James –

I’m glad you wrote – been thinking about you.

I’m sorry that you’re hitting this tough, lonely time when you want something in return.

I can empathize – because I’m there, too. And I know how hard it is to muster the emotions to feel good about yourself when the one person who promised to be your soul mate isn’t encouraging – in fact, her not encouraging is discouraging. I know. I know. I know. And it’s hell. And while my wife and I have made positive steps, we have some ways to go ourselves. But it is far from over.

Here’s something that I recently discovered that has significantly moved our needle in the right direction. My wife and I have been married more than 23 years. It occurred to me how much different (and younger) we were then – and so was our marriage. So, marriages change, shift, weaken and strengthen over time. Like Jessi wonderfully said, “you’re going through a dark tunnel right now.”

When you and your wife first fell in love you were different people, too. But with years, children, stress, jobs, children’s medical issues (a big one for you guys), etc., those old incredible, sugar-coated feelings for one another waned. You are no longer discovering new things about one another. And you’re depressed. And depression is nothing to take for granted.

What helped with us is that instead of worrying about if my wife liked me, I focused on liking myself. I put energy into becoming a 2.0 version of my former self. I took up running. I started painting again. I didn’t ignore my wife and children. In fact, when my wife was busy or not interested in doing anything with me, I took my girls on “Daddy Dates” – to the movies, hiking, Saturday breakfast at some unique diner, etc. This is key: I found my happiness outside of my wife. But it didn’t mean I had to end my marriage. On the contrary, I realized that the more I kept pursuing her, the more she withdrew. So, I changed my actions toward her to “acts of service” – which is her Love Language. Oh, it’s hard. I desire her a ton. But if I channel my energy and attention elsewhere, the contentment fills the void. And, it’s quality time with my daughters – time well invested for any dad.

Of course, the “Pursuer—Distancer Dance” is nothing new – couples fall into it without much though. Here’s a great article on it, and additional tips on how to break it. (Ignore the fact that the examples they use have the genders flopped.)

How To Break Out Of The Pursuer-Distancer Dance

Build back your confidence. And believe me, there’s nothing women find more attractive than a guy who’s genuinely confident. She’ll notice – eventually.

Again, I’m going through this sh#t, too. Write back. I’m here.

Wishing you peace tonight.

Ninja

Hello James,

Glad to hear you are doing better. I wholeheartedly agree with Ninja on connecting with your girls and focusing on them while building your confidence. There is something about the unconditional love of your child that has a way of mending the hurt. Looking forward to hearing an update from you in a week or so. Have a great week!

Ninja,
I love everything you’ve said – it’s men like you and James that give me hope that men really do want to make things work and not give up when the going gets tough. That hasn’t been my experience, but something I’ve always wanted. I know that it might be slow going, but I’m sure your wife truly appreciates what you’re doing and while it takes time the building blocks you’re laying down will strengthen your bond.

Just remember that coal would stay a lump of black rock without pressure – its the pressure that makes the diamond!

Peace & Love,
Jessi

Best thing I see is for you two to move on , she is struggling to find the once love she had for you but it’s not their. She misses what you once had, sees the man you are , but can’t find it heart to love you anymore. You tried and put effort to bring back the love but it’s not their in her heart no feeling. A relationship takes two not one . As for her bout with depression, she blames you for the reason, but you were their for in the only way you knew how, that is taking care of the family and doing your best to be there for her when you could. And maybe she uses that as a reason for feeling the lack of love for you but maybe it’s something else inside. Maybe she need to find more meaningful tasks in her life that this is not what she wants anymore. Your love and marriage was good, and she knows that, it’s why she is still around, but it is not the life she wants with you, she doesn’t love you . I know it hurts but it’s time to move on shake hands and agree you two had a good run together, and be at peace with each other.

Dear James:

It may be tough to become dependably happy with the pressure that if you won’t succeed- your marriage will be over. How can you be happy when there is a threat hanging over you: if I am not happy, my wife will divorce me?

Your bouts of sadness/ depression are not separate from your relationship with your wife. How can you heal your depression as if it was not connected to the relationship; what if your depression has a lot to do with the status of the relationship?

anita

People have this belief that everything can be fixed. Doctors and medical equipment dealers cater to it with life-support machines. Clergy of various stripes cater to it by claiming that their particular dogma will fix, save, etc..

There’s a saying: It’s all over but the crying.

Unfortunately, some things simply can’t be fixed.

You can’t “make” somebody love you. Love is a personal choice that an individual makes. Trust me, there were times when I truly loved someone and it wasn’t reciprocated, and it really hurt.

You can change your approach to things, but ultimately, it’s up to the other person to believe or not believe. To love or not to love.

My thought is that both parties are experiencing depression because each of you are looking back over the years at experiences, etc. and missing what was. There are also the children, which are a complicating factor.

Based on what has been presented, it appears that the marriage is basically dead with whatever outward displays being the relationship equivalent of say the autonomic nervous system’s final death twitches.

James –

I would be very cautious here. While I’m certain that everyone is responding with the very best intentions in an effort to help you and your family find peace, you are definitely getting a broad spectrum of direction here.

I agree with Anita that this is a great opportunity to invite a renewed sense of openness and honesty into your relationship. Rekindling healthy dialog can be the basis of rekindling a relationship.

While some of the advice here is solid, I will say this: your relationship is not dead.

There are several hopeful signs that your wife does care:
– She admits that you are now everything she wants in a husband
– She has cried in front of you
– She has said she was surprised by your positive efforts, fighting for you both

If your wife had been expressing apathy and indifference, then I would be worried. Believe me, if I thought you should end this I would tell you to do so. I have suggested this to other people in other threads. But in your case, I too have a saying, “It’s always the darkest before the dawn.”

Also, your two girls are more than “complicating factors.” They are your girls. You owe it to them to give this everything – and you are! I know, there have been—and will continue to be—major peaks and major valleys. And it can be pure, frustrating hell. I’m there, too. My suggestion is to follow Anita’s advice and be as open and honest with your wife as possible. Also, follow your counselor’s guidance. Don’t try to “find happiness” all at once. Maybe someday. But take it day by day – and set an earlier goal of simply finding peace. And lowering the tension and frustration level in your home will help everyone – including your girls. Big time.

Lastly, if you belong to a church, you may want to consult your pastor. This is entirely up to you. But as I too am experiencing a similar crisis with my wife, I cannot imagine how we would be getting through this time without the support of our church family and our faith. In fact, my pastor has connected me with an elderly gentleman (not a pastor) in our church who is now my trusted mentor. I’m not preaching here – I’m simply sharing as it is far more than “catering to dogma.”

Be strong. Wishing you peace today.

Ninja

James,
I’m so glad we have been able to help you through this. Ninja has some great points, and I whole hardheartedly agree with what Anita said in her last post. The sparkly romantic love is really fleeting – Hollywood and the world makes it seem like that is real love, but its not. Real love is much less glamorous but all the more special. It’s what truly connects us to each other. Romantic love entices and attracts but unless there is truly something lasting to further connect you it will not, it cannot last.

Instead of worrying about the romantic spark try doing something a little different every now and then like sending her a naughty text out of the blue. Even when my ex and I were fighting if he sent me a flirty text or said something way off the wall, like “I can’t get over how amazing your ass looks in that dress” it would bring me out of myself and I would laugh. I don’t know how your wife is, some women get even angrier with stuff like that, but for me it gave me security that even though we might be fighting he still loved me. And gave me that little tingle of, ‘ he still thinks I’m hot, after all this time’. It also made me less angry. You’ve got to laugh with each other and remember how to flirt! Googly eyes over dinner above the kids heads, make her laugh. Gets me every time, she can’t be all that different. And laughing with her will ultimately make you feel better about yourself too.

And Ninja, since I know you’re reading this too, take the above advice. Laugh with her, if you’re not already doing this. Just keep trying it. She’s going to find you crazy and silly and wonder if you’re insane, but think about this guys, what if there was another man trying to get her attention. What would he do? Do it first. Do it better. You have the advantage of the home court. Use it. She doesn’t want the other team to win, not really, she wants you. She chose you. Think about the crazy stuff you did to get her attention when you were dating. It makes her feel sexy and wanted and laughter really is the best medicine. I hope this helps and makes sense.

Have fun flirting with your wives!
Jessi