fbpx
Menu

Scratching head

HomeForumsRelationshipsScratching head

New Reply
Viewing 15 posts - 1 through 15 (of 190 total)
  • Author
    Posts
  • #107210
    XenopusTex
    Participant

    Starting to wonder if there is something to the concept of emotional intelligence. I’m known for my analytical prowess, but socially, my prowess is rather lacking. Never understood people who make decisions based on emotions. When I picked a new vehicle, I went with a particular model because if its reputation for nearly unfailing reliability (you don’t want to be stranded on the side of the road 30 miles from “Nowhere” in -30F or so). I didn’t pick it for “excitement” or “appearances.”

    Strangely, there is one area in which I do tend to go with “feelings,” and that is, of all things, in the area of purchasing firearms. Call me strange, but just by picking up a weapon and cycling the action, I can tell if I have confidence in the weapon or not. Has nothing to do with the cost of the weapon, it’s just a question of whether it “feels right” or not and whether it feels high quality.

    The thing that has me puzzled is trying to figure out relationships. In my nearly 40 years of life, have yet to figure out relationships. Most recently, I tried to start a relationship with a woman I knew for ~1 year previously. Had several things in common. I have sufficient income and assets, stable job, and have been in the community longer than most. I’m what many would probably consider “boring.” We had a couple of meals together, and I asked if, it would work given our professions, she would be interested in dating. You would have thought I had just asked her to have sex right then and there. You can imagine how things went after that. I don’t get it. Have people really equated dating to a request to “hookup”? That was one of the most humiliating and depressing experiences I have had in a long time.

    Recently talking with another woman I know also went somewhat laughably bad. Am I a bit anxious around women? Yes. Everybody is anxious in situations where they don’t know what to expect. But, why allow somebody’s bit of anxiousness to seemingly control one’s view? I’d be less anxious spending a morning in front of the state’s Supreme Court than asking a woman out, but I’ve also been before that court many, many times more than I’ve asked a woman out. Does that make me a terrible dating choice?

    Perhaps I should just give up on the whole relationship thing. Took me years to get to the point where I’d ask a woman out after having miserable experiences in law school. Now, I seem to be out-of-touch with what people want today. Heck, I seem to be unable to “read” what potential partners want. Did I make a mistake in strictly putting my career first for a while? Yes. However, is it really that horrible to be in one’s late thirties and to have not been a long-term relationship?

    I look at what comes across my desk, and ask myself: are people today simply not after a stable long-term relationship? Are they simply looking for the next hookup or whatever?

    #107231
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear xenopustex:

    As to your last question, my answer is No, I don’t think people today are not after a stable long term relationship and only looking for the next hookup. Some do but no. This seems to be what your analytical thinking is suggesting to explain your experiences with women when you suggested dating. I believe your answer is too limited to be true. The real answer is a way bigger picture of what is true.

    There is a whole lot to emotional intelligence- our emotions carry messages, information we need to incorporate into our analytical thinking so to make better choices for ourselves. It is not analytical thinking OR emotions. It is both. To be wise, to live the best life we can live, we need both. Before we were humans, evolutionary speaking, we were animals with no logic. Animals “choose” by instincts and emotions, not by thinking (not having a language, words, would limit thinking). And that had worked for animals who survived generation after generation. Afraid? Run. Angry? Fight. Hungry? Search for food. Etc.

    So as humans, if we ignore our origin, ignore the instincts and emotions/ sensations of the body, then we ignore a resource of information that is not only available for us but it is crucial for us to use it.

    As far as applying emotional intelligence to your relationships, or attempts at relationships, we can look into it. That would mean that I would ask you a bunch of questions. If you are willing we can go that route. You can also think yourself, at this point, think back to the woman who acted offended when you suggested dating and try to understand the situation from angles you didn’t use before.

    anita

    #107268
    XenopusTex
    Participant

    Hmm, guess could try. I am very much a creature of analytical thought not emotional thought. That is probably why I went into the hard sciences initially. All I know is that I must be doing something wrong.

    #107288
    Seaisland
    Participant

    You brought up how comfortable you were with guns. The biggest mass shooting in the USA was over the weekend. I automatically shuddered and was uncomfortable. I read your post hours ago–but didn’t want to respond.
    Now I am because maybe you sincerely need to know– for me–that was a downer–. These are scary times we live in.

    #107291
    XenopusTex
    Participant

    Here is the thing: that AR-15 did not get to choose its owner. I own seven “assault rifles,” a misnomer because AR-15’s, AK-47’s, SKS’s, AR-10’s, and M1A’s all lack select-fire switches. As of today, not a single one of them has gotten up and killed anybody or anything. Neither have any of my handguns. The same goes for my shotguns and bolt-actions. A firearm is a tool: nothing more and nothing less.

    I was simply referencing the matter as a difference in drvision making.

    #107294
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear xenopustex:

    Regarding your comment following my post to you: emotions are hard science. Everything is physical, there is nothing about us that is “mental” as in not physical. Just saying, incorporate understanding emotions in you and in others and you will benefit greatly in every area of life.

    anita

    #107496
    XenopusTex
    Participant

    Scenario: intelligent woman with undergrad degree for a prestigious university, witty and a bit quirky with a very dry almost English/European sense of humor.

    I have thought about the different angles thing. Had forgotten that I live in an area where men outnumber women by a lot, and they really tend to be interested in getting in people’s pants.

    The problem is, I don’t think of “dating” as seeing how fast one can hookup. While I am not quite 40, I grew up in a very conservative area, and was mostly raised by my grandparents who were of a very conservative era. Went to undergrad/grad school at a very conservative (for a university) institution in the South. My idea of “dating” involves more courtship than what seems to be today.

    However, I avoided dating simply because I had observed dynamics in the family that I didn’t want to repeat. Decades of that mindset let me to shun social events, etc. I put work first, and while I have become far more financially successful than anyone in my immediate family, I became socially inept.

    Plus, I tend to be a blunt instrument. Finesse tends to not be a strongpoint. The old line when all you have is a hammer, everything looks like a nail kind of applies. If I like something, I say so and if I don’t, I say so. Perhaps I was a bit hasty in expressing that I liked her, which she probably interpreted as me just being after sex. The ironic thing is, I am blunt enough that if I were truly after sex, I would ask. Heck, I have been celibate for almost 40 years, a period of courtship is nothing.

    I also thought too that there could be an issues with whether or not she could date me due to the intersections with our careers. Though it would have been nice to know if that was he concern.

    I know that she had a recent ex. They had been in a live-in relationship. He and I have some similar interests, and I am wondering if that triggered bad memories. I don’t know what happened, but guessing it was ugly.

    After me asking her to date, she has really withdrawn from her co-workers and myself in general. I have seen her cross the street to avoid contact with people, and she seems to rush right back home to the tiny place she is trying to refurbish. It is tiny home from the 1950’s and I had warned her about putting more into it than she would ever get out. Now thinking that may have been a land mine.

    Earlier this week, she approached me about some gardening stuff and wanted to meet later and Thursday she decided to come to my office with a non-urgent question and talk. Then, when I emailed her about how her house project was going I got no replies. When I was talking with a group of her coworkers after hours, she went to the other side of the street. I don’t get that at all.

    Assuming that any ethical issues could be resolved, thoughts on whether this will ever develop into anything? I deeply regret not starting with lesser “interests” first to work on social skills instead of going for the gold with “tin” skills. Where I live, finding a combination of education, intelligence, etc. among single women is rare. Feels like I squandered a great opportunity. There is the somewhat cynical school of thought on people changing beliefs only when the pain of not changing exceeds the pain of changing. I had gotten used to the low-level pain of being perpetually single due to beliefs I had about relationships. Work could cover it up, and I put in nasty hours.

    I developed a reputation for being a tough, hard-nosed prosecutor who specialized in non-victim crimes (except homicides). I made it plain that I was not particularly empathetic, etc. While it was nice to go into court and get an oh expletive reaction from defendants and their sob-stories, I did not realize just how scary the absence of empathy can be to people. Eventually, I failed to heed the warning about fighting monsters, and got to the point where I had convinced myself that I really did lack empathy. My reputation I am sure spread. I had never thought about any negative consequences of such a reputation.

    However, this situation was a pain I had never felt before, I couldn’t cover it with work like I did with the death of my father. It was a combination of grief and a realization that as I was nearing mid-life, I couldn’t even keep a relationship going past two lunch dates. Even now about one month out I still sometimes cry thinking about it.

    So, I started looking into such things as emotional intelligence. I learned that the perception of a lack of empathy is a big red flag in relationships. I took a look, and thought about my reactions to certain things and realized that maybe I do have empathy at some level. Sadly, a bit late.

    At one point, there was something between us; I now recognize some of the cues that I had missed and we used to talk about things.

    Can’t go back have a do-over, but is this salvagable or is it well and truly dead?

    #107497
    Evan
    Participant

    Hey Xenopustex,

    Everything is resolvable. However, to what end? If we apply your intellect to this, then you will surely see that there is a time to act, a time to listen, a time to speak, and a time to be.

    Anita, an insightful soul, pointed out the gem previously. I will try to say it in another way that is more aligned with the mind side as I also learnt something from what she wrote. Your mind/intellect/knowledge/general brain stuff, will only get you so far. Also to note, you emotions/feelings/urges/impulses that are not enacted on will only get you so far.

    There is a harmony between your mind and your emotions. Feelings from your core are different again, but lets leave this alone for now…. as the bridge between your mind and emotions are enough to flag what you need to attend to.

    If you desire someone who is showing signs of avoidance, and after some mind reference, you can see she has also reached out a few times, surely must indicate to you that she is very sensitive to any interaction. If you are open to being in her life, then you need to be open to her level….. not yours! She needs an amazing amount of time, patience, understanding, acceptance, stability, assurance and empathy before you even get close. Ring her, and offer to help with the garden, and offer several times over the next month. Offer her the option to choose, offer the option to take her time, offer her the same things you need internally for someone to truly enter your heart!

    See… you can only understand her, and notice these little things, because they reside in you already, and you are just as hurt, scared, fearful and move towards these interactions with trepidation, and (if I may) bravado, to gain the upper hand emotionally. You require the same level of tact internally as she needs from you to have a genuine interaction with you.

    Intelligent emotions….. be honest within yourself, and learn from this experience how to treat someone you care about externally, but how to treat yourself moving forward.

    What Anita is saying (if I may interpret) is stop over thinking it, and listen to your heart in the best way you know how. Learn from your mistakes with this lady, as she is a reflection of your inner journey. She has already taught you something you needed, and you have learnt. Open that door, allow some vulnerability into your life, take the risk, and allow things to be as they will.

    You may enjoy yourself far more than you realise 🙂

    Best

    Evan

    #107511
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear xenopustex:

    A few thoughts regarding your latest post:

    You wrote: ” I don’t think of ‘dating’ as seeing how fast one can hookup..” I don’t think you should change your conservative views of dating and life. You also wrote: “If I like something, I say so and if I don’t, I say so.” I don’t think you should change this kind of bluntness, that is being honest, direct, clear.

    You wrote: “I tend to be a blunt instrument…when all you have is a hammer, everything looks like a nail.” This tells me that you are angry and have been angry for a long time, probably since the time you were a child observing those family dynamics you mentioned.

    There is a person holding the hammer. Not all of you is a hammer. If you attend therapy, you will remove your focus from the hammer, back to the hand holding it, the arm, the heart and mind. You will find your empathy, your softness. You will find the young boy that you were, reaching out to be loved.

    I believe it is time for you to attend psychotherapy with a competent therapist, one that you will interview at length to see if he/she shares your values. You have to trust him first before work can be done.

    You wrote: “There is the somewhat cynical school of thought on people changing beliefs only when the pain of not changing exceeds the pain of changing.” I agree with the statement. Is the pain of not changing, for you, exceeds the pain of changing?

    If and when you attend good psychotherapy (and again, for you, it will have to be a psychotherapist willing to go through your tough interviewing process), then there will be pain on your part. You wrote: “I developed a reputation for being a tough, hard-nosed prosecutor..” Thing is, is this tough prosecutor willing to cry like a little boy in front of a trustworthy therapist? Is this tough prosecutor holding a hammer, willing to let go of that hammer and feel the hurt?

    You like bluntness, well here is mine: your lack of dating, of a love life, is not about those other things, it is about the little boy in you, hurt and scared.

    Please do post anytime.

    anita

    (* And Thank You Evan).

    #107524
    XenopusTex
    Participant

    I kind of feel like a complete JA for not thinking about the various angle.

    Not 100% sure where fear would come from on the other side; maybe the unknown, maybe my broadcast lack of empathy. Isn’t really even a full unknown. Maybe from me previously giving some butt chewings to their office.

    I will have to give her time and space. Learning by a painful experience is annoying though. Just hope that she hasn’t had to experience the same level of pain. I also hope that wherever her life’s journey takes her, she finds whatever happiness she is seeking.

    #107528
    XenopusTex
    Participant

    To Anita, we don’t really have psychotherapists out in my neck of the woods. I know, one of my jobs as a prosecutor is to do mental health paperwork, and there is basically within an appx. 120 mile radius. We are kind of primitive out here.

    You are probably right. I tend to avoid situations because I don’t really trust myself to do better than how my family worked. I had moved about 2,600 miles away from home, then helped my mother out with a supposedly temporary place to live. Now, I am wondering if I should just move to a new house.

    This town is pretty small. Not sure how well it would go even if I was successful in opening up. reputations tend to stick in smaller towns.

    #107531
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear xenopustex:

    Maybe it is better for you to not live with your mother. And maybe it will be worthwhile for you one day to move to a different town or city.

    For now, why change your reputation as a tough prosecutor- it works for you professionally, doesn’t it? As far as the professional reputation affecting the social reputation among the women, particularly this woman, all you have to do is lead this woman to conclude something like: he is a tough prosecutor; who would have known he has a soft side? I had no idea and I feel so special, that of all the people who know him as a hammer, I am the special one, knowing this other side to him.

    You can make an exception, at this point, an experiment of sorts, to be soft only with her one on one. See how that goes.

    anita

    #107586
    XenopusTex
    Participant

    You are right. I was promised that she would be moved out in less than a year. That was November of 2014. I have come to realize that people basically lie about things, most things: I don’t see many options other than for me to move and take on another mortgage.

    Crap like this is one of th reasons why I just don’t thing I will ever find a significant other. Why would I want to sign up for more of this crap from someone on a longer term basis?

    #107587
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear xenopustex:

    Clearly you are “dressing” your unfortunate experience with your mother to potential experiences with other women/ people in general.

    I think you need to be that hammer with your mother! I wouldn’t if I was you, take on another mortgage so to leave your present home to her. Make other arrangement instead, have her out of your home and living elsewhere, a shared home with other seniors, perhaps.

    She lied to you, manipulated you, so don’t accommodate her. Be tough with your own mother.

    Isn’t it amazing how a tough prosecutor, a tough man can roll over for one manipulative older woman simply because when you were a child she was powerful (and because of her position, she is still powerful over you)- but it doesn’t have to be this way.

    anita

    #107609
    XenopusTex
    Participant

    Gah, don’t know why as a nearly 40 year old person, have been getting hit with anxiety attacks and crushing depression between this and other things. It’s as if everything is imploding and collapsing. Embarrassing to feel like crying while at the same time feeling constantly on edge.

Viewing 15 posts - 1 through 15 (of 190 total)

You must be logged in to reply to this topic. Please log in OR register.