November 4, 2014 at 10:46 am #67311
I’m pretty new to this site but it has already helped me so much. So I’m hoping that someone can relate or help with my current situation. I’m looking for some advice on letting go. I recently broke out of a pretty toxic relationship. We had been dating for a year and I found out he was pursuing someone else. I had already tried to break free of him a few times however I always try and see the good in people, When he came crawling back with these grand gestures I always thought it would be different. This was the last straw. I cut things off with him and he was pretty torn up. Of course he wouldn’t admit to any wrong doing and made promises that I knew weren’t going to last. I stood my ground and cut off contact. a couple week after I saw on social media they had started dating. I knew that I needed to stay away from the temptation of checking up on him so I deleted him from everything. It has now been 2 months and I just ran across a photo of them together. It really got to me. I can’t help but compare myself to her. Wondering if she’s prettier or more exciting than me. Wondering if he somehow changed for her.
Although I know breaking away from him was for the better, and I know that I deserve better, why is it so hard to see your Ex dating someone else. In my case, he was dating the very person that was the cause of our breakup.
I am fairly young, 21 to be exact. Recently one of my cousins asked to borrow my prom dress. I got the dusty box out of my closet and let her try it on. Although I knew that I would never wear it again, it probably didn’t even fit me anymore, the sight of her in my dress gave me the same feeling of seeing my Ex with someone new. Jealousy.
How do I let go, move on and see my own worth?
Thank you!November 4, 2014 at 12:55 pm #67321
Hey Alexandria – You invested your time and energy in a relationship that was not healthy for you. You wanted to see the good in him and you overlooked the not so good. It happens to the best of us. We can never control what our partner desires or how they behave. We can only control our own actions. You were hurt by him because he chose another person. This is extremely painful to most of us. The jealousy comes from a sense of loss. You lost a person who you loved and invested time in for what ever his reasons (or lack of reasons) are. If he cheated on you while you were in a committed relationship, its his loss. He has only cheated himself on his own personal integrity. There will always be somebody more pretty or more exciting. There will always be a guy more charming or handsome. When we enter a healthy relationship, we realize that the love that two people share is far more beautiful and lasting than looks or personality. These things are temporary. Unless he changes radically, this will happen again and again. So really, you have lost nothing. You have nothing to be jealous of. As for the prom dress, let it go 🙂 PeaceNovember 4, 2014 at 1:24 pm #67324
You and I seem to be in a pretty similar boat. I’m 22, and I dated my ex/first love for around 2 1/2 years, and during the last year or so we had many problems, and many issues that often surrounded another “friend” of his (a girl). He used to make me feel very guilty and feel like I was in the wrong for being uncomfortable with the amount of time he wanted to spend with this girl, however in the end, it turns out I was right. We broke up some months ago (not specifically because of her), and he told me about a month and a half ago that they are “dating” now, and leaving the country together for a job opportunity abroad. Like you, I am the type who always tries to see the good in people, and always tried to remain on good terms with my ex. But also like you, after this piece of news, I realized I could not keep putting myself through this kind of pain and deleted him from everything. This tore him up too, but it had to be done. And, like you, I also accidentally came across a picture of the two of them together and it completely tore me up inside. I know exactly how you feel. As for jealousy, even though I am not usually like this, I too have recently found myself feeling twinges of jealousy around my friends who have significant others and who are happy. And sometimes my thoughts wander to my ex and this girl, and I find myself wondering how she compares to me. And again, like you, I’m fairly new to this site but I’ve also found it to be quite helpful:) Now maybe I can give back a little:)
Though I can’t speak as someone who has completely gotten over the pain that this kind of situation brings, I can share with you some insights that I have learned so far along the way and that have helped me in moving on. First of all, trust that you deserve better, because you do. Don’t settle for someone who doesn’t make you completely happy, and who doesn’t care enough about you to respect you or to stop making empty promises and empty apologies. Second, allow yourself to feel everything. Don’t try to go around any of the hurt, but allow yourself to go through it. Embrace your suffering without nourishing it. You are so much more than one emotion, and so much more than one person (him). Let the feelings come but don’t attach yourselves to them…invite them in and let them pass. Also, always remember that whatever you feel is OKAY. There is NOTHING wrong with any of the negative emotions you experience, be they feelings of anger, betrayal, hurt, jealousy, etc. Don’t look at these emotions as a “problem,” but just as what is. And finally, the hardest part, learn to accept and let go. This is much easier said than done, of course, and I myself am still struggling with all of this as well, but I am getting better every day and I can see that this isn’t going to last forever. Believe that things work out they way they should in the end. Do things you love with the people you love and find yourself. I, for example, am also working abroad for the year doing what I love, and have met some amazing friends that I know will be there for life. Live now, and let go of what has hurt you in the past. Take care of your own happiness first, and in that way you’ll find it easier to make other people happy, too. Also, realize that this is normal and that you are not alone. Sometimes in life, these types of things happen, and they happen a lot and to a lot of people. This is not at all said with the intention to diminish the importance of your pain in comparison to someone else…I only say this because at least for me, it really helps knowing that other people have gone through this and have made it out the other end happy. So try your very best to breathe, accept, and let go. Know that it’s all okay.
We’re young, and we’re positive, and I like to believe that things will work out for us in the end:) Jealousy is one of the worst feelings you can encounter, in my opinion. It hurts a lot. But just think of all of the good things in life that you have, and will have. To quote U2, “What you don’t have, you don’t need it now.” I hope I was able to help even a little! Stay strong, it will be ok<3November 4, 2014 at 3:08 pm #67332
Thank you for your kind words. Although these irrational thoughts can get the best of me at times, you are right.November 4, 2014 at 3:14 pm #67333
Thank you for your reply! Yes it is very comforting to know someone else is feeling the same way. Most of my friends have never gone through this type of thing so to actually talk to someone who has is really amazing. Thank you for your tips, It is definitely a daily struggle right now but I can see the light at the end of the tunnel.
I also wish you the best with your journey, thanks again!November 5, 2014 at 1:44 am #67356
This too shall pass. This is a part of grieving for what could have been. Read this too.http://tinybuddha.com/blog/nothing-will-be-enough-if-relationship-isnt-right/November 5, 2014 at 6:16 am #67364
Hi Alexandria,sometimes things don’t work out the way u want them to,I will say to forgive and move on not for anyone else but for ur own peace of mind bcoz it takes less energy to love and forgive than to stay angry and hold a grudge.and also if that person deserved u he won’t have ever leave u alone.don’t isolate yourself,share your feelings with people u genuinely care about and u will b back to urself where ur true power lies.after the darkness of night the bright day comes.its only a step of courage that counts.tk c.tk cr.sandeepNovember 5, 2014 at 11:00 am #67370
I had nearly the exact thing happen to me with my first ‘love.’ Literally, the second we broke up he was dating this girl I had weird vibes from… I was so heartbroken. I kept asking, “How can you just throw away 2 years like it means nothing to you?” I was being a huge social media creep and couldn’t stop looking and comparing. Your situation totally resonates with me.
But I have good news – those feelings will go away with time and you will realize that you are SO happy you aren’t with him anymore. You will also realize that your relationship with him has helped you learn about yourself and also what you DO want out of a relationship. So when Mr. Right comes along, you may realize, “Wow, I’m glad I’m not with So-and-so and I’m glad I learned something from that experience.” That’s one way I looked at the positive, and it really helped 🙂 Something I also did that really helped and felt good was write a letter to my ex. I didn’t give it to him or anything, I just wrote all the things I wish I could say with no filter. It felt great to get the anger, resentment, sadness on paper in front of me. Maybe try that! Or take up a hobby to release some steam. It’s good that you cut off contact for 2 months, and it’s unfortunate you came across a photo. Just remember: don’t compare your behind the curtains with somebody’s highlight reel! You got this 🙂
– CNovember 5, 2014 at 3:44 pm #67391
I’m in very much the same boat, it hurts a lot and I see him everywhere and there’s so many painful reminders everywhere I go
I pass him every morning and afternoon on the way to work and there’s only one route to get to work. Such a struggle to put the past behind you when it’s in your face all the time. Reading so much on letting go of the past and to accept it and move on. Desperately trying to put this behind me.
Unfortunately I work in a job that is fairly slow paced and a lot of the time I have the office to myself – so much time to overthink all the things I could have done to change the situations of the past and all the regrets and hurt.
I know this will make me stronger but I just want to move on already and be happy without having my stomach in knots all the time.
I have experienced so much that a 24 yr old shouldn’t have to deal with. It’s been a lonely road and full of people who use my kindness to their advantage and walk all over me. I don’t have a very active social life because of this. Distractions serve as a good tool to move on and to stop the overthinking but there’s only so much tv or books you can read.
Does anyone have any suggestions that may help? I read books and do lots of exercise, yoga & meditation but always being on my own and feeling disconnected from other people leaves this emptiness inside me. I think so much about his life with her – its damaging me and I don’t want to think about it but its a thought pattern that is very much ingrained in my mind. He only lives around the corner from me so it makes me feel yuk that my whole relationship with him was all lies. I was the fun on the side while he had a r/ship with another person. I know he doesn’t deserve me but he made me happy and it’s hard to believe I will find someone who will fill that space again.
I want to be a strong independent woman who can focus on herself and not need anyone to feel fulfilled. I want to be happy being on my own. I know time will help but months go by and it’s still the same.
If anyone on here is going through this and has any wise words would be great to hear from you.
Thank you xJanuary 6, 2017 at 11:30 pm #124743
Ggood day i an from sputh africa ,I’m wondering if anyone can give me ssome advice. My ex boyfriend and I were ttogether for almost 5 years. In our second yyeare we had a by girl. We stayed together as a ffamily. When our daughter was just over a year hwe decided family life wasn’t for him not yet aunaware that he had interests somewhere else. Hhe was abusive drinking, bad temper and aattacked my son 10 years old physically then he kkept on saying that he wants to enjoy his prime aas he was younger than I and I had my chance. Oour relationship started as only fun but soon aafter het told me he loved me! I was hesitant bb this guy seemed like he fell out of heaven. So in 2014 he left us the first time…..3 months later he comes begging back saying all kinds of things and promises like he will get help and that he is on Meds to calm him down. So he moved back….things were rocky but stable at times. In Feb 2016 we mover to a new house our dream house, but this GSM were bad, conot ant drinking, verbal abuse and drugs. 5 months after we moved in he tells me he met some one bit told hher he is engages for almost 5 years and has a little girl and is not interested! A week later he tells me again if it wasn’t for me standing in his way he would have been doing this girl the whole nite! 2 weeks later he physically hits me for not going home as per normal as I went seeking refuge at my parents house. He immediacy begged and pleaded that he is sorry and he just snapped! I was on my way to leave and went to friend for the night! Him thinking that was it wrote me a disturbing letter stating that he has a demon inside him and that he is emotionally fucked up! And that he is a bad person and that he thinks both of them (refering to himself and himself) does not know what they want.also saying that he cant take the family life! I spoke to him and said we will get help together we made up and for a week he couldn’t stop texting me at work how much he loves me and how amazing I am, a week later he takes our daughter saying he is going to his parents. I said ok u sure why the sudden up and go. So about an hour later I text hI’m on my way back from the shop close to his moms house saying I’m coming gaan around. …quickly he text me back saging he is not there anymore but went to a theme park! He hates those places he didn’t last an hour there with me. I immediately picked up something strange! He only came home from the 4 hours later. As he got home he was distant and stiff and when I asked him want was wrong he blurred out I don’t love you anymore! Ok now my mind is racing last week I was amazing and loved me so much a week later it’s different? What??? So there wasn’t a fight or anything he got up to leave then sat back down then he tells met to forget what he saidoes the he get up again until I said enough you made your choice. That was the last time I saw him. A week later he is with a young girl bareley out of school with a little girl our daughters age. Now in the letter he said he can’t take the family life then why the help did he go for someone with a child his own daughters age? We also found out that she left her long term relationship for him. He is very charming good looking and a good actor and manipulator, Now we are busy with court cases for the abuse and trying to expose hI’m as a risk in the long run and he is fighting for visitation and access als claiming he can’t pay child support…yet he is building a home for the new family, goespecially on hOldways and now 4 month after our break up he is engaged to her! So he had money to buy a ring too. Yet his own blood lost het home 3 times in her 4 years deu to her own father but the non biological gets everything that he took from his own child. What a loser! Think he is a Narcissist. Hope he goes to he’ll for what he put us through. Now my question. He left us for this girl and her child a a week later after the break up I heard they are together and moved in together! So it being a rebound after he entered the new relationship, will it last as they are already engaged 4 months into the new relationship! And because they both ended their previous relationships for eachother. Will it last? As we are going on month 6 now. I do think want him back. I’m just interested to know if he will get his share of karma and heartbreak like we did. Or will this end happily ever after for him as his new lady is trying to play mommy for my child and he is pushing for them to be a happy family?
Also we came to an agreement but when I rose concerns to him that our daughter now 4 told me after spending a day with him. Firstly he told me it’s going to be a daddy daughter day yet she told me it was their family day and that he said she must give the other woman hugs but she doesn’t like her. He freak and sent me a nasty vindictive abusiness text and said the agreement is off the table ant that I will se my aso in court now as he is no longer a risk and that my evidince won’t hold up as I let her go with him. So know he trapped me how can I use my witness statements and audios in court I’d I let her go with him without supervision. This how bad this guy is. And he claims this girl has changed him. His parents told me ha had issues from a young age! Only showed his true colours after 3 years. How long before this new lady sees it too? I’m sorry for all the questions it’s just I’m up to my ears in worry!January 6, 2017 at 11:41 pm #124744
Isorry just a better stating of my question. If he left us for her a week after our break up, and she left her guy for him both is in rebound right? So how long will such an relationship last if they are already engaged and playing happy family 5 months now I to the new relationship ship? Also if he cheated on me twice now what is the odds he will cheat on her?January 7, 2017 at 7:09 am #124754
* Dear minandi:
I hope you will never allow him back in your life as an intimate partner. And not anyone else who is abusive to your children and to you.
I hope you persist in your court case/s and win so to protect your daughter from him, and hopefully protect other children. I sure hope the court will side with you.
As to your questions: no, there will be no “happily ever after” love story for him, his new girlfriend or their children. There is no… happily-ever-after for anyone, really. From your descriptions of his behaviors and his… demon talk, he is unwell. But he will try to prove to the court that he is well and that his new family is a happily-ever-after kind of family. It will be up to the judge to believe who he/ she chooses to believe.
I don’t think he is a happy man but a very troubled man and his new girlfriend/ to be wife is unfortunate to be living with him. Don’t believe appearances, don’t believe what he says (about how happy he is/ they are, etc.) – he is motivated to lie, and not for the first or last time.
You are in a very, very difficult situation. Please focus all your energy and resources to protect the children.
anitaJanuary 11, 2017 at 12:08 am #125036
This reply has been reported for inappropriate content.
My name are Bene Alexandru Valeria,my life became devastated when my husband sent me packing, after 8 years that we have been together. I was lost and helpless after trying so many ways to make my husband take me back. One day at work, i was absent minded not knowing that my boss was calling me, so he sat and asked me what its was all about i told him and he smiled and said that it was not a problem. I never understand what he meant by it wasn’t a problem getting my husband back, he said he used a spell to get his wife back when she left him for another man and now they are together till date and at first i was shocked hearing such thing from my boss. He gave me an email address of the great spell caster who helped him get his wife back, i never believed this would work but i had no choice but to get in contact with the spell caster which i did, and he requested for my information and that of my husband to enable him cast the spell and i sent him the details, but after two days, my mom called me that my husband came pleading that he wants me back, i never believed it because it was just like a dream and i had to rush down to my mothers place and to my greatest surprise, my husband was kneeling before me pleading for forgiveness that he wants me and the kid back home, then i gave my boss a call regarding sudden change of my husband and he made it clear to me that my husband will love me till the end of the world, that he will never leave my sight. Now me and my husband is back together again and has started doing pleasant things he hasn’t done before, he makes me happy and do what he is suppose to do as a man without nagging. Please if you need help of any kind, kindly contact GREAT MUTABA for help and you can reach him via email: firstname.lastname@example.org or whats-app him at +2348054681416