Hi

This happened to me quite recently and like you it struck a chord. The person who had done this i.e. bad mouthed lots of people in the firm and then said that people there were “clicky”, the next day went out to get some goodies and ignored to ask me if I wanted anything….Hmmmm clicky ehh? Well later in the day she had a right old go at me for nothing at all. I had simply asked if it was office policy for her to put the telephone down on me. (I work as a temp at this particular business and she was constantly doing this when I was trying to transfer calls) and I thought it was a legitimate question. She went off on one. I think the best thing to do is to recognise and more importantly ACCEPT all people. Hard to do and an ongoing process I know. I believe she had said things that she knew could get her into trouble if I opened my mouth about them (and I have not) so she did a bit of transference (please look this up, it basically means feeling bad about oneself and not taking personal responsibility for ones own happiness and having a go at someone else in order to get the feeling of control back in your life). Anyway, Maya Angelou once said “if someone shows you who they are believe them”. She has shown me who she is and I do in fact believe her and am not inclined to speak with her or engage in fun conversations. This will then set my boundaries and she knows I accept her as she is and have made an informed decision in my dealings with her. I accept her as being a person who does not take personal responsibility and I do not wish to engage, except on a professional level with her. Good luck.

Dear cherryblossom:

You are welcome. Your sentence: “whether you say or don’t say what you really think, if someone decides to put words in your mouth it does not matter in the end.” is making me think about what it is that matters in the end. If what matters to you is being approved of by the one doing the bad mouthing, you are in a losing position no matter what you do, most likely. If what matters in the end is being true to yourself, facing your fear of disapproval by others and choosing to value your own approval of yourself, then it very much matters in the end.

anita

Dear cherryblossom:

It seems to me that a family situation, a current situation is distressing you very much, an injustice, dishonest manipulation?

If you’d like to share about it, and would like my input, I will attentively read and respond.

anita

Dear cherryblossom:

I do wish you strength to endure provocations, wisdom to make the right decisions and positive outcome for good.

Not knowing the story, I would offer you to keep yourself as calm as possible before dealing with the issue and not to react impulsively. I offer that you control the settings of the difficult situations if you can. For example: decide on whether to communicate in person or online, where and when and for how long, and prepare an exit strategy, that is, be able to leave when it gets overwhelming. Prepare before delivery of what you believe is right decision.

Also, if I may: be clear about your motivation, your goal, very clear. If one of your goals is to please everyone or any particular person that will not be pleased unless you hurt yourself, be aware of that motivation and pay attention to not act toward it.

anita