Home→Forums→Relationships→Moving on- anger management and sense of security
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October 6, 2016 at 7:20 pm #117388
ChauParticipantDear Anita
I think you are right. One of my struggles is i am still caught in this self blame. I realized a pattern: 1) When I thought of the good things she did/how she said we would get married/stay together–> 2) I thought i did something to sabotage it(or else how would it go wrong?)–> 3) caught in this self-blame
And this relationship is indeed in the past, but i would still ask ‘why would this be in the past?””Should it stay in the past?” thinking of all the things that she said and she promised. They seem to just happened yesterday. and I Guess deep down I do want a long term relationship, so I do keep blaming myself for destroying, well, sort of, destroying it.
I think i need to let go of the habit of thinking of them, which i am trying to do so by deleting them from my life. I feel like I am stuck with feeling the feelings. Or may be i am just too used to missing/thinking of a person, now the place is empty and i need to fill that space.Dear ccn
Thanks for your reply for reading the whole, I have written the whole story for these few months in here, must have taken you a lot of time to do so!
I am sorry to hear that you are going through a similar, difficult path, and with the relationship being secretive it makes things a lot worse. I think same-sex relationship often carries some sort of shame, that we need to hide it here and there as if we have done something wrong. Makes it extra hard, but in fact, no, for me there is nothing wrong with it.
Sometime, I feel I have exhausted my friends, and they feel like you should have moved on. I guess finding someone who can understand is important.
and same as you, there are times when things are better and other worse. These days i try to go swim/jog every day. I think that helps me feel more grounded. It cleared the heaviness.
Do share your thoughts to CNN, i think as you said, it’s important to do so so as to release the stress and let go of unwanted feelings.Thanks for all the input.
Appreciate it.
ChauOctober 6, 2016 at 8:45 pm #117394
AnonymousGuestDear Chau:
This relationship and this woman didn’t make you a more confident woman. It and she weakened you and therefore you struggle as much as you do. Her participation in the relationship with you harmed you. Not your doing, that was her doing. Her 50% was harmful to you.
I do hope you put her and the relationship in the past. I do believe you deserve way better than her and that relationship. There must be a better woman out there for you.
anita
October 7, 2016 at 9:00 pm #117509ChauParticipantHi anita
Thanks. When u say it i do realize everytime i talk to her, it just made me worse. But i guess my reminiscent nature that keeps me stuck. I will stay keeping them out of my life. It just takes time, but i think i will get there.
Thanks so much
ChauOctober 8, 2016 at 5:46 am #117541
ccnParticipantHi Chau,
The fact that it’s a same-sex situation is also exacerbated by the fact that Chinese (or in fact, without over-generalising, most Asian/oriental) culture, which is still rather conservative when it comes to talking about these things and accepting them. This was part of the reason she chose to give us up, in order for her to develop a more ‘socially acceptable’ relationship. I study university overseas, so it’s easier for me to withdraw myself emotionally and physically, because of the distance/time difference etc. Given that I couldn’t confide in my friends about the things that happened, I mostly keep my feelings to myself. I write them down on paper, type them out on my laptop or phone, and then sometimes discard them afterwards. I literally write down whatever is bothering me or occupying my mind, whatever pops up as I go along. For me it’s just important to get all my thoughts about this broken relationship out, so as to make space for other more important things, such as trying to do well in my degree, planning for further studies and getting fit. If you feel worried that your friends are getting weary of it, I recommend trying this method.
Having said that, though, sometimes I feel emptiness and tightness in my chest. I try my best to maintain a regular, healthy lifestyle, doing exercise daily, getting proper food and plenty of sleep. But still the heaviness slips in, at random times of the day. Mixed feelings are the most difficult to pin down – I don’t know whether I am still in love with her, or just the connection I had with her. I still feel somehow ‘territorial’/possessive about her, but I know I shouldn’t and have no reason to. But it’s affecting me to the point that I can’t concentrate on the things I try to do. I read in your reply to Anita that ‘may be i am just too used to missing/thinking of a person, now the place is empty and i need to fill that space.’ I think I understand this feeling. I read in various articles that you should try and replace this gap with new hobbies. But I find it difficult to fill a space with inanimate objects/interests when it was once occupied by someone you deeply loved. And I don’t want to randomly choose someone to fill up this space either, I prefer relationships that are nurtured over time and have solid basis.
Make the best out of what you can now, and build up a better self to be ready when someone/something new enters your life. Above all, I hope you regain peace and joy soon.
October 10, 2016 at 5:42 am #117691
MishikaParticipantHi
Chau,I think you are just carrying the weight of insecurity with you as you also mentioned.Imagine that you are obliged to carry some weight all the time. You may then not be able to sleep, walk or talk properly .
Insecurity is one such burden, which the soul is unable to carry for long.
We human beings always crave for what we don’t have. We thirst for water if the water content in our body gets deficient. We crave for food when the body needs more energy and nutrition.
Just let go of her if she has already moved on.
Nothing is perfect. Not our days, not our friends or loved ones, not even us!
Just allow yourself and her to be real.
Realise all the things you could have done for yourself and all the things you want to do for yourself and be more attuned with your desires and goals .mishika
November 2, 2016 at 12:45 am #119406ChauParticipantThanks Ccn and Mishika
I went for another trip for a retreat last month, trying to put everything down by detaching from everything.
that works well.
Now I am more stable and i realized I there were days when I didn’t really think of her(finally), and when I do and when there are emotions, i understand they fade in the end.
I hope this lasts. and thanks for all the kind wordsChau
November 2, 2016 at 9:11 am #119427AnonymousGuestDear Chau:
I realize I missed your post directed at me of October 7. You wrote there: “But i guess my reminiscent nature that keeps me stuck.” In your last post above (glad you are back every time that you are!) you wrote that you understand that the thoughts about her “fade in the end.”
To encourage the fading of those thoughts, following your retreat, when you find yourself thinking about her, you don’t have to KEEP thinking about her.
I used to believe that I had no control over my thoughts. My thoughts took over me. And emotions are attached to thoughts, often. So my thoughts and emotions took me for a ride whenever they… happened, in my brain.
I am learning that this is not necessary, that it is possible to notice the thinking, then.. think: is there anything I need to do about what I am thinking about? If my answer is No, then I let go because it is useless thinking, nothing that I need to do.
Try to discern, as you think about anything too much: is there anything I need to practically DO about it? If not, gently let go of the useless thinking.
anita
November 3, 2016 at 2:21 am #119473ChauParticipantHi Anita
That’s fine, thanks for replying every single time, appreciate it!
The retreat that i did was a yoga retreat, basically I adopted a routine of morning and evening yoga.
I realize when I do it, it is connecting my mind body and soul, and I can concentrate on my breathing. and ‘control’ my thoughts.
choosing to concentrate in my movements instead of the thoughts that keep coming in.
I think a lot of time, I just let my emotions override me, i let myself feel them so deeply when they come, at least in my first 30 years of life.
And i realize it’s a delicate balance, feeling the emotions and to accept them, VS knowing some emotions don’t require action and letting them go. I don’t know if I am making sense, but I think sometime I feel them deeply and I recover, while other times I need to prevent some emotions/thoughts from coming up so they don’t further harm me.When I do think of her/miss her, it’s from deep down of my heart, feel like it’s attached to my heart. and so from time to time, I have hard time in letting go of that ‘missing’ feelings, coz it’s…stuck to my heart.
Anyways,i think your advice is very valid to me. I will try to logically think of what serves me and what doesn’t, what requires action and what are useless, and let useless thinking go.
Take good care!
Chau
November 3, 2016 at 9:33 am #119558AnonymousGuestDear Chau:
Thoughts and Emotions are connected, but they are not the same.
When you miss her, that emotion/ feeling that is “stuck in your heart, that is not a thought. I suggested letting go of thoughts that don’t require action. When you feel that missing feeling stuck in your heart, you can’t let go of it. It is… stuck. So you make peace with it. Accept it without thinking.
That missing her is not primarily about her, your ex. It is primarily about you, has to do with your need for love, a need that predates your ex by many years. There is information in that need, that feeling/ emotion.
I wonder if thoughts about that old need, such a persistent need, can lead you to some action that will address it. It will not be action such as reconnecting with her, because the need predates her.
anita
November 18, 2016 at 8:42 am #120638ChauParticipantDear anita
Thanks. This makes a lot of sense to me.
Especially when i re read it again, it gives me new light.
Remember i talked about quitting and wanting to travel?
I talked to my boss and eventually i was given two months leave, its kind of sudden but late dec to late feb is the time frame where i can leave.
So i will be leaving home for two months.
But i had a sudden feeling of insecurity popping up, as soon as i booked the flight, reading your post, i think it might be this insecurity that made me cling onto her. The need for acceptance, the fear of being alone and detaching from the world, forgotten or abandoned.
I remembered i had this feeling before, when i was climbing up the mountains in nepal, i had high altitudd sickness and i felt like i would die, and i so wanted to cling on to my then partner, who was no around.
But eventually i reached the high pass,and it became one of the most valuable experience in my life.
Its scary to put myself out there alone, and my “scared of insecurity ” self is dragging me and nagging me, although this is something that i have been thinking of for a long time, go out and explore the world.
Quite nervous now. Wish me luck!
ChauNovember 18, 2016 at 9:05 am #120644AnonymousGuestDear Chau:
Good to read from you again, as always. Your experience climbing the mountains in Nepal is very valuable: when you felt danger, thought you were going to die, you wanted your then partner to be with you. And this is what I get from this experience: the more alone we are as children, the more scared we are, and the deeper our need for a parent to comfort us, to be there with us. For a child, being alone feels like great danger, because a child is physically depending on an adult for care taking and protection.
A child growing up (emotionally, if not physically) alone, carries this attachment to adulthood. All adults need others, but a lonely child grows up to need others more desperately than a child growing up with a togetherness with parents.
You asked for me to wish you luck- I wish you luck and courage. When you feel scared, remind yourself that you can take care of yourself now, protect yourself. You don’t need another to feed yourself, dress yourself, plan your day, make choices, manage your day, you can do these things. The more you trust yourself to take good care of yourself, the less fear you will feel, and the less desperate the attachment to others.
Do post again, before your travel and anytime otherwise.
anita
December 15, 2016 at 1:17 am #122760ChauParticipantDear Anita
Again, thanks for your reply.
I understand what you mean, I think as a person who is very sensitive to emotions and everything, I felt that my parents were neglectful of me when i was a child. Not that they didn’t care or were intentional. It was just that I needed that emotional bond very much, which resulted in me feeling afraid to reach out even when i was a child: I couldn’t get what I wanted from them, and i felt i was left alone to deal with all the emotions and loneliness.
This reminds me of how much i crave for emotional connection in my relationship. I basically broke up with my prior ex, because I couldn’t feel the connection, although in fact we did get along quite ok and were committed in the relationship.
I am beginning to see this trip as a little test to how I adapt to things, and how to live in the moment.
On Monday I realized I was late in booking an activity which might result in not able to go to this particular tour entirely. I was panicky and was very nervous for the whole afternoon, but gradually there was a voice in my head that reminded me that ‘it’s ok’. Worst would be i couldn’t go for this tour. or may be i can postpone it or something. I very quickly calm down after that.
I think eventually, I have learned such a valuable lesson from this experience, which i often say to my friends now “I wont’ let anything or anything take away my peace of mind(-well i would try not to)”That was a terrible period
For now I feel lonely from time to time, trying to get back to dating scene yet somehow feeling a bit stuck. I think i still that connection very much,just that i need to be patience i guess.
I will for sure take good care of myself, Thanks you AnitaMay I wish you a merry christmas and a wonderful new year
Chau
December 15, 2016 at 7:36 am #122770AnonymousGuestDear Chau:
Merry Christmas to you too, and a wonderful New Year!
Having craved an emotional bond as a child and having been” left alone to deal with all the emotions and loneliness”- is very, very difficult for a child. And as you physically grow up and become an adult, that craving- that need mixed with pain- does not disappear.
I like your intent to attain and maintain your peace of mind- through difficulties and problems. Do pay attention to how you feel and what you think, correct your thoughts if they are incorrect as you calm yourself, live in the moment, one moment at a time, best you can.
Looking forward to your next update.
anita
January 25, 2017 at 3:05 pm #126144ChauParticipanthi anita and all
hope you all had a wonderful start of a new year! i have been travelling alone in south america on my own for four weeks now, exactly in te middle of it.
i had my high and lows, highs being first immersed in another totally remote country, meeting people from all over the world, and experience wonders on earth. low being alone yet needing to take care of everything, breaking the camera that my brother lent with a stupud mistake( and i still ruminate on it and keep blaming myself since its a gift some years ago for my sister in law)
and ocassionally sites dont turn out to be the way they were expected.
my ex and my ex-fd ocassionally came up to my mind as well, which really surprised me since i thought i was quite over it by now.
today i have just postponed my trip for a day just to take a good night sleep , as well as i was totally down because of the breakdown of the camera( its very minor i know, yet i blamed myself for the whole day), i feel like i want to go home now, being alone out in the other half of the world suddenly feels lonely.
usually this “home sick feeling kicks in after i travel for two or three weeks, i dont know what will happen when i pass through that, i have never done that.
flashbacks in places at home often pops up at times, its interesting to realize places that i have never really felt so strongly about, are actually quitr imprinted in my mind.
i was also having a bad time talking to one of my friend who cares dearly, saying that leaving home for two months is selfish, knowing tha chinese new year is coming and that we are chinese, and that one of my uncle passed away recently and i was not around.
i thought of shortening my journey, i realie as i travel around the sites, thinhs are similar and they do not excit me as much as i expected. but i guess i still want to complete it, for whatever sake.
i hope all is well on your side and take good care until we talk again.
best wishes
chauJanuary 25, 2017 at 7:40 pm #126153AnonymousGuestDear chau:
Instead of going to the tourist attractions only, travel without planning where, maybe? That is adventure, the unexpected- going north, or south, or west or east, just moving on, see what happens? Keep safe, but plan less. And what if you don’t worry about taking photos and instead live in the moment best you can. No need to take photos, be there on your travels just to be there, not so to look later at photos.
I remember I was in Paris, alone, like you, and there was the Eifel Tower. Not interesting and yet I went up on it because it is a tourist attraction and everyone does it. I took photos. The experience meant nothing to me. Years later, I threw away all my photo albums of all my travels. I have no copies.
Back to France, or close to it, Belgium. I unexpectedly found myself in a local dragon-celebration of some sort (don’t remember the name of the celebration) in an antique looking little town. I was there totally by accident (there was a bus strike and I got there otherwise). It was most enjoyable and meant a lot to me!
The loss of the camera- I beat myself up a whole lot for losing material things on my travels and otherwise. Now I realize I lost years of my life, no decades of my life, and my whole youth in so much misery that it makes losing the material things I have lost as very minor losses.
Every moment you lose in misery, rumination, is life lost. You are way, way, way… more valuable than the camera. Value you. You are not selfish… you are valuable! Go have an adventure!
anita
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