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Please help me stop feeling guilty/ruminating !

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  • #77586
    Nate
    Participant

    Long story short, me and a female friend have a history of a lot of sexual tension. Have made out before/tried dating briefly but I didn’t see her as gf material. She got very offended and we didn’t talk for months. Recently, we made amends, but the same sexual tension came back with a vengeance. We both agreed it was there and I asked her if she wanted to try having sex. She said she can’t just have sex without wanting commitment, and I’m usually the same way but wanted to try the friends with benefits thing out, as I was lonely and had never done that. Well, we never had sex but it turned out to blow up in my face because she still had feelings for me and thought I just wanted to get her in bed etc etc. that’s wasn’t my intent. Anyhow, we made up and agreed to be just friends again, or so I thought. I just started dating someone AMAZING and this friend saw pics posted of us and is very upset/hurt etc. I can’t help but feel guilty or like a bad person despite everyone around me telling me I did nothing wrong and she’s just very insecure. Rationally, I know I shouldn’t feel bad, but I have a big heart and I don’t want her to think poorly of me, but at the same time want to be happy myself. Should I feel bad? How should I approach this? Just ignore it and let her get over it? I feel like such a bad person and she is very hurt

    #77589
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear ntt91:
    If you tried to have sex with her after she told you she was not interested in sex unless you commit to her AND you did not commit to her (and still tried to have sex with her) then I think you should- if you haven’t already- apologize to her sincerely for not respecting her and her position on sex and commitment. Give her that respect now by letting her know in your apology that her position is (retroactively) respected, that you made a mistake in judgement pursuing sex with her as “friends with benefits” and that you regret that.

    Take care:
    anita

    #77590
    Nate
    Participant

    I have multiple times. In multiple heartfelt ways. It just seems to make matters worse. I acknowledge that I made a mistake but I can’t get over the guilt of it–it is causing me obsessions and anxiety.

    #77607
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear ntt91:
    I re-read your original post as well as your reply above. I think that one heartfelt, sincere apology would have been enough as far as what you should do in regard to her. I think that having a friendship with her as things are is not a good idea. I think you should let her be and NOT apologize again.

    As to your ruminations, obsession and anxiety- it seems to me that what FUELS it is deeper and older than the experience with the friend. The feeling of being a bad person, of hurting another or others and that being an unforgivable thing- WHEN did it start? When was the last time you felt that way, in regard to whom? A parent? Looking forward to read more…
    anita

    #77608
    Anonymous
    Guest

    And one more thing- it can be the SEX issue that plays into it- you feeling guilty about having sexual feeling? Just guessing, i have no idea. Can you examine this as well?
    anita

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