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Need clarity on certain feelings

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  • #65183
    heal2014
    Participant

    I’ve been wanting to talk about this for a long time. To make a very long story super short, a few years back I was bullied badly by a girl to the point where my personal boundaries were horribly violated and I lost my freedom, grades, physical and emotional health. Fast forward to today, I have healed significantly but there are somethings that are not letting me gain closure and move on.

    During the healing process, I realized that there was a moment when I wanted to see where I stood in my class and checked out the grades of my few of my classmates, including the bully, without anyone’s knowledge. I did this because the environment was academically super competitive, I was battling my own insecurities and wanted to know my position in my class. This was the first and last time I ever violated someone’s personal space. However, I have a lot of complicated feelings around this.

    1. I feel that I am no different than my bully as I also violated others personal space. Of course, my intention was not to hurt anyone nor was anyone harmed in the process but I feel that I deserved all the bullying because of that bad act of mine.I feel like as if I have no rights to be angry with her.

    2. The bully tried turning people against me, but no one gave any importance to her as she had hurt others as well. Of course, the blame was immediately put upon me. Now, I feel bad that no one supported her because she is no different than me and I deserve lot more crap for my mistake.Also, the bully was very passive aggressive and at times would be sugary sweet. This type of behavior has left me very confused.

    Am I being too hard on myself?
    Are these kind of thoughts due to my low self esteem?
    How do I let go of the guilt?

    Thanks so much for reading.

    #65188
    SIngh
    Participant

    Hello there,

    “Are you feeling hard on yourself?”

    Based on what you’re telling me…. uh YEA. You wanted to see where others placed in the class and that made you feel like you’re no better than a bully? I’m not trying to be mean here ok but seriously? Ok ok I know where you’re coming from: I still remember the first bug I ever killed, it was a sandhopper and I kicked sand on it and then it struggled and died, I still remember it today as if it were yesterday. But that doesn’t make me feel like a serial killer.

    Okay that was a pathetic comparison but anyway onto your post: You are nothing like this bully, stop thinking weird stuff like that, I cheated on lots of stuff in highschool, and I’m not scarred for life or anything.

    This bully has issues, she is the one who should be posting on this site, not you. You are a good person at heart.

    Now onto the meat of this post:

    Are these kind of thoughts due to my low self esteem?

    No my dear, I think that they are because you are simply overanalyzing this and that you have let this bully get to you. It is such a shame that bullies exist in our world and persist in their behavior. Here’s the thing, it is possible that this bully is really affecting you (and how could it not affect you right?, shes a bully!).

    So here’s my amateur prescription for you:

    go get a piece of paper and write down everything that you love about yourself. do it. Don’t be all conservative and modest, that is silly, just list it. Then I want you to say these things in your head everyday to remind yourself of who you are and that NOBODY can put you down. I do this myself by the way, so this isn’t some sort of kindergarten workshop.

    Its called affirmation (look this word up, even on this site, and read so that you can get a better grasp on this tool which will help you realize how awesome you actually are).

    How do I let go of the guilt?

    If you still feel guilty, there is a powerful ability that you can learn right now, and that is the power of forgiveness. That is, self-forgiveness. just like you will be working on your affirmations, say out loud and in your mind everyday “I forgive myself for ….blah blah and more blah”.

    So there you have it, if you can ( and i know you will) work on these strategies, then you will become the super-confident, beautiful and happy human being that you truly are. When you go to sleep, envision this amazing person that you are, ( I envision myself with like 50 more pounds of muscle, for example,…. yea, typical guy stuff right).

    Again, you are above this bully, you are better than this person, don’t you dare let this bully or anyone else in your life try to convince you otherwise. The enemy here is within, not on the outside. Conquer your mind. You are responsible for your own happiness, go out there and take it.

    You are awesome 🙂

    • This reply was modified 9 years, 7 months ago by SIngh.
    • This reply was modified 9 years, 7 months ago by SIngh.
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