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Relationship grief

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  • October 1, 2016 at 6:42 am #116862
    Cheryl
    Participant

    Hi
    I recently added a post about letting go of anger regarding an ex , I think the grief now has taken over and I feel very low I’d just like some positive , stories perhaps from people who have been through the same thing ?
    My ex left me around 6 months ago I would say he had some sort of mid life crisis . He said I was very critical, I suffer from anxiety time to time which he found difficult and also mentioned , because I worked part time ,it was an issue ( finances were a big thing)
    Since then we have argued , met and had sex, argued and recently after another argument ended up kissing .
    This relation was and is destructive he is very immature and wants to spend his new found freedom biking, travelling yet I get the impression he can’t let me go either
    The whole episode has completely knocked my self esteem , I have given him opportunities to come back but all I get are texts saying he’s missing me but putting things on social sites about buying new bikes now he ” has his money back”
    My friends and my son say that he is feeling guilty and filling me full of shit to keep the peace which I suspect is true .Ive had to sell the house , I’m in the process of buying a new one and I’m convince he’s waiting for me to do this then just walk back when he wants sex ( relationship but just the good bits)
    I have decided to cut all communication but I’m laying here crying feeling I must be the most awful person in the world if someone would leave me for such trivial reasons
    My anxiety is really high and I have really bad bouts of depression
    I do expect to feel these feelings and Buddhism and meditation has helped but I’m struggling at the min to love myself through all this which is I feel important
    Any tips on how to get through this would be helpful

    October 1, 2016 at 7:58 am #116863
    Inky
    Participant

    Hi Cheryl,

    Unless you’re married, I think it’s always a bad idea to intertwine finances or make money an issue. (Disclaimer: I haven’t read your last post, just going on what you’ve written above).

    So yeah, it would stink to have someone publically put their bike over, well, YOU.

    But if money were off the table in the relationship, you don’t leave yourself open to this type of energy.

    I say write him off.

    Hiding him from social media would be a great first step.

    Another step would be to go on trips of your own. Or do something you never did while you were with him that is new and different.

    Instagram away! 🙂

    Blessings,

    Inky

    • This reply was modified 7 years, 6 months ago by Inky.
    October 1, 2016 at 9:07 am #116870
    Cheryl
    Participant

    Hi
    Yes we were married , we were together 5 yrs
    Married 2 , I have blocked him now
    So I can’t be tempted to look
    I do need to write him off , he’s made no attempt to get back with me
    He has always come first , he has lost many
    Partners because of it
    Just really feel lonely and unloved

    October 1, 2016 at 9:13 am #116872
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Cheryl:

    You wrote: “My anxiety is really high and I have really bad bouts of depression” and you asked for any tips on how to get through this.

    First: minimize contact with him, have no physical intimacy with him whatsoever.

    Second: focus all your energy on doing the practical things that need to be done, parenting responsibilities and selling the house. Focus on just the thing that needs to be done next and do it. Congratulate yourself for it. Then look ahead and do just the next thing-to-do and so forth.

    Third: you were anxious when in relationship with the guy, so it is the same anxiety. There is work to be done on that, from gaining insight into its origin to learning and practicing skills to regulate your emotions and endure them while functioning well anyway (psychotherapy with a competent therapist will help with these two things).

    anita

    October 1, 2016 at 9:31 am #116876
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    Cheryl,

    You mentioned before that he was having a mid life crisis. Indeed taking back his resources he previously invested in supporting your marriage and going back to play with toys is childish. Also the fact about your finances. Didn’t he know your financial situation when you got together? Mid life crisis itself is a burst of long suppressed unresolved childish issues, not acknowledging their role as adult, responsibilities as a man to support his woman, and travel back in time.

    You sound disappointed and you are right. The adult man he was supposed to be is acting like a child. Physical intimacy is just his way to conveniently take from you what he is missing out from the separation. But you also miss having someone beside you and his support. So it’s quid pro quo.

    I hope that differentiating between how he is supposed to behave as an adult and man, and how he is actually behaving like a teenager, would help you go through feeling unworthy or “awlful” person. “being too critical” – this statement also sounds like a child complaining they have to do their homework. We women are allowed to be emotional and complain, men are not, men are supposed to be our support.

    October 1, 2016 at 10:14 am #116882
    Cheryl
    Participant

    I think the replies are bang on, yes he did know my financial situation when we married , it became an issue when he couldn’t buy bikes or go on skiing holidays , all these were trips he planned on his own btw
    And yes I agree, he text me the other day saying I am enjoying it being on my own but I do really miss you ?
    He wants cake and eat it
    He’s had therapy regarding childhood issues so this is a big thing for him , he is prob suffering in some way too I would imagine
    The anxiety is something I’ve had all my life , off and on but worse when stressed . I have discovered Claire weekes who has helped a lot , it’s just breaking out the adrenaline cycle which is so hard – this is a separate issue which is taking my priority
    I really really love that advice Anita about doing one thing st a time , I’m on the floor today mentally , but I’ve just been food shopping . I will congratulate myself for doing these things instead of constant,y thinking I’m a mess and useless
    I have sorted house, mortgage, new house , look after a cat, 2 rescue dogs ( one whose Ill) I have a job , teenage son at home and still manage to put makeup on most days lol

    October 1, 2016 at 11:06 am #116884
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    Do I understand correctly? You know perfectly well, and have known for years, that he is a man-child, repulsed by that, yet not doing anything about it; you were “pushed” (?) into this marriage from your first husband, allow him to do whatever pleases him, at your expense, and yet you still feel empathy for him…
    Wow, this for sure was of use for me if not for you…

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