and that’s when I knew I was getting much worse and not better. This book explains everything and the answer is really pretty simple the way he explains it…other doctors review and endorse the book also. In ten years this is going to be more common knowledge. Look into functional medicine if you can. And please do yourself a favor you won’t regret reading (or listening) to this book. It has truly given me hope and changed my life, and I really thought of it reading your story and felt compelled to tell my story in the hopes it will help you gain a life you never dreamed of. Good luck I wish you the best!

    #65202
    savvy702
    Participant

    And exactly what you said how you feel broken…is exactly what the doctor describes happened to him in the book. His mind just broke on him one day. This is the answer to your problems I promise you…I saw results immediately and even better after 3 days and I’m not even following the plan exactly. I am off all psychiatric medications for the first time in years for 3 months so far. It will work for your all of your issues. You describe almost the exact problem the doctor had. Of course I should say to consult your doctor about any meds you are on.

    • This reply was modified 9 years, 6 months ago by savvy702.
    #65241
    graffinLA
    Participant

    Thanks Sadee, it sounds like you’ve been through a similar tough road and I’m happy to hear you’re finding your way through.

    I’m at the backend of Transcranial Magnetic Stimulation treatment, which is extremely effective for depression. I’ve had spots where I really felt a difference, but the “fog” has never lifted. After monkeying around with my medication a bit, the doctor just tapered me off quickly, so I could go through withdrawals while still being under treatment. I’m a few days off the drug, not a fun place to be but trying to keep the end goal in sight.

    I do take a B Vitamin and Fish Oil regularly. Have to hope the TMS works, but if it doesn’t I may consider an inegrative medicine doctor. Unfortunately my body is sensitive to medications and supplements, so working with a doctor would probably be a better option for me than winging it on my own. Just a tough spend of momey when my disability will run out soon and money will be tight for my family.

    #65286
    Bina
    Participant

    I have been were you are twice. The second time about 6 years ago. You will get through this, have patient with yourself. Do things slow, everything will fall into place in time. You will look back and realize that your breakdown was necessary to help you recover. I was told from a Therapist, is like having a tooth that has been aching. The decay has been removed and a new filling been placed. I hope this will help. Be gentle and kind with yourself.

    #65334
    graffinLA
    Participant

    Thanks Bina, really helps to get that encouragement 🙂 It’s tough to go slow and there is a time limit here. Disability only lasts a few more months, and then our savings will dwindle while my two children need a father. I haven’t been able to drive in a month due to the fogginess in my brain, hoping that will clear up as I continue through treatment.

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