Dear learningmimi:

My answer: you stop doing the things you do FOR your family that are AGAINST you. You stop sacrificing your freedom, your well being for family. You save yourself from their dysfunction, their out-of-sync behavior. And you focus on living a life that makes sense.

You can’t change their minds, their hearts, the ways they live. You can only change the ways you live. It takes courage to separate from a family, to separate enough so to make a sensible life for yourself. I hope you have that courage.

anita

Dear learningmimi:

It’s been such a long time since I read any book, a self help book, that I don’t remember any. To create those boundaries in a healthy assertive way, you have to have the courage to do so, to decide, for example, that you are no longer going to financially support others and let them know: ” I will no longer give you money. I am letting you know this, so that you have the opportunity to plan your life financially, knowing there will not be further support from me”

You say it to the person/s, and you don’t wait there for them to say: “Okay. I love you anyway.” You don’t wait for an answer, an approval, a permission- you state it. Before you say it, you prepare for their reaction which would be (from the other thread) to punish you by withdrawing support/ love- you anticipate it and you go on living without their (very conditional, for purchase, really) support.

anita