fbpx
Menu

Reeling and Cycling 2 months post abusive relationship

HomeForumsRelationshipsReeling and Cycling 2 months post abusive relationship

New Reply
Viewing 15 posts - 1 through 15 (of 15 total)
  • Author
    Posts
  • #77262
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    I am really struggling with detachment. I posted here about 2 weeks ago (or so) about a really miserable, long term relationship that I was in (overcoming a bad romance). I go through periods where I do really well for a few days – even maybe a week or two – and then I feel the most unbearable pain. The loss, the abandonment, the fact that he says and thinks horrible things about who I am and what I’ve allegedly done, is really hard for me to sit and watch and just feel.

    On top of being abused for nearly 4 years, I was also cheated on and was left for that person immediately after the break up. The person that my ex bad mouthed and said that was “just a fling” and begged me to stick around and watch because he claimed that he ultimately wanted to marry me – because he saw an amazing future with me. Even though my ex told me that he so incredibly happy with his new girlfriend, that she is “the best”, “such an upgrade”, and that he’s never felt this way about somebody before – he still would contact me non stop. I even had to go as far as changing my phone number to get him to leave me alone. Soon after, he used the spare car key of mine that he had to steal some jumper cables from my car, and only about a week ago, he managed to send me a private message through instagram asking me if he could come see me and drop off the car key to my place. I told him to send it to my parents house. And his response was “so we’re still going to be weird?” (mind you, the last time we spoke, he told me that he hated me and cursed my life). And I ignored him and he went on to say how he’s “just trying to be nice and friendly and wants to see” how I’m doing. Due to no response, as I was going to delete the messages and block him, I noticed that he blocked me (I assume because that’s the only way that he could feel like he’s controlling the situation).

    This past weekend, I had the most terrible dreams about him where I was longing for him (which is a thing that I NEVER feel in waking hours) and in the dream I was begging for him back – which I do not, under any circumstances, want to go back to him. So when I woke I was startled, and I went to Instagram to look to see if he unblocked me – oddly enough he did and I instinctually knew about it. He had changed his name to random letters. Out of curiosity, I googled the random letters and found a forum that he had been posting on. He was bragging about how much he loved his new girl, how protective he was of her, how he never felt this way, how he really sees a future with her, and how she is significantly more attractive than me, aka “the last chick he dated”, and that he’s having more fun than he’s had in years.

    I didn’t mean to engage in this self sabotaging behavior. And I’d like to imagine that he’s just trying to convince himself that he’s made the right choices and that he’s happy. I don’t know. I just wish I never saw what I saw, because I still care about what he thinks, I still care about him, and because of my self esteem and co dependency issues I just want to be special to him – even though I’m smart enough to know for sure that I never want him back. I’m finding it impossible to let go, detach, and not give a damn about him, his happiness, or what he thinks. I don’t know why I still measure my value based on what he thinks, when I know all the answers and that all I need for happiness and peace is within me. I’m in agony!!!!!! I don’t know what to do. Please Help

    #77263
    Inky
    Participant

    Hi Nicole,

    When I met The One (and when The One met me), the last thing we would ever want to do is flaunt our relationship in old BF and GF’s faces. As in, it’s not even on the list. The Real Relationship is so sacred that we keep it “hidden” and “special” in a sense. When we are together, we show our Best Selves.

    YES, he is still very, very angry. He spent years taking it out on you. Now that you’re not available as a punching bag, he can’t go after his new GF (YET!!!) so he does the creepy stalker dance, and posts his outrage and comparison online.

    NO, this new GF isn’t The One. Even if they do get married, it will never work out. Not truly.

    HE has to get over this rage he has which can’t be contained.

    Your dreams are what you soul feels. You don’t even feel it emotionally. Your soul was expressing the residual longing. And you are still psychically linked, else you would never have found (or thought of finding) that forum!

    Time, time and more time. Don’t contact him or receive contact from him or see him. Ever.

    Be Strong,

    Inky

    #77276
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Nicole:
    I don’t remember your previous post although i may have commented on it then. Reading this post it is my understanding that you are very aware of what is going on: his controlling behavior, his abuse, the necessity to not engage in a relationship with him, etc. I don’t think you need advice on what you already know.

    Your longing for him at times, your attachment to him, suggests to me that you grew up with a parent that rejected you and that your present agony has to do with that original relationship, with the attachment- trauma of that relationship which you didn’t process yet and which needs healing. What do you think? If I am correct I have more to say, but I need to know your thoughts about my response here.

    Take care:
    anita

    #77280
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    Hi Anita,

    I am an adult child of an alcoholic parent (my father) – but as you may know, alcoholism is a family disease. This is where my co-dependency and abandonment issues stem from, I believe. Throughout my life I have been close with both of my parents. In my very early years, I was truly a daddy’s girl. By the time I turned 11 years old, until very recently (I’m 23), my relationship with my father was a very distant one. I didn’t even realize it! Luckily, when I was in high school my dad hit rock bottom and decided to get sober. He has been sober for almost 10 years now. My parent’s are still together. My mom on the other hand, is the one that I have a more complicated relationship with. By the time I hit my preteen/teenage years, we started fighting a lot. All in all, throughout my whole life, I realize now that I’m in therapy, that growing up in my family was a very lonely experience. I was lonely a lot of the time and nobody really went above and beyond to give me attention. They loved me and they were affectionate – and spoiled me on birthdays and holidays and always tried to give their very best – but the emotional aspect was sort of overlooked, I think. My mom tried very hard to make the alcoholism a thing that was just between her and my father. She tried to hide it from me to protect me. I think these are the things from my past that has led me to where I am now.

    #77309
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Nicole:
    I read your response. That loneliness and lack of attention in your childhood- that lack of being seen, validated, comfortem… it is an injury, a wound, a trauma that is still hurting you. How are you going about it in therapy to heal from it? What is the game plan there??? I hope your therapy is more than just catharsis, talking and feeling better. I hope there are skills taught, objectives and a plan about how to meet them…???

    i found lots of clarity and sense making in “complex post traumatic stress disorder, C-ptsd” diagnosis (not part of the symptom oriented DSM). There is a website by this guy that i found very helpful.

    the repetition compulsion- getting stuck in a relationship with a person that is as unavailable as our parent/s and trying to make him SEE us and love us just like we tried to make the parent see us and love us.

    The fight to be seen, attended to, accepted, comforted, safe…
    anita

    #77335
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    Sometimes I think my therapist does an amazing job at healing me and then sometimes… Like tonight… I leave and I feel worse or less fulfilled than before. My therapist doesn’t like to talk much about my current issues – she almost exclusively likes to deal with the underpinnings. Sometimes she sheds some light on some really harsh realities that I don’t feel ready to face. We do talk about developing certain skills and having objectives. It feels like there’s already so much to deal with, I think she lets me lead by letting me bring whatever I’m dealing with that day to the table and we talk about it. So sometimes it’s about my ex and sometimes it’s about my parents.

    Do you think this “complex post traumatic stress disorder, C-ptsd” sounds like me? Or is this just something that you have experience with?

    We talking a little about the repetition compulsion today. Sometimes it seems like she’s trying to get me to view him as like this regular person. Like tonight I was saying that I thought he was a miserable person and I was so confused as to how he could be so happy and he could just simply not be suffering and she was trying to get me to understand that it doesn’t matter and I’ll never know – but at the same time she was trying to get me to realize that he could very well be very happy and not suffering at all – but it shouldn’t matter to me.

    But I want to believe that he’s miserable deep down and that I wasn’t making him miserable!!! I want to believe that he’s not a happy person and that he’ll probably never change. I want to believe that this new girl isn’t as wonderful as he likes to just absolutely brag about to everybody – how much of an “upgrade” she is.

    #77351
    Inky
    Participant

    Hi Nicole,

    I’m no shrink, but I honestly don’t think you have “complex post traumatic stress disorder”. Or any label! I simply think you are recovering from a bad break up and getting out from under a particularly nasty little man.

    And I’m not saying you have a bad therapist or even that you should change therapists. But a good one GETS you. Does she “get” what you’re going through at all?? Yes, deal with the underlying stuff, absolutely. But you primarily need to feel HEARD. No, he is not a “regular person”. He is an abuser who would love to be your stalker. She should be congratulating you for handling this as well as you are, and thanking your lucky stars he’s out of your life.. Now, about your childhood.

    And here’s a secret ~ It’s OK to think and even BELIEVE that he’s miserable deep down. Hey! If it gets you through the day, right? In fact, believe that he’s kicking himself every day! It might be true, and if it’s not, he would never admit it! 😉 Change the script in your head. Just don’t contact him again or receive contact from him. Ever.

    #77355
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    Inky,

    It’s crazy because sometimes I feel like she gets me SO well. And last night’s session was totally unfulfilling. When I’m in my darkest moments or when I resort to self blame she reminds me that I was a victim of an abusive man and an abusive relationship and that I was brainwashed. But other than that, she tries to make the situation out to be that this guy is simply just a jerk and yes he said and did bad things but I need to stop caring about his opinions and forget about him and not talk about it with anybody because it doesn’t help.

    And you’re so right! I mean, I just really want to be heard, understood, and feel validated. I want people on MY side. I truly 100% believe that somebody who is honestly really happy (or rather, “happier than ever”) with their “new person” doesn’t behave like he does. It’s just common sense. It’s like bragging – the people who brag usually have the least and are the ones with the most insecurities. I want somebody to be like “Yes, Nicole, I TRULY believe that too, and you’re right!”

    I know that I was the one who read that stuff he wrote online and it doesn’t help me one bit, but I did it and now I can’t forget it. And it’s not much consolation, but people who refer to their very serious past relationship as “that last chick I dated” and then tear them down – NOT for their personality – but for something as petty as their FACE – their LOOKS… I mean, that’s not normal behavior for a man in his late 20’s – or even any person, regardless of their age. I would assume that if she was so wonderful and if he was so happy, I wouldn’t even be a thought on his mind. And on top of that, if she was so wonderful and if he was so happy, he wouldn’t be online in some random forum constantly talking about her, complaining about the shit she does, and asking the other guys if he should see girls behind her back.

    #77357
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    The thing is, HE dumped me. He’s angry because we got pregnant and I was NOT ready to have a child so I had an abortion a little over a year ago. I just feel like, OKAY, it should be enough that you cheated on me with this girl, strung me along for a couple of weeks with promises of marriage and saying that she’s nothing special and just a fling and then leaving me for her… We get it – you “think she’s better”. Like why on earth would you take it a step further and bad mouth me on the internet, in addition to bad mouthing me to all your friends, family, coworkers, and this new person.

    I feel like the anger is clear – He. Is. ANGRY! NOT happy…

    #77365
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Nicole:
    There is no doubt in my mind that the man you are describing, your ex bf is a mean, abusive man. No matter what glorifying words he uses to describe his new gf- I would absolutely, 100% NOT want to be that new gf, and would run like hell. I wouldn’t wait, if I was his new gf, to see if it will be different for me, whether he will make an exception for me and behave lovingly toward me-I WILL run like hell. So, yes, I believe with all confidence that you are indeed you, Nicole, are absolutely RIGHT about him being abusive, being a jerk, being unappy (outside the temporary pleasure he gets from being mean!)

    Having stated that, I also believe that you are NOT “simply recovering from a bad breakup”- I am confident about that as well. The complex ptsd I suggested is not an accepted psychiatric diagnosis. It is a suggested diagnosis that if accepted it wouold replace most of the current diagnoses because it is not about symptoms, about any deficiency you were born with- it is about not getting your needs met as a child and how you reacted to that, forming defenses that were useful then but are harmful now. It may help you to read about it- and it may not.

    Regarding your therapy, I wonder how long you’ve been seeing the same therapist and what are the skills she taught you? How has she been helpful on the long run? Are you different now than you were when you first started seeing her?

    I am sorry you are going through this difficult.. life as you had. I hope you do heal with the right therapist, over time…

    Take care:
    anita

    #77367
    Bethany Rosselit
    Participant

    Hi Nicole,

    We often seek to feel “good” in relationships, because we are unable to help our mind feel safe. You are seeking something that this relationship provided for you. Don’t judge your mind for yearning for it–you know to stay away, that isn’t the issue. But be curious. What was this relationship doing for you?

    A lot of times we have a lot of misunderstandings about ourselves, so that we are not able to feel safe and at peace. Self-attack and limiting beliefs about ourselves can lead us to seek peace through external sources. But even in a good relationship, the “good” feeling is no substitute for truly being at peace with ourselves. When we are comfortable in our own skin, we don’t become so addicted to unhealthy relationships.

    Hang in there!

    Bethany
    http://onlinetherapyandcoaching.org

    #77382
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    Anita,

    I haven’t been seeing my therapist for too long – only since the very first week or two of the break up. So she only knows me within the context of this situation and at my most vulnerable state. I’ve moved around a lot so I haven’t been able to keep a steady therapist. I was never too sure about her since day 1 but she does help and I do like her. I’ve been seeing her for about 3 months. Today I found myself looking into maybe some therapists that specialize in grief or abuse – it might be closer to what I need.

    She is basically trying to get me to a place where I feel neutral about him. She doesn’t want me to think of him at all and she doesn’t want me to try and “figure him out”. She wants me to close him out of my life completely and not even be curious. But most importantly, she’s adamant about focusing on me and making sure that I’m focusing on me.

    #77384
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Nicole:
    It seems to me, from what you are describing, that it may be impossible to get you to a place where you stop thinking and overthinking HIM and only then focus on you. She can USE your thinking about you to help you get in touch with YOU.

    In a post above you wrote: “But I want to believe that he’s miserable deep down and that I wasn’t making him miserable!!! I want to believe that he’s not a happy person and that he’ll probably never change.”

    A good therapist, I believe, will use your concern about whether he is happy or not to dig deeper into you, figure out what FUELS this concern, maybe obsession (recurring concern, lots of thinking about it). Something is fueling it and it has to do with you.

    You wrote (quote) that you wish he was miserable but that it wasn’t you causing him misery. This is a loaded statement and a LOT in it to be looked into, examined.

    In your original post you wrote about knowing he is not good for you but in a dream you longed for him. You wrote about your lonely experience growing up with your family, your father an alcoholic, your mother ignoring the fact that his alcoholism was affecting you, treating it like an issue between her and him only. You wrote about the fights with her as a preteen and teenager.

    I will not be surprised if (and I am guessing) you felt responsible for the LACK of attention in your childhood, lack of validation, not being SEEN this way. Maybe you are longing for the truth, that is, that your parents were indeed UNHAPPY and that their unhappiness was not your fault, you didn’t cause it. Maybe this is the original conflict and instead of focusing on it, you focus on whether the ex bf is happy, hoping he is not and that it is not your doing…?

    If you get to the original wound fueling your over occupation with the ex bf’s happiness and what not, then you will be dealing with the real issues directly.

    What do you think…?
    anita

    #77391
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    Anita,

    I’m a little unsure about what you mean when you say: “It seems to me, from what you are describing, that it may be impossible to get you to a place where you stop thinking and overthinking HIM and only then focus on you. She can USE your thinking about you to help you get in touch with YOU.”

    Are you saying more along the lines like I’m not capable of healing from this? Or are you saying that her technique is not really the best approach to take with me?

    I mean, I am totally for the theory of trying to conquer past wounds with current relationships. I believe that. But how do I approach and heal a past issue like this?

    #77394
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Nicole:
    i made a mistake with the pronoun, writing “use your thinking about you to help…” instead of ‘use your thinking about him to help…” What I meant is that if she is trying to have you stop overthinking him before she focuses on your childhood/ core issues than I think it may be impossible. I meant she can use your overthinking of him as a source of information about how you are thinking about you based on your childhood experience.

    As you can probably read I did not mean that you are not capable of healing. I was doubting her method. I am quite suspicious of psychotherepists- many are not good at what they do. I finally had a good one and he was not perfect but good enough.

    Regarding the question at the end of your last post, without remembering right now (or re-reading) the details of your posts to remind myself- I will say TRANSFERENCE is one issue- the seeing your rejecting parent in a romantic partner and re-playing the same dynamics. So as you talk or examine the dynamics with a guy, you repeat same dynamics as took place when you were a child. I hope this answers your last question, and I am humble about my input and answers. Everything has to go through your brain for accepting or rejecting or … examining further.

    Take care, I will be at the computer tomorrow morning.
    anita

Viewing 15 posts - 1 through 15 (of 15 total)

You must be logged in to reply to this topic. Please log in OR register.