Hi helen123,

I know what it is to love someone over a decade later. The heart knows no time, true love is always in the Now.

First of all, it was very wrong of his family to get that involved with the wedding. It was also wrong of him to be so influenced by them. But then, you both were young. As a mom, I don’t care if my kids get married in the town hall, frankly. The wedding’s just a ceremony and the reception’s just a dinner. Simple, lavish, what matters is the rest of your life after!

Is it possible ~ just possible ~ to see where he is and what he’s doing now? Meet for coffee? It will probably not go anywhere, but I’m sure thirty year old him is better than twenty year old him in terms of maturity. At the very least the spell will be broken if you meet him again and he’s not all that.

Then do a Ritual (you can make it up) releasing him once and for all. Once your heart and spirit let him go, I bet someone will immediately manifest. Nature abhors a vacuum.

Good Luck,

Inky

• This reply was modified 7 years, 12 months ago by Inky.

Dear helen123:

No, no… the universe is not punishing you. I am sure of that. And that man was not your soulmate. I am sure of that too because for one, I don’t believe in soulmates. We can write back and forth on why your relationships haven’t worked out, and we can find the reasons. The reason is NOT some entity (Universe/ God) punishing you.

You gave your money at the time to the guy and to his parents and did not get it back, even after he married. Not only that, but they wanted you/ your parents to pay for a BIG wedding, at the time. He sided with his parents demanding a big wedding, and fought with you over it, as I understand it. All this while your parents where not well off financially.

When you regret having ended that relationship long ago, does that mean you regret not coming up with the money for the big wedding they wanted? Do you regret not pressuring your parents to come up with the money?

anita

Dear helen123:

I am sorry you are unhappy and regretful.

If I was you, at 24, with my boyfriend and his parents insisted I came up with money for a big wedding, I wouldn’t have married the guy either. And if I gave money to the guy and his parents, as you did, and they never returned it, I wouldn’t like it.

It is night time for me and my thinking this whole evening is … weak. I would like to come back to your thread tomorrow morning. If you would like, you can share with me any information that can help me understand (tomorrow, in 10 hours or so from now) the reasons you think your relationships since (34-33, your age now?) didn’t work?

Can you pick up one relationship, the one that was better than the others, and describe the nature of communication, interactions, conversations… efforts: what was your part in getting closer to the man? What were his efforts?

anita

Dear helen123:

It seems to me that there are a few issues that stand in your way toward a loving relationship with a man, issues for you to consider and evaluate for accuracy or inaccuracy. These are possible issues:

1) lack of personal autonomy: you let family rule your personal affairs. Of great importance, unfortunately to you, is who his parents think and approve of and who your parents think and approve of. It should be who you approve of and who the man approve of, the choices of two individuals, not choices of whole families on both sides.

As far as religion goes, it is your choice whether to consider a man of a different religion. And if a man believes you are of a religion unacceptable to him, better not date that guy.

Notice, the second guy who was depressed: he was emotionally unavailable- that should have stopped you in that relationship, but the thought of your parents approving of him made you keep going with you, a mistake, once again, because it should be an individual choice, a personal autonomy issue.

2) Regret: if you came up with the money for a big wedding with the guy long ago, you could very well be miserable now.But you don’t know how it would have turned out. So now, that you are unhappy, you wrongly assume you would have been happy if you married him. This may very well not have been the case. If you paid for a big wedding at that time, you may have gone on giving in and pleasing him and his parents in every way they demanded. That would have made you very miserable.

Summary: I think it is very important for you to gain personal autonomy. Not only in being able to work and pay your bills, but to aim at being emotionally NOT dependent on his parents’ approval or disapproval, or on your parents’ approval or disapproval. Such dependency worked against you so far, not for you.

A major change in your mindset, needs to be made, is my input, for your own benefit. What do you think?

anita

Dear helen123:

First, your own parents proved to me that their advice for you on who to marry has not and will not be a valuable advice because they weren’t able to get along themselves for years, maybe always, and sadly, they weren’t capable of providing a safe, calm home for you. So it would be foolish to aim at getting their approval. Please remind yourself of this point when you forget it.

Second, it is quite clear to me that you wouldn’t have been happy if you were married to that guy long ago. Whenever you regret not marrying him, your regret is based on fantasy, not reality. Please remind this point to yourself… when you forget. (We do tend to forget).

Why is it so hard to find the one who would be a perfect match for you, you asked.

First, I would get rid of the expectation of a “perfect” match. A good-enough match will do. If you expect a perfect match, as there is no such thing as a perfect person, once again, fantasy will stand in your way.

Second, you evaluate a man to figure out, over time, if he is a good enough match. As you discard any thoughts about your parents approving or disapproving of him, make your own evaluation. Finding a good enough match is not a passive endeavor depending on fate or luck. It should be an active process. You STUDY the man, over time. Just as when you look for a dress to buy, you wouldn’t buy the first one you see, without studying the dress: is the size correct? Is it a day dress or a night dress… what does it take to wash it (laundry or dry clean) and so forth. You study the dress, learn about it: how it looks, how it fits, how it washes, does it need ironing, etc. Same with a man, only you take MORE time.

You look around the store, you study the dresses available. Coming to think about it, why don’t you write here what kind of a man would be a good enough match for you (similar to writing what kind of a dress you would be looking for)? Be as detailed as you can be, covering any relevant value and preference that applies to you.

anita

Dear helen123:

I like your list, clear and straight forward. Your chances of finding a good enough match following your guidelines above are way, way…way better than if you follow the past guideline: will my parents approve of him?

Very clear. Regarding physical attraction, if the man is not clearly unattractive, it is possible to feel attraction on a second, third… later date, do you think? If so, I would give it a few dates.

I like honesty very much. Over time you can learn this: does he take responsibility for his wrong doings or does he blame others time and time again. You can learn that from how he talks about others: are they always the ones at fault and he is the eternal victim? And then you can learn this aspect when there is conflict between the two of you.

Hard working, bold and yet kind hearted. I like these too. Now, how are you going to go about meeting men to study and evaluate? Maybe online dating? If so, you can write your profile there indicating what you are looking for, basic things about you, and then have access to men to study and evaluate. Again, it is taking the active approach and you do need to meet men. If online dating or another dating service is something you will consider, there is a way to do it that you can decide on ahead of time, so that you start with a useful and doable strategy.

What do you think?

anita