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Need a little advice from wives: I'm starting to disconnect from from husband.

HomeForumsRelationshipsNeed a little advice from wives: I'm starting to disconnect from from husband.

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  • #96017
    Laura
    Participant

    I’ve been with my husband for almost 5 years. We’ve had our ups and downs but I have never felt so apathetic as I do now. We have a home and started our painting business together. We just tied the knot officially in July. Putting the small wedding together was eye opening because I had no doubt we were together for the long run but there were a lot of feelings and challenges that he made worse (Like he decided to get into a huge fight with his only family in the states and even after agreeing we would spend the month before the wedding not making it bigger or putting it to rest to focus on us. . . he didn’t respect the pact.) So there was a lot of emotional turmoil that got me to reevaluate if I really wanted to go through my life like this. . . And damn it I love him so we got married lol

    Things change. We don’t party as much as when we were single or started dating and that’s cool because movie nights rock!!! but I do feel like we are loosing our passion for each other. I’m not at a point where others attract me but I feel like if I continue to lose my desire for him, it will ultimately cause bigger problems in our marriage like infidelity and divorce. Since we run a business together there are tons of frustrations we go through on a daily basis and it’s unrealistic to feel 100% happy with him at the end of the day. So normally we stay at our sides of the house/bed and start again the next day!

    I’ve come to a point where I don’t try to fix everything about him. I understand I don’t need to control every thing and life will continue. It also typically leads to an argument and I should accept him fully for who he is. .. but that does not stop me from sometimes becoming enraged when he decides to do/say something stupid. Today he has been really sweet (he really normally is when he’s not too crazy stressed out) but I can’t get over how yesterday he was a prick to me or how we made out and he decided to just stop before actually getting to the good stuff. (It seems like he’s still into me, he’s still a man but somehow sex has become something we have to think about scheduling! Even when I try to be a more seductive than normal, I mean really try because most times I’d rather do something else than “it” but understand it has to be done sometimes, I don’t want him to feel like I don’t want him… and we’ve only been married for 6 months!!!!! We’ve talked about this with full conversations maybe 2 or 3 times. Each time I’ve brought it up which feels like that takes even more romance from the whole situation AND he doesn’t change any of the things he says he will! so that makes it worse. I don’t want to bring it up again but we have to make a change. GRRRR

    So I feel myself shutting down. Why try to get excited if he’ll just roll over for his phone. Why say anything to him if it will only start a fight. But then how do I let go of those feelings of hurt and enjoy when he does decide to be sweet (because I feel, and I’m sure he thinks, that I’m the one that’s a total bitch for not feeling like genuinely smiling when he tells me he loves me let alone lovingly say it back :'(

    He’s always wanted kids. . . now that we are married instead of thinking about if I want to spend our lives together, I’m thinking if we should bring kids into our lives. I have been quizzing him on things like if he reacts like a total asshole to me how he will react to our kids. This is the year we want to start trying but I would really prefer to wait to offer them something more that what we have/are now.

    Most marriages I’ve seen are a little dead inside and now it totally makes sense to me. What I thought would never happen in my relationship IS! Are there any tips you can offer to keep our love alive?

    • This topic was modified 8 years, 1 month ago by Laura.
    #96022
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Laura:

    I concur with you that it is not a good idea to bring a child into this marriage because it is better “to wait to offer them something more that what we have/ are now”- and by offering them more, I mean offering the child a stable, calm, safe, loving home, aka relationship between the child’s parents.

    Tips to keep your love alive? Yes: schedule a meeting between the two of you every single morning, a meeting before all others, aimed at bringing up issues and talking about them with EAR: empathy, Assertiveness, Respect. Do so with a fresh, pre-stressed morning brains.

    anita

    #96024
    HippieChick
    Participant

    One of the most meaningful quotes I’ve ever heard is, paraphrasing here, that you can’t ever be truly happy with another person until you’re happy with yourself. It sounds to me that you need to turn all your focus inward for a little while and figure out what makes you happy separate from him. You mention changing him, controlling him and several comments that lead me to believe you gave negative thoughts and beliefs about marriage in general (just an FYI, “most” marriages are NOT “a little dead”). If you’re, even subconsciously, taking these thoughts into your interactions with your HUSBAND then you’re not going to have great results! And this statement “most times I’d rather do something else than “it” but understand it has to be done sometimes” really bothers me…sex in a marriage shouldn’t be looked at as a chore. I’d recommend a marriage counselor to help you sort through these feelings and issues even if he doesn’t go.

    I wish you good luck. Good relationships definitely go through ups and downs and require work. I commend you for recognizing the problem early and looking for a solution!

    #96060
    Soul-searcher
    Participant

    I will have to agree with whats been said. Please do not bring a child into the situation you are both in, you have to first try and fix the problems you have first rather than trying to fix it with a baby. I cannot talk from personal experience as i have had no children, but from what i have heard from family members and friends is that if you and your partners bond is not strong then a baby will pull you even further apart. You need to talk with him and make him understand how you are feeling, you are newly weds sort of speak, you shouldnt be feeling like this..not this soon anyway. If you love one another then you will try and save what you have, love is so precious and unfortunately its one of those things that can be ugly and beautiful at the same time. Good luck to you x

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