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Lost and paralysed…

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  • #68464
    Mermaid
    Participant

    Hi all,

    First of all, I feel pretty ridiculous writing this as it’s Thanksgiving (I’m not American, but wish all you Americans a very Happy Thanksgiving!!!) but I suppose what I mean is it feels wrong to be ‘complaining’ or explaining how down I feel, so I apologise in advance.

    So, a few months back I wrote about the difficulties I was having internally having gotten back with my ex boyfriend and moving back to France where I previously lived and how I began feeling anxious and depressed. Well a few weeks ago we made the decision to have some space and I have come back to the UK…

    The thing is, the peace I was longing for hasn’t come, the excitement and joy I felt before going to France hasn’t returned and I am 29, have moved back with my parents in the middle of the countryside and just feel STUCK. I am a creative person with so many ideas, but I never know how to move forward. I don’t feel ready or even willing to go into a full time office job as I have also recently recovered from M.E. (Chronic Fatigue Syndrome) which lasted for 4 years, so my health is most important to me.

    Can anyone relate to that feeling of having so many desires and dreams but not seeming to achieve any of them? I just feel like I have totally regressed and have no excitement or self-belief. I suppose I am very sad about the breakup with my ex and how things felt so awfully wrong. I just feel so lost, I don’t know how to ‘find myself’ again so I know how to move forward, I just find myself constantly frustrated and disappointed in myself. And I so want this to change…

    If anyone has any words of advice, I’d greatly appreciate it. xxx

    #68465
    Mermaid
    Participant

    Also, to add, it’s like I feel so old at 29…like I should know who I am and what I want to do and all I keep thinking about is regret, how I wish I could change my past years, how I wish I had let myself be more free and happy, but the thing is, I’m not doing that NOW!

    #68483
    finsallystrong
    Participant

    Hi Mermaid!

    I appreciate you reaching out to me on my other post and wanted to drop by and familiarize myself with your current situation.

    To begin with, 29 is NOT old. WE are not old! In fact, I made so many bad decisions in my past, I look forward to turning thirty next year! For some reason or another, it seems therapeutic to be able to leave my “young naive, learning” years behind. So that is the positive perspective I have on being fortunate to be 29! We don’t necessarily have to have accomplished any major goals by a specific deadline, we are just fortunate to be older and wiser and several miles farther from the instances we might otherwise regret…and after being in marketing for a number of years, I can say numbers do help flip the mindset! 30 seems exciting and new compared to 29. It’s the beginning of a new chapter. Begin a countdown celebration to your birthday, now!

    That said, I can also relate to moving back somewhere, expecting to automatically return to the great joy and happiness the environment provided me, previously. My fiance and I argue – a lot lately, with all the stress we are enduring. We are passionate and we are in love with one another, but sometimes I find myself wondering if moving him to my hometown and changing his entire life plan, was a good idea. I worry he might resent me at some point, though he is not the type at all. I don’t know your exact situation regarding your ex, but I can tell you I relate to moving back to a place of happiness and experiencing difficulties with the loved one.

    I can’t give you any specific advice there without further information, but I want you to know that those who are meant to be in your life, will find you, and if they leave, they will find a way to come back, one way or another. And if he is not meant to be, try to take the lessons you learned from the relationship and apply those to future relationships and your life in general. What do you need/desire/require/want in yourself, in order to find that in others? Have you decided you want to change the world and listen to John Lennon all day, inspired to write one life changing idea after another? Then it’s probably not a good idea to find someone who hits the bars every night. That’s incredibly broad, but meant to get the point across, that once you discover your innermost desires, only then can you truly know real love.

    Perhaps you have spent several years battling CFS that you haven’t really been allowed enough time to explore what makes you happy? If you find you connect with nature in a way that awes and inspires you, spend more time outside walking, jogging, yoga in the park, gardening. You’ll find a sense of peace in whatever your “preferred” environment and at that point, the dots should begin to connect again, and the ideas will trickle in.

    At least that is what happened for me. But I believe you will find your way back on the path of clarity. It is said, it is always darkest before the dawn. Just remember to let it be and believe there will be an answer. (In the jumbled words of the great Mr. John Lennon!)

    I wish you the best of luck!!!

    Love,
    jd

    #68493
    finsallystrong
    Participant

    Also, you mentioned you gave up Christianity six months ago.

    Raised in the deep South of the USA, I could never quite jump on to the idea of organized religion. However, my childhood best friend is a preachers wife and daughter, heavily involved with the church. So I respect everyones beliefs, regardless.

    With that said, I do believe in believing in something. I call my higher power, Grandma. I really believe she is with me all the time based off of occurrences that happen often.

    If that is just too much right now, begin by believing in yourself. A lady told my fiancee recently on a plane ride that there is no point in living if you don’t have dreams to live for.

    So no matter what, remember to believe. Best of luck!

    Jd

    #68724
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    Hi Mermaid.
    I can relate to a lot of what you say.
    I’m 24 and I worry that my life is flashing before my eyes.
    It feels like I’ve been living in a bubble for so long, and when I think about all the time that’s passed I worry that I’m wasting my life feeling bad and stuck.

    You’re really not alone though. Most people are not content with their lives and just because you’re temporarily living with your parents doesn’t mean that you aren’t as successful as other. Everyone has their own obstacles to deal with, and you know what yours are.

    I can relate to the creativity thing too. I write music and sing/play guitar. Sometimes I get so psyched about my potential, and then on other days I feel like giving up music because (I tell myself) I haven’t got what it takes. I’ve been suffering from adrenal fatigue, or to simplify it – Regular tiredness, that’s sometimes extreme – for a long time now. Other people seem to have so much energy compared to me, so I feel like I don’t fit in. So many people my age work full time and then do extra hours, and then party all weekend. That would pretty much kill me.

    I’m intrigued that you’ve overcome CFS (at least, to a degree that you’re better).
    I know you’ve read From Fatigued To Fantastic, but do you mind helping me out and giving me some tips?
    What has helped you the most in recovery?
    I seem so stress sensitive these days.
    I’ve tried playing around with diet for years but I always seem to let things get to me, despite how I try to stay strong.

    Thank you

    #68731
    Anne
    Participant

    Hi Mermaid, I can relate exactly to how you’re feeling… or rather, how all your feelings of being alive and connected to the world have faded away. It sound to me as though you are suffering from clinical depression – please don’t make the mistake of thinking that this illness can be fixed with an attitude adjustment Go to your doctor.

    #68756
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    And by ‘Attitude adjustment’, Anne does indeed mean John Cena’s finishing move in WWE (I hope somebody gets this reference)…
    I have to disagree though… There are so many people that try to force choices onto you.
    As if to say it’s ‘impossible’ to heal without an artificial, un-natural, man-made substance.

    Doctors, in my experience, aren’t always very informed about depression and it’s not just as simple as swallowing some pills.
    Their job is just to make money for Big Pharma and anti-depressants are too readily given out.
    Trust your gut and see a doctor if you want to, but you’re the one that makes that decision… nobody else.

    If medication was so helpful, depression wouldn’t be such a problem.
    I like to think long-term, and for me that means realising that one day I’d want to stop taking the drug.. then what?
    Even if it worked (I have my doubts), am I just back to square one when I stop taking the meds?
    Probably.

    Though it can be more difficult without (maybe), it’d just feel 100 times better beating depression for real by yourself, knowing you did it – not some random-ass drug.

    #68767
    Spidey
    Participant

    Mermaid (and to you also Stefan),

    One thing I strongly suggest and recommend you both doing is literally put on your walkers/running shoes and get outside in nature. Don’t bring any electronics, no distractions. Just you, and nature. This won’t solve anything huge nor give you any big answers, but it will allow you to find peace and serenity in the moment, and hopefully allow you to reflect deep within. By doing this, you may come with newer insights with things, but I urge you guys to connect with nature. It literally does wonders to your well-being. In my lowest time in my life, this is exactly what I did, and I never regretted it. And I still do this a lot to ground myself and find peace within, which also might shed a new light on things for you via self-reflection.

    Cheers,

    Spidey.

    #68768
    Anne
    Participant

    Would it also feel 100 times better to beat cancer for real by yourself, without some random-ass chemotherapy? 🙂 I wasted three years of my life, lost my job and my marriage trying to “be strong” and beat depression with the power of my mind alone. I feel now that I was being overly proud. I needed help, but refused to seek it. I needed medicine, but refused to take it. And it was the people who loved me that suffered most for my pride, who worried about me and exended huge amounts of energy trying to lift me up. I don’t think I’ll be on anti-depressants forever, but even if I am, so what? Diabetics are on their medicine for life, and nobody bats an eyelid. The only reason mental illness is seen as different is because of the perception that it’s the sufferer’s own fault for being ill. This is a very damaging myth that needlessly stigmatises people. Of course, nobody can make the choice but the individual. But personally, I wish I’d been brave enough to make it years ago

    Much love

    #68796
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    I feel like I haven’t refused to get help, but medication is just one option.
    And in regards to cancer, I don’t know if I’d choose to poison myself with chemo and watch all my hair fall out, or take my chances elsewhere… (I swear in 100 years, people will wonder what the medical industry was thinking – You can’t poison the ‘bad’ cells without damaging the rest).

    I just see a lot of very varied opinions on medications. Varied experiences… Some people end up addicted. Others don’t notice anything. Some say ‘Ohhh, well – they take the edge off I guess’. Some end up with a limp willy. It all seems very unpredictable. The doctor’s just try one drug after another without any real logic.

    But hey, I’m not going to attempt to change your mind because you’re welcome to have your own beliefs.
    I just find people can be pressured into taking medication against their will.
    Some people do believe depression is the ‘fault’ of it’s sufferer, and yeah – that’s BS.
    But, ultimately a lot of depression is circumstantial.
    Life is certainly different these days. It’s over-populated and a struggle, because people have to take jobs they don’t want, etc.
    I think after a while, the brain can adapt to becoming depressed and so it becomes biological, but I still (just my belief) think nobody needs anti-depressants.

    I don’t believe everyone is destined to face depression for the rest of their lives if they don’t take medication.
    Personally, I’ve been tested (with a nutritionist) on a stool sample (poop).
    It showed I had yeast overgrowth and a bacterial infection.
    So many people say the gut is important with mental health.
    If that is the case, an anti-depressant isn’t really a logical answer for me, is it?

    I’ll admit though… sometimes I wish I wasn’t as reluctant as I am.
    I wish I could suck up my pride and take them, because I DO really struggle at times – to the point where I think I may kill myself.
    But I’m absolutely terrified of side effects now, and during the 11 days I was on Sertaline (for anxiety/depression), I couldn’t feel a thing during sex with my girlfriend and I was so tired – like a Zombie.
    Maybe some people just don’t do well with them :/

    #68808
    Spidey
    Participant

    You can’t solely rely on medication to overcome depression. I literally just did a research paper on physical activity and mental health, and one of the studies explored the effects of pharmacological substances and exercise in treating depression. The control group just took the drug treatment whereas the test group was prescribed an aerobic activity plan while taking drug treatment. The group that was both taking medication and exercising had a substantial decrease in their depressive symptoms as opposed to the group just taking the drugs.

    Point I’m making: you need to be proactive! You can’t sit around and just hope things will work, and by taking a pill you will feel better. Be proactive, make the change, get up and start moving! Sitting around and feeling sorry for yourself isn’t going to do you any favours. I know this through experience, and it isn’t fun. But you have to be willing to change yourself. If you don’t do so, then what are you doing? Just existing and relying on hope to bring you out of the rut? No, you need to act! First step is acknowledging there is a problem, second step is putting a meaning behind and producing an emotional response, and thirdly it’s acting on the emotional response (the “now what?”). By doing this accordingly, you can get out of any situation or circumstance you’re in.

    But it has to start with you!

    #68810
    Anne
    Participant

    Abolutely agree that medication alone is not the answer and exercise is wonderfully beneficial. 🙂

    Stephan, I’m so sorry you had a bad experience with Sertaline. I’m just weaning off Citalopram now (a similar drug) and I remember the doc telling me that the first two weeks would be tough… he certainly wasn’t wrong! That’s the closest I ever came to actually going through with suicide. It took about a month to really start feeling the benefits. For me, the breakthrough moment was taking a shower and actually, REALLY feeling better afterwards. You know how everyone (or maybe just my friends 🙂 ) say “Oooh, well if you do “such-and-such”, you’ll feel so much better afterwards!” Well, one of those things was always “Get up and have a shower” So, I’d get up and have a shower, but still feel depressed afterwards – I would intellectually acknowledge that cleaner and mobile was an improvement in my situation though, so I thought that this was the “feel better” they were talking about. And I gotta admit, much of the time, I felt “Well, if THAT’S your “feel better”, I’ll save the energy and wallow instead, thanks” But about a month in, I got up and had a shower and felt a lift. A proper mood lift! I was absolutely blown away… all like, “OoooOOOoooh! THIS is what they’ve been banging on about! Yes, it DOES feel better… when I’m not depressed!” 😉

    #69038
    xWhy
    Participant

    Hey mermaid!
    You are having a mid-life crisis at 29! Way to get it out of the way early! You don’t know yourself, join the rest of us. Life is the process of discovering more and more about yourself, so you are right on track! Feeling lost, there is no road map to life, so you are in actuality, lost, just like everyone else. What I’m trying to get at us you are putting pressure on yourself that doesn’t belong there. I know society tells us we should be this or do that, but unfortunately, they have no authority or expertise to determine who or what we should be or what the timeline is for meeting it’s standards. Tell society to screw off and go define your life on your terms!

    #72053
    resa
    Participant

    Hi Mermaid,

    I just wanted to say something that may be helpful. You say you are needing to be creative but don’t know how to jump start yourself in a direction. I think we creative types are prone to depressive states because we feel so much and if we don’t have a channel to funnel those feelings we get overwhelmed by them. And when you are overwhelmed, it paralyzes you. What I have done to get my juices flowing (and it can be hard to take that first step, but it has always brought me back to life) is to find a place to be creative with other creative people. Forget about the 9-5 for now if you have that option. It is not how creatives function anyway. Go find an art center. If they don’t have a job opening, volunteer to help out there. Or take some classes there. Take many classes there and find something that sparks your passion or at least gives you motivation to put your ideas into motion. Join a community theater group. Just get yourself out there with other creatives, because believe me, it will inspire you. And you can take all these feelings that are overwhelming you and turn them into art. That’s what art is. Feelings creatively expressed. Once you get going, you will feel better because you will no longer feel bottled up. I know you said you live in the country, but hopefully there is a town close by that has some sort of art center or such. Also, you can look for jobs helping or apprenticing in an artists studio. I have worked for a potter and taken classes in pottery, worked in a stained glass studio, learned how and made jewelry (which I currently sell in a couple of shops) spent years playing in community theater, am teaching myself to paint, and am moving into working with wool soon with all kinds of ideas of what I want to create. I’m not saying it will make all your troubles go away, but it will certainly put them in the back seat once you get going.

    What I’m saying is there are opportunities out there to get you unstuck. all you have to do is take that first step and you would be amazed at how you will be inspired to do more and will find your passion(s). If you find your community of like minds, maybe you will feel strong enough to move out of the home and closer to where you feel alive! Don’t underestimate how feeling productive doing something you love can turn your whole experience of life around. You will gain confidence in yourself and your abilities and that in turn will fuel you to experience more. It’s a path to self discovery and inner growth. And it beats the hell out of sitting at home sad, frustrated and paralyzed with nothing better to do than drown in feelings that have no place to go.

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