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Overthinking and need help.

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  • #128725
    Jonathan
    Participant

    Hello everyone. I’m sorta new to this and kinda hit a rough patch. I’m just looking for help.
    Let me get started
    Me and my girlfriend have been together for 4 years and through our relationship we have broken up multiple times ranging anywhere from a couple days to a couple weeks the most we’ve ever been broken up is a month.
    We love each other deeply( i think)
    We just get into petty fights and we both are hard headed and either one of us wants to admit that we are wrong.

    We recently just had daughter she is 7 months old. Up until a month ago everything was pretty shitty we would argue over the dumbest things and decided to breakup. At first I was happy I could do whatever I wanted without someone bitching at me. Then a few days went by and I just didn’t feel the same. I felt uneasy, and just couldn’t stop thinking about her. I missed her plus it didn’t really help that I saw her everyday when we would exchange our daughter to ewchother. So it just kept getting harder and harder.
    I tried texting her to see if we could talk and she said no everytime. Well once we met up to give our daughter to one another I went to her and tried talking to her and asked if we could talk and see if we could fix this and I got the same response: no we aren’t getting back together so stop trying.
    I texted her here and their but nothing changed.i noticed she asked me to keep our daughter over the weekend like every time the weekend came along. Now this is where a red flag popped up. Because she really doesn’t have that many friends and when we were together she never went out this much. But again I couldn’t do or say anything . So I kept it to myself.
    Anyways last week she texted me out of the blue and we kinda talked for a bit and I just told her everything is my fault and I’m sorry for ruining this. And she responded by saying if I were you I would love me.
    Instantly I knew something was up.
    Long story short she told me over the weekend she had slept with somebody and that she regretted it and hated herself for it.
    I honestly didn’t know what to do or say. I mean I ruined the relationship you know? If it wasn’t for me being a dick this never would have happened.
    She wanted to keep talking to me and try to work things out.
    I agreed. But now I can’t stop thinking about this.
    It’s too the point where when I’m at work it’s all I think about.
    Like I love this girl with all my heart.
    But how am I supposed to move on? Knowing that some guy fucked my girl? Granted we weren’t together but this was in a 3 week span that she talked to a guy and fucked him. I mean we have a kid together and been together for 4 years basically. And I was her first.
    She said they talked and after awhile of talking they hung out and it just happened.
    She said she stopped talking to him after it happened. And I have seen with my 2 eyes she has blocked him on fb,sc and in her contacts.
    But it just hurts knowing this.
    But now I just overthink everything.
    When we are together i feel great but when she goes home this feeling in my stomach comes back and I start to overthink everything.
    Like what if she really is still talking to him.
    Or what if she’s only with me because maybe that guy wanted nothing to do with her afterwards?
    I just don’t know what to do. She claims she wants to move on from this and be in a happy relationship. And so do I. Especially with her. But I just don’t know how to overlook this.
    Someone help me please!

    #128741
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear caliber2008:

    * Please do not use the f word (any profanity) on this website. It is against the sharing guidelines posted (under Forums, last on that page).

    You wrote: “we both are hard headed and either one of us wants to admit that we are wrong.” When you wanted to get back together with her, you “just told her everything is my fault and I’m sorry for ruining this.”

    This is a serious problem- the responsibility issue. If she refuses to take responsibility for being wrong, and never does, and to make up to her you have to “admit” all wrong was and is yours, then you are in trouble.

    You are responsible to your own behavior, not to her. You are not responsible for her starting an argument, fighting, displaying aggression and having sex with another guy. You are only responsible to you starting arguments, etc.

    The two of you are parents and your daughter is and will be suffering for this dysfunctional relationship. For the girl’s sake, as well as for your own, best if you and your girlfriend attend competent couple psychotherapy where the two of you will be taught (top priority in the therapy) how to peacefully communicate with each other, not aggressively but with EAR (Empathy, Assertiveness and Respect).

    Part of the therapy will be about you grieving this sexual betrayal you experienced.

    It will take time for you to grieve this betrayal. For now, help yourself emotionally by doing such things as daily aerobic and/ or other exercise, calming music, some creative outlet.

    anita

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