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Motion in Relationships

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  • #107858
    Lisa Kelly
    Participant

    Hi Anita,

    As you suggested, I’ve started a new topic. Thank you for posting this interesting concept in another conversation. It’s a good reminder. There is someone I like and we do seem to be doing this motion dance also. And it doesn’t help that when I think he’s moved away, the next time we meet I might be a little distant to compensate and protect my feelings. And that in turn may make him move a little away in response to what may seem like less interest on my part. It’s so very complicated, isn’t it? Sigh. It even seems to apply to my husband – we are newly separated – and some days I might be feeling friendly when I see him, but he’s being an ass, and other days he may be willing to have a decent conversation,but I’m being a bitch that day! So it’s very hard to always be in sync with someone. And also very good to remember it most likely doesn’t have much or anything to do with you – could be work worries or even a tummy ache, which I know is often the reason I may be feeling out of sorts and not want to interact too closely with someone if I’m physically uncomfortable.

    I think the best policy is what I am trying to do, in all my interactions, not just the male-female dating/divorcing situations, is to always approach from warm and friendly, open and positive place, expecting the best, and being prepared to give my best and spread my light and love. Whatever happens from there, at least I can be pretty sure it didn’t originate with me.

    #107861
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear lisakelly619:

    I like your thread and title: Motion in Relationships”

    This moving toward/ moving away dance you are referring to is the very nature of human interaction, business as usual, in a good relationship.

    So if you have a good relationship, then you expect your partner to be distant at times. It can’t be any other way. And when you are distant, you are okay with it as it cannot be any other way.

    This is the benefit of seeing reality as it is. If we believe in the fantasy that two people can be always as close, always affectionate and loving, then we wrongly figure something is terribly wrong when it is not so at any one time. I wonder how many people figured they fell out of love with a partner because of not understanding this natural motion.

    Your solution, or policy, to “to always approach from warm and friendly, open and positive place, expecting the best, and being prepared to give my best and spread my light and love.” Hope you don’t expect yourself to “Always” be friendly and positive and spreading your light and love, for the same reason as the above reality: we cannot be the same throughout the day and every day. There are dark days when I am satisfied with not spreading the darkness, having no intent to spread light and love that I do not experience.

    anita

    #107874
    Lisa Kelly
    Participant

    Hi Anita,

    Thanks for replying. Maybe it is a little unrealistic but that is my goal – if I can control my response to a person, I try to make it positive, not negative. I work in public service and it’s easy to be annoyed or irritable, or feel too busy to take the time, but I try to remember to be kind and respond in the way I would like to be treated. When I say expect the best, I mean I am always hopeful for a pleasant interaction; I try not to be negative from the get-go. Of course,I don’t always get that kind of response back. But I find that a smile goes a long way and a pleasant greeting and a little patience and just listening are pretty helpful when dealing with the public in a service industry like the one I work in. Luckily, I am a pretty cheerful person who doesn’t experience too many dark days.

    But I do agree that not understanding that sometimes our partners are feeling distant on some days and loving on other days can cause much misunderstanding and heartache. I like this advice from Miguel Ruiz, author of The Four Agreements:

    Don’t Take Anything Personally
    Nothing others do is because of you. What others say and do is a projection of their own reality, their own dream. When you are immune to the opinions and actions of others, you won’t be the victim of needless suffering.

    Don’t Make Assumptions
    Find the courage to ask questions and to express what you really want. Communicate with others as clearly as you can to avoid misunderstandings, sadness and drama. With just this one agreement, you can completely transform your life.

    Always Do Your Best
    Your best is going to change from moment to moment; it will be different when you are healthy as opposed to sick. Under any circumstance, simply do your best, and you will avoid self-judgment, self-abuse and regret.

    #107879
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear lisakelly619:

    I wish all people working with the public had your attitude. I like it very much, the way you described it. My concern in my first post to you on this thread was that you will expect perfection from yourself.

    As to not taking anything personally, like your aim to spread love and light, this is a good aim to be moving toward, imperfectly. these kinds of quotes should be taken in context: sometimes it is wiser to take things personally, like abuse- and exit the situation instead of staying and trying to not take it personally. I like the other two quotes. But mostly I like the way you wrote your original post here, your own words.

    anita

    #108140
    Lisa Kelly
    Participant

    Hi Anita,

    Thanks for your comment! I do actually expect perfection from myself much of the time,and I can beat myself up about that if I feel I’ve fallen short, as everyone does from time to time. In personal relationships, it’s hard NOT to take things personally, even keeping in mind that everyone is living and acting from the place of their own stories and situations, but in dealing with the public, I do try to let it go after the workday. Which is still not always easy, but at least if I know I approached the interaction from a place of kindness and patience, I can feel better about it (and show my boss it was not my fault if it turned into a “thing” with a patron.)

    Your comment was also interesting, because in my personal life, I am moving on from a very imperfect long-term relationship that made me feel very worthless and incompetent and full of self-doubt, and even though it has only been a few short months, I have such a different perspective on what is an acceptable way to treat a person who is supposed to be one of your most cherished loved ones, and what is not acceptable, and should be walked away from so that healing can begin. I actually have been using a “Prayer of Release” to help me move forward. That situation lasted for so many years, that it will take me a long time to process that relationship from my new perspective.

    As I am making new friends and forging new relationships, it is definitely useful to remember that there is always some motion happening and some days, interactions may feel really in sync and other days, it may feel like the other person was a little distant or disengaged, or maybe I was feeling that way, and be aware that it’s normal and not take it personally.

    #108151
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear lisakelly619:

    You are welcome. Your post above is very thoughtful. I see how hard you do try in your life to be thorough and compete. You wrote: ” in my personal life, I am moving on from a very imperfect long-term relationship that made me feel very worthless and incompetent and full of self-doubt..”

    In a personal relationship, the quest to be perfect exacts a high price and achieves the complete opposite of the aim. Instead of achieving all-good, you achieve all-bad” – feeling “very worthless and incompetent and full of self doubt” is that all-bad I am referring to.

    When you aim at performing perfectly in a personal relationship you achieve the stark opposite. You come very short of your personal standards and so does the guy. When you try to be perfect, he gets the message that his imperfections, like yours, are unacceptable.

    When you allow yourself to be imperfect, you are allowing the other to be okay with being imperfect himself and so you have two naturally imperfect humans having a relationship instead of aiming at what is humanly impossible.

    anita

    #108337
    Lisa Kelly
    Participant

    Thank you for your reply. That relationship was with an alcoholic and drug addict, who was unable for many reasons to be a supportive husband and father while raising four children, who blamed me for everything he didn’t like about his life and responsibilities. Believe me, it’s hard to be perfect while raising four children with very little emotional support or partnership. I was not striving for perfection there, just a normal marriage, co-parenting partnership which I am now realizing was never going to be available to me with that person.

    #108343
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear lisakelly619:

    Regarding the Motion concept in relationships and your husband, from whom you are newly separated: by separating from him you made a one way distancing motion, and understandably so. With some people it shouldn’t be the closer-farther-closer natural motion, but a one way – far, far away motion. This is so regarding any abusive person in one’s life. There is a difference between being humanly imperfect and being abusive, and I am figuring your husband, being an alcoholic and a drug addict was abusive.

    Four children and newly separated.. I was going to write: what a challenge, but then I thought: it must have been a greater challenge to be married to him. It must have been very difficult. I have some experience with that, living with a drug addict- the misery of it.

    anita

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