March 19, 2017 at 1:20 pm #140583
Henry Alec McLeodParticipant
So when I a kid, I was raised with fundamentalist Christian grandmother. I still live with her to this day and every time I came out as a nonbeliever she would play the hell card. This was only when I came out and I no longer fear the Christian God or the Christian hell. Because there are tons of contradictions which both cannot be true. She never harms or yells if she assumes I am a Christian. I would come out as a Buddhist many times as a kid, but she would always remind me of Fire and brimstone to put fear in me. But today I just keep my mouth shut because of punishment.
But this fear isn’t done yet. My fear switched from the Christian hell to the Buddhist hell. I think according to Buddhism, you don’t go to heaven just by being a Buddhist and obviously if one messes up this life so badly then they are reborn in to hell or if one reaches nirvana then they are reborn into heaven. But rebirth is just a cycle until one destination is picked.
This fear has driven me to perfectionism. I constantly think about other people. In fact that’s the only thing I think about. I feel like I think of myself AT ALL, then I have not reached nirvana yet. I have completely denied myself my needs and wants. I give everything I have away including my food, my possessions and my money. I never say no even when my mind doesn’t want it. I compliment other people so much they think it’s annoying. I also never talk about myself around other people or even when by myself.
This fear is so intense that I feel guilty and selfish even for doing basic stuff, such as eating, sleeping or hygiene even to a minimum amount. I even feel selfish that I am able to write this and have a roof over my head. My mind thinks “someone in the world isn’t able to enjoy this.” My body hurts so bad but my childhood fears are still in me. I really would appreciate if you took the time and replied back for me. I’ve been doing this all my life because it’s all I’ve known.March 19, 2017 at 3:33 pm #140619
I saw that you had a conflicting post with this – stating that you don’t understand why people think your codependency is bad. Boundaries are a necessity for all of us. You state that you feel guilty and selfish but, in reality, codependency is about how he /I/ interacts with ours. It is about how we (the codependents) are in the other’s lives. It is not necessarily about the other people, even if we THINK it is.
It is good that you acknowledge these thoughts are unhealthy and ruining your livelihood. May I ask how old you are, just to gauge how long you’ve been dealing with this? It might be good to journal and look up on ways to be healthier.
As the blog just posted http://tinybuddha.com/blog/need-please-ruining-life/ it might be a great place to start.
Best of luck,
LacienagaApril 7, 2017 at 9:39 pm #144137
I’m a Christian but I don’t believe in hell, I believe in God’s love and forgiveness and Christ promised that even the criminal who was crucified next to him would be in “paradise”. I believe we will all experience that paradise in our next life, that’s my belief and I will stay true to it.
Like this website I found says, even the worst of people at the worst of times were not condemned to hell. I also hold the belief that not everything in the bible is the word of God. Just live with love in your heart, do your best to cope with any pain you experience and find people, grow connections and have friends and places you can go to that reaffirm your positive beliefs.
Here’s the link, hope you find it useful in dispelling that Christian wrath of God that has been used by too many, even if you are now a buddhist.
I’ve had to learn again that the way I was brought up was not right. My mother, although she meant well, sort of built God up to be something I should fear. Whenever I did something bad she would say things like, God is watching you, be careful because God sees what you’re doing. I held onto that for so much of my life. But I don’t believe that was ever true.
I don’t believe that God holds onto resentment. I think even the worst of people will be made right when they meet God.
I myself don’t believe in reincarnation/multiple lives but I respect everyone’s beliefs. Hope you can overcome your fear and just live authentically.