all of my life, i have felt as though there is a void that i cannot fill; i feel disconnected from the world. i have chased happiness in the form of men since i was a preteen and thought that i had finally “captured” it when i got married after three months of knowing the guy. i got pregnant immediately afterwards. now i am 21, married and i have an 8-month old daughter. i am so overwhelmed, and sometimes i am filled with regret which makes me feel terrible. i am very selfish. i feel as though my life is over now, that i will never be able to find myself – who i am, what i like and don’t like, what i’m passionate about, if i even HAVE the capability to be passionate about anything! it’s silly because when i was “free” i was miserable and wanted purpose in life. now i have purpose and all i want is to go back. i love my daughter but feel i am an awful mother and it makes me withdraw from her. i can’t get her to nap, i can’t soothe her when she’s fussy… i don’t even WANT to soothe her. i have my husband do as much as possible because i just feel so depressed, all i want to do is relax and do nothing at all.
sorry. that all just poured out. the original reason i wrote this was because i react poorly and with great anger when my daughter is fussy or won’t sleep for me. i often have to leave her to cry in her crib because i am so angry. i always go back in when i am calm but it isn’t enough, she deserves to have someone who can be her rock at all times. so how do i overcome my selfishness, which i think is the root of my anger, and be a better person? is it possible to change at all? i have been trying to be a better person my whole life but i feel like the more i try the worse i become. i am chasing my tail, spinning in circles. i am lost. i need help.
I’m sorry for the spinning, and hope you find peace soon. Consider reading “Facing Codependence” by Pia Mellody. Her book might help you find healthy ways of caring for yourself, which to me seems at the heart of your difficulties. The spinning in circles seems to be a symptom of that. For instance, sometimes when we have a nutrient imbalance, we remain hungry all the time. Its not that the body “just needs food” but it needs a specific type of food that its not getting. In your case, it seems that the food your body needs is loving kindness… which develops as we act in a way that is gentle and caring to our mind and body.
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