November 13, 2016 at 5:49 pm #120301
I think I have posted on here before about worrying if I was in a toxic relationship. Well one last massive fight with me ending up sleeping on the beach and crying for days on end made me realise as much as we love each other and it always goes back to good afterwards – i need to end the cycle. So I did..except its 3 days before I am meant to take him back to my country to meet my friends and family! Which we obviously planned months ago.
He’s also going through the grief of his grandma passing which I did not attend the funeral after our arguments (i feel bad for this but really needed some space and didn’t want to take the attention away from his grandma) He has paid for half the trip and i planned it all with him in mind.
After realising I am serious about us breaking up he is now being kind and reasonable saying it is up to me to decide whether he comes back with me or not and finally we are communicating nicely. My worries are,
I take him back with me – There’s still unresolved tension, hurt, feels forced..even worse an argument breaks out in front of my friends and ruins their time also. False hope of relationship continuing. Getting attached to him again (we both still want to be together)
I go without him – Is this cruel or selfish? Fear, anxiety of it officially being over, him being too depressed etc etc
I know I’m the only one who can decide but I really need guidance on this one!! Its such bad timing to break up but when is it ever good? I need to decide in less than 2 days what i am going to do.
Thanks!!November 13, 2016 at 6:03 pm #120304
My advice is not to travel with him. I don’t see the logic behind traveling with him and having him meet your family and friends. Do you?
anitaNovember 13, 2016 at 8:08 pm #120317
I guess a part of me believes we will have a really good time and can fix things and because as awful as the arguments are when we have them, we still love each other and I’m finding it hard to let go 🙁 But I see where your going with it, thanks.November 13, 2016 at 9:59 pm #120331
Thankyou +Anita for the quick reply and giving so much of your time for helping others btw!November 14, 2016 at 12:27 am #120339
You ended the relationship. You are communicating nicely. Leave it there.
Don’t put yourself, him, your family and friends into a situation that could cause more harm than good.
Explain to your family that you broke up and that’s why he didn’t make the trip with you. I’m sure that if they knew you’d slept on the beach and cried for days, they wouldn’t be very warm and welcoming to him. Taking him to meet them now would be unfair to your family and friends because they wouldn’t know the whole truth.
Who knows, maybe having family and friends all to yourself will help you and give you some comfort.
Best of luck on your trip!!
~ShippNovember 14, 2016 at 10:59 am #120380
I read all your posts in the three threads you started here. If you re-read your posts in the August thread, here on record, that may help you figure things out, if you are still confused.
I figure you still live in Australia and the trip to visit your friends and family is in NZ. As I read your previous posts, it became clear to me that this relationship is hopeless. He is in the habit of attacking you when you say something he doesn’t like, blaming you for trying to control him, to change him. He is also in the habit of smoking weed- is he not- which is not helpful to him. If you say Anything about him looking high or anything related to weed, he attacks you. Then you cry. Later he apologizes and the cycle continue.
The cycle is predictable, you can count on it; it never failed you before, did it? So it is very reasonable to expect this cycle to continue during the NZ visit, if you have him with you. He also screamed at you in front of friends before- so you can count on it being very possible in NZ.
Having with him in NZ is not a good plan; neither is continuing a relationship with him.
Have a good trip, alone, I hope. Do post again no matter your choice.
anitaNovember 14, 2016 at 3:01 pm #120401
OK thank you for the straight up advice, I know I’m making this really complicated for myselfNovember 14, 2016 at 3:10 pm #120402
Sorry it sent before I finished!
Yes I remember writing those posts and how upset I was at the time when I sent themNovember 14, 2016 at 3:10 pm #120403
Sorry it sent before I finished!
Yes I remember writing those posts and how upset I was at the time when I sent themNovember 14, 2016 at 3:11 pm #120404
Sorry it sent before I finished!
Yes I remember writing those posts and how upset I was at the time when I sent them. As for the weed/drug situation he has actually stopped that entirely for me a few months ago and i know has been working or aware of his anger ..so I know he really does want things to work and tries to make changes to keep me. Yes I guess in this present moment considering how the last few days have been it does feel right to go on my own rather than force something that’s not working right now and for my friends/family sake.
Apart from that when i get back I’m still holding on to a hope that maybe he could get help / we could and still be together after some time apart?? He is my home here, everything..i feel really lost without him 🙁 In between the arguments its like we have the best relationship, we treat each other well, we do have trust and i know we really love each other..it’s just like you said when i have to bring up a fragile issue or with communication. I just feel so sick inside right now because i really believe if you love each other you can get through anything.
Also as you’ve seen on the news I’m actually going back to where all the earthquakes are and bad weather so its all scary and I don’t think I’ll be moving home anytime soon. I was just starting to feel at home in Australia with him 🙁
Thanks again xNovember 14, 2016 at 7:20 pm #120411
I can feel how sad you are, the sad faces you added in your post and the general tone is sad. You feel attached to him… he is your home in Australia. Good thing he stopped the weed- you did mention in August that he stopped for a while.
You know it is your life and your choice (not mine) whether to have him go to NZ with you. The trip to NZ with him may work out because if he starts fighting, you can throw him out of your family’s home! This may deter him, figuring he will have to sleep in the cold NZ outdoors because he doesn’t know anyone there.
You can make a preventative plan with him, if you resume the relationship with him, to avoid future fighting. Go step by step over the beginning, middle and end of previous fighting, the last one, and plan what to do different in each step.
November 16, 2016 at 9:19 pm #120535
- This reply was modified 3 months, 1 week ago by anita.
In the immortal words and wisdom of Monty Python’s Flying Circus… Run away, run away (in response to the vorpal bunny). Don’t be like Sir Bors 🙂
First big problem sign: drug use. Maybe I’m exceptionally jaded due to my line of work, but you’d be amazed at how many women come into our office and say “he’s such a great guy when he’s not drunk, high, stoned, etc. …”. My advice is to not go there with persons who have a history of drug use.
Second big problem sign: off-and-on fighting. No relationship is perfect, but it seems like this is in the slow flat-spin of death.
Third big problem sign: you are afraid of a fight breaking out between you two at your parent’s place. Unless your family is a collection of utter misfits, this could be a serious issues.January 7, 2017 at 12:18 am #124745
Hi Everyone, quick update from me 🙂 He came to NZ after I spent a few days there on my own to meet me and we had the most amazing time..I think he was on his best behaviour considering he was in my environment for a change. However the weekend after it all went downhill again, I suggested we get counselling or try sort through everything but he refused so we decided to break up once and for all.
I spent a painful christmas on my own but I know I’ve made the right decision now as hard as it is. Fast forward a few weeks, he’s back on the weed!But like 5x a day. His excuse is he’s “not in a relationship anymore so I can do what I like.” He’s also completely closed himself off to me, can’t communicate about anything or have any desire to talk things out/fix things so whats done is done. It breaks my heart seeing him do it to himself but confirms I’ve made the right decision.
I guess now seeing I am left alone in his country without much support around me and inconsistent work I just need to be strong now! And hope that I will meet a more soulful man in the future who actually thinks I’m worthy enough to fight or make positive changes for. Thank you for all the advice and listening to my rants for so long! xxJanuary 7, 2017 at 7:17 am #124755
Congratulations for the separation from this man. I hope you keep your resolution to find love with someone else- a man who is able and willing to love-and-be-loved by you. Not someone with so many problems that IF fixed, THEN you can have a good life with him. Evaluate a man carefully so to see if he is a good candidate for a loving relationship. It needs to be a man who is willing to work with you, as a team, on problems and challenges, without hostility.
Be strong, please! And post again, any time.