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  • #65865
    andreea
    Participant

    Hello everyone,

    This forum helped me a lot to get over my last relationship breakup. All your advices made me stronger and now I’m really in a though spot and don’t know what to do.

    I am in a relationship that started online, we’ve been talking for 5 months now and we saw each other 4 months ago for the first time. In this time he came to see me once for 4 days and another time I was to see him for a week. We speak everyday through messages and on the phone almost everyday.
    I didn’t want to get involved in a long relationship relationship again, I was just out of another long distance relationship before we started talking, very hurt and vulnerable.
    But we clicked from the start and he is very fun, outgoing and open to anything. He is very different from what I’m used to date. I’m 24 and he is 34. He is from another country, race and very different than me.
    We’ve been fighting a lot and disagreeing on the fact that I don’t listen to him and to his advices, that this is a lack of respect that I never want to try what he sais. We fought and spoke a lot on this subject and finally after 2 months it seems that we are getting along.

    My biggest problem is that he didn’t take his profile out of the website and he is every day online. This is bothering me very much because it makes me feel that I’m just here until he finds another girl. I’ve confronted him about it a couple of times and he tells me that he is still receiving messages on there and that he is getting email notifications so that’s why he is online, that he has the website open. I just can’t understand why he would be there other than to talk to other girls.
    He said that he never told me to take mine off and he never tells me what I can do or not. That I always go out dancing and he trusts me, and I should do the same. That he has visited me ans gw will come next week again, that he talks to me everyday and that I’ve been to his place and I know everything.
    He isn’t looking at any other girls when I’m with him but this fact that he’s always on there makes me feel very insecure, that I know about it, that I’ve told him that I don’t like it and he is just telling me that he doesn’t like some things either.
    I really don’t know what else to do, I’ve tried talking to him but its like I’m expecting every day to be told that he found someone else.
    Am I being too jealous or crazy because of it? I like him very much and I don’t know what I should do.
    I asked him if we are in a exclusive relationship and he sais yes. That I’m the only one he speaks to.
    I’m sorry if this is childish but I really need an outside opinion. My girlfriends are very jealous so I’ve decived to write here maybe someone can help me.

    #65903
    Todzilla
    Participant

    “He said that he never told me to take mine off and he never tells me what I can do or not.”

    “I don’t listen to him and to his advices, that this is a lack of respect that I never want to try what he sais”

    Sounds like he is sending you mixed messages. I think you need to find out where he’s really coming from. He wants you to take his advice (which sounds more like his commands), yet he justifies keeping his profile on a dating site by claiming he’s fine if you do the same. It sounds like you two have very different expectations from one another.

    I would be concerned.

    #65904
    Tommy
    Participant

    Love is a sort of madness. It takes away good judgement and replaces it with feelings that sometimes makes no sense.
    You believe you are in a long distance relationship but you don’t want to be in another long distance relationship.
    He complains when you don’t take his advice and yet, you say that he doesn’t tell you what to do.
    You tell him that you don’t like that he is still on the dating website and he gives you excuses to still be there.

    I have found that you can’t expect the person to change (although some, in the future, may change).
    All the complaining and talking won’t do anything but build resentment for making someone do something they aren’t ready for.

    With these things in mind, it may be time to cool things off.
    I don’t mean to break things off. But, to step back and get some perspective on this relationship.
    Feelings can get in the way of good judgement. So, just cool things off a little to see if this is the right fit.

    #65961
    andreea
    Participant

    Thank you all for taking the time to answer to me.

    I know about the mixed signals, we have been talking and fighting about that subject a lot.

    I confronted him about it and tried to explain that it really bothers me that he is on the website and he said now that he will update his profile and he will write there that he found someone.

    He will be coming in one week to visit me for a few days and now he asked me if i would move there to be with him.

    Maybe we should just talk then, face to face and clear things out.

    #65970
    Krista Jennings
    Participant

    Andreea, you need to be true to yourself. What is that Andreea wants? What do you think is the best thing for you to do? Remember you need to put yourself first and be true to your needs and the betterment of your life. If this person is to be apart of your life, he would gladly take into consideration your thoughts and your feelings towards him still having his profile online.

    From my experience, when a guy is really interested in me and really wants to get to know me. He is willing to take into consideration my feelings and my thoughts on most matters. I believe you would do the same.

    I don’t think you are being crazy or jealous. You’re letting him know exactly how you feel.

    There isn’t anything wrong with that.

    All the best,
    Krista 🙂

    #66293
    andreea
    Participant

    Hello again,

    Just wanted to share the end of my love story.
    He came to see me and it was all good, he deleted his profile account before.

    But something else happened. I go to add him on LinkedIn and I notice that it says that he started college in 1990, and he told me that he was born in 1980, which I asked him again. So that means that he started collage at 10. I ask him about it and he told me that this is not his account, that he didn’t put in there, but there was his picture and all other info was correct, unless that he was VP at a company, so he tied it up, thats no true, this means nothing is true. So he starts saying that I am always trying to check on him and find something wrong, and its all my fault, he never lied about it, his profile is not his.

    I got so angry and I started looking further. I found another 2 pages with the same info, one was from his high school which he started in 1984. The picture looked as it was him, and the town and the name was the same. So now I thought he might be born in 1970. But he kept saying like i have no proof and almost laughing in my face that the profile is not real and i have nothing.
    So i called his college and I asked if he attended the school in the years on the CV and if it was that major. I dont know how i did it but in fact they looked it up. They asked for his birthday and i said it was 1970, because thats what i thought, but they said they have another date. I almost thought i am crazy by now, that he was honest, but no, they say its 1968.

    there is no possible way in which the college could have lied to me, everything checks, his name, address, college and years, picture in high school, i kept looking and hoping it wasnt him, but it was.

    When i confronted him about it he never denied it, he kept saying that i have to find reasons to hate him, and that he never did this to me, and if thats what i think, then i should just break up with him. And if im finding reasons i dont need one, he is gonna break up with me because he is tired of me checking him up(the story with the website).

    I just wanted to know, and he didnt tell me so i kept digging until i found it. It hurts so much to be right and to confront him, he didnt even had the courage of admiting it, instead he implied that im crazy and that no one does this.

    I never looked in someone’s phone, or go digging without a reason, but when I’m lied to like this, he really thought that I’m stupid and that I’m inventing things, that in America they cant give info, but they confirmed it to me.

    I would have thought that a man at 45 years old would have the courage to openly admit that he lied, as he always said that he says when he is wrong and he is not afraid of admitting. He lied to me about 12 years, i had my suspicions from the begining, but i didnt really looked into it, i thought its a couple of years, but not 12!

    And here I am, alone again, hurt, when 2 days ago he was here saying how much he loves me and that he will be back.

    He didnt give me anything , no reason, no appology, no truth, just blaming me that i went too far with it. Now he blocked me on my phone.

    Isnt someone entitled to check when your intuition is telling you that you are being lied to, how can he get upset? because he got caught? And especially because i found something, it wasnt for anything.

    #66339
    andreea
    Participant

    I was hoping to get some answers and a reason, at least a confirmation of what I found out, but nothing. I got nothing.

    How can a person lye like that and when confronted with all the proof still not admit it, just blame me for finding out?
    A person that always said about themselves that they admit when they are wrong, someone who is supposed to be mature? A person who was always putting everything in a logical way. Logical would be for him to have no reason to be upset about, he got caught, he never planned on telling me. He planned to move here or to start a family together, is he delusional? I would have found out eventually.

    It is very hard to move on without an explanation, even though I would have never forgiven him for living a lie for 5 months.

    I don’t understand, I need some help, I need an opinion.

    #66345
    Katie
    Participant

    Hi Andreea,

    Wow – sorry that you’re going through all this!! I think you need to accept that you are not going to get anything more from him…he is a coward and a liar and a manipulator. And THANK GOODNESS you found out the truth before you were involved too deeply!! I know it feels pretty deep already, but to have no real ties to this man other than feelings…that’s a good thing for sure. I think you dodged a bullet.

    #66354
    andreea
    Participant

    Thank you Katie. 

    It feels from another world. We’ve been through a lot of issues and long conversations and disagreements but unless its like him, its not ok. 
    He always felt that he is the older one, now I know why, he’s 22 years older and he feels superior to a young woman of 24.

    He came in a moment where I was very vulnerable, ended a relationship that was mostly in my head, with a guy who was very evasive and confusing but for which I had the biggest admiration and love. 

    He was the opposite, very confident, always telling me very directly that he likes and wants to be with me. He has a big personality and it made me feel a lot of times that he was very experienced with women. 
    I had my doubts but I didn’t want to ofend him. The conversation was good, unless I confronted him or acused him of anything. 
    When you are in the relationship is very hard to see all this things, that I had everything in my face and I didn’t want to see it. 
    Just the other day he was here planning to come back and showing me love and affection. So that after 2 days to go crazy and block me like he doesn’t care about anything? 
    I don’t know, maybe I caught him by surprise, he clearly didn’t expected me to call his college. He told me’ keep trying. In America it doesn’t work that way. They don’t give you the info’. He never expected me to have the proof. But I guess I got the truth my way, from him I will never get it. Very disappointing. 

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