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Paralyzed by Guilt

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  • #106015
    pixie
    Participant

    I have been in a relationship for nearly 11 years and married for 4 of those years. My husband is the only serious relationship I have ever had. We have no children.

    For over 12 months I have seriously considered leaving the marriage however I find myself paralyzed by guilt, fear and and overwhelming responsibility for his happiness. I love him as a person however there is no intimacy, we have had sex 3 times in the last 12 months, we have nothing in common and we are just co-existing. Financially we are not growing, we are nowhere near ready to have kids and I feel like we are living the same life we did 10 years ago just with alot less fun. I have tried to talk to him about how I feel, we have tried couples counselling, I have tried to spice things up and nothing works or changes.

    I have been seeing a counsellor on my own to try and deal with how I feel. I cant get past the overwhelming sense of being responsible for his happiness and the guilt of hurting the person I have spent majority of my adult life with. I am 31 and I am worried that I am wasting my life with the wrong person and holding us both back from happier futures.

    How do I get past the guilt of wanting to leave so that I can leave this unhappy relationship? I am terrified that I will ruin his life and that he won’t move on. It absolutely tears me up and I know what I want but making the break feels impossible

    Ho

    #106016
    Rock Banana
    Participant

    The fact is, he and he alone is responsible for his happiness, just as you and you alone are responsible for yours. Breaking up with him cannot hurt him, though he can choose to hurt himself in response to the circumstances. You cannot ruin his life. If he doesn’t move on, that’s his choice.

    As you say … “I am wasting my life with the wrong person and holding us both back from happier futures”.

    When are you going to wake up, stop being selfish and end this relationship, so that you can create the life you want to lead, and take responsibility for your own happiness, recognizing it is time for him to take responsibility for his?

    #106029
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear pixelpixie:

    You are feeling such strong guilt about leaving your husband, such intense guilt that it paralyzes you.

    What is it about your husband that triggers your guilt??? Is it the things he tells you?

    You mentioned the relationship was fun at one point. When did it stop being fun and why?

    anita

    #106105
    Duron
    Participant

    Pixelpixie,

    I have been in your situation before when it cam time for me to breakup with my high school sweetheart. We had been together for about 7 years but I wasn’t happy. It took a lot for me to break it off, but in the long run, it would have been worse if I hadn’t. She is now happily married to someone who loves her just as much as she loves him. If we had stayed together, I would have ended up causing more hurt than anything. In time, there would have been neglect, resentment, and cheating involved due to not being happily satisfied.

    Rock Banana sums it up pretty much.. You don’t cause his happiness, only he can.

    But you can also look at it from a different perspective. You could be holding him back from someone who he really deserves, who will be just in love with him as he is with you. Ask yourself, is you being unhappy in your marriage, worth not knowing if you both could be extremely happy in separate relationships…

    #106171
    Matty
    Participant

    hey Pixelpixie,

    Why do you feel guilty? Well, i reckon it’s because you are in a team, and you feel that if you quit and leave the team for good that everything after this point, is your fault. Your team is in shambles, cannot make the playoffs, doesn’t win anything, you blame yourself. I’m using a analogy, but the gist is that if you leave you feel that he will never find happiness, or that it’s your fault that the relationship has come to this point. It’s because you view yourself responsible, rather than seeing it as a collaborative effort. It does take two to tango, but then again if your dance partner is not receptive than you can only say you gave it your best shot.

    I think that in relationships like this, people become comfortable. With that comfort, people can often forget that the relationship and the partners in that relationship are actually two different beasts. You stop asking questions and communicating because you take for granted that you know each other so well. We equate years with knowledge. I have studied Korean for 3 years now, Koreans and other learns go ‘whoa’. Whilst a girl studied by herself for 6 months is doing things i cannot. time doesn’t make you wiser, it’s what you do with that said time.

    Also, you are apart of him, his identity and your own are constructed by marriage. You are the wife and him the husband. If you leave you lose that identity, that constant in your life that has validated not only who you are, by the choices you have made, the way you talk, the way you see the world etc. I assume since you were 21 years old, you have been connected together, validating and supporting each other. You feel guilt because when/ if you leave, you take away that part of his identity and your own. You are afraid that you are his everything. Which seems paradoxical, since you are not happy with being his happiness solely, but at the same time conflicted over whether to leave because you are everything to him (or see yourself vital to him).

    I guess the way to overcome this guilt, is to acknowledge that your identity is more than just your husband. Look into the mirror and ask yourself, who am I? Who am i to myself and others around me? Say you like hiking, or reading, or having a nice glass of red or a cousin or sibling or a colleague etc. These things that are all apart of who you are and won’t change because you leave. You are still you, the only thing that changes is ‘wife’ becomes ‘ex-wife’. Don’t let a word determine your feelings. You will still be a caring person, a respectful person, you will still have traits and qualities independent from your relationship. At the same time, your husband has qualities as well that are independent. Also, try to understand that divorce is not a black mark against your name, it’s not an ‘f’ on your report card. Life is not simple, especially when you are living for two. If you are not happy now, and you have tried everything in your power to change that, then the future isn’t going to change, unless your husband tries as well. You are better off spending the rest of your life alone, happy and doing things you want to, rather than weighing yourself down and live with someone else. Being with a partner is actually meant to make life more rewarding, at least that’s what i think and hope.

    I hope this helps you, if you have more to add please write again 🙂
    MAtty

    #106983
    pixie
    Participant

    Thank you everyone for taking the time to reply.

    I appreciate everyone’s responses. What triggers my guilt is that I feel responsible for his happiness. I sometimes worry about his mental health, he has told me before that he can’t live without me and I just don’t know how he would cope if I wasn’t in his life anymore. I feel like he relies on me heavily to be his support system when he feels like he needs me, at other times its like I dont exist. I feel that by leaving him that I will ruin his future although I feel the future we have together is a miserable one. We used to just enjoy each others company but now our interests are polar opposites – I dont mind having different interests but its like we have lost interest in each others lives. He is like talking to a brick wall, he forgets everything I tell him, he has no idea what my work schedule is, he FORGOT that my grandfather passed away a couple of years ago. It makes me feel like I am not important enough for him to remember that I am here and whats going on in my world.

    A couple of weeks ago it was his birthday and I tried to organise a get together with our friends on the Sunday as I was working on the Saturday. He decided that he didnt want to do anything so I had to msg everyone and cancel. He then ended up organising a get together himself with all his friends on the Saturday while I was at work and couldnt go. That really hurt me.

    Matty you put it perfectly, in that along with the loss of the relationship I am losing the sense of identity I have had for 11 years as his partner and wife. I do feel in a way that by leaving this marriage that I have failed. I committed to a marriage and I failed to make it work even though I know it took both of us to make it fail.

    #107003
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear pixie:

    Maybe then, what motivates you to stay in this unhappy marriage (unhappy for both parties) is your fear of feeling bad if you do leave. You are afraid of suffering if and when you leave this marriage.

    Paralyzed by Fear, not by guilt?

    You fear feeing that you failed in this marriage. The thing is you already failed (you both did)- so what you are postponing is not the reality of the marriage having failed (it has), but coming to terms that with this reality. You are postponing your full awareness that it has already failed.

    Oh, the relief you will experience once you are fully aware that your marriage has already failed; the relief you will feel for catching up to reality…?

    anita

    #107009
    Anonymous
    Guest

    * My reply didn’t “take” on the list or replies, so trying again..

    #107167
    Karmasoda
    Participant

    Somebody said it above- you are responsible for you and he is responsible for his own self. If you cannot get along and enjoy each other’s company, then what’s the point? Fearing for his well-being and forgetting to look out for your own well-being is a nice gesture but it enables the miserable relationship to continue on, as is. You may want to ask a professional counselor for advice on how to have the kind of conversation you may need to have with your husband.

    Fear brings you DOWN and will not go away until you stand up to it. You can use grace, respect, and tact in your approach to better both of your lives.

    Peace,
    KS

    #107265
    Nan
    Participant

    Hello Pixie,
    Heed the words of those written above well. I feel like you do, I am guilted like you are. I remained even though unhappy. I have been this way for the last 15 years of my current 35 year marriage. I have had to try very hard to gather the strength and courage to even consider leaving, as we both are in our 60’s. Dont let time slip away, you dont know how happy you might be, until you try. I regret the years of unhappiness, and wonder how I stayed in this melancholy marriage. It became habit and I did not want to feel guilty, so concerned what others would say or judge me. Just listen to your heart, and visualize a life as it is now, and what it would look like 20 years from now if you made no changes. If it doesnt feel good, you have your answer. “Playing the movie reel of the future” either staying or going, will give you insight as to what you want to do next.

    #108936
    pixie
    Participant

    Thanks again for your responses. Since I last wrote I have been offered an excellent job in another city (the one where I want to move to) however I am on a short time frame in which to accept. I have decided that this is my chance and I want to take it.

    My problem now is that how do I initiate the breakup conversation in the nicest way possible? I know I am going to hurt him but I have let my chance go so many times (to end the unhappiness) and I dont want to continue to live my life with regret and sadness.

    The anxiety is consuming me and I dont even know how to start the conversation, what do I say?

    #108959
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear pixie:

    I hope you do take the job then, and move without your husband to the new city, leaving him and the marriage behind, in your past. Focus on this as your goal, the un-negotiable goal. Keep it in your sight as you proceed.

    Would you like to practice here, how to tell him? I will read and give you my feedback, if you’d like.

    Overall, I don’t think it matters much how you say it as long as you say it, or otherwise communicate to him that the marriage is over and you are leaving.

    The nicest way that I can see at this point is to communicate so respectfully, that is to not call him names, berate him, humiliate him… just state your intent assertively: this is what I need to do. I am sorry this is hurting you. My intent is not to hurt you- I whole heartedly wish there was a way for you to not be hurt. Unfortunately, I see no other way but to proceed with what I need to do. Please take care of yourself and with some time, I hope you move on and live a good life for yourself…

    anita

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