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Meant to be alone?

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  • This topic has 12 replies, 5 voices, and was last updated 7 years ago by EAHL.
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  • #128569
    Lu
    Participant

    Hi all. I guess I’m left a little confused. I have so many things in life to be thankful for, but something my heart has always been longing for is a loving, healthy relationship. One where I love and am loved in return. I am currently 30, and I have felt love and been in love in my life three times. All three times, that love was not returned..one of them and the most recent actually being a verbally abusive relationship that still breaks my heart constantly even two years later.(today for some reason I seem to have fell back in that hole and have been crying non stop)
    The hardest part of this is all of these past loves..are in new relationships, and I’m still single.

    The reason I’m confused, is I feel that I’m a good person and deserving of love. I don’t say that to sound cocky at all..so please don’t take that the wrong way. Basically, I’m nice to others, go out of my way to help others, my full time job is running a non-profit which has been a life long dream as I get to help others daily. That’s my purpose. I don’t do it with the idea that if I do good, I’ll get what I want in return, I do it because it makes my heart happy. That being said…I don’t know why I have such a longing for love in my heart and I’m still here lonely as ever. I pray for love every day. It brings me to tears knowing the only times I ever felt love it left me in pain. It also hurts to know that time is running out for me to have a family like I’ve always wanted. I’m confused why something is so strong in my heart, but just isn’t happening for me? I try to enjoy my life as best I can because like I said, I have so many things to be thankful for….my dream job, an amazing family, great friends…but there’s still that hole I can’t let go of…. and I guess an overall feeling of why am I not good enough.

    One last thing I feel is necessary to mention because it’s something that hurts beyond measure…is that same ex who constantly put me down, takes this this new girlfriend on trips, nice dates (I only knew this because of social media which I have since stopped looking at for more than a year now) but this was right after we broke up and he just got on with someone completely new and decided to actually treat her like a human being when to him I was trash. Anyway…now I’m just ranting.

    #128575
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear spring0108:

    I think photos and posts on Facebook (I don’t have an account there) are often misleading. What you see in a photo is a part of a second of a person’s life, smiling and looking happy. You don’t see the person for the rest of that second, the minute after, hour, day. And that smile might not sincere even during that split second.I read again and again, that people try to impress others on Facebook, trying to “look good.” – do I wouldn’t put much credence in what you see there.

    You wrote that you loved three times but in all three times you were not loved back. Why do you think that is, any ideas?

    If you have no idea, and you would like to examine one of the relationships, the most recent, perhaps, do share about it: how long did you date him, did you live together, how did he behave toward you at first, when did he become verbally abusive? How did you react to his verbal abuse? What was the nature of the relationship, etc. How did it end, who initiated the breakup…?

    anita

    #128583
    Lu
    Participant

    The first was high school so not much merit there. This was my first love, we always stayed in touch since, even in recent years..he told me a few times he thought we would always end up together. We were finally both single at the same time about two years ago, hung out/hooked up…I was excited about it…but then turns out I was a rebound. He’s been back with his ex for over a year now and hasn’t talked to me since. Coming from someone I had a lot of respect and trust for probably hurt the most.

    Second we never had a relationship but were best friends for a long time. We had a few moments when we first became friends, did everything together, but he could get whoever he wanted and I was not and still will never be his type. He sees me as a sister. Since we get along in every other aspect and have such a connection, I assume he’s not attracted to me.

    Last one we dated 4 years and lived together. He was the first person i ever had sex with at 24. I wanted to wait til I was out of college that was just a personal preference. He was nice from the get go but had an old friend move in with us at around 8 months. That’s when it changed but I stayed because I hoped it was temporary. He wouldn’t spend much time with me at that point but I always gave excuses for it. The first time he really yelled was when we went away, his friend came as well..we had concert tickets and when we found out we only had two he choose his friend over me. I got upset..and he screamed at me in front of everyone in the lobby of the hotel. There was another instance when he was fighting with this friend and he was on the phone with him arguing and i asked him to slow down and he throw a big set of keys he had in my face. He would always tell me he couldn’t bring me around his friends cause I wasn’t outgoing, always make comments about what I ate, one day he told me I let myself go..he never like my friends or my sister..said they didn’t treat me great and only talked to me if they needed something. Called me crazy, bipolar, depressed to the point I believed it. Lazy. I guess I still don’t forgive myself for staying…but I loved him at that point and there were good times in between that would help me forgive. And there was also the fact I started to believe him and the things he said about me. Even to this day, i still second guess if maybe I was the problem and just overreacted.

    He ended it because he constantly was coming home at around 5 in the morning and I kept getting upset about it. One night I found out he was with the girl who I’m still pretty sure he cheated on me with and this is the girl he is still with. He strung me along about a month or so after until he decided to tell me on Christmas Day he was with the new girl only two month later.

    So I guess after summarizing that maybe it’s a little clearer to me why I’m not in a relationship and it’s more on my end out of fear.

    #128585
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear spring0108:

    The last boyfriend reads like an indecent person, to be calling you names, throwing a set of keys in your face, screaming at you… these behaviors are not a reflection of who you are but who he is.

    In your original post, you wrote that you want to Love and be loved. When you love a person, from a parent to a friend, a boyfriend- do you put yourself last, and the one you love, first. Is self-denial part of you being loving to another?

    anita

    #128587
    yongsua
    Participant

    That’s why I quit Facebook, except for Messenger where I still need to chat with others. I am also lonely and afraid of meant to be lonely for life. I am trying my best bit by bit to live a better life now.

    #128589
    Lu
    Participant

    I do tend to put the ones Love first. Especially family..but I guess in all honesty I kind of thought that’s a part of unconditional love.

    Yongsua, I’m sorry you’re feeling lonely as well. Hopefully we will find what we’ve been waiting for one day, and we will realize the wait was worth it.

    #128591
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear spring0108:

    You want to love and be loved. To love, you put the man first. To be loved, should he put you first?

    If he puts you first, do you let him and feel comfortable being first? And then… to love him, you put him first, and you are back to being second, is it taking turns?

    I think that neither should be first or second, but equal. It is my understanding, at this point, that your practice of putting the man (or family member, or friend) first, and you second, is a problem. You may be so used to this dynamic, starting from childhood, that you don’t know any other way.

    It may be that as a child, the price you had to pay to be loved was self denial, basically, you had to not love yourself, to give yourself no importance, so to receive any kind of love from a parent.

    Does any of this ring true to you?

    * Will be back in twelve hours or so.

    anita

    #128595
    Lu
    Participant

    Im not really sure. I had amazing parents and a good childhood. They never made me feel unloved and still don’t. I’ve just always put everyone else’s happiness before my own.

    #128673
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear spring0108:

    First, a summary or highlights of your posts here:
    “Something my heart has always been longing for is a loving, healthy relationship. One where I love and am loved in return.”

    All three times that you loved a man, your love was not returned. You wrote that you are confused because you believe you are a good person, deserving of love, and you don’t understand why your are lonely, why a healthy, loving relationship hasn’t happened for you.

    You elaborated on what it means, you being a good person: “I’m nice to others, go out of my way to help others, my full time job is (to) help others daily… ”

    You wrote “that same ex who constantly put me down, takes this this new girlfriend on trips, nice dates…this was right after we broke up and he just got on with someone completely new and decided to actually treat her like a human being when to him I was trash.”

    Your first relationship: the guy chose his ex over you. The second was best friend who saw you as a sister, not a girlfriend. The third was a four year relationship. He was nice at first, then chose his friend over you, yelled at you in front of everyone, threw a set of keys in your face on another incident, expressed his disapproved of your looks and behavior, called you “crazy, bipolar, depressed” But you stayed with him and eventually he broke it up with you.

    You wrote: “I do tend to put the ones Love first. Especially family…but I guess in all honesty I kind of thought that’s a part of unconditional love…I’ve just always put everyone else’s happiness before my own.”

    Second, my input: I believe you have the following misunderstandings:

    1. Love is about making the loved one first while putting yourself second, or last.
    2. Love is about being unconditional, that is, it is about tolerating mistreatment, disrespect, abuse.
    3. A good person is one who puts others first, helps others, expects nothing in return.

    The reason your ex boyfriend of 4 years treated his next girlfriend so much better is probably because she believed in NOT putting herself second to him. If you put yourself First (and both man and woman are first, no seconds), then you will be treated well. It is your insistence to be second that causes your misery in a relationship and otherwise, your loneliness.

    You are not a saint; you are a human being. A non-human saint may be able to give, give, give with no expectations of return, and be content being Second. A human being does have expectations of return and is not content being second on the long run. This is why, in the last relationship, you probably were depressed and upset a lot of the time.

    I hope you find a way, maybe with competent psychotherapy, to respect the human in you, put yourself first/ equal to the man (as well as first and equal with your family members); no longer offering yourself as sacrifice. Ignite that Self-Interest in you. It will serve you well.

    To love AND be loved in return, you have to be fist.

    anita

    #129319
    Inky
    Participant

    Hi spring0108,

    The Facebook thing:

    1. I bet dollars to donuts SHE wanted to go on a trip, and SHE chose the restaurants

    2. Not only did she choose the trips and the restaurants but I also bet SHE paid for half if not all of them (because it was her idea)

    3. If HE chose to take her out and pay for everything it is ONLY because he was reflective or guilty (even subconsciously) of how he treated you and decided to treat someone RIGHT for a change!

    4. And the only reason to post fantastic, romantic things on Facebook is for other people to see them. Who in the world could that person be, hmm?? If he’s as bad as you say, I wouldn’t put it past him to post those things. If she posted those things, same thing, because she probably has her own no-good boyfriend in the background!

    Starting a Family:

    I didn’t write “Finding Love” because love can happen anytime. But if you want to start a family, you need to get assertive and proactive about meeting people and going out. If you go on 100 dates (one a week) within a couple years you WILL find someone to click with. Have your friends and family set you up and go on some dating sites!

    Best,

    Inky

    #134819
    Lu
    Participant

    THis is so delayed. I really appreciate the input. It makes a lot of sense to say that I put myself second, and you are not the first person to say that. I’m sometimes wonder if maybe it was my fault things didn’t work out because I was so focused on him and not myself. I have a hard time forgiving myself for that, and do intend to talk to someone professional tosort through those feelings. I also have a fear of going through the same heartbreak again and constantly actually have nightmares going back to feeling the way I did when he left me. The idea of dating just freaks me out now and I think that’s a big reason I’m still alone.

    #135209
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear spring0108:

    I think that competent psychotherapy is an excellent idea.

    I also think that you taking so much responsibility for the ending of the last relationship is not true to reality. He carries responsibility too, maybe 50%, which means you are left with 50%.

    I am thinking that your strategy of putting yourself second or last to others, be it family members or boyfriends is not working for you. In therapy, I hope you explore this strategy, the origin on it (when it started, most likely in childhood), and change it. It will take work and time to change it, as this strategy is a strong habit.

    “Meant to be alone?” (title of your thread)- no, you are not meant to be alone. Meant to be second? No, you are not meant to be second either.

    anita

    #135401
    EAHL
    Participant

    I have been in your shoes and can relate so much. It helps if you can establish clearer boundaries and communicate your needs and expectations in relationships more clearly. It may mean more guys leave sooner, but you leave yourself open and available to better relationships. You WANT to weed out the bad guys. Your last ex sounds like a terrible person and him not loving you is no loss. I’ve had abusive relationships and it’s so hard when you have low self-esteem to not blame yourself for the poor treatment, but hopefully with time you will realize that your life is much better without this man in it.

    It sounds like you are attracted to emotionally unavailable men – it’s possible they remind you of male authority figures in your life (even if your dad, for example, was a fundamentally good man who provided for your family it doesn’t mean he was emotionally healthy and open).

    I just experienced a breakup with what I thought was the first healthy relationship I’ve ever had (I’m 31) and I’m feeling similarly to you – just fear of going through this over and over again and inability to forgive myself for mistakes. But nothing will get better unless we take action to make it better. Continuing to suffer is a choice.

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