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Lost My Way

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This topic contains 4 replies, has 4 voices, and was last updated by Profile photo of Karen Murphy Karen Murphy 1 week, 2 days ago.

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  • #145813
    Profile photo of Lis
    Lis
    Participant

    Hi,

    I’m new to this so please be kind. I’m a 28 year old woman who up until almost 2 years ago felt that I could achieve anything I want to in life. I have got into a relationship with what I am starting to think is an emotionally abusive guy and I cannot break free. I have lost my way, my self esteem has gone and I am too exhausted to pull myself out of this hole. What is most difficult is that I look back on when I was full of fun, dreams and head strong. I’m now a tired, emotional, nervous wreck with no confidence or drive. I don’t recognise myself.

    I am in no way perfect as a partner, but some of the things that I suspect are emotional abuse include:

    – Telling me that I don’t have any hobbies (I absolutely do), that I am my company’s little b*tch  and so why do I care so much – I worked extremely hard to get to where I am at he knocked that out of me in one sentence (he does not have a job currently, nor any hobbies…)

    – Hacking into my phone whilst I am asleep, then waking me up by screaming at me about messages that he has seen from male friends (I have never cheated on him, but met up with guy mates from uni for a drink). This happened more than once – where he will read my phone behind my back then bring up something just before we are going to sleep, saying something like ‘I have got evidence of you doing X… with X… – so you can tell me the truth.’ Then when I say that yes okay I met up with them for a drink or whatever, he laughs at me and says ‘I don’t really have evidence I just wanted to see if you were lying to my face’. I never do this to him.

    – Asking if he can bring his girl mate to my dinner party the first time that he met my friends, then when I explained that I felt uncomfortable, he said he wasn’t coming unless I involve her and learn to be inclusive of his friends.

    – Calling me names including the C word really easily if I ‘wind him up’…this really upsets me and I have found myself also lashing out in defence, which in turn makes me not like myself. He says he feels like he needs to put me in my place.

    We have so many discussions around how to be loving and caring to each other , and agree we need to find a level of understanding and communication to make it work, but it seems like there is an upset almost every week.

    He says that he cannot connect with me and that I am a closed book. I am so hurt and sad deep down inside that I cannot open up to him, but I also don’t have the confidence to leave because when it is good, it’s really good – we have lots of fun and I do feel like he understands me.

    I need to find the strength to leave because I am ruining my own life. I feel like I can’t talk to my friends or family anymore because we have had so many ups and downs and I feel so isolated.

    Can anyone please advise on finding the strength to make a change and stick to it? We have broken up countless times and always reunited with promises of making it work and moving forwards. I feel like I am addicted to the relationship as when we are not together I feel deeply depressed, almost to the point of not being able to get out of bed.

    Thank you.

     

    #145843
    Profile photo of anita
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Lis:

    The no-doubt-about-it abusive behavior on his part: screaming at you, using profanity against you, dishonestly manipulating you (“he laughs at me and says ‘I don’t really have evidence I just wanted to see if you were lying to my face’”, repeatedly hacking into your phone, and telling you that he needs to put you in your place (“He says he feels like he needs to put me in my place”).

    These behaviors are abusive regardless of context. No context (and no matter how imperfect you may be) justify those or make these behaviors non-abusive.

    I think that you lost your way (the title of your thread) because he successfully “put you in (your) place”- in a place, that is, where you are currently stuck.

    What is that place, I ask myself. You wrote: “when it is good, it’s really good – we have lots of fun and I do feel like he understands me.”- will you share more about those times, what “really good” looks like, that fun and feeling that he understands you, perhaps give some examples?

    anita

    #145907
    Profile photo of Kat
    Kat
    Participant

    This is an emotionally abusive relationship and I am so sorry you are experiencing this . This guy is a piece of work . My advice would be to leave and not look back .

    I could have written your post about my ex . I am 27.

    I would leave and get counselling asap. You can recover from this . What he is telling you is lies .Hipe this is not to harsh.

     

     

    #145909
    Profile photo of Kat
    Kat
    Participant

    This is an emotionally abusive relationship and I am so sorry you are experiencing this . This guy is a piece of work . My advice would be to leave and not look back .

    I could have written your post about my ex . I am 27.

    I would leave and get counselling asap. You can recover from this . What he is telling you is lies .Hope this is not to harsh.

    This guy won’t change he is an abuser. Is that what you want ? Could you marry this guy /have kids etc .?

     

    #146103
    Profile photo of Karen Murphy
    Karen Murphy
    Participant

    Lis, google “narcissistic personality disorder”. This guy sounds like a textbook case. People with this problem hurt everyone around them. You can’t stay with this guy, look what he’s done to you already, and it only gets worse. You deserve so much better. There’s a better future waiting for you!

     

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