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Ruining good relationship

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  • #55286
    Buruberu
    Participant

    Hi,

    I am 28 year old woman in a long distance relationship. We have been together 6 months, and he hasn’t wavered in that time in saying he wants to be with me and discussing future plans with me. My previous relationship was abusive; the man was violent and lied and cheated throughout. I eventually was able to leave and now have a restraining order against him. My boyfriend knows about this and is purposefully consistent with me to help me feel secure again. He is moving to my city in 3 months and we often talk about how we look forward to being together.

    My problem is that I keep breaking up with my boyfriend. The fear of him cheating or leaving me is sometimes overwhelming, and having feelings for someone again makes me feel very vulnerable. These fears sometimes get the better of me and I ask to end the relationship altogether. This happens around once a week at the moment. It is upsetting for us both, and although he hasn’t said, is putting a strain on the relationship (which in turn is adding to my fear of him leaving).

    I want to cut this behaviour out; it doesn’t seem to be going away on its own so perhaps I need a strategy. If anyone has any advice it would be appreciated.

    Thanks,

    Laura

    • This topic was modified 9 years, 12 months ago by Buruberu.
    • This topic was modified 9 years, 12 months ago by Buruberu.
    #55289
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    Hey Laura,

    I want to tell you a story before i get to the actual reply – there was a girl called Zee who lived on an island far far away. She was mostly alright there until one day, a storm came. It rained, lashed on non-stop for weeks. She prayed, hoped everyday that it would end. It just wasnt going away and kept getting worse. Finally, one day she decided to not step out of her hut. She was too frightened of the storm. Some days later the storm finally did come to an end. But Zee never stepped out of her hut. In her mind, it was too risky to go out and face the storm, though there was no storm there anyway. She decided to do what was best to save herself – stay in her hut as long as possible.

    There is a world of happiness out for you and every man is not the same. Take a chance despite all your fears and uncertainty. We all fall down pretty bad sometimes and then get up, keep walking despite the bruises and pain. We dont know if we’re gonna fall down again but we need to keep moving forward, right?

    Laura, love isnt easy and the last time taught you some bitter lessons, didnt it? But how long will you keep trying to withdraw in the hope that you can avoid the possibility of pain or betrayal? In this process, you are denying yourself the possibility of love as well. There can be no love without trust or respect. Let go, thats all you can really do. He adores you and you’re going to be in the same city in the next 3 months. Do you know how lucky you are this way? Why ruin it when things are going alright? There is no storm going on right now. Dont break this guy’s heart because someone else broke yours.

    Think about it.

    – Moon

    #55290
    Moonlove4
    Participant

    Hi Laura, this is a difficult question because I completely understand you I have in someway done kind of the same thing as you… But it is a viscous cycle as you will already know and if you don’t get over it now then this problem will always arise in any relationship your in. I understand how hard it is but what I think is its nothing to really do with your boyfriend it’s to do with you, i feel you need to work on your self love and realise everything you’ve been through and how strong you were to leave your awful ex boyfriend. I have the same issues with me and my boyfriend but what we really need to do is work on ourselves. Don’t worry about him leaving/cheating because you don’t know if that will ever happen and if it does then you will move on and it will make you stronger but don’t worry about something that hasn’t happened yet. Also if he is moving to be with you in 3 months he must care about you a lot. Don’t loose him over little things you can work on, if you think he is worth it and is offering you everything you need to believe he’s a good boyfriend then trust him. Hope this helps
    Lots of love

    #55471
    IamMe
    Participant

    Laura, I am you. I am like that when Im in a relationship. More than a year ago my boyfriend broke up with me because I always have a habit of breaking up with him when things is getting hard for me to know if he is staying or not. The guy hasn’t done anything wrong though for me to have that kind of negative thoughts about him and I don’t think it is fair for him either to put him to such a roller coaster emotions. He told me the first time I broke up with him is that he felt I don’t value our relationship for me just to walk away like that. He knows that I have a bad experience in the past and he did try to understand me. He even encouraged me to go counseling because he wants us our relationship to work. I told him I am going to try my best and work on me. Ive pretended that I am doing a work but to be honest with you it was hard, even if Im working on it, my mind also working thinking negatively. Then that one day I couldn’t hold on into my emotions anymore and I just said “we should break up”, I felt I wanted to do this because I don’t want to hurt myself even more, but actually I don’t really want to, if that makes sense. The more I thought about it the more I realized that Im putting this wonderful man to a test see how far he can go with me, which is ridiculous! He doesn’t even know he is being tested. So when I said that we should break up, he agreed. 🙁 He said he no longer wants to walk on eggshell being with me. That was more than a year, he is now seeing someone new and I’m still here trying to get over him and blaming myself. I sometimes question myself if I ever find a guy like him who love, respect me more that I thought I deserve. I love him very much.

    I know it is hard, but I don’t want you commit the same mistake I did. Love your guy with all your heart and stop the negative self talk. He is with you and he choose to be with you, you just need to realized that you deserved this love he wanted to share with you TAKE IT and have it nurtured.

    All the best Laura.

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